But why fight for full custody of your son if you're not going to make time and be a parent?

I kind of think you know the answer. The fact is, there is no way he could take care of his son full time without you.

A lot of men do this, it is a win-win for them. They kid their kid away from BM, but don't really have to parent the kid themselves.

You are too young for this and what is in store for you. Go live your life.

A puppy? A freaking puppy on top of all of that???!! Jeez. You don't bring new lives into the house without discussing it with your partner. To me, that is a really bad sign. He's already dumped his kid on you and now a puppy? He has no respect for your needs or feelings.

If you plan to stay in the scene, you two need to have a heart-to-heart ASAP. That house needs rules and you are NOT their maid. That kid and your FDH need to clean up after themselves and his damn puppy.

I am sorry. This sucks. You need to turn this shit around or leave ASAP.

I agree with what everyone else is saying. You need to live your life and if you want to stay with him then you need to talk to him. As far as I am concerned the puppy needs to go back. This is sad. I know what it is like. I was 24 and my now DH worked all the time and I had his 2 daughters all the time. I tried to live my life and couldn't. They had needs. It was me who even had to arrange their visits with BM and provide most the transportation. I did it, today, I have no idea why I did all that. I cleaned, cooked, listen to them treat me like shit. I love my husband but it took till now (12 years later) for him to realize all I had went through. Granted I could not fault him and still don't on the fact that he was and still is a wonderful provider financially for our family and we have 2 bios together now that are added on. I am thankful that my SDs are now adults. He is sad and upset he put me through all that especially since now SD19 and I have no relationship. I disengaged from her because she is so toxic. I told my DH its not necessarily financial that a woman needs its emotional support too. I didn't have that. I do now but I look back at the 12 years and I could have made so much of my life if he had just been there more to help me with his kids. I have no regrets marrying him though, I wouldn't have my two beautiful daughters if I hadn't married him. I think you need to try and have a long heart to heart with your DH. I am not going to say leave him because only you know whats in your heart and mind. Besides I would be a wrong to tell you to leave when I myself stayed with mine. Hang in there, I hope it gets better for you and your FDH realizes what is happening.

Well on the surface it doesn't sound good. It looks as though your friend may have heard something from her husband. But, you know this woman, what does your gut tell you. Did she say this because she is really concerned that your FDH is using you, or, is she one of those women who like to cause trouble in other people's lives and relationships. Was she expressing her opinion and not fact.

Either way, you got hurt in that. Use it to your advantage now. Tell FDH. Then tell him that you can see why people would think lie that because you yourself are starting to. You two need to talk.

He is working, he has a lot of debt now, and a lot of pressure to pay it off. But he clearly doesn't appreciate the pressure you are under because of his choices. There were several life choices he made along the way that have led you both to this point in your lives. His being impulsive, has probably paid a role in a lot of these bad choices. Start dealing with that. The puppy goes back. That is a consequence he and probably now his son will just have to suffer. Your FDH didn't get the consequence of having a relationship with his ex, you got that. You got left literally holding the baby. Now he merrily goes out and gets a puppy, the consequences of which, he has no clue. You got stuck with them too. As a very important learning curve for your FDH send the puppy back. If he screams about that, give him a choice, the puppy goes back or the son goes back. Tell him, he is not there to help you, you do not want the responsibility of a puppy. Not at this time.

If your FDH stands his ground over this puppy, or trys to guilt you with, my son loves the puppy etc., after you have told him you feel pretty used here,well, you have the answer you have been looking for. But it is time your FDH learnt the consequences of his actions. You need to do something drastic to wake him up, dig your heels in, be bloody minded and send that puppy back. Don't be afraid. If your FDH leaves you because you don't want a puppy when you have his son full time to look after, well, that's something you need to know at 25 when you have no kids with him. Not 35, 45, 55 and a couple of kids in tow. If he would leave over this puppy. You don't need him. You deserve better. This puppy might be the catalyst for finding out the truth about your relationship.

3libras06, mind your language please.

You will request the dog goes back. REQUEST, no you will TELL him the dog goes back. Especially now you have said the debt is in your name. Your FDH went out, presumably PURCHASED a dog, but even if he got the dog for free, there are ongoing expenses in having a pet. He is in debt, he had no right to buy anything let alone something that has ongoing costs involved. Even worse, you already have a dog. People in debt cannot afford two dogs.

You request nothing, you send that dog back. Again if you are worried that he will leave and stick you with the debt, well, it's already your debt, and if he is the kind of guy that would do this, sooner or later he will anyway. You need to know who he is now.

To buy a second dog on impulse when you have a dog, have the responsibility of a child, and owe someone money, is not just impulsive buying. It shows a high level of immaturity and irresponsibility.

No requests, he needs clear instruction, he needs consequences for his actions.

As for your friend, just watch her. Some people feel the need to point out the flaws in other people's relationships to make them feel better about their own. I believe you being there made it all so easy for him sure, but was he callous and manipulative enough to plan it all out. I'm thinking not, just another of his impulses. He doesn't think things through. He needs to learn that. Can he be taught, well, lets start with the dog and see.

You, have to stop making it all too easy for him to be like this though. You do need to off load some of the responsibilities on him. He's got a lot of growing up to do. He can't do that if you stand in his way and do things for him that he could and should be doing for himself. It's the little things that matter. If he can't take care of a child, well he can take out the rubbish, make a bed, wash a dish. If he can't take care of a dog, he shouldn't have one. He's tired, we all are. Just have to keep on plodding though. You are not his mum. Don't act like it. He can only use you if you let him.

I'm sorry but if for nothing else, the issue with the dog should show you that he clearly doesn't care for or respect you or your time. You are a resource to him. Nothing more. I'm sorry to say it because its clear you love this guy but he has put you in an unacceptable situation and continues to compound it by not taking anyone your needs into consideration. I'm so sorry.

But at the very least..... That dog goes back!

It is suspicious in January he did not want to get married. His primary concern was "paying the lawyer".

Then when the judge doesn't award your FDH custody because he frowns upon living "with a girlfriend, out of wedlock", THEN he proposes.

Maybe your friend does like drama, but just because she likes drama or is jealous does not mean what she is saying isn't true. I too, thought that your FDH was only marrying you because the judge said FDH couldn't get custody while living with someone out of wedlock.

It sounds like all your FDH cares about is getting custody of his son and he'll do what ever he has to do to get it. Oh, I have to be married? Okay, I'll do it.

I'm not saying he doesn't care or love you. I'm saying his first concern is getting custody of his son. Everything else is secondary.

The fact that all of this debt is in your name is a big red flag. And don't let him justify his actions by saying he's trying to pay off debt. I like how dzty put it: "I don't want to feel like this, but your actions are showing me that this is what you are expecting me to do."

You SAY you are marrying me because you love me, but you only asked me to marry you after the judge said you wouldn't get custody while living together.

You SAY you want to be with your son, but I am the one feeding him, bathing him, helping him with his homework, etc. etc.

I agree, sending the dog back will be the first test, but I would be careful. He might send the dog back just to "prove" to you that he'll do what you ask.

I don't feel very good about your situation. I dated a man with a 7 year old son. We talked about moving in together and I noticed he would say "It will be so great to have someone to share the bills with." :? After the second time he said that I said "Is that why we're living together? So I can help you with your bills?" Of course he denied it, but then several months later when I had an issue with his son (again) he said "Maybe we shouldn't move in together, it's not like we're going to save that much money." I really think while he care for me, the fact that I worked was an added "bonus" that he was all too eager to take advantage of. I kept postponing moving in together and he started pressuring me to move in with him. He start giving ultimatums, saying if we're weren't going to live together he needed to reevaluate the relationship because he didn't want to "struggle the rest of his life."

Just be careful, hon.

I am glad that SS11 is out of the abused home...

However I will say it does sound like he was willing to anything to get his son, and proposing makes his situation wanting to show the boy a loving, stable home even better. As said above though this doesn't mean he doesn't have true feelings for you.

I can tell you my DH and I were living together, had already brought up marriage, and everything but pushed it off because of money, and honestly it just didn't seem like that big of a deal at the time - we were already showing SS a much better home. Anyways, BM pulled a stunt where even though they had a iron set decree as time went on it changed a bit to optimize SS/DH time which meant us sometimes getting him a day or two earlier the second week we get him depending on him DH had to come home late, and all of that - they now both have to sign a temporary custody alteration each time DH comes home, as no one has the money or time to get one day changed when in reality even if we had to go by the decree one it's still basically the same just switch off days are Tuesday/Wed instead of Wed/Thurs...anyways BM refused to let DH get SS, call SS or have any communication but as it was on her time we could do nothing DH went to the lawyer and his lawyer said something about he had heard BM say that the fact I was just a 'live in' bothered her and several other things as DH brought up trying to get full custody as well even though he knows that is a long-term plan and he would have to be home for good etc. Well DH decided we should get engaged to at least make each other look better mind you he came home and told me everything the lawyer said, we went out got a promise ring, I wore it and we didn't have a word, but BM took it as we were engaged and it spread like wildfire...and everyone's tune including, lawyer, BM, and other people's town changed towards me because I was "more dedicated" and blah bah. Mind you later we did officially get engaged and make a announcement once money was right, but just having that promise ring made so many people assume and actually made our lives easier.

I would seriously have a talk with him about why did he do it when he did - like I said my DH was open and we decided to get a promise ring. I would also talk about the dog as said above that is him completely showing he doesn't care how much you have on your plate if he wants something he is going to get it.

As for the debt I know this sounds bad but get in writing it is HIS debt and HE should pay....even if you forgive some of it by paying it yourself - at this point he can walk away and say that was you trying to be sweet, and the fact that it is in your name leaves you responsible for payback. Which could be a reason to get a job if you don't have one, and would give you a escape from the house to have some semi-you time, and force most of responsibility for SS11 on him.

Sounds like y'all need to have a talk about how you feel. Resentment can be easy to extinguish if talked about, can grow faster than you can every imagine without communication, and then you will truly be miserable.