Is this "normal"?
Hi all -
I'm new here, and after this weekend I think I need more experienced help in managing the relationship with my SS15.
Background:
DH and I have been married for 2 months, together 2 years. DH has sole custody of SS since he was 10 or 11. Before that BM was abusive/neglectful and tried to get rid of him for years. SS has been in and out of trouble with the law for stealing.
I have 2 BD (15 and 12) that I share custody with their BF.
Since moving in with me he has behaved much better than I could have expected. A bit of trouble here and there - but nothing earth shattering and was easily managed by grounding him. So fast forward to this weekend.
SS was throwing a passive aggressive temper tantrum for many days (slamming doors, cabinets, heavy sighing, storming up/down stairs, rolling eyes etc). So I asked him what was bugging him - was it the girls? No. Is it me? yes (but he won't say why) is it your dad? kinda (again no reason)
so I work on him with probing questions "what did I do to anger you? Perhaps if we talk about it, I can either apologize or explain my reasons." FINALLY he tells me.
He's mad because his dad and I have sex.
I tried to explain to him that sex is perfectly normal and in fact an important part of a loving relationship between a husband and wife. And no, that is not going to change. No I'm not going to only have sex when you are sleeping - I don't need to clear my love life by you.
I'm angry that he thinks this is ANY of his business - but I'm also wondering if anyone else has dealt with this?
Perhaps if he was younger - I could see having a sex conversation, or if he was MY child him having concerns (my daughters are totally fine about my new husband and I)but it just seems really WRONG for a not quite 16 year old to be obsessing over my sexlife.
Help?
Did he hear you having sex?
Did he hear you having sex? Is that why he's being a turd?
I know my SDs heard me once or twice .. it was embarrasing at first but now I don't care. They can get over it. I try to be as quiet as possible !
I think you did the right thing. It's none of his business and you were open with him, wihch should help him get over himself.
He may have heard us - but it
He may have heard us - but it is unlikely. But he also seems to think that every time we are in our room with the door closed we are getting it on (oh if only I had the stamina for that!).
And I pointed out to him it isn't like he walked in on us while getting freaky in the kitchen or something.
I would just say that you and
I would just say that you and your husband's sex life is none of his business. Period. In this case, to engage him at all, saying that you will, won't , day, night, telling him anything at all is making it his business and that is what he is saying already. So a firm NO! Will not discuss this with you! If you have general question about sex, that is something your dad can discuss with you. I would keep the sentence as short as you possibly can; making the tone of your voice help you in making this categorical. Done!
WEll, there is nothing easy
WEll, there is nothing easy to explain about the testerone of a 16 year old male. They are angry and don't even know about it. I have 2 sons and that anger thing was so difficult. They grow out of it, but it can be tough. I would thank him for being honest and encourage him to stay open minded and find different ways to handle his anger. He is probably jeolous. Hard to be too harsh here cause it sounds like you guys communicate.
With any other subject I
With any other subject I would agree that keeping lines of communication open is very important, but in the case of your personal sexual relationship, I would make it as clear as possible right away that it will not be discussed with him. Dad can talk about sex with him, but the moment he tries to make it about the two of you, dad should just say no. Most teens do not want to even think about either of their parents having sex, and him making it his business should be stopped. In my opinion, of course.
Ah, my PITA SD told her dad
Ah, my PITA SD told her dad (when she was 14-16) that he was "not allowed" to hold my hand or kiss me when she was around. She said it made her feel "weird." Um, we're MARRIED.
This is the SD who had no problem canoodling with her BF in the backseat with dad and I in the front.
She didn't get far with her demand. Her dad was nicer about it...I told her to get over it. }:)
Good grief. Kids caught up on
Good grief. Kids caught up on something like this need to stop minding other people's business with such interest, and MIND THEIR OWN with the same level of concern - and that's just what they need to be told.
My FH oldest son (I didn't
My FH oldest son (I didn't live with him long enough nor did I help raise him to consider him my SS like I do SD15stb16 and SS14) overheard us having sex. He TOLD his dad about it and teased him! Ugh.
He also overheard his aunt and uncle doing it and listened in on them and told his dad about it. Gross!
By the way, he must have been 19 when he overheard us and he was 23 when he overheard/listened in on his aunt and uncle.
No that is NOT normal, whats
No that is NOT normal, whats with these skids? Doesn't he think his dad has sex? wth? Sounds to me he just wants to use that as an excuse to not like you and make you feel guilty for something, Good for you for not taking his guilt trip and not letting him call the shots.
It's normal for teens to be
It's normal for teens to be bothered by hearing/knowing when their parents(bio or step) are having sex.
May be normal to be bothered
:? May be normal to be bothered but the passive aggressive fit for days...not normal!
I remember hearing my mom and
I remember hearing my mom and her boyfriend going at it a couple of times. It was definitely an "EWWWW" :O moment, but I sure didn't obsess about it - nor did I SAY something about it.
hmmm well at least u guys are
hmmm well at least u guys are having sex must be nice ,me and ss mom cant stop fighting over ss long enough to even think about sex,sounds like this kid is jealous because hes not gettin none from his gf or something so he doesnt expect anybody else to get any,and he probably will be that way until he has sex!!!
I jokingly suggested to DH
I jokingly suggested to DH that we could tell SS that we will stop having sex when he's not sleeping - when he stops masturbating every waking moment.
I've got an evil sense of humor. }:)
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your comments - it is reassuring to know that I am not alone.
AND just an update - he's continuing his passive aggressive temper tantrum without slamming stuff, I've been on the receiving end of The Silent Treatment for 3 days now. Dare I say I'm actually enjoying it?