Part Vent, and Part Need Help/Advice
Where to begin... I am new to this forum, or even going out to reach for help, and vent. Please excuse my ignorance since I do not know what a lot of the acronyms mean. However, I will do my best to learn them. Please correct me if I've used the acronyms wrong.
A little background: I am married to my darling husband (DH) for 2 year now. He has two exwives, and he has a daughter with each of them. My DH and the first exwife, Bowl Movement (BM1) has a daughter, so my stepdaughter (SD1) age 11. The second exwife (BM2)with my SD2 age 2.
According to my DH, while he was married to BM2, she could not stand BM1, they just loathed each other. BM2 never spent time with SD1 only for one time and all she did was complain that they had to take care of her for 3 days, and thought of her as a rude daughter always wanting DH's time. Their plans were to move to CA to be closer to SD1 but BM2 did not want to move or anything to do with SD1, though all along it was their plan to be with SD1 before they even got married.
Since my DH has moved on and divorced BM2, BM1 and BM2 are now best of buds. BM1 and BM2 are letting their daughters talk, which I think is great for the most part, so the girls will get to know their half sister. But now all of a sudden BM2 wants to be part of SD1's life? She didn't really want to do anything with her in the first place while DH and her were married.
My SD1 and I have a good relationship for the most part. Its hard to maintain any communication with her though, since the only way I can get a hold of my SD1 is through BM1's cell who doesn't always answer the phone or just tells me that SD1 is busy playing. I would want my DH to have a good solid relationship with his daughter first, before i start to build a solid one as well. Do you think this is the right way of doing things? I just don't want to go in between anything with my DH and SD1, but yet at the same time I want to have a relationship with her too. I don't want SD1 to feel that she has to fight for her dad's attention when I'm around or my kids (her half brothers), so I let my DH and SD1 have time together whenever they can.
BM1 tells my DH that he and my SD1 have a communication problem, and that they should see a therapist. Great idea, and so my husband set it all up and they (DH and SD1) were going on a regular basis, every week! After 3 months of routine visits, and SD1 opening up and communicating well with DH, BM1 just stops all meetings with the therapist between SD1 and DH. The therapist mentioned that BM1 gave no reason to why BM1 wanted it all to stop. I can only speculate that BM1 may feel threatened with DH's and his daughter's relationship.
So a little venting here just because it gets on my nervous and i know I should not show any emotion towards it... My SD1 has a fb account and on there you can have it showing who is your family.. well my SD1 indicates that she has two dads, which she does her stepdad and my DH. SD1 also indicates that BM1 and myself are her mothers, but just yesterday... BM2 is now showing as a mother as well!! What the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!!! I feel that now SD1's mind is being played with... why would you do that to a girl who now thinks that she has 3 moms!?!?!?
Now for some advice... What can I do? I know not to show emotion and that's why I'm here to vent and let that emotion out? Should I be humble and talk to BM1 and be honest and just say Hey, look.. I really want to have a relationship with your daughter. I've stepped back so DH and his daughter can have a relationship but we are a family, and SD1 is part of my life... Should I say something to that affect?
I'd like to have a relationship with SD2 but BM2 is out of state, and will not let me see SD2 at all. She will not let my DH take SD2 out of the house as well. So I have to bite my tongue, especially if that's the way DH can have a relationship with SD2. The court orders are so vague, not detailed enough that he can't do much but only with him and BM2 agreeing on things, and still she would turn around and change them last minute... How do you sparents handle this? Any help would be great.. thank you! Sorry if this ended up way to long and all over the place.. longer than i expected!
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this. As others on this site have encouraged me I will say you must,find a way not to let it get to you. It will eat you alive.
Relax about the relationships. They will come in time. It just takes time, years and even then it may not be what you expect.
My smom has been in my life for 31 years and it only now seems we are getting a true mother/daughter relationship. And I didn't have anyone bad mouthing her to me or sabotaging our relationship.
If the bio mom in your life is willing to hear you then tell her, if not let time do the trick.
I would advise that you get a more detailed visitation schedule in place with the kids.
Having to work with a BM who has no interest in working with you is a nightmare and one you don't want to have to deal with for another 18 years!
I wish you the best.
Thank you Asheeha, it helps a
Thank you Asheeha, it helps a lot to hear from someone like you on your side of things. I'll give it time, and hope that it all pans out. It does get a bit discouraging with BMs.
Anytime. A SM must be full of
Anytime. A SM must be full of patience, long-suffering, and having the long range goal in mind at all times.
Thank God Step Talk is here when we just need a break and to release our frustrations.
I have a crazy BM/ExW to deal with and I completely understand how discouraging it can be. But if you focus on the kids instead of the BMs and really care about them, that is what will speak to their heart in the end.
Sending good thoughts your way!
There's a lot going on there,
There's a lot going on there, and not much that I can help with, except maybe.......try and stay out of Facebook! More pain, rejection, frustration, anger lies come out of Facebook than I would have ever thought. My SD was never friends with me on FB , but I could read some of the stuff because she was friends with my D. She never wrote anything bad about me there, but it still hurt how she excluded us from her never ending list of family. I talked to her about something else she wrote on there, which resulted in her unfriending my daughter.."thanks mom.."
I would rather not know stuff like that. FB has brought even more bullsh in our lives that we did not need.
Hey Stepfamilyfriend, after
Hey Stepfamilyfriend, after reading your post and other, I've stayed away from viewing my SD's FB now. No need to look at it or even feel like BM2's attempt to getting some kind of emotional rise out of me. I figured she saw me as a Mother on my SD's FB that she would want to get in on that too. Even if BM2 use to be SM to my SD1, she is an exSM. Frustrating to think about it especially since she (BM2) didn't want anything to do with SD1! So, I'll avoid it..
ps.. I found your post
so I didn't delete it
Could not agree more! I
Could not agree more! I monitor the skids' internet posting because FH forgets and we have had issues with inappropriate posting so someone has to. However, it is not fun. I am looking into getting one of those "net nanny" programs but I don't know if it will be sufficient.
Hi Ripley, Thanks for your
Hi Ripley, Thanks for your response. Believe me there are soooo many times where I have bitten my tongue with BM1. BM1 has kept pulling SM out of activities that BM1 and DH had agreed to. I guess she didn't like the fact that DH was there being active in his daughter's life. I usually let that be between BM1 and DH, no need for me to add to it. Like you said "fake peace" That is a great way of looking at it.
BM2 is strange. Their court papers are so vague! His lawyer sucked big time. First of all, the case is out of state, so that doesn't help my DH. As an example, this Labor Day weekend he gets to spend time with SD2, but in the paperwork no mention of time, where, and when.. just that weekend he can spend time with her. It doesn't mention that he can take her out for a certain period of time. BM2 played him, telling him that they can work out a schedule, but of course not sticking with it when they agree. I told DH get a better lawyer and take all this back to court!
You're absolutely right about BM1 and BM2's relationship. I've got to find a way to just turn that off! Its just sad.. they hate each other then they are now besties and are each other's support. Go figure.
THanks again for you're help and advice!!!!