Live-in's Daughter, 25, hates me...please comment
My significant other, John, has a daughter who is 25 and has a grandson who has some sensory-motor issues and was also not speaking yet at 2-years of age. I babysat and noticed some things so I suggested that she have town services come to help him with his speech (I said that many of my friends have used this service because, if you get help before the age of three, the towns pay for the speech therapy and then they will be ready for pre-school). Because I made this suggestion (which her father had made previously many times anyway), she decided that she hated me. John's parents were having a renewal of their wedding vows (40 years!) and I went to this event. When the baby wanted to come on my lap, his daughter stood up (at the reception) and loudly proclaimed that she didn't like me and that I didn't belong there! Everyone who heard was shocked, and I was totally humiliated. She put a note in my mailbox saying that she would NEVER apologize to me.
Next, she was getting married and did not invite me to the wedding, even though I live with her father. John tried to get together with her and talk with her a few times to have her at least apologize to HIM for humiliating us, and she refused to speak with him. She only spoke right before the wedding, still saying that she wouldn't apologize. This is all because I showed some concern for her son.
So, he decided to go to the wedding and walk her down the aisle, but not to go to the reception because he would have had to go alone (without me) and because she just refused to even say she was sorry to him. He asked her to treat him with some respect, but she refused. He chose this was as a compromise because he wanted to see her get married and to be there for her, yet he wanted her to know that what she did was just plain wrong (humiliating me and then excluding me).
John called his mother to talk about this whole dilemma a week prior to the wedding, but his mother (and I heard this myself) said that she had her own problems and did not want to hear anything about this. So, she could have advised him but chose not to.
Since then, many people in his family are mad at him, except for his other daughter, 20, who understands. Incidentally, his parents were going to stay at our house for the weekend of the wedding, even though I wasn't invited, and I got the whole house and guest room ready, stocked the fridge--the works. I knew that they would all be buzzing about how great the wedding was, but I thought that I'd be hospitable. But, even though they were told that John wasn't going to the wedding reception, when it actually did happen that he didn't go, they called and said that they weren't coming. They never spoke to me or apologized for not coming (John told them how I worked hard getting everything ready for them). Not only did his family abandon him totally, but his daughter now will not allow him to see his grandson ever again.
I feel that John had very little choice in the matter. If he had gone as though everything were fine, she would continue to treat me like crap and treat him with no respect at all. He was really between a rock and a hard place, and I feel that he did the best he could (attending the ceremony). This is all way too much drama for me. My two grown children, my little girl, and my whole extended family treat John like he's been in our family forever, yet John's family treats me like an interloper.
Any comments?
If you read other posts on
If you read other posts on this site you will find you are not alone. Your predicament is typical for Step Daughters. You are a threat to them owning and manipulating Daddy. Too bad that relatives have their blinders on but then, that's nothing unusual either. Whatever you do, before you ever consider marrying this man be sure he agrees to emotionally support you, expect others to respect you as his wife,and that the marriage is the main focus in your relationship. You should have been thanked for suggesting she take advantage of a free program to help her child. Many of us have had the experience of SD's finding an excuse to 'hate' the SM or SO but this is irrational. Yes, she DOES owe you an apology for being so rude but don't hold your breath waiting for it. The best thing you can do is disengage. Have nothing to do with her until she can treat you with tolerance and respect. It's a heck of a lot easier that way.
Sounds like your family has
Sounds like your family has more class
Honestly, blow it off...as long as he is standing behind you for what his daughter did then good for him, and honestly his family needs to think about how rude his daughter was to you by humiliating you, sounds like to me they have some issues of their own personality that they need to get a grip on.
Right now things are heated..BUT... I know this much, his daughter will need him way before he needs her so you both keep that in mind. When it comes to the moment, that point, THEN he can bring up the issue again of the disrespect she has done towards you and him.
Sounds like to me she is drama :/
Some people have to cause a scene to be the center of attention, it was not real mature of her to act like that for her age.
If she has a issue with you then the adult thing would be to pull you aside and address her feelings like a adult.
I know this hurts your husband and I know this has certainly hurt you but don't exstend yourself any further until you see other people making a concentrated effort on their part.
What you recommended for her son was no big deal, you was only trying to help and was concerned, honestly...she sounds like a drama queen.
If she wont let him see the baby its only manipulation at this time to break him down, its complete stupidity on her part..but even that wont last long.
What she is REALLY implying is " I want it my way or screw you" its a little controlling ya think ?
She needs to understand out of respect for her father she needs to respect you, she CAN NOT pick his life partner anymore then he could for her, how would she like it if he did this to her, no what I'm saying? and I would ask him to certainly point that out to her when the moment arrives.
Just let it go, you both live your lives..you have enough love in your life anyways, either people choose to be a part of it or not, then again...you also have the choice to open your door..OR keep it shut on whoever wants to be a jerk, you only accept certain behavior IF you choose to.
Until then, don't let her mind games get to you, stay one step ahead with a smile on your face and just know when all else fails you and hubby have eachother, and thats the most important.
Everyone else that is grown and a adult is honestly secondary
in your lives.
RE: Stepaside, You said it
RE: Stepaside,
You said it PERFECTlY..I absolutley LOVE reading your posts to others
You helped me with mine and you have a way with words ...
" I Love it"... ((huggs)) your awsume !!!!
Honestly I could not have said it any better then you
you go girl
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your help. You are all so right on the money -- this is exactly how I feel. I am going to take the advice given here and just let things be. It is pretty sad, though, and I had no idea how prevelent this kind of behavior is! Thanks again!
Yes, you are correct. If John
Yes, you are correct. If John would have gone along with the demands of his daughter, she would have just continued. These children have manipulated their parents all their young lives and feel they should be able to get everyting they want from them as adults. They will side bio parents against one another to get what they want. We stepmoms become nothing, no matter how much we do and how hard we work at a relationship or to be a part.
After 15 years with my husband a situation came up between my bios and my steps which completely split the family. Husband's side of the family supported his sons and my family supported my daughters and it has remained that way for something like 7 years now. It didn't matter what all I had done for this boys in the 15 years previous....I didn't do what the family wanted of me and so I have had the cold shoulder ever since. Sure, looking back maybe I could have done things differently but the way things are now I almost welcome the divide.
Your husband did the right thing and I feel for the lack of accptance you have received. Almost sounds like you and John may have to figure a way to live your lives together rather than thinking your lives can be shared wth his family.
John did what he felt was
John did what he felt was best. The family doesn't have to agree with it, nor like it.
If they are giving John the cold shoulder, sometimes that is the price of doing what is right.
It seems this whole family has issues, and are very enmeshed with one another. They will label John as the "bad one" as a means of avoiding their dealing with their own issues. It is easier to blame someone else for put the responsibility onto John than to really look at the situation, and deal with the issues.
This daughter sounds like she feels she can get away with this crap because the other family members allower her to, and seem to support her in her bad behavior.
I say John should stick-to-his-guns, and not allow his bratty daughter to get away with this. If she refused to apologize, so be it - that is her decision - but then John can make the decision to give her consequences for her bad behavior. It sounds like he has already begun that process at her wedding.
Don't give in John, or you will have an even bigger monster on your hands!