Merry Christmas, DH
I'll start by saying I don't know what's in DH's divorce decree about Christmas so right now I can't answer questions about that. I plan to look at it when I'm at his house Wednesday.
As far as I know, for the past several years, BM and DH have split Christmas Day with the kids. The kids wake up and do presents with the parent whose week it is and then go to the other parent's house for a while.
This past Tuesday, DH got a text from BM saying she'd been trying to message him but the messages weren't going through. I guess she has no other way of reaching him? She wanted to let him know the kids wouldn't be coming Christmas Day because they were going to her mother's house. After some back and forth, BM agreed to let the kids come for lunch.
Then it snowed a little early Christmas morning. BM and DH live about 15 minutes apart but they're in the mountains so accumulation can vary between the houses. BM claimed she couldn't bring the kids because her long, steep driveway was all ice. She drives a big ass truck but claims the tires are bad. Whatever.
DH got up super early in the morning and was baking and planning the meal he was making for the kids. Oh, he also totally cleaned his house and had the tree done up with all the packages and the mantle with stockings and garland and lights. It was really so beautiful and, honestly, I envy how domestic he is. He also took great care in picking out the kids' presents because he didn't have a ton of money since he's unemployed but working a fair number of freelance jobs.
Of course the kids never showed at all Christmas Day. Or the day after. BM kept claiming the ice was too bad for her to get out even though their son got to work in his little Ford Fusion. She claimed the road up to DH's was too treacherous. Then she said the kids could come from Sunday to the following Sunday because she's having surgery sometime this week. I guess DH was ok with this.
SD1, who is 13 and I think enmeshed with BM, apparently hated most of her presents. Then she wanted to go back to BM's and when DH told her no, it's her time with him, she threw a fit. At some point, she told him according to the divorce papers, it's her time with BM.
I didn't get a lot of information from DH because he was really down about her behavior but I think SD1's remark about the divorce decree is really troubling. She shouldn't know too much about it, IMHO.
On the bright side, SD2 loved all of her presents and was quite happy. I'm pretty aghast at a kid telling her parent she hates any present! I mean, it was a lean year here for my four kids and they didn't say one negative thing. My 14 year old even told me he understands how hard things are with the pandemic. The only thing that saved my bacon was saving for Christmas all year long, since I also lost my full time job and am now freelancing 100%.
DH is going to talk to SD1 and tell her that the parenting time was set by the judge so the girls have equal time with both parents, which is the best for them. He's already told SD1 that there will be no more of this staying extra with mom and SD1 keeps pushing it so maybe knowing a judge wouldn't be happy with deviating from the set schedule will help. I don't know what else to do with her.
I'm afraid we've been seeing alienation sneaking up and it's going to get worse. I feel really awful for DH because he was the primary caretaker for the kids until about 6 years ago.
No real advice needed...this is more of a sad vent. I feel for DH and hate seeing him so sad when he tried to give the kids a good Christmas and I hate seeing SD1 possibly being manipulated by SM.
Next time DH should go get
Next time DH should go get them himself. Go see whether or not her driveway is icy and take pictures. Then demand to get them for his time (if indeed it is his time). If it was BM's day, don't ask her for favors of extra time.
BM used to do this to DH whenever she could, and it was painful. But he learned not to ask her for extra time or accept any that she offered.
You’re right...
And I'm going to tell him this!
The biggest reason he didn't do it is because he has a super shitty 15 year old minivan that really does suck on snow and ice. He's going to have to suck it up and try though. The weather has never been an issue before and they've lived in this area for 8 or 9 years.
I'll have him put chains on the tires if necessary.
Snow tires alone would do the
Snow tires alone would do the trick. Expensive, but worth it for general safety.
Don't allow BM to be in control of whether or not he sees his kid - that's a recipe for disaster. It works best if the person getting the kid picks them up, to avoid these kinds of games.
Now, my DH did all of this stuff and his son ended up alienated for over 3 years anyway - but at least he didn't just let BM pull these tricks on him and take it lying down.
Snow tires would probably be overkill...
Because it doesn't snow often where he is and the van is a lease. He was hit last year and his prior van (which was old but paid off) was totaled. It's a long story but basically we had to get him a vehicle fast so he could get to work and drive the kids to school so this was the best option. It's a POS so I doubt he'd be willing to put $800 into snow tires when there are so many other bills to be paid and with his only having enough income right now to take care of necessities, I'd be taking the $$ out of my savings. I'd do it if snow were really an issue!
I do know that the divorce papers say that whoever has the kids is responsible for transporting to the other parent and BM rarely does it. She didn't even bring the kids last evening. SS19 brought the girls over.
I have to give DH credit because he's been standing up to BM more and more. He was so beaten down by the stuff she'd done that he had no fight left but has been getting it back.
I'm sorry about your SS. This kind of stuff makes me so angry because it's just so awful for the kids and the alienated parent. My own DD, who is now 26, was alienated from me by her father and stepmother and hasn't spoken to me in over 8 years. It sucks all around.
Ugh, that sucks. My SS did
Ugh, that sucks. My SS did come back around when he was 18 and remains in our lives now at almost 21. But BM ruined him, honestly.
Looks like snow chains are legal in your state, so that's a good choice.
If he doesn't try to go get
If he doesn't try to go get them, it doesn't matter what the divorce decree says, it is not contempt. It is considered implied consent to BM's plan as he did not try to go get them.
We tried to "explain" to SD
We tried to "explain" to SD once custody changed to 50/50, how it wasn't DH or BMs decision. That they couldn't decide and that's why a judge had to decide for them and write papers. It's super specific. 5pm on Friday afternoons, Noon Christmas Day, etc.
Well, even after all of the explaining, SD still had a problem with it. Very much like BM, who has issues with authority and thinks rules do not apply to her. SD simply said "We we need to go back and ask for two weeks, then one week to make it more fair." I personally feel like no matter the approach DH takes, SD10 views him as the "bad guy" and blames him for ALL of her problems. Even if BM is the source. When it comes to her BM, there is zero reasoning with SD. She will defend her until the day she dies. BM has portrayed herself to SD in a almost "martyr" light that has "sacrificed sooo much" for her children and "works incredibly hard".
When DH tries to present SD with the facts (ex. she has a new BF, she wasn't working last weekend, she is not using her custody time, etc.) he ends up being the bad guy and SD views it has DH bashing BM.
When BM first texted you, I honestly would have redirected her when she said she hadn't heard back. I would have told her "I'll let DH know you're trying to reach him." And just leave it at that. I'm sure BM went RIGHT around and told the SKs how wonderful she is for trying to work with their SM. Only feeding into the SKs alleigence with the BM.
Its hard
Watching things unfold. I had to watch DH silently cry after a horrible phone call from SD21 Feral Forger. It truly sucks.
They dont get better over time, unless something really big happens. Hopefully SD will appreciate that her father is fighting for time with her...eventually.
Oh I know. DH was sad that
Oh I know. DH was sad that YSD went back to BM's for a full two weeks and he only saw her for 10 days. He was upset but refused to admit it. It stings more because it's what OSD used to do to him too. BM has no mercy if DH doesn't stick up for himself and the SDs don't seem to care about anything.