My SO is being a complete jerk
My BD(7) has been acting very emotional lately. She has been having horrible tantrums and has been in a bad mood frequently.
At first I though it was becuase of her dead beat dad not really spending any time with her and not calling her. (He only sees her once a month if she's lucky and never calls.) Then I started thinking about the fact that she usually only does her freak out thing when SO's kids are with us and it's usually a result of SO's BD(6).
So I went to SO last night with an idea that I wanted to try. Both my BD and his BD share a room. His BD is constantly telling my BD that all of her toys are hers, has stold money out of her piggy bank, says mean things to her, bullys her, tries to dominate her. SO's BD is basically a very insecure child that has to pick on others in order to make herself feel better about who she is. It got so bad when they were in the same kindergaten class that at the end of the year the teacher put them in sperate classes for following year due to her worries over how dominating SO's BD is over my BD and how it could affect my BD's development. His BS(4) is also telling my BD that it's not her bedroom that it's his sisters, which it was before we moved in, and that he wished she didn't live there.
We live in a three bedroom house but we have an additional room the SO uses for an Office. Nobody ever uses that room. I just clean it and sometimes my BD plays with legos in it. So I talked with SO about how I would like to move my BD to that room because I think that she feels like she doesn't have a place in the house. I think that her outbursts are due to the fact that she has been picked on to the point where she just explodes and that having her own space would make her feel like she was a part of the family instead of having his kids make her feel like an outcast.
Well that didn't go over very well with him. SO's reasoning for not wanting to do it is because he thinks that it will make the house ugly. So we proceeded to argue a bit over and then he called my daughter a cry baby. WTF!!! He is 31 years old and he's going to call a 7 year old names. So I told him that his daughter is a bully, which she is. SO just got up and walked away and went to bed.
I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I think that his kids are making my BD's life a living hell and he doesn't even care. He openly admitted last night that eventually my BD will have to use the office as her room when she gets older. It's almost like he doesn't care about how his kids affect mine. It just makes me so frustrated. I feel like he's being a complete a$$hole.
I'm trying to understand
I'm trying to understand why...if you have an "extra" room...that you are making the kids share a room in the first place. Screw making the house ugly.
And by all rights, you attacked his kids first by telling him that his kids are "mean" to your kid and that is why you want to move your kid. I'm just saying that maybe your DH would have taken the news better, if you had not put it to him in a way that downed his kids.
Just tell him that what you meant was that all the kids need their own space. End of story. Gotta learn to work these men sometimes.
I disagree that the OP
I disagree that the OP "attacked" his kids. They ARE being mean.
Why can't we tell these men the truth? It would make them angry? Hurt their feelings? They are ADULTS.
And why would OP put so much consideration into how her SO feels about this, or "downing" his kids, when he does not care one iota about how her daughter is feeling? This is one more instance of advice where the BK's are supposed to suck it up and continue to take abuse so daddy dearest and his kids can be happy. :sick:
OP,
she would get her own room, or I would seriously rethink this situation. It will only get worse as the kids get older. I have been there, and have the tshirt. His daughter won't magically stop stealing. She won't stop being a brat if her dad won't discipline her. It is something to think about. Do you want your daughter to grow up feeling less than or dominated by his kids?
My heart hurts for your daughter.
Id just clear out the office
Id just clear out the office and let your daughter have that room. Screw what he says.
I would say to him that you
I would say to him that you are emptying the office out and making it into a bedroom for YOUR daughter. I would even decorate it to her liking. I think your right, she has no place in the house to call her own. You and your daughter have made all the changes to be in his home. She needs to feel special and loved.
If the shoe were on the other foot, he'd be standing up for his children.
If he can't accomodate you and your daughter's needs, tell him you can find an apartment that will fit her needs without the bullying and name calling. He should be embarrassed that he called a 7 year old a cry baby and he's the one who had the "silent" temper tantrum and went to his room to pout. Who's calling the kettle black here?
Hang in there!
How about suggesting then
How about suggesting then that he and his son share a room and you and your bio share a room. the house wont be ugly and leave that as his only two choices.
I did say that his daughter
I did say that his daughter was a bully. But that was only after he called my daughter a cry baby. What he doesn't understand is that I think the reason why she is acting out is because of the way his kids treat her. Nothing is hers including her toys according to SO's BD. He won't even stop for a minute and realize that maybe I'm right and even if I'm not why can't we try it. What do we have to lose? Nothing.
It's just so frustrating that, if this is what she needs, he doesn't want to do it. He would rather her feel the way she does and then call her a cry baby and complain about her freak outs because it would make the house look ugly.
He knows his kid is a bully. He's told her that when she is being a bully and he's told me that so it's not like I stabbed him in the heart when I called her that.
Deep in his heart, he knows
Deep in his heart, he knows the truth. He just got defensive because he felt you were attacking his spawn and he had to protect.
That's tht thing I wasn't. I
That's tht thing I wasn't. I explained to him that I think with all the times she has been picked on that she's gotten to the point where she just explodes now. He knows she's been picked on.
His response was a no. I asked him why and he said that it's because he needs his office. I told him that he doesn't even use the office. Nobody does and he said it would make the house ugly. I asked him why can't we just try it out? And told him I was going to do it regardless and that's when he called my daughter a cry baby.
I just don't get it. He's already told me that she'll have to move into the office eventually so why is it such a big fight right now. And what if it works.
What really upsets me the most about his reaction is that he doesn't care enough about my BD to do this and is more concerned with how the house will look. It's just sad to me. I thought he cared more.
I think you and SO need to
I think you and SO need to discuss the issue at hand.. no name calling, no attacks on the kids, etc.. just lay it all out on the table. You realize that your daughter is not behaving properly, and he needs to realize that his children are not behaving properly either. Y'all need to form a united front. The kids need to be put in their places (as children), and they need to know that you and SO are in control.. you are the adults. The children's behavior is the problem, which needs to be corrected, and quickly. Simply moving your daughter to her own room will not solve the problem. The children need to know that the way they are behaving is not acceptable, and will not be tolerated. No tantrums, no bullying.
Easier said then done
Easier said then done lexaprotakemeaway. How would we go about doing that? SO has let his kids run wild until I can into the picture. No rules or boundaries. His BD is a mean child who doesn't care about any form of punishment. So I will gladly take any suggestions of how to put her in her place.
Let me give you an example of what I am talking about:
SO's BD is at the ex's house for the week. The ex calls SO because their BD had b!tched slapped her step sister. When the ex tried to punish her she began to punch the ex. The ex drives the kid down to talk a cop. The child gives the cop all sorts of attitude.
Wait, wait, I've got another one:
SO had hid BD in the bath tub. BD spills water all over the floor. SO goes in and cleans it up and lectures her at the same time. SO's BD calls SO a moron. SO bops BD in the mouth. SO's BD goes to the ex for her week. SO's BD lies to the cops and tells them that SO grabbed her by her head and slammed it into the wall. CPS shows up at our house and does an investigation.
How about the countless times she has just punched her brother in the face. You can punish her all you want. She'll come back out and do it again. How about all the times I watch her pick on my BD. I say something and she just waits for me to leave the room. The only reason why I knew she was stealing from my BD is I happened to walk by the room and heard my BD tell her to her give the dollar back and I head SO's BD tell her, "why don't you just shut your face." My BD wasn't even going to say anything to either SO and I. She was just going to let her steal from her. My BD would have never done that before I moved in with SO. She would have come straight to me and told me. I am worried about how SO's BD's bullying and bossiness is affecting my BD's development. She won't stand up for herself and she won't even come and tell me. I would like to get my BD out of that room and into her own space so that if she wants she can close the door right in SO's BD's face and take back some of what has been taken from her. I feel like she literally being emotionally beat down.
Um yeah, what about the
Um yeah, what about the option of living separately?
This sounds like a bit more
This sounds like a bit more than sibling rivalry here. What's it going to take for SO to get his head out of his ass and realize his daughter is turning into a monster? How are the school reports I wonder? Does school have counsellor? Perhaps a report from her might help open his eyes?
We have been the whole nine yards with SD, her behaviors began from the start! She's a twin, her brother was the one who was downtrodden by her. In second grade she was diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds. Her behaviors got worse, similar incidents to what you described and add that she took a knife to her brother and he managed to wrestle it from her. I prayed, there was NOTHING I could do! The pastor actually arrived at our door immediately...thank you LORD!
I sometimes feel like throwing holy water and getting a young priest and an old priest to her! I am not a catholic iether!
You would not believe the stories about SD here, it just does not seem humanly possible!
Currently SD is in a secure juvenile facility, numerous charges including resisting arrest and assault on the infirm for which she got two years.
I honestly thought it was a lack of parenting too, for the longest time, and I still think that things could have been done differently, however, we are here in the 'right now' and it's going to be a case of what we do next that's important. I love my SKids, very much, and I love my DH more than he'll ever know.
When you are dealing with some men you really do have to go 'softly softly catchee monkey' with them. Plant the bug in his ear now and again about switching the rooms around. Have your daughter counselled on how to deal with bullies too! Counselling got a really bad rap for a while but there are some great ones out there who have got a handle on human nature and how to deal with people.
The way I see it is that you are both being very defensive about your daughters and, believe me, they will both pick up on it and a HUGE RIFT will form if this situation is not handled soon.
How about coming from a place of love? It's crucial that your BM sees you as an advocate for her...equally so with his daughter needing her daddy to advocate. How about you and SO advocating for BOTH girls together?
A pow wow is needed here with a third party! (tongue firmly in cheek here!!) Tell SO YOU BOTH need a swift kick up the ass here from a third party and that way SO will not feel like he's being selected as the bad guy. Let the girls also decide between them, a pact they make as sisters, or draw straws or some fair way of decision making as to who gets the office space...maybe he wanted his BD to be the first choice for a new room? You know, sometimes adults can act childish too!! Open the floor for discusson on what happens to the office furniture, I am sure there's a space in the house somewhere for it without the house looking 'ugly' LOL. Please do not pick on him further for that statement because if he gets embarrassed by it he might go off again and you'll undo any good work you accomplish.
Wow, that's waaaay out of
Wow, that's waaaay out of control for a 7 year old. If SO is not willing to stand up with you to demand respect and behavior changes from his children, I'm afraid you're fighting a losing battle. I definitely would absolutely not have my child subjected to the type of behavior you describe by SD, it's just ridiculous. No one deserves to be treated like that.
I guess if I were you, I'd be looking for the exit sign.
She's only 6.
She's only 6.
I had the ages confused,
I had the ages confused, sorry. 6 is even worse to be acting like that.
Outside grounding and scolding, I have left the discipline of my skids up to their father (which he does do when they need it). Sounds to me like your skids are getting like zero discipline from dad, and therein lies the problem. If he refuses see that his daughter is a bully (because it seems very obvious from what you've posted here that she is), then he won't ever get your point. I still think that unless you and SO can get on the same page with this and move forward to get some peace and respect in the household, you and your daughter will continue to be miserable. You can't fix the problem on your own. Moving your daughter to her own room will only mean that SD will find other ways to push her around.
If you can't gain any ground with your SO on this issue, I think maybe you should consider moving on. Maybe the next one SO gets won't mind living with gremlins.
Sounds to me that even if you
Sounds to me that even if you do put your daughter into her own room that is not going to stop your stepdaughter from bullying her She clearly knows no boundaries now, so why should a closed door with your daughters name on it stop her, it won't. I think your husband's children are way, way out of control. Something is very wrong when a parent has to take a 7 year old to the police in order for them to discipline her. Your SK's don't seem to have any real parent in their lives, both mum and dad seem to be falling far short in their responsibiities here, so I don't see how you can fix it. I think you need to seriously think about your daughter's welfare. If these young kids are as bad as you say they are, why would you want your daughter exposed to this on a daily basis. Either your husband sorts it out to your satisfaction or you protect your child and your sanity by finding some peace and quite in a home of home of your own. I think giving your daughter her own room may very well just provoke your step daughter and cause your daughter more grieve. Good luck.
My daughter just turned 9 and
My daughter just turned 9 and has issues with my bf's younger girls (8 and almost 7) playing with her things. I see her point because children never treat other's things the way they would their own. I constantly feel like toy monitor and it sucks, because there is a line, and it's impossible for young kids to navigate it. My first thought was to get your daughter her own toys so that this issue doesn't exist. My second thought was why in the world does his BD even HAVE toys with the behavior she's engaged in?! Everything should have been removed at this point, but because she can misbehave and keep her possessions, the actions continue on. I also feel like giving your BD her own bedroom is a tiny band-aid for something that requires amputation. Your SO's parenting is the problem here, and I don't see it getting better as the kids get older. My bf has three great kids, and I have two great kids as well. We all get along. And I'm still not moving us all in together. Even with great kids, it is very difficult to work around. And your situation is just a time bomb waiting to happen. I would get out before it goes off!
You really need to get your
You really need to get your DD away from his kids. Having her own room won't solve the problem.
I Think I read this right,
I Think I read this right, but if I didn't, excuse me... Your husband "bopped" your SD in the mouth for calling him a moron? Should that be read as your husband Hit your SD? There should be No surprise that this kid is hitting others - her brother, your DD, kids at school.... She's being Taught that it's okay to hit because her father hit her.
I would not be keeping my kid in this house - your daughter is being bullied at home and it sounds like, at school. There are kids that kill themselves (one was 11 and hung herself like a week ago) because of being bullied. And I have to wonder, how long will it be before your husband thinks it's ok to "bop" your DD in the mouth when he's pissed at one of her tantrums?
Whether it's counseling, or separate residences, or who knows what, You are responsible for Your daughter and you are forcing this child to be in this living situation where is is being bullied. If she needs her own room, you need to stop asking for Permission to take care of your kid in your own house and just take care of her. It sounds a bit like you need to stop asking for permission to take care of yourself as well. You deserve to be treated well and so does your daughter.
He did not hit his BD. He
He did not hit his BD. He flicked her in the mouth and he knows better then to ever lay a hand on my BD. He just doesn't think that his BD's bullying is that bad where as I think it's a bit over the top and it's not being addressed properly.
He said that my BD can use the room on a trial basis and if we don't see any improvement that she has to move back into his BD's bedroom. I want to put up a camera with a wi-fi connection and record what his BD does so he can see exactly what I'm talking about.
Why are you keeping your
Why are you keeping your daughter in that house? You are the only person there who loves, cares about her and want to protect her. The others don't give a damn about your child. Put your daughter first. Get her away from them.
My DH says I turn into a
My DH says I turn into a werewolf when my kids are threatened, complete w/hand hair and fangs lol. You need to find your inner werewolf and get your daughter her own room. permanately. And watch those skids like a hawk and call them out when they bully.Your poor little girl is tantruming as a cry for help, and if you don't help her, who will?
HE says your daughter can
HE says your daughter can have the room on a TRIAL basis but if there is no improvement she will have to move back into a shared room with her tormentor. That's very nice of him isn't it. Where are you in all of this. Are you not living together as a couple, or are you just a boarder in this house. YOU should have a right to say this is what you are doing for your daughter's well being end of story. As for him knowing better than to touch your daughter. If he hit his daughter in temper, then his temper will come out sooner or later with your own child. No wonder his daughter is a bully, children learn what they see. Your child will also learn this if you live in a house full of bullies.
My SO thinks that her
My SO thinks that her outbursts are from other issues in her life. He thinks it's from her Bio dad not really ever being around to spend time with her. Maybe he's right. But he hasn't really been in the piture since July of last year and the outbursts just started happening a couple of months ago and usually only happen when his kids are there and it's usually from his BD.
Would this be the same SO who
Would this be the same SO who doesn't want her to have the spare room because it would make the house look ugly. Teachers have told you she is being dominated by his daughter, you know she is being bullied by both his kids and you are letting him convince you it has nothing to do with HIS kids.
Look I understand that you are not jumping for joy at most of the advice here which is to get your own place and take your daughter out of that situation, but seriously, if she is being harmed in any way, and according to you she is, you need to as her mother protect her at all costs. She is only 7. She does not have the verbal skills to talk to you and get it all out, maybe not seeing her dad does play some part in it, but she may have dealt with that okay, however having two bullies getting stuck into her at home and school she has no respite from it. I throw tantrums too, woudn't you if you were relentlessly picked on at work and then had to come home and live with the same people picking on you at home too.
Children have been know to do some serious harm to themselves because they were bullied and you need to think about that. The teacher saw fit to move her into a different classroom, you need to move her it a different home. Giving her her own room in that house is only setting her up to be a bigger target based on what you have been saying. As for your SO not wanting to even try the own room thing because it would make his house look ugly PLEASE, he clearly thinks more of HIS house thand he does YOUR daughter. That should tell you all you need to know.
Just another thought has it
Just another thought has it occured to you that her tantrums may be directed at you. She may be angry because she feels you have put her in this position. I am not saying this to blame you or to make you feel bad, but it is a thought. You are the only parent she has, she may feel let down by you.
Maybe get more of a backbone
Maybe get more of a backbone yourself because your SO is bullying you. Clear out his office, paint and decorate it for your daughter and show her that she has a place and you're willing to stand up for her so she can have confidence to stand up for herself. I would put a camera in there and some beads or bells or bead curtain on the door so anytime his BD wants to invade your DD's room, everyone in the house can hear her walk through the door so your DD has some warning - and so do you. Make your DD's room pretty, princessy, all hers and SAFE. If his BD throws a fit about it, so what. Tell her that your BD had to have her own room because she wouldn't share. Period. Then the room is painted, done and your SO can't take his office back and force your BD to share with his again. If it doesn't have a door, put one in (yard sale, craiglist, anything). If it has glass doors, put on curtains (sheets, tablecloths, something). Heck, paint a mural too. And when you're done with her room, start on the master bedroom and make it YOURS - not what he had before you moved in.
My DH and I have been married 3 years. I moved into his house. He wouldn't let me decorate, most of my stuff was put in storage. I felt very unwelcomed in this house. I should have stood up for myself but didn't. It took 2 and a half years and 2 moves (we're not back to this house - long story) and me just taking charge before I got to decorate. And I do a good job decorating. And now it's got "me" in the house too and my family treasures, etc too. But we almost divorced before we got to that point. Stand up now because if you don't, he'll walk all over you and so will his kids. Set your boundaries now and set them in stone before you marry this guy.
Well we moved my BD into the
Well we moved my BD into the office which is now officailly her room. SO realizes that this is not temporary but a permanent move her.
His BD was not very pleased about it but I don't really care what she thinks.
I am planning on decorating it, only not with pretty princess stuff. She's more of a tom boy who prefers spiderman to pink any day of the week.
As far as SO not caring about my BD or myself, I would have to completely disagree. I know he loves the both of us. It's just that he knows that his BD has problems and believe me when I tell you that he is on her a$$ all the time. He even told me this weekend that he's afraid that she is going to destroy our relationship and that he doesn't know what to do about her. Which I can understand. I don't have a clue about what to about her attitude/personality.
I think that he gets super defensive when anything is mentioned about his BD because it makes him feel like he is a complete failuer as a father.
We had a foster daughter that
We had a foster daughter that was older than my oldest child at the time. She had issues, I (wisely) didn't trust her alone with the younger kids...so I used a baby monitor to listen in on their play time. Sometimes it gave me a heads up on what to talk to them about(like when they played barbies and fd(8) started a story line about the two gay ken dolls to bd(5). Later..we talked to bd about "being gay" and fd about respecting the little kids right to a childhood. Also..it let me monitor her bullying...and gave me piece of mind. Not a terrible idea really. They are pretty young...no expectation of privacy, imo.