Don't know what to do anymore
So I've been lurking here for awhile. Actually had another account but I felt the nickname would of, with out a doubt, gave me away if someone I knew were to see it, and since I've decided to make a commitment to this site long term I figured I'd better change it.
First off I'd like to apologize for this being so long.
So anyway here's my story.
I've been with SO for a couple years now. He is the most amazing person I've ever known. I've never, in my life, felt this way about anyone or else this wouldn't be so hard, right?
He has 3 daughters [SD9, SD4, SD3] by the most horrible woman in the world. She is a child in a 32 year old's body. She has no job, lives off welfare, and is the town whore. [I'm really not saying this because I hate her, which I do, I'm saying this because it's actually true.] None of these children were planned. They started dating when she was 21 and he was 16 and she told him she couldn't have kids but still magically got pregnant when he had intentions to leave her. They broke up for 5 years but then a drunken one night stand led to SD4 and just plain stupidity led to SD3 [conceived two months after SD4 was born]. So they tried for two more years to make their relationSHIT work. Didn't happen obviously. I don't even want to imagine being in any way connected to this woman for the rest of my life. She has done nothing but spread lies about me to everyone including her children. She doesn't even refer to me by name but instead calls me Snatch.
SO had my babysit the skids every weekend while he worked up until recently when I refused to do it anymore. SD9 is really a horrible child when SO isn't around. She's disrespectful, mean, and snotty. She seems to love making the 3 and 4 year olds cry as she hits them, scratches them, and takes their things. I can't say anything to her regarding her doing something wrong without her screaming and yelling for an hour afterwards. What made me stop watching them was her flipping out over BOXES. Yes boxes. She was playing with her DS while the two little ones played with some boxes we had laying around [they'd had them for a good hour by now]. Well, she decides she's done playing her video game so she'll get up and dictate everything they're doing and actually starts screaming at them to stop touching these boxes. I told her they had them first so she throws the boxes down and starts her tantrum. Well, after a half hour of listening to her screeching I call SO who asks to talk to SD9. Ok whatever. I say your dad wants to talk to you and toss the phone to her from like 3 feet away. TOSS. Underhanded and everything. She seriously starts yelling that I threw the phone at her stomach. Kid if I was going to hit you with something, it sure would not be a phone. Two years of dealing with this crap and I've never laid a hand on her. Ok, so the next morning she apologizes for the way she acted, draws me a picture, all is fine. She proceeds to go home and tell her nasty mother that I, not only, threw a phone at her, but punched her in the stomach as well. Yay! So now BM tells everyone I put my hands on a 9 year old! She even admits she pretty much knows SD9 is lying but she still doesn't want to come over cause Snatch is mean to her. I don't understand how she could say that. I know I'm beyond nice to this girl.
I've done so much to try and make these kids happy and they might as well of spit in my face. SO always sticks of for SD9 saying "well she's ONLY 9." I cannot STAND that excuse! Yeah in May she'll only be 10, then 11, then 32. If you kid is being a brat at least own up to it. He even tried to make me feel guilty about not watching them anymore! Oh did I mention I was 8 months pregnant at the time?
He lets the little ones walk all over him while they are here too. Now those kids are well behaved when he is not around so I KNOW they have manners! They SCREAM at him, and I mean scream, when they don't get what they want. When he tells them not to do something they pretty much laugh in his face. SD3 will not do anything for herself, and what I mean by that is if she's looking for something she will yell at SO to find it. A few times one of her sisters will hand her what she is looking for and she will throw it and say "NO I WANT DAD TO FIND IT!" Both SD4 and SD3 will sit two inches away from SOs face in the morning and just yell until he wakes up. They don't care what he has to say about anything. They won't sleep unless he lays with them and even then it takes hours for them to even try to go to sleep. They purposely dump water on the floor when they bathe. The list goes on.
I've disengaged. I let him deal with it all, but it is so hard to keep my mouth shut when he's letting these kids treat him like this. We can't even have a conversation without SD4 literally climbing on his head.
But I've handled all of this for quite awhile now. The breaking point is that we've had a baby and now he TELLS me he's getting a vasectomy. Ok so you have too many kids so now I can't have anymore? To expect someone to be with you the rest of your life but pretty much tell her one kid is enough for her. I don't get how this is, in anyway, fair to me.
SO tells me how he'll always love me because I'm the only woman that's treated him right. He treats me amazing too, but I think I'm entitled to a family just as much as he is. I've put up with his kids' crap and been a damn trooper about it! I just don't know what to do anymore. This is starting to be way to much if there isn't going to be even a little bit of a happy ending. HELP!!! What do I do?
Let him get the vasectomy
Let him get the vasectomy because he should never reproduce again. You have spent at least two years trying to change him and his situation. He may treat you well, but his actions mean that he puts you AND himself BELOW the door mat where his children are concerned. Sounds like he is a disengaged father who is overwhelmed and afraid to act. He may feel like if he ever, ever even started to straighten them up, they would also tell lies about him. Lies that could put him in jail.
It really sounds like he may be inching close to the point of no return with these girls. I would seriously consider what the condition of your life will be for the next twenty years if you were to stick around. The squeaky wheel gets the grease and these girls are sqeaking loud.
I feel so unbelievably
I feel so unbelievably trapped by how much I love him, but I just can't take it anymore if he really isn't going to get a damn if I want more kids or not. Manymoments- thank you and I will try that. I think I just haven't said anything to him because I'm afraid of the answer. I guess I'm trying to hold on to what little obliviousness I have.
Duct_tape-I totally agree with you. And trust me, I've ran the next 20 years through my head many, many times and the out come is never sanity.
Girl....I am with you. If
Girl....I am with you. If you read my post I am in a similar situation with my skids. It is just horrible. And like you I love my husband so much. When his kids aren't around...we have an amazing relationship. Hopefully you and I can get some good advice!
I understand he has 4 kids
I understand he has 4 kids and he thinks that's enough. But he is being selfish here, he is not thinking of you. As you say you have a right to have a family too, not just the bone he tossed you - 1 child.
Look you remind me of myself, I loved my husband blindly, I would have done anything for him, I put him his needs and his wants ahead of my own, he was the love of my life, my soul mate. In return he let his kids treat me like dog poo. Not going to get into it, but all our kids are grown up and I put up with 8 years of absolute abuse from his kids, mainly his adult daughter who is 30. Before I finally banned her from our home. Now that was not without some fallout let me tell you. One thing I did discover, the blind unconditional love I had for him, was the same love that allowed me to let him allow his children to treat me so badly. This man, the man I loved and adored allowed his kids to hurt and abuse me, while he sat back and did or said nothing, by his silence he was condoning therefore approving of their behaviour.
I have lost the spark now as one person put it, but in it's place I have self esteem and a sense of pride, I no longer allow him to treat me as some sort of moron, I have enough self respect to know how I should be treated in a marriage and now because some of the love I had for him has died, I put that dead love for him to good use, I used it to love myself a bit more.
You say, SO tells me how he'll always love me because I'm the only woman that's treated him right. He treats me amazing too, but I think I'm entitled to a family just as much as he is. I've put up with his kids' crap and been a damn trooper about it! I just don't know what to do anymore. This is starting to be way to much if there isn't going to be even a little bit of a happy ending. HELP!!! What do I do?
Just read the first line of the above paragraph you wrote.
"He loves you because you are the only woman who has treated him right" REALLY, so it's all about him is it. You see, that tells you what his thinking is like, as with my DH it is all about them, their wants, their needs, he treats you amazing for one reason and one reason only, you don't cross him, you do whatever he wants, you don't rock the boat, and the first time you do, look out. I rocked this little love boat over his daughter's abuse and it has changed the whole dynamic of the marriage, not all for the worse though I must admit, I now have some pride and self respect, you are rocking your little boat because you feel entitled to have another child, he won't like it. However, you have needs to and having another child is something you obviously feel you want and need, and he is being selfish by denying you that because he already has 4. He is being selfish by not supporting you with his kids, and he is I think probably selfish in many other ways and if you give it some thought, you will more than likely see I am right.
Think this over, decide what it is that is right for YOU and then tell your DH - if he cannot compromise then you need to think about this whole one sided love affair. Because that is what it is right now, you do all the loving, all the sacrificing, you may not think so, but if you do some soul searching, I think you will find that you are the one in the relatinship that has given and has loved the most. Time for some balance now I think. You need to love yourself too. You need to have your needs met. I suspect it will all work out if you just tell him, but he may not just roll over and play dead on this, you will probablly have to stand up for yourself, this I suspect will be a good thing. I wish you all the very best. Sometimes as women I think we just accept that we have to make ALL the sacrifices and we don't really sit back and take a long hard look at just how much we are giving in a relationship. Sure he may treat you amazingly when you never question him and he gets all he wants, the true test of any relationship is when you want something he doesn't, like this baby in your case, and me not wanting to put up with being abused by my DH's daughter. It's not a fun time, but it is a necessary one. These things always lead to change, and I think most often for the better, maybe they don't turn out the way you want them to, but when you look back you realise what happened was for the best.