Need advice on DH - who is on my LAST NERVE!
Let's just start with this week. His ex harrasses me (sending 178 awful texts), he says NOTHING to her about. He has two kids with her SD10 & SD8. She calls insurance pretending to be me, to get medical info on my son w' DH. What does he do after I'm ready to beat people to death- NOTHING! Huge surprise, not even a back off, stop with the BS. Everything is always "I do it for my girl", "I miss my kids" (so he stays out late - that happened once and he was near inches from death if he opened his mouth again. "You hate my kids" blah blah blah. I do not hate his kids- however he pushes me to bc when they are here it is like we have two seperate families. I have tried everything to get along with SD10 but she is evil, baby talking, mindgames brat!
DH and my BS7 converstaions ONLY consist of what my son is doing wrong, to go in other room, listen, stop doing this or that. I'm fed up when his lil princesses are here they NEVER get yelled at (granted the not seeing each other much) but I will be damned if you yell at BS7 for talking to loud and when SD10 screams, hits, and is down right disrespectful to me you do nothing! TREAT THEM EQUAL! Idk why I wish this with happen he can't even SD10,SD8,BS2 equal the 10 yr old gets EVERYTHING attention nonstop , which gets all the other kids sad. If I am sitting near DH she will sit in his lap or between us and try as hard as she can not to touch me. SHE Is 10 to me that is just to old to be sitting in your daddies lap! If our youngest son is playing with DH the SD10 will move son out of way and say in a 1 yr old voice myyy daaadddyyy. UGH it is so embarrasing to have people over or even some of my family just with the baby voice. DH just refuses to correct her.
We are military so many is very tight. We pay bills, CS, and dont have much for going out what not. I understand when SDs are in town we should do something fun. But we are responsible for picking and dropping them off 8 hrs away. ((thats alot of money right there)) He has them a toy waiting when they get in the car ((if BS7 or our son together SB2 dont get gifts in car, DO NOT GIVE THEM TO THE GIRLS. The boys dont understand that and it is not fair. They get to go to store and pick out whatever toy they want, constantly bored and wanting to go somewhere that cost money which DH gives into. WHY do I have to be the one saying UMMM sherlock BILLS take top over toys and FOOD In fridge over eating out. Of course Im evil SM for saying this but sorry I'd much rather have the basics and not be put neg in bank for this! When it comes to birthdays I usually spend 3 months preparing for boys so i can afford everything. Yet SDs get a new DS and game EVERY birthday. While BS7 and son2 dont get near anything that expenisve (thank god my mom spoils my boys or they'd be screwed) This past birthday of both SD's he was signing birthday card to mail off I figured he would ask me to sign but NOPE he sealed it up and I was really hurt by that. He IS the one causing this resentment not me!
Now just on to DH - we had a huge blow out fight few months ago. One of his comebacks was "I only golf once a week - I need me time too" .... Ok so last fri till today he has golfed 5 times. We decided I won't go bk to work bc of daycare cost, So I am a STAHM, I do babysit on occasion for extra cash and recieve CS for BS7. (but CS goes to sons needs before anything else) I NEVER get anything for me, I NEVER get alone time, NEVER GET help! His thing is well I work...well dumba** what do you think I do ALL day I raise kids - clean- hmwk- reclean 7 more times thanks to 2yr old, cook 3 meals a day. My job doesnt stop - i dont get to clock out and go home and rest or go to a spa (he says golf is relaxing) for relaxation. I get to run on zero sleep somedays. I dont get paid, no vacations, and maybe a sentence or two converstations with an adult. Im tired of the get a job (Id love too work but with cost of daycare and afterschool it would be pointless right now) yet his ex didnt work a day in their 7 yr marriage had no ged no college. I graduated both and logically playing all or most money earned for childcare when i could raise them is not happening! He has missed every dr appt I have asked him to go to for our son2 bc ex needed him to handle something for SD10 EVERYTIME! yet Im just jealous bc hes doing shit for his girls. NO dipstick Im pissed bc I am perfectly capable of doing all those insurance stuff for boys shes needing you to do for sd10 TELL HER TO DO IT!! Im pissed because you are doing shit she is capable of doing and missing something for OUR son. I just stopped asking him to go its pointless. HE needs a damn backbone. Idk if this is normal behavior but idk if im made for this blended family. I am trying and have dealt with some much. But Im not a walking mat for him to just run all over.
You are being harassed by BM.
You are being harassed by BM. Document, file reports to the police. Even if DH isn't going to protect you, you need to protect yourself.
Huge Hipaa violations here with her calling about your insurance and son. The problem here is that BM has never felt your wrath. Time to rain down.
As far as DH, make plans at the last minute and leave. He can't just leave the kids home alone. He'll stay with them. When you get home tell him you need "me" time too.
Why is he telling you to get a job if you both agreed you'd stay home.
I did file harrassment but bc
I did file harrassment but bc we are both in different states it will make it difficult i was told. I was still furious ab insurance, she has even changed hubs addy in deers 3x. I was going to press charges for that and for identity theft (i was told her pretending to be me calling insurance was considered that) But DH said no that will just make things harder for my girls. HONESTLY who fn cares She is fn with my sons medical information and that is 100% not ok. She has seen my wrath and she just doesnt care at all. She uses kids as pawns , talks bad ab me to them, and is beyond fn crazy. I'm sorry if YOUR girls and their mother is making my life beyond stressful and my kids lacking bc of it. I was from divorced parents and I have used that as a way to understand things better but my parents didnt do this to me. And I wasnt a easy step child but both my parents made sure I understood I may not like or agree with step parents but I WILL respect them and follow rules bc they are my elders and were apart of the family. But DH just does the You hate me kids bs.
I have no clue why he all of the sudden does the you need a job remarks. I mean yes I would love extra money and do have nice things. But we have Kids, Bills, and other more important things than having the stuff we want and dont need. I know i hold resent for him bc she didnt work, he said they spent every weekend together , she always had new stuff or whatever she wanted. And knowing that also knowing I get none of the above does hurt I am not going to admit that to him though bc i'd just be crazy. I have said the I need a break - i get the well i work all day or ive just been so grumpy lately bc work, money, and missing my girls. Well you know what you have a wife and step son and bs that miss you! And money dont golf 5x in one week thats 4 hours of each golfing costing ab 22 each trip. HOW is that FAIR?! Im so tired of being put last and I feel he is putting me last. On one trip my BS7 was with his father and I had just had our son 2 and we left him with DH mother while we took girls to amusement park. Ill admit i was hormonal and sad I didnt have my boys (bc they never get to do anything unless we are with my mother and she pays- which makes me feel pretty bad) well I was just along for the ride and out of no where DH says whats wrong your acting like a 4th wheel. WTF seriously rest of trip i then just was just that a 4th wheel by my own intentions. He couldnt understand why i was soo upset.
Does it ever get any easier bc i find myself praying for the day they turn 18 so maybe my kids and myself will finally have some of him. It makes me try that much harder for boys to have everything they need. I just dont want my marriage to fail and I feel like it will if I'm the only that is ever trying and feel like its me boys and DH as one family and SDs DH and the ex as another. I just want him to seperate the two a bit and freaking tell her NO to do stuff herself. he has no problem standing up to me but huge issues for standing up for me. UGHHHH i def respect step parents more for dealing with this and not smack my face on several occasions when i know i deserved it lol
No one else is going to put
No one else is going to put you first. You need to do it.
"But DH said no that will just make things harder for my girls."
Response: And how's that my concern? I need to protect myself and my son, DH. Do what you need to, I'm filing charges.
Seems you have hit your limit. Now is the time to take advantage of that anger and take action
I don't know about the other
I don't know about the other stuff, you CAN contact your insurance company directly and explain the gist of the situation and ask them if they can put password protection on the account, something above and beyond SSNs. They can annotate the file, it's not a big deal.
Alternatively, go paperless, absolutely, completely paperless and flat out tell the company to release no information over the phone unless it's to a verified doctor's office.
Messing with HIPPA laws potentially puts a lot of tails into a federal sling. Not only could she get in trouble for fishing for this information, they could get in trouble for not having sufficient security measures in place to prevent the information from being released to her.
Listen to what alwaysanxious said, you must do what you must to protect yourself and your child, first, above the skids, especially if DH is playing favorites.
Seems to me your DH does walk
Seems to me your DH does walk all over him, and sadly although you have tried reasoning with him over his attitude and behaviour you are letting him do this by enabling him and putting up with it.
Your conversations with him and getting nowhere, all it does is allow him the opportunity to throw accusations at you, wallow in self pity and stone wall you. So quit pleading, crying, getting angry and instead harden your heart and realise the only way things will change, is if you change how you manage him/his decisions and how you react/manage how everything impacts on you and your children.
So DH only bothers to say negative things to your BS? Tell DH he is picking on your son and say so loudly, if DH is being unfair then stop him and to hell with the consequences. Also time to stand up for yourself when sd10 acts up - if shes rude tell her loudly what you think and all within DH's hearing (even better if someone else is around because hopefully it will embarass her into stopping or else it will show others you arent enabling her to act like a brat like DH). If SD10 does the "my daddy" routine to your BS2 tell her to stop being so childish - remind her shes TEN and stop talking like your two year old. If DH decides to go beserko over this and says something like "you hate sd10", tell him once and calmly before walking away from him and not engaging any further "no I hate her behaviour and your crappy parenting..." and leave it at that. DO NOT GET INTO AN ARGUMENT as all that will do is upset you, your justifications and reasonings will only give him an opportunity to hurt you with his unjust accusations so dont let him or at the least dont listen/engage - you have this choice to walk away and let him deal with sd10 who may cry from shock from being told to act decently!
Dont invite DH to any more appointments, take your mother for support and dont bother letting him know whats going on. He earns that right when he shows he is a capable and fair parent to your child too. His loss.
BM is harassing you? Even if she is in a different state, pursue this, she deserves punishment. If shes interfering with your BS's medical info and pretending to be you, again prosecute her - she could do this with anything if she thinks she can get away with it. Your response to DH's MANGINA statement that it will cause problems for his girls - "well BM should have been thinking of your girls when she broke the law then. Perhaps you need reminding I AM YOUR WIFE, not her. Oh and I reserve the right to protect me and my children seeing as my husband and their father refuses to do so and only thinks about three quarters of his kids..." then walk away. BM does this again, then pursue it again and again. To hell with anyone else.
Your DH is going golfing? Well make plans when hes out with friends and family to look after the kids and go out - dont bother telling him. Alternatively when your babysitters cant help out, dump them on DH and take off. If he shouts and yells, let him carry on. Just ignore him. Tell him once "you have time for yourself. Fair enough. I need time for myself and seeing as you dont seem to care enough for me to support that, like I support your interest in golf then I need to prioritise me time." Then walk away again.
Completely disengage from sd10, if she is misbehaving then let DH manage her, do PU/DO, do all the housework for her.
If DH takes sd's to pick out a toy, then take the boys too. Dont say anything to any of them but when you get there tell the boys in front of DH& sd's "daddy has said you can choose whatever toy you want, he also said that from now on when he gets the sd's a toy you get one too. Off you go..." shoo them off before DH can say anything, but if he does then tell DH HE is the one who has to explain to the boys why he doesnt want to buy them anything yet the girls get something.
If DH makes disparaging remarks about finding a job remind him loudly and coldly, you have a job and doesnt he remember that was something HE agreed to - unless he has a better suggestion. I would also not care and remind him of the deadbeat his ex was and how he put up with that shit, yet he treats you like a frigging maid.
Oh and I would be a cold hearted cow when it came to BM, so no more Mrs Nice person. She phones your house, slam the phone down and change your number. Block her. Dont tell DH. When he complains, tell him calmly what you have done and why. Dont feel guilty or mad - this man and woman are bullying you and you have every right to have peace and security in your life - regardless if there are skids. BM makes her choices so she has to live with the outcome, you closing her down even if that means she makes DH's life difficult. He had the chance to manage things better, but he refused instead he left you to be harassed and hurt. What type of husband does that? Well time for his wife to put her wellbeing first and instead let him deal with the life you have had to contend with - oh and tell him that "hard isnt it, well this is what I have had to deal with and you told me to put up and shut up. Well I am telling you this now. Not my problem. Your ex, your children, your problem..." then walk away.
Anyway you can think of a way to make things easier, less stressful then do it. As it is, by doing nothing you are enabling the way DH behaves and the girls. Oh and if you think at 18 this will stop, it wont, next it will be cars, college, marriage, holidays, expensive clothes, GRANDCHILDREN. Then DH will be using the grandkids as an excuse to let BM act like a mad rabid dog on heat and his dependant daddy's princess to get everything she wants - perhaps even moving in with their babies!! Time to make a stand - you have nothing to lose except your marriage, which sounds like is sinking anyway because of how your DH acts!!!
You never know you may inspire DH to change to make his life easier and even better get into marital counselling, which I strongly urge you to try and get him to partake in!
As a guy, from my
As a guy, from my perspective, it sounds like DH needs to man up. Nobody would get away with treating my wife like that, let alone my son. He needs to read some John Eldridge and watch some John Wayne.
In case that didn't sound
In case that didn't sound like advice, my advice would be to tell him men on the internet say he needs to man up.
I wish I had family closer,
I wish I had family closer, DH is military so we are 8hrs from closest family. Most of close friends moved to new duty stations...so bk to starting fresh lol. Im hoping we move far away since he decided to re up. If we have extra money each month I'm the put it away for emergency type. Which baffles my mother since I was born with a golden spoon that I manage to adjust so well to having little lol. Im just realistic. I think a lot of my walking on eggshells with the DH and SDs is it'll ruin marriage is I just sit back and scream SD10 had cancer lived through it GET THE F OVER IT!! Most of my issues are with her. I am mostly resentful with her and I feel extremely guilty for that. I am just left picking up SD8 with the "daddy does everything with SD10 everyone likes her more, I hate her" and that breaks my heart bc I feel same way. I try to be understanding bc I was the ages they were with divorced parents and new SP. But maybe I am just living in a fake world thinking kids should regardless of time with DH all be treated equal Ex: you take one out alone - you will take all out alone sep for same amount of time. I (as much as i hate it at times) do when SDs are in town try to have one on one with me and each of kids. I have tried explaining to oldest SD i know the games and i mastered the games long before your parents even met. As much as you wish for it they will not get back together. And causing problems is only going to hurt you in long run. The SD8 has told me in our alone times she feels bad for liking me bc she shouldnt how her mom calls me a evil witch along with other lovely names. And that I am only one who ever does the things she likes to do (as much as some of the movies she picks make me want to stick screwdrivers in my ears lol.)Good to know it doesnt end at 18 - lol my dad should have got that memo bc on my 18th bday I recieved a card saying "happy bday hun tell mom this is last CS chk" HAHAHA that was the last card i got from him.
I do plan on following trough with deers on pressing charges with the insurance bc she needs to know that is illegal..which I still have POW on DH due to deployments so I will also be adding the her opening of his mail when she changed his addy with insurance. I told him if its ab his sweet princesses not to worry bc with her in jail we get them and I'd be raising two more kids with no help! So he knows I am going to this appt next week- how he feels about that who knows and I honestly dont care.
We do need counseling which I have told him ab on several occasions. He has huge issues with talking about what is bothering him or if there are any problems talking to me about it. Which causes enough issues with communitcation as is. I just dont want his ex to continue with her behavior. I also want him to step up and realize Im not raising my boys to have it thrown away when the girls are with us! They dont talk back but they try to get away with little things they normally wouldnt. My children know better than to talk back to me or to not eat what i cook for dinner. I want my children to realize life isn't any way you want it. It's hard, you work if you want something, no matter who the adult is you respect them its yes ma'am and sir. If you have a problem with someone you talking with them about that problem no screaming fits. I may be strict but My brothers are less than upstanding people. I refuse to let my children get away with what all my brothers and I did. I just somehow missed thier way with booze and drugs and turned out good.
Thank you for the advice i am taking it all in even the parts that I myself need to change:) But right now im humming the song LEAD ME by SANCTUS(?) thats the perfect DH/Dad song that all men should listen too - if only my DH ears worked haha