I love my step daughter...how do we help her?!
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My stepdaughter has all of a sudden started throwing huge fits when she has to come to our house. She cries and stays upset for the first 12-24 hours while at our house. She is dealing with a host of problems but they are all issues that we have been facing for a while....but this is very new behavior and my husband and I are trying to understand why. We have sat down with her and tried to find out what is causing her to feel this way and she just cries and says she doesn't know why. She is only 7 years old and I know that communicating her feelings can be difficult...but we don't know what to do. Her home situation with her BM is difficult at times but we don't want to assume that it's always the BM's fault.
Any ideas??!?
Her mother has been telling
Her mother has been telling her that she would do anything to keep her from having to see us...but then she will turn right around and call my husband and ask him to come and get my SD because she is busy or has plans.
Her mother has also made it perfectly clear that she hates both my SD's father and me....
I just really don't know what we can do to help my SD. I hate that she is so unhappy with us that she just cries the whole time she is with us.
For a while she claimed that she was sad because her stepdad at her BM's house moved out....but it has been almost a year since that happened.
Sounds like PAS has started.
Sounds like PAS has started. Good luck, because once it is done, it is really hard to undo it...
PAS???! Sorry I'm new to all
PAS???! Sorry I'm new to all the abbreviated lingo.
Parental alienating syndrome.
Parental alienating syndrome. nasty thing a parent can do to their kid. My bm tried it but the boys saw threw her and she has given up but not before this year really. It has been 9 years since they divorced. Girls are way more susceptible to it then boys. Basically it is one parent usually then bm telling kid that they are the only ones that they can depend on and how awful dad is. Dad is nothing to them but a wallet and so on.
thanks for the explanation!
thanks for the explanation! I know that her BM talks badly about us at times...but it's nothing new. I guess my SD is just getting older and it is effecting her differently. Her dad and I really try to be involved as much as we can, school trips, christmas programs, graudations...etc. It's not like we are just the "weekend family" as her BM likes to treat us....but my SD has even said that she never wants to see us again. It's hard to know what to do.
We went through this with my
We went through this with my SD at the EXACT same age. She is now 11 and is since doing well in our home but it was hell at the time. After taking her to a counselor we finally figured out that she was upset because she was afraid BM, who was still single, would not be able to take care of her house without SD's assistance. She also told the therapist that she was afraid that BM was lonely and that "no one would ever love her". I'm not sure what issues are keeping your SD from being happy in your home but I think a counseling session or two wouldn't hurt. They have a way of getting kids to communicate things that they are afraid to say to us.
We have tried to get SD into
We have tried to get SD into counselling and her BM filed a restraining order on us. We called her and confirmed that we were making an appointment and everything was fine and then all of a sudden we are hit with a restraining order the day before the counselling appointment. My SD has a lot of issues (bed wetting, lying, etc.) and her BF and I believe that she would benefit from counselling and we were ready and willing to have her BM involved as well. We have broached the subject again and she is acting like she is on board...but we are afraid that she will file another restraining order against us.
Our SD did make these same comments about needing to take care of her mommy and that her BM claimed to be lonely (and started having SD sleep in BM's bed with her after the stepdad moved out) but it's been a while since she made those comments.
I cant believe a judge would
I cant believe a judge would even grant a restraining order...what have you done to warrant one?!
I really feel for you and would not go back to that time in our lives for anything in the world. Besides taking SD to counseling we just laid down the law with BM and told her that she would be in contempt and we WOULD take her to court if she kept the kids from us. Fortunately her desire to stay out of jail worked in our favor and after a few months things started to get better. Best of luck to your family!
We live in a conservative
We live in a conservative county where the BM can do no wrong. She admitted in court, to the judge that she was using drugs around my SD. The judge did nothing and didn't even have her do follow up drug testing or anything. Basically the BM thinks that she is untouchable.
thanks for the luck. We need it!
You love your step daughter?
You love your step daughter? I don't hear that much on this site. Please, take my stepson!!! He is available. Even his own mother can stand him and uses every excuse in the world to drop him on my doorstep....and that's when she is feeling generous. Half the time she is too lazy to drive to our house so she makes us drive to this gas station to dump him on us there. How classy! Pump your gas and dump your kid. Mother of the year.
Check your state laws, most
Check your state laws, most NCP can't seek the counseling for a noncustodial child. HOWEVER, see if you can do "family" counseling! Since there is something effecting your whole family. IT does sound that this child is in conflict.
We mentioned the need for
We mentioned the need for counseling to the BM and now she just wants her daughter to be on meds. She doesn't want to deal with any problems...just push them under the rug. That is why at 7 my SD will wets the bed and cries all the time. Her BM refuses to talk to her daughter about her problems. I think medication will make the situation so much worse because it teaches my SD that she doesn't have to deal with anything. We are going to look into family counseling. Thanks for the input!