So When Do I Need to Back Down?
Thank you everyone for your support and advice - I appreciate it greatly. I talked with my SO today, mainly because I woke up at 7AM this morning with high anxiety about SS and his well being. I did some extensive research on the two medications that he is on and was shocked to find that he has a lot of symptoms that have warnings stating that the doctor should be contacted immediately. I can NOT believe that his mother doesn't notice any of this or that she hasn't taken consideration to what she is putting in her child's body, but I made the decision today that I needed to make myself clear. This kid needs to be off the meds. He needs to be with us. His mother is terrible for him.
Although my SO doesn't get all emotional when it comes to changing things, and he is probably way more patient than I, he has made the point to take me to his parents house and at least talk with his father. He told his father that he needed their support when contacting his ex about this matter, because she will most definitely be blowing up their phone once my SO calls her and discusses this matter. My SO's father basically told ME that he really likes me, I am by far the best woman that my SO has ever been involved with, but I need to be prepared for my SO's mother who will tell me that the choices are between my SO and BM, and I shouldn't interject so much. Which I will most definitely defend myself on. I have a say if I am supposed to be responsible for him.
I told my SO that if he doesn't start making changes and getting passionate about his son's well being and start standing up to his ex, I will not have a family with him. I'll be damned if I'm going to start a family with a man that I KNOW won't run through hell or high water for his children.
So, at this point.. I have literally gathered about ten sources from my research to prove my points, and have given them to my SO. He wants them to be at his fingertips when he contacts the BM, so to not be attacking her parenting, rather tell her the risks that she is putting him through. I also hope that he starts seeking legal help.
Does ANYONE know anything about legality and custodial rights? She left the state two years ago without consent of my SO and he is supposed to have him every weekend, by the concern of the court. That obviously is not happening.
My SO is scared for this argument to get legal because he has a lot of friends who went that route and ended up having their CS doubled and minimal custody. Apparently in the state of Kansas, the courts are biased and go for the BM unless she's a prostitute or selling drugs. However, BM is in Louisiana, and we have been told that the custodial rights will have to be settled in his place of residence for the past six months. The way I see it is... She broke her custodial rights by leaving the state... But I am just one angry person...
Unfortunately, if your BM
Unfortunately, if your BM took your SS and he's been in Louisiana for the last two years... The jurisdiction is Louisiana, and it won't go any better than Kansas. (It's LA because your SO had six months to force BM to return him via the courts - after six months, jurisdiction is where the child has been for those six months - that's a federal law.)
I speak from experience - my SD is in LA, and BM bullies and beats her. The following conditions are not considered a "significant change in material circumstances"
- Father has lived in the same place for six years while mother has moved six times.
- Father has remarried (as has mother)
- Father (military) can prove that he will not deploy for the next X years (until SD16 finishes high school)
- Mother neglects basic health maintenance (dental) but can doctor shop to get her (perfectly fine) teenager diagnosed as ADHD/depressed/psychotic and get her put on different psychotropic drugs.
- The 'child' is miserable and wishes to live with her father.
We can't prove the beatings, nor the obscenity-filled rants; she has been VERY careful not to admit to anything. We could put SD16 up on the stand, but even then, we might have a 5% chance of getting custody. At this point, we're just enduring the next 2.5 years and hoping she doesn't get too fucked in the head.
Your story sounds SO much
Your story sounds SO much like mine with how the BM moves around, dad is stable, etc... We aren't sure about being beaten, but kids don't just learn to flinch now do they? No insurance for him either because she had unpaid tickets and the military dropped her insurance. She's just SO irresponsible!
Jurisdiction isn't quite that
Jurisdiction isn't quite that black and white. After a child has held residency in a different county/state for 6 months, jurisdiction is usually transferred. However, it is up the original judge to release jurisdiction.
In our case ss3 has lived primarily in AZ with bm since he was 8a months old, but her transfer of jurisdiction was denied in texas, because we were able to prove that she was trying to move it to file court proceedings behind DH's back... and she was lying to the judge in her county saying texas didn't have continuing jurisdiction over the case. So ourlives case remains in our county, even though we are ncp.
You need to start documenting
You need to start documenting everything and hire a good lawyer. You can win if you can prove she is unfit, but that is a long process and very expensive. Also, I know you don't want to hear this, but I agree with your FIL. This is not your fight, this is DH's. He needs to handle it all.
You can back him up and do the research, but ultimately, you have no say in this. He has to have the communication with her and the lawyers. Our lawyer will not even have a conversation with me or give me documents to give to DH. Nothing...Be prepared to feel completely like an outsider in this process.
I am happy where we are now having given up SD and have full custody of SS. I am just disgusted by the process and the emotional and financial cost. We spent over 17K fighting crap with BM. Ultimately we have SS and he is so much better off, but only because of his age and the fact that he wanted to be here...
I understand it's my fight
I understand it's my fight but it's just beyond my imagination how my SO's family and he, himself, act like they are terrified to say anything to piss her off. No one wants to speak up! Symptoms are so obvious and it just kills me.
We contacted a lawyer, he said it would be a lot of money, around the ballpark of 15k once it was all said and done.
On jurisdiction....you never
On jurisdiction....you never know WHAT they are going to decide. I live in StateA. Son was conceived and born in StateA. Bio-dad fled to StateB to avoid paying CS. For some reason, jurisdiction ended up with StateB - even though DS and I had never moved from StateA.
Now bio-dad is living in StateC - about 100 miles away from where we live. We have both lived where we are for over 6 months. Jurisdiction is STILL StateB, which is MANY miles away...
3libras I am in the same
3libras I am in the same state as you. If jurisdiction is still here, it all depends on where you are and the judge. My divorce was in a small town, my bf's in the city and they are like two different worlds. He filed against his ex LAST Feb which gave her the opportunity to respond with all kinds of false accusations against him. He still has not gotten it settled and has been through the freakin wringer...still not been in front of the judge. You really don't NEED an attorney. My suggestion is to work with one who will advise you and complete the legal filings for you. Do everything else on your own. Who knows the story better, you and SO or an attorney who has other clients he has to keep up with? I know of attorneys in the state who strung along a couple, kept them arguing with each other to the tune of $40,000 and the attorneys were friends and did it on purpose. They would go into "meetings" representing their clients and pretend to argue their case for hours and they did nothing of the sort.