Taking in a Cousin
It recently came to my attention that two of my second cousins are being put into boy's homes. They live in another state and basically their parents haven't had anything to do with them since they were little tiny kids. My aunt passed away a year ago, leaving them to my uncle who is probably in his 70's and just doesn't have the willpower to deal with two teenagers at this point. Both boys harbor a LOT of anger toward their upbringing, which I don't doubt one bit. They cannot go to a home together because, as the social worker said, "they fight like grown men".
Over the years I've had a stronger connection with the older of the two. He's currently 16 years old and has been in a mental institution for threatening suicide. I have requested a full copy of the history on his mental evaluations so I know exactly what kind of diagnosis he has been given. The social worker has known him for years, since we are all part of a tribe and they like to keep things within the family. She says that he is a good boy, he just has had a very tough upbringing and simply needs a home that has structure and two parental figures. I don't know if this is something that a social worker would typically say or if she really means this.
I have talked to FDH and he knows that I would like to help however I can.
I'm posting this because I'd like advice from anyone about how the dynamics of this household would change with a 16 year old boy. What are they like? What should I know? I don't have any children of my own but FDH and I have custody of his 11 year old son. Is this a bad idea to take him in when we have custody of FDH's son who is recovering from living in an abusive household? I want to help my family but I don't want to get myself into something that's going to be a living hell.
Well, my SS36 is actually my
Well, my SS36 is actually my nephew as you may know. DH and I got married young and he was a father figure to SS. He has lived with us several times over the years but mainly lived w/ MIL. He came to us at 16, in trouble and full of hate, similar to your situation. Know what your getting into, clear boundries, clear rules,say a prayer, and take a deep breath and jump in! I would never take in a troubled kid now at my age it's a lot of work. But I had the energy and gumption back then ( as well as a 3 yo and a 10 mo yikes) and not to be too dramatic, it might've saved SS's life at the time. Good luck and God bless.
Caveat: if he AT ANY TIME
Caveat: if he AT ANY TIME becomes destructive or dangerous to anyone in the house, he's gone. SS was always good and loving with my kids, that was never an issue. I wouldn't have stood for it for a single day. MOMMA BEAR DON'T PLAY THAT.
I agree 100%. One year ago
I agree 100%. One year ago when I saw him at my aunt's funeral he seemed like a very approachable and happy young man; his behavior may have been to cover up his sadness for the loss... OR maybe he has a hard time processing emotions completely. I realize a lot can change in a year... My hopes are that he will realize that FDH and I are opening our home to him to show him a better future and help him achieve a more positive lifestyle. I don't want him to lose complete hope in life.
I agree 100%. One year ago
I agree 100%. One year ago when I saw him at my aunt's funeral he seemed like a very approachable and happy young man; his behavior may have been to cover up his sadness for the loss... OR maybe he has a hard time processing emotions completely. I realize a lot can change in a year... My hopes are that he will realize that FDH and I are opening our home to him to show him a better future and help him achieve a more positive lifestyle. I don't want him to lose complete hope in life.
I realize the damage is done
I realize the damage is done but my hopes are to help those wounds heal. Hopefully he can move on with the right amount of structure, support and guidance.
It CAN be done. It requires a
It CAN be done. It requires a leap of faith.
And a couple cups of good luck.
These situations end badly
These situations end badly sometimes, and then sometimes they end well. It really depends on the parties involved. There are a lot of variables.
I'm not sure how to advise
I'm not sure how to advise you on this situation. I will tell you this, though .. I was 16 when both of my parents died. My sister was 15. My dad died of a heart attack very suddenly, and 3 months later my mother lost her battle to lymphoma.
We were not "troubled" kids. We were grieving, terribly. But out of 17 aunts and uncles between the two sides of my family, not one thought it was a good idea to take in two "troubled teens".
So we ended up in foster care where we were regularly and systematically abused for the next 2 years. My sister took years to recover. It wasn't until she came very very close to a successful suicide attempt that anyone in our family realized the extent of the damage. She has since recovered and lives a happy, fulfilling life now. But I wouldn't wish any of that experience on my worst enemy.
You need to do what's best for your family; your situation sounds very different than what I went through, but maybe there are a couple underlying similarities. Like ctnmom said, there are a lot of variables, so you'll have to consider how this will work in your exact situation.
How awful SM! My brother is a
How awful SM! My brother is a 51yo childless gay man, so no nieces or nephews on this side, but i would NEVER let any of my nieces or nephews go to foster care after thier parents died! Or my friends kids for that matter! That just isn't right! Shame on them!