First post; Dealing with jealousy
I have been with my husband for nearly five years, married for just over one. He has one biological daughter, age 15 and another daughter, age 12, who he unofficially adopted from another marriage (her bio dad is not involved in her life). SD12 stays with us a couple times a week. SD15 is only with us during the summer months. They are both nice girls and with the exception of some jealousy have not given me too much grief.
Regardless, I'm dealing with a lot of jealousy and resentment when it comes to SD15. DH is wonderful to me, however, the stress of having SD15 with us in the summers causes him to become mentally distant. We are both very introverted so SD15s gregarious, talkative nature can be over-stimulating in a way. I hate that I feel this way but I find that I resent SD15 every time she comes to stay for the summer because I know that I will be 'losing' my husband while she is here.
I've been trying so hard to have a better attitude, praying daily that God will help me with the jealousy and selfishness. I want DH all to myself and that is ridiculous. I know that I am also jealous of their relationship because I don't have any children of my own. DH is adament that he will not have any more children, which I knew when we got married and which I accept.
I guess I'm just looking for some consolation that I'm not alone and also hoping for advice for dealing with always feeling like an outsider when it comes to DH and SD15s relationship. I don't feel the same jealousy for SD12, probably partly because she has a quieter personality, because she is not biologically related and because she doesn't receive the preferential treatment I often see SD15 receiving (mostly from her grandparents). DH will say things like, "we're so weird," referring to the goofiness he and SD15 share. I know he doesn't mean anything by it but I so badly want to be a part of the 'we' and when SD15 is here I just feel very alone.
Thanks in advance, and I'm so glad I found this site!
I understand where you are
I understand where you are 100%. Before SD13 stopped coming to home a month ago, I always felt that DH was more distant when his daughter was over. But not because his energy was going into serving her more but because his daughter overwhelms his introverted nature, he couldn't deal with hours of her talking about the new Nikes she wanted or about some boy in school so he would just escape to the room while I sat at a discussion I didn't really want to be in but listened because her going on and on about her life gave me insight to what was happening. They had a lot of "before Me" memories they would talk about and SD would try to prove she was so much like her dad, in a way to tell me "I was here first". It's sometimes hard to remember that we have all had complex lives before meeting the person we are now with, I just remind myself that all my exes stay in the past and I didn't bring any children to the mix. It's hard to look at a relationship you so badly want to be included in and not feel like you have a spot, this is a normal feeling.
Something I did was start to bring ME into the house more, sharing my interest, my hobbies and then developing some new traditions and memories for us to share. Creating new while still honoring the old. Example: I have had a very monochromatic Christmas Tree over the years while alone, well Christmas in our home we utilize half of my silver and blue decorations and half of the ones SD picked out. Creating your own memories and traditions takes time, it cannot be rushed but overtime those will become part of who you are ALL together.
Yes, the way you worded that
Yes, the way you worded that is exactly what happens here. DH's introverted nature becomes overwhelmed because SD is so nonstop chatty. I wind up missing him so badly when SD is here.
I like your new traditions idea. I have done some of that with SD12 (e.g. we do gingerbread houses every Christmas) but haven't done much off that with SD15. I think I just need to try a little harder to think of something that could include all of us.
I think you're perfectly
I think you're perfectly normal. It's a difficult dynamic with an sd because you're not the number one lady in your husbands life. It's a tough pill to swallow I understand that. Especially if you don't have children of your own I would imagine.
Add to that the time taken away from you which can sometimes feel almost unfair when it's ongoing for weeks rather than just a weekend. I'm sure most of us have felt like that before.
You are normal, you're not a bad person.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I can also relate to your
I can also relate to your situation. My husband has a 14 year old daughter and 19 year old daughter in who he is extremely close with. He’s a wonderful father and I wish I could just appreciate that but I often feel jealous of their closeness, despite the fact that my husband shows me every day that I’m the apple of his eye and his daughters have always accepted and resected me. I’ve spent time in therapy because of it and have been able to trace it back to my own childhood issues. It helps me to remember what’s behind the anger and resentment when I start getting down on myself about it.
I just had my first child with him a month ago. His kids love the baby and while it helps a bit in making me feel more a part of the family, it hasn’t really changed that I still struggle with his relationship with them.
You actually have a right to be jealous
Your DH is putting you aside for SD attention. Your only good enough when SD is not there. Really something to think about. That you are just a bed warmer
Have you spoken to your H
Have you spoken to your H about how lonely you feel when SD comes during the Summers? Giving him the benefit of the doubt......perhaps he doesn't see that he's being distant.....explain to him your feelings and see if he makes a change to help you feel included sometimes. Also, if I were you I'd make plans to do things on my own that I love & enjoy.
Go get that new hair do, get a mani/pedi, visit a spa, buy that sexy lingerie, join a gym and do a cycling class or kick boxing, go to a nice cafe and read a good book. There are so many things you can do so take that time for self care.