I don't HAVE to do anthing!!!
Hi all,
I know that this is going to sound so obvious, but I have finally come to the realization that I don't HAVE to do anything that I don't want to for the skids because they are my family - they really aren't. When I first got married last February I drove myself crazy trying to be super stepmom. Driving everywhere to help DH and the skids, buying trips, gifts, all their favorite foods, clothes, decorating their rooms, etc. Over the holidays, we had them for a week and I spent my entire vacation cooking and cleaning up after them while DH worked and they literally did not move from the couch and the computer to do ANYTHING.
Somewhere along the way I have finally realized that just because we got along and they like being around me, we are never going to be one big happy family. BM and I had it out and after that things changed with the skids and me. BM has PASed the crap out of them so they look at DH for what he can give them and take BMs side in everything. I realize that no matter what a lazy skank BM is(and she REALLY is - this is no exaggeration) they are never going to see her through anything buy rosy glasses. I didn't intend to buy their affection - truly the things I did were on the level with what I do for DH and DD3, but now I realize, I don't even have to do that anymore. DH and DD3 are my family - I treat my family really well and will do anything for them, but I expect the same from them. I don't want to be constantly working at a relationship only to be backstabbed everytime I turn around. Things might have been different if they had been younger (they are 17 and 12) or didn't have such a jealous, lazy BM, but frankly, with the way they treat their dad, I think he is a bit relieved to see them on the weekend and get a new chance at a family with me and DD3. There might still be a chance with the 12 year old - we'll see.
So I came to the decision that I will do whatever I feel like doing at the time, but I will not worry about pleasing them or doing anything extra. No more running to the grocery store before they come over to buy their favorite foods, no cooking and worrying about their dinner, no providing insurance since it could cause issues for me, no buying trips. I will clean the house for one hour a day, concentrating on my bedroom and DD3's bedroom first when they are here and the common areas when they aren't. I won't touch their rooms. I will pick them up for visitation if it helps DH, but I will not worry about entertaining them at all. If I feel like hanging out with them, great, if not, oh well. They are going to be like frequent guests and I'll save my time, energy, and money for me, DH, and DD3.
oh yeah - no more worrying
oh yeah - no more worrying about doing something nice on their birthdays (BM usually just puts a grocery store cake down on a park picnic table). I was planning to take SD17 and two friends with me and DD3 to Cancun for her graduation - not going to happen unless DH steps up and makes arrangements. If SD17 invites me to her graduation, I'll bring a gift, if not, I won't. Again, not putting myself out there so much or worrying that I am not being fair to them if I do things for DD3. They are not my kids and they really don't treat me and DH as family.
I was thinking about doing
I was thinking about doing the same thing. I have not cleaned the entire house for quite sometimes because the ss14 won't do his part & his dad won't make him. I only clean my bathroom & bedroom. I am thinking of not doing any cooking for them either. I am considering getting a bunch of laundry hampers so my husband can do his own laundry. I refuse to do ss laundry, & now since husband sides with him on everything, I am thinking that I don't need to do anything else for him either.
I don't blame you!! In fact,
I don't blame you!! In fact, I don't think I would have been as wonderful as you in the beginning either. I'm a bitch that way. DH knows to not expect much from me for he is responsible for his child..period. What I worry about for you is that you have already set an example for yourself and suddenly pulling away will cause some alarms to go off. Does your husband know how you feel? Do you feel comfortable talking to him? It's exhausting to be a step mom and even more so to kids that don't appreciate you (I know how it feels) so it's easy to want to retreat and take a step back. Real life is not like The Brady Bunch. You have to be real and (unfortunately) fair. Do you think the kids will sense your disconnect and feel hurt? Does your husband really have your back? I would think it's ok to tell your husband that you are feeling run down and not appreciated and have a talk with him. It's a hard conversation, I know. No parents wants to hear the reality of situations, so you may have to put things delicately.
DH does everything for SD. I am just there as a positive role model which is really what she needs since she is well taken care of already. If she were to come to me for anything, I would be there for her. DH knows it's ultimately his responsibility to clean her room, fix what she breaks (even though he doesn't), feed her, put her to bed, enforce rules (even though he's blind to her violations), arrange for a babysitter, entertain her (tho she prefers me over him in that sense). It takes the pressure off me. After all, I didn't have the fun making the kid. ;P I will step in if she disrespects me, my family or my home. There are boundaries you must have. I'm also there to enforce basic values like saying "thank you" and doing the right thing (her father is oblivious). Think deeply about what role you want play in your step children's lives? Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to be a positive role model? Most people would want to do it all, but you have only so much energy. I tend to be careful with the starvation economy mode of thinking...there is always plenty of love for everyone, but that's not the case with money, time, energy and resources (especially these days).
I love that Stuck! There may
I love that Stuck! There may be times that I feel like doing something fun with them or for them. I bought SD17 a Kindle and pay for any books she wants to get on it. I buy video games for SS12 (not my problem to divert him to something more productive). I will probably keep doing that. I'll buy things they like to eat if its convenient for me and I'd eat it too. That sort of thing.
I already feel a sense of relief - I'll have time to work in my craft room, work out, spend time with DD3 when they are over here, because it no longer is my responsibility to cook great stuff, entertain them, etc. They are teens and don't have alot of expectations because their BM is so lazy. They always laugh that they didn't even know what gouda cheese was until I came along and none of them had been on a real trip or on a plane until I took them. I don't really think anyone will notice for a while and if anything ever gets said, I'll just explain nicely that I have seen and heard the things they say about me to BM and around others when I am not there and they are kissing up to her. Thats not family - family has your back or stays nuetral. Therefore, THEY are not my family either. They are guests who will soon be on their own and then DH, DD3 and I can keep bonding.
With the kids being teens,
With the kids being teens, they are able to do a ton for themselves too. A little self-reliance won't hurt them. They don't rely on you so much for care anymore. They might just need someone to look up to at this point and their father can take care of the rest. Taking care of yourself and your happiness allows you to be a better mom, step mom and wife.
The kids may not be related to you, but be careful about the whole family thing. They are not your family, but they are. You married into a situation that involves them. You don't have to take care of them like you do your own, but I'm afraid you might isolate them if they don't feel like they are family to you. That's just something I would look out for. However, I totally get how you feel! Especially when they run their mouths. You can easily say, "not my genetic material at play here" at see it for what it is and not a reflection on you. Let go of what you can't control. When SD acts like an ill mannered brat, I just sit back and let her make an ass of herself...not my kid...this is not the result of my parenting or genes. If DH doesn't step in or it gets out of control or she is being disrespectful, I will put my foot down. My family understands. "That's ok, if it was your child, I would expect different." Maybe letting go will do you some good because you don't have to put that much effort into it. You have a little one that needs more of you right now anyway. The teenagers are going to want their personal space and independence.
Hooray! It took me awhile to
Hooray!
It took me awhile to come to the same understanding also. It was like a light going off.
DING! Why am I cooking dinner for 1 person (SO) that will appreciate it and 2 people (skids) that will probably turn their noses up and eat a PB sandwich instead?
DING! Why am I picking up filthy socks from the couch? There are three other capable people, ONE of whom is responsible for the socks in the first place!
DING! Why am I concerned about "disturbing" lazy teenagers sprawled all over the couch from their terrible shows when *I* want to watch television in my own house??
Good for you sonya. I hope it makes your life more pleasant as it did for me!
GOOD FOR YOU! Thank goodness
GOOD FOR YOU! Thank goodness you are finally doing this as it's a rapid and severe downward spiral when all you do is try to take care of people who don't even appreciate you.
Hmmmm...yes unwilling - I
Hmmmm...yes unwilling - I agree.
I just came across a post by BM on FB (I hate that site too) when looking at something SIL wanted to show me. BM posted "it is never your responsibility to please unpleasant people" last night after we sent our email to her letting her know that we need proof that she filed our medical agreement. SD17 was with her mom all last night and liked her post. SD17 can darn well work out her own insurance when she goes to college then or let her irresponsible mother figure something out. I am tired of being going out of my way for people who don't appreciate it - I just got done paying for her passport because BM was too busy laying around for an ENTIRE month that she had off in December to find some side work and get it for her.