DH expects me to raise his teens

Forums:

Hi All,

I'm new here, and reading some of the entries makes me so glad I found this site; at least I know I'm not alone!

I am married to a man who has three boys, ages 14, 16, almost 21. The two younger ones live with us 100% of the time (this tells you a little about the BM...) Mine is a story very typical of others on this site: SK are disrespectful, lazy, failing school, etc., and DH does nothing about it. I (admittedly) willingly stepped in to the mothering role five years ago and took it all on. I did laundry, cooking, cleaning, homework, parent-teacher conferences, dr. appointments, you name it. And I did it all by myself. DH was totally happy to let me take over. And I let him.

Fast forward a few years and I've wizened up a bit. No more doing laundry, cleaning up after the boys, etc., and I've totally stopped doing schoolwork with them because DH won't help me when they're being disrespectful and stubborn. He throws it in my face that I used to be a teacher and I should know how to deal with kids, and he won't listen when I tell him that it's impossible to work with them if he lets them be disrespectful and obnoxious. Now, since I told them all I won't help them with school stuff unless they come to me for help, they're failing all their classes. DH gets angry but doesn't do ANYTHING about it!!!! What would be a good response when he brings up the "you're the teacher, you should know how to deal with them" excuse again?

I know I should just let him deal with it, but what I really worry about is them dropping out of school and then being deadbeats for the next 20 or forever years. DH will never kick them out even if they are doing nothing but collecting dust. (We went through this with the 21-year-old and the only reason he's not still sitting on our couch is bc his BM bribed him into living with her. Fine by me.) The problem with that is the two younger SS have a different mom who is not in the picture.

Am I doomed to finally making a choice to leave once they've completely flunked out of school?

Any suggestions on how to keep my sanity while simultaneously watching this family implode???

"You're the teacher, you

"You're the teacher, you should know how to deal with them" Seriously?? I'd have kicked his ass. How about a simple "You are the PARENT, why the hell aren't YOU dealing with them?"

Christ, when you're a teacher in a school, you get to discipline the kids, when they get mouthy and disrespectful you have the option of sending them to the principal. Besides, what does he expect if he's going to undermine you?

As for your sanity, read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, consider disengaging and create an exit strategy if you really believe your life is heading toward support to lumps on a log while stupid daddykins does Nothing about it. If your H's head is so far up his butt as all that, it's totally possible that the choice will land of can you live with the crap he's demanding from you or do you leave and find a healthier, happier place for yourself.

Thanks for the recommendation

Thanks for the recommendation of Stepmonster. I've heard of it before and I think it would be good for me to read it. I'm beginning to think I will really need an exit strategy, as I've been working on disengaging and the family is basically falling apart. I know that if I leave it will be hard because DH cannot live in the house without another income (I know, that's his problem, not mine) but he will make my life a living hell once I start discussing that. I need to find some strength first before heading into that battle.

I totally agree with Aeron.

I totally agree with Aeron. I am currently in the same situation and trying to find a way out.

I just read your reply I left

I just read your reply I left my husband and his kids 2
Weeks ago and I have not looked back now he is the one crying as he does not now what to do. For once I'm taking care of me and my happiness and my future and one day at a time. You can do this I wish you well.

I just read your reply I left

I love it: "if the sperm

I love it: "if the sperm donors don't help the degree holders, the degree holders always back out"

Yes, that's pretty much what I did as a teacher. At least I only had the kid for a year. Sometimes I think it would help if we just had a little time away from them, but that is impossible right now. Although I suppose I can choose not to be around them by leaving the house more often....

SO true, my Mom's a teacher

SO true, my Mom's a teacher and I can't count the times that she's had to step in and teach the parents because they're totally dropping the ball. I agree, tell him that his kids are acting like the naughty kids at your school who end up working at McDonald's when they're in their 40's because they dropped out (although I think in this economy McDonald's has higher standards even) or finding some low-self-esteem woman to take care of them. Yikes, good luck!

You may have been a teacher

You may have been a teacher but he's the parent. My response would be, "So, you're their parent. Parent." And I'd walk away.

Thank you for all the advice.

Thank you for all the advice. I talked with DH about how I was feeling and he agreed that he needs to be more involved with his kids and their education. Do I think he will become more involved? Unfortunately, NO. I've learned that his words never match his actions when it comes to his kids, so I'm not expecting him to do anything. I have to decide whether I'm okay with still living like this (with deadbeat kids) or if it's time to move on.... I really don't want to have to make that decision but I don't see any other options at this point.

You are here

DH expects me to raise his teens