Jealousy of SD7 and I can't seem to get over it :(
Ok so I'm jealous of my SD7 and I am terrified it is going to split up my relationship with my partner who I love dearly.I have a little girl who is almost 4, very cheeky and funny but she has been going through the terrible 2's all through her third year. My partner has been amazing at helping me get her on track, he has helped discipline her (because I'm not very good at it). This was hard to see sometimes but we have come out the other end now and my daughter loves him to bits and see's the two of us as almost equal now, as much as could ever be expected.
SD is a beautiful little girl, polite, well behaved, very quiet and not jealous of me at all. I couldn't ask for a better one tbh apart from that she is a little too quiet. I find it extremely hard to bond with her as she is not very outgoing at all. She is very close to her dad as you would expect because he has lived with her and her alone for the last 2 years before we met.
The problem I have is that I feel overbearing jealousy when they show affection to each other 
She is quite a cuddly girl and she is always wanting cuddles from him and whenever it happens I feel horrible. So bad that I just want to stay away from them when they are together. This is usually at its worst, and I find myself unable to control it, when she initially returns from being at her mums for a few days. Probably because I have been used to having him all to myself and the fact that she has missed him so they are being more attentive to each other. If he sits next to her rather than me when we go out for a meal I hate that and when we put the kids to bed and he is saying goodnight to her is not a nice feeling again.
Also, I do everything for her, as I do my own child but everything she ever says is directed to "Daddy" e.g. Daddy can I leave the table.... Daddy what does this say.... Daddy can you help me with this.... Daddy thanks for tea (even if i have cooked it!)
I hate myself for these feelings, I do like the girl when I am not feeling this way and I know I couldn't ask for a nicer girl to be my SD, I am very lucky in that respect, but I just cannot control the feelings that envelop me.
I do not want to get in the way of their relationship. I do not want him not to hug her and I do not want her to not be in our lives. I just want to feel okay about the time they spend together. Its not excessive and my partner is very affectionate towards me also.
I have had to speak to my partner about my feelings and be open about it because it has started to become obvious that I leave the room and can't bring myself to speak when she is around. He cannot understand any of it though.
I feel like I want to be the most important person in his life, I want to be the one he loves the most - selfish and immature I know but I can't seem to help it. I feel awful for feeling it. This all really upsets him and he can't seem to say anything to help. He just confirms that she is and always will be the one he loves the most and the one who is most important to him - this hurts alot and I don't think I can get over it. Can I? How?
Any advice gratefully received.
I get it. My DH used to be
I get it. My DH used to be the same about telling me "she came first, blah, blah, blah..." and then wondered why I was so sickened by her. These stupid men have been taught by their pathetic mothers, their ex's and the courts that their "little girls" come first...they are crazy. No father in an intact marriage tells his wife "my daughter comes first and I love her more than you...", yet we are EXPECTED to just "live with it." I got pretty tired of it too. Thankfully, we eventually moved. I did start putting most of my focus not on my relationship, but on my son. When DH wanted to "be" with me, I would tell him "I'll be there in a bit" and usually, would go with our son and read him books, etc. at night and just went to bed AFTER DH went to bed. Eventually he started complaining...funny, when the shoe is on the other foot, then it sucks to be them. I told him that I was sorry, but that our son was just a child and I needed to be there for my son, more than for him. That couple time was really not a necessity and we just had to "ADJUST" to not spending as much alone time together. Our relationship started going down the tubes, but he couldn't say much... lol Eventually I did start spending a bit more time with him and he was so greatful and that's when I told him "funny, you get jealous of me spending more time with OUR OWN SON, who of course, WANTS US TO BE TOGETHER...yet, I am not to feel the same from a daughter that would like nothing more than for us to be apart..." I think he got it. lol
There's nothing wrong with
There's nothing wrong with putting your kid first. (As long as you aren't married) If someone is honest enough to tell you that, then you have a decision to make.
Do I accept it?
Do I move on?
Do I accept it for now and hope I'll be able to change things later?
When my son was a minor, he came first in my live. I never lead any man to believe that would change. Many men could not accept that, and our relationships ended. I was fine with this. I learned that I would never love anyone enough to put them before my child. I would never love anyone enough to move them into our home, and change how I parent.
My solution was to avoid serious relationships until he was older. I met my DF when my son was 17; 3 months before he would be going off to college. At that time I was ready to start thinking about a long term relationship.
My being upfront with the men I dated was fair to them, my son and myself.
No there is nothing wrong
No there is nothing wrong with putting your child first, not at all. However, no ONE family member can and should be placed in first priority position 100% of the time, it just doesnt work and isnt realistic e.g. if there was a medical emergency with you, then most people would consider you as a priority, or if its your wedding day the bride and groom are the priority...
Whereby in any of the fairytales did you hear the prince telling his beautiful bride "well I love you, but sorry you arent going to be my number one lady in my life. That place is already taken..." - YOU are meant to be the alpha female in the house, the fact your partner is telling you you arent as important, arent as loved, arent as wanted as his daughter is making you insecure and most normal people would want this to change, so they compete and avoid in order for things to not hurt so much.
I blame your partner for his loving comments. Shame on him. Time to turn the table on him I think and give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe you need to start investing time in yourself and your happiness first, let bf wait about for you. Make sure he knows he isnt priority number one.
It sounds like you involve your bf when it comes to your dd and while he sounds really suppportive for her and you, the same cant be said about your sd. Does your bf encourage sd to include you in things? Such as, if shes constantly asking bf things and doesnt ask you, doesnt come to you, shadows her father all the time - does he ever tell her "ask SM...", "I cant, but am sure SM can"? Sounds like he has an excluding relationship with sd, and may enjoy the ego trip of being worshipped by sd - so instead of putting you at your ease and ensuring your loved, and are secure he is pitting you against one another.
I get what you are saying
I get what you are saying Delilah, but I don't know that any man would say they love their daughter more-out of the blue. If they are asked and pushed to chose, that may be the outcome, as it would be if a man asked us the same about our kids. I see the mistake in asking a man who he loves more. These are two different kinds of love, period. Why ask for them to be on the same level? They are not. That is the biggest mistake I see, and part of it can be traced back to the English language ( see one of my latest blogs). Not all love is equal and comparing them is not beneficial to anyone.
Like I said, I am even an insecure person, but I have not needed that. DH has told me he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone. It would be crazy for me to ask: "even more than your kids?". Why go there? It's different and what we have for one another is so true and special that I don't want it mixed up with parental love.
I understand that you may
I understand that you may feel jealous, but try and think our your feelings for your own child. You love this man; does your love for your child diminish the love you have for him? Why ask of him what you cannot give yourself? These are two different kinds of love and it is really not productive to put them on the same level. If you do, and push it like that, you will lose, so don't do it.
I love my husband with all my heart. If push came to shove and he made me choose, he would lose. Maybe that will change when she is grown up, I don't know. Neither one of us has ever asked that of the other. We have asked for each other's support when dealing with each other's kids. We have made it clear that this is our relationship and no interference from the kids will change that. We love each other more than we have ever loved another mate or partner or spouse.
I am not even one of those very confident people. I need reassurance and have needed "proof" of being loved, due to some sad history in my past, but that is not a proof that I have asked. I have had my Jealousy with his daughter, but I would not dream of asking him to love me more, just for the sake of it. He has stood up for me, but that was because it was the right thing to do, not because I needed him to pick me over her.
I think you should work on this without turning it on him. If you love each other as adult mates and partners, that is the most special love an adult can ask for and it should be enough. If you ( all of us) ask to be loved the way a parent loves their child, unconditionally and viscerally, then we become a child and if our partner has to chose between two children, they will chose their own.
So it's ok to feel that jealousy, it's natural, but it's something you could strive for overcoming.
*LIKE*
*LIKE*
Herewe, I am in an intact
Herewe, I am in an intact family (my skid is my nephew CTBB)and I can honestly say that I love Perfectson more than DH, and conversly, DH loves DD#1 andDD#2 more that me. They are our children, our flesh and blood. But- he and I are life partners, lovers, and best friends.So there it is! And we're not jealous. Heck, if I were a man I'd love my daughters more than me- they're a lot nicer! }:)
Thank you all for you
Thank you all for you comments they are very helpful.
I have taken on board what you have said and thought about it some more. I've come to the conclusion that although I know it is absurd, I think I subcobnciously see her as a threat to me and my relationship with my partner. That would explain why, even though I like her and want to be an important person in her life and want my partner to be her most important person, I can't cope with her cuddling him. Its not an excessive amount of cuddling or time spent together so I have no real reason to feel how I do. It would also explain why I needed to feel that he loves me more.
We have had a chat and we thought that maybe partner and SD could have some one on one time together when he initially picks her up from her mums before they come home, in the hope that she can get some of her hugs out of the way before they get home. What are your thoughts on this idea? I still obviously need to find a coping mechanism because she is still entitled to hug him and sit with him etc while they are at home. I can't go on leaving the room everytime they are together, that won't help my bond with her. I'm worried this feeling will never leave me.