How do you do it?
My SD11 obviously says things just to get a rise out of me. That is her entertainment for the day. We have custody and have her 24/7...so I never get a break.
For example: We were watching Extreme Couponing and my mom was there and we were talking about how all the time invested in couponing probably isn't worth getting cheap food. SD says "but it would be nice to have food whenever you want it." As she is eating a bag of chips I bought. So I said "Don't you get food whenever you want it?" and she of course said "no, there is no food in this house." There are Little Debbie snacks in the cabinet, lunch meat, cheese, vegetables, fruit, hot pockets, cereal, cans of ravioli she loves, etc.
I was so angry the little brat could sit there, eating chips I bought, and make that comment. Before her mom gave her to us, we would pick her up at 5 PM and she would say she had only eaten a bowl of cereal all day. And now that she is well fed, she makes that comment. 
So how do you do it? How do you sit there and not let the nasty, bratty remarks get to you? I know I need to ignore her, but I feel that means she gets away with being a brat.
HELP! She is playing me for a fool.
Not related, but additional info on why she drives me crazy, she follows no rules and just got her grounding extended for opening a facebook page (she isn't allowed to have) and blocking her dad and I so we wouldn't know and wouldn't see the slutty photos she uploaded. I asked if she would start obeying our rules and she responded "I don't know".
What you said is exactly what
What you said is exactly what I have been trying. She seriously laughs inside when I do that. She LOVES upsetting me and knows when I take actions like that, that she got to me. She doesn't care what her punishment is because it is always worth the reaction she got from me. It does make me feel a wee bit better to get to use my authority and punish her...but she still wins because she did it to get a rise out of me...and she got a rise out of me. So now I need to try something else...
So disengaging actually does
So disengaging actually does work? Hearing it works may be enough to try it...it is going to be SO hard though. But I know it has to be done.
I disengaged to and it did
I disengaged to and it did WONDERS. It's not just about ignoring the child. It's about not doing for the child anything you do not want to do. Not dealing with behavior that you don't want to deal with. So when my SD10 does something, I direct it to DH, if she wants something I direct her to DH. This weekend it was so hot and humid and she wanted the pool out, I said go talk to your dad. She asked him and he didn't want to pull it out so he got out the sprinkler. After awhile I look out the window and ask him why he is watering the yard (we just had massive rainfall the night before). He said he isn't, looks out the window and SD is nowhere in sight. So he goes and finds her and chews her butt for only being in the sprinkler for a few minutes after he hauled it out and then leaving it run when she was done. I sat back and smiled.
Also this weekend I went to run errands and one was the grocery store. She called me while I was out and said she was hungry and wanted to know when I would be back to make lunch. I told her to go ask her dad for lunch. She HATES when he makes a meal. LOL, I tell ya what after him making a few meals (and BM never cooks a meal) she really does appreciate ever thing I make.
In the cirucmstance you said above, I would have told SD, that's to bad there is no food she likes - she should go ask her dad to take her to the store to pick up some.
When I first started doing this, I thought "whatever, DH will just jump and do what she wants or won't get after her about anything." And that may have been the case at first, but boy after awhile it changed. DH gets after SD all the time now. One time SD called at 9 at night becuase she forgot something at our house and wanted us to run it over. I handed the phone to DH. He flat out told her that he doesn't have to drop everything to accomodate her. It takes me out of the picture of being the bad guy and it sure does more to set her straight hearing it from her dad than the evil SM. Plus my relationship with SD has improved greatly since making the change.
My wonderful SD14 is just
My wonderful }:) SD14 is just like this. She hides it very well until recently when daddy found out a lot about her! She does little sneaky thing; quiet things - she is very good at what she does - it's almost like she takes classes. She does things she KNOWS she's not supposed to after I have told her 100's times; like SD.......
Please don't shove 3 loads of laundry in the washer you're going to break it.
Please don't leave your feminine products just laying around; you have brother's and we have a dog! (gross; but she does it everytime)
Please don't spray your nasty spray all through my house (she loves doing this one)
It isn't even much; but she/they do these things just to piss you off and maybe start a fight between you and dad/mom. We used to do this all the time; I was even ready to move out!
Now I just let it go; I don't even budge or move!! That gets her. To be honest, I don't even talk to her.......I don't care enough to - it may seem childish to you but I just don't want to play with her anymore.
I had disengaged for a while
I had disengaged for a while and it did work, but then for some reason I quit (I think her dad wasn't getting on her enough).
So I am going to dedicate myself to ignoring her, for my own sanity. I really feel insane right now with how mad at her I am...I shouldn't let her get under my skin like this.
She does seem to be "nicer" when I ignore. So ignore is what I will do. Ignore ignore ignore! And this time, I will not stop!