This doesn't really pertain to the SDs (I don't think but it pertains to bm. She hates that I exist.

Your SDs are hormonal teenage girls. Hormonal teenaged girls are crazy. Hopefully, they'll grow out of this.

Does sd 16 have a bf? Maybe dh should ask her how she'd like it if he treated her bf the way she treats you.

^^^All of the above!

I honestly believe that it isn't anything about ME or what I do or what I have that upsets my stepkids.

If I weren't with DH & I knew them through some other part of life, I think they'd really like who I am.

I don't even think THEY'RE pissed off about me being with him, but they feel a loyalty to BM & because SHE's pissed about me being with him, they carry those ill feelings on her behalf.

Since the BM of my angelic SD (insert eye roll here) adheres to the style of parenting that has given SD "choices" since she was eight years old, we now have A 16 year old who needs to be prompted to have a shower, brush her teeth, eat ANYTHING that doesn't come out of a box, takes money without asking, uses words like 'tits, ' and 'gangbang,' in front of her (albeit cool) grandma, calls her dad 'annoying' to his face, and is generally so self-centered to the point of sociopathic narcissist. So, to answer your question. . . .What really pisses SD off? EVERY SINGLE TIME HER FATHER, HER GRANDPARENTS, OR MYSELF ACTUALLY TRY TO PARENT HER PROPERLY. Frankly, I'm at the point of no return here, as she just gets to go home to her awesome mom(ugh), and anything we've tried to re-teach her gets flushed down the toilet her life is becoming. If only we could've gotten to keep her when she was younger, I really think she could have been different. Sigh. DOUBLE SIGH!!!!!

I've found my happy medium.
-I can only control myself and my responses
-I've stopped DEFENDING my position. Just solve the problem,sometimes that means do nothing bc it's not really MY probelm.
-When his kids try to create conflict... I shut it down! "Thats your mom's house, your moms feelings, or your moms business and it's disrespectful to involve me." I no longer take the bait, go to my husband, he goes to her, and all 3 of us are argueing.
-His children KNOW that i'm not their mother or step-mom, I'm their fathers wife. To me it's like being sorta pregenate, either you are or your not there isn't an in between.
- My son and daughters are aware of right, wrong, good, bad, ugly, respect, and disrespect. I can't MAKE his kids do anything but they will model my childrens behavior. My daughter has looked at them and said, "U know that's disrespectful? right!" Turns out they really didn't know and they had a conversation about it and I pretended not to listen. They have asked, "Why did you do that?" I hear one of my kids expalin it. It's amazing!
-They have THEIR own time with THEIR father without me and my children. We have him everyday, they need their own time. That way it's not a struggle.
-when BM sends me hateful txt messages, I don't repsond like wise. This isn't an approiate conversation for us. If you have a problem with my husband and/or your children please speak to them. Have a great day.
Will any of this work for anyone else? IDK but it's working for me. I NOW enjoy my step-aside approach and enjoy when they are coming around. Can lay eyes on BM without my blood boiling. My inner peace has also improved my marriage. I was sick of fighting over BM or with BM!

I always end up with my wedding ring on the window sill infront of the sink in the kitchen. And I always have a second thought with SD living there, Im putting my ring away now ladies...maybe my gut is correct

LOL...I just bought a new car and SD has been very negative about it. Finds fault with it everytime she rides in it...asked DH "did you really want this car Daddy" :?
I think it is simple because she wasn't included in the buying process or the decision to buy a new car. Really bothered her though...lol She can be included in the buying process when she buys her own damn car with her own damn money.

My OSD once made a face that i did not know how to interpret when she asked me ( about two years after her dad and i started going out), Pilgrim Soul, how old are you? I said, 43. He dad was 55 at the time. She was 21. She looked positively discombobulated. I found it so funny: was i too young? too old? Was there a better age to be? I used to be younger, you know Our age difference with her dad is nothing outrageous, 12 years.

I just think their mind set is, I am dead set NOT TO LIKE anything, so i will find fault with every little thing. Then again, the BM is behind the scenes tearing every little bit of info ( i am sure they relate every detail to her) to shreds. So the kids are really under a lot of pressure NOT TO LIKE because it feels like betrayal of the BM ( esp. to daughters).

So if we can laugh about it, good for us!

Besides being alive (BM died a few years ago), I think the fact that I'm a happy go lucky person who is grateful for all that I have chaps SD41's hide.

Having a good relationship with DH and my bios seem to bother her. SD grew up in a PASing household and we don't roll like that in my house. We all get along and enjoy each other. And we have worked hard (mostly) to resist her efforts to divide us.

I learned about detachment and detached pretty much 90-100% now. She can't hurt my feelings anymore. DH (and our bios) seems to be detaching too (without my saying anything) and we just don't chase her around trying to get her to be part of our family like we used to anymore. That is making it hard for her to keep kicking us in the teeth like she is accustomed to doing. We stopped playing the game.

That DH loves me. He says I brought him luck and I'm the best thing that happened to him and his life has done nothing but improve since he met me. Nobody ever felt that way about BM, because she was an awful person.

That SD41 pretty much burned all her bridges and none of us care if we see her or not anymore. Those tired old games are well, tired and old....

When they leave items in the living room that should be put away and I hide them.

I could give two flying FUCKS what SKID, or what anyone in DHs family thinks about me. Most of you know my story, Skid is autistic and DH and his ENTIRE FAMILY ignored a pediatrician's diagnosis made at least by the age of 3. I came into the picture and forced DH to have him evaluated (at age 6). I feel like i'm the 'black sheep' because I 'OUTED' the kid. There is no BM to speak of, she's between her heroin and the methadone clinic. Waste of skin. Her kid is equally as incompetent because his needs were ignored by the entire universe for 6 fucking years.

Anyhow, he gets o/t, p/t, speech, social skills etc. now and is improving. I loathe this kid's existence, wish BM would clean up and come get her spawn, or wish she'd pay for him or go to jail, SOMETHING. I don't know, I don't like that i'm left cleaning up the messes everyone else has left, just so I can be married to my DH. But, marriage is a compromise, good with bad. If skid doesn't like living in my house, he can GTFO. Same with my bios, all are treated the same. I will never love skid, I will never like him, but I will ADVOCATE for his needs because I don't want to be stuck with him forever. I'd LOVE for someone in DH family to comment they don't like how I parent that kid. that would be my FAVORITE CONVERSATION.... }:)

Point is to OP, FUCK THEM, they are GONE...and your DH is on board with telling them to go F themselves....good job DH!

My skids actually loved me after I married DH - they had a shit fit about the wedding, but got over it. At this point though, they hate me because BM hates me. They all accuse me of being materialistic and fake, but I am about as real as they come, as DH can attest. I tell it like it is. I don't passive agressively post my problems on Facebook like BM and the skids, or talk loudly to a stranger in front of us about problems like BM does whenever DH has to see her at court or an skid Dr. appointment. I am also not materialistic, but I am damn proud that I have bought a big beautiful house on my own and my daughter will never worry if the utilities will be turned off.

So anyways, they (SS13 and SD18) hate everything about me unless it directly benefits them. If it involves buying them something or taking them on a trip (I have even had SD18 try to bully me into buying plane tickets for her friend and friend's mom, who I don't even know and who are friends with BM), its okay. Otherwise, I am a materialistic asshole. I really don't care since SD18 hasn't darkened our doorstep for over a year. She didn't even tell or visit DH on her two week trip down here from college (she did have no problem accepting our Xmas gifts once we realized she was here though), and SS13 and BM are both totally aware that visitation at my house will end immediately if there is any nonsense whatsoever. So, everything is a-okay as far as I am concerned. SD18 is talking about marrying her lame, loser boyfriend so I am sure we'll hear from her soon for money for a wedding, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Oh - one more thing. I like to feed people - I think I got if from my dad who was a butcher, farmer's market owner, and caterer. I just like it. So I always have my fridge stuffed with SS13, DD4,a nd DH's favorite foods. No one has a wieght problem here - I'd like to lose a couple pounds maybe, but I really don't eat it. The rest of them are stick thin. SS13 loves it because BM is the cheapest person I have ever met and feeds them on food stamps and food pantry staples. SD18 told me that they would never have known what greyere cheese, edamame, and different vegetarian options were without me. However, SS13 never ceases to comment on how we have a "fat person's fridge". And how insanely healthy BM eats - although she has had a recent weight gain that is FRIGHTENING. If she is honestly eating healthy, then she is up to a bottle of vodka a night to get that big butt and insane tire on her waist overnight.

I think he exaggerates to everyone though - I've seen it with his friends. I would love to hear what he tells BM about our vacations, new 60 inch internet TV, new car, and all the rest. I bet she has told him to shut up about it long ago, lol!