OMG - Im SO ANGRY...this is the ultimate!
The " ultimate" has just happened in our household and I'm sickened and FURIOUS! Let me just say that I've spent time with my kids, did my best to be a good parent, talked to them about life, and the difference between right and wrong etc...and it seems that kids do what the heck they want to do (no matter how we feel) - Here's the story.
Last summer my husband and I had my oldest daughter come live with us due to some "teenage defiance" issues with her dad and stepmother. We were so excited to have her here and were really looking forward to seeing her make new friends and do well in school. Well, it didn't take long for her to slip downhill. She appreciated nothing, was disrespectful, disregarded everything I talked to her about involving life, growing up and of course...those dreaded boys (LOL). Prior to her coming here (and again shortly after) we counciled her and my stepson, making sure they understood that although they're related thru marriage and not blood, any kind of funny business, fooling around, touching, sex,etc is unacceptable. Marriage brings families together and this makes them step bro/sister...We thought it was common sense, but we wanted to make sure there were no question marks in their horny little minds as to whether or not it would be "ok" since they weren't blood related.
This past Friday I found out that my darling daughter texted my stepson saying, " Sorry about running my mouth a few months ago and I still love you." When he asked who is this, she replied, " Just know that I will always love you more than any other girl will."
I immediately had her come home from her friends house and when we sat her down to ask her about it she denied everything as straight faced as the best criminal. She even took it further and got a it pissy and raised her voice to me - getting mad at me !! We brought my step son out and asked him what happened and she jumped in and said, " NOTHING!" My SS said, " Yes...we did. Why are you lying... We made out and had oral sex. "
I looked at my daughter, said, "You felt it necessary to be so trampy and suck your SB dick huh? I don't believe the lie that it "happened once" or that you guys didn't have vaginal sex. Im not stupid...and you've both lied so much up to this point I believe NOTHING either of you say anymore." She got mad at me and yelled at me about embarrassing her, and I immediately snatched her shirt to make her go into her room and she began to fight me..punching and hitting and throwing her shoes at me. She ran out of the house to her friends house where I eventually followed her. She screamed and carried on causing a scene and calling me a "fucking tramp" in front of her friends. I have no clue as to why she said that...I didn't have any men in and out of my home, life or involved with my kids until I met my husband and got married. Her friends adult sister called the police (why I dont know)...as I waited outside by the car on my cellphone talking her her bio dad. The end result was the police telling her that she was lucky to walk away...if it had been them when they were kids they would have been severely punished/
Her dad said that she needed to come back to his home b/c she cant get away with having sex with her step brother, assaulting me and lying habitually. Now, I'm dealing with the frustration and anger with my SS. Im SO angry with the situation and am concerned about future ramifications. My daughter told her friend a while ago about having sex with her step brother...now that she knows and shes upset with my daughter for not returning her clothes...everyone will eventually know..the kids, the parents and maybe even teachers. What do we do? Im just so sick!! Not that I condone sex between teens, but with all the girls around he had to do this with his Step sister??
I need some help with this.
I'm sorry I have nothing.
:jawdrop:
I'm sorry I have nothing. What a crazy situation. A therapist maybe?
We've led by example in
We've led by example in creating an environment with love and consequences...we just don't know what happened? We cried...and my husband never cries...we were just so hurt....
I am so sorry that this has
I am so sorry that this has happened to your family, your ex needs to get your daughter into therepy and you and your dh need to get his son into therepy right away. I honestly don't know what to do about the neihbors, it will come out now but I am so sorry.
My husband is so forgiving
My husband is so forgiving and in this situation it makes me so angry. He hates having tension in the house and he acted angry for 3-4 days and now is talking to him again. I just dont get it! Im still mad and I dont even want my SS in the house..I want him to go back to his mother.
that would only make sense.
that would only make sense. You don't want any teen to have the person they are having or had a sex relationship with to be sleeping under the same roof.
I guess SS and SD are still both in your home?
no my daughter went back to
no my daughter went back to her dad the night this happened. MY SS is still here and the wounds are still fresh. I dont want to see or talk to him...but my DH is kinder than I. After a few days he began talking to him again. He had a "long talk" with him and he cried when he was told that if he "f's" up again he will be sent to his mothers house.
I think that this warranted being sent to mom...I dont know what else he could do that's this bad!
Holy Cow. The only bit of
Holy Cow. The only bit of advice I have is to RUN - not walk to the nearest intensive therapist. And keep your dd out of there.
Exactly what I was thinking!
Exactly what I was thinking! Good luck with everything! I wish you the best in this crazy situation!
U know wot...I feel so bad
U know wot...I feel so bad for you...I'm lucky I don't have to deal with that stuff...imho I thinking there may have been some alcohol involved??? I wld strongly suggest counselling as counsellours tell them teenagers how much crap they dish out to their parent and how wrong it is...saves u doin it and they listen to everyone else but u
I feel like I hate my husband
I feel like I hate my husband and SS now. He has been such a push over for years! I've told him over and over that he needs to make consequences for his sons actions. Of course it wasn't with opposition. He's right Im too stern and too much of a disciplinarian..,.
Well, even tho he eats humble pie now and admits I was right in the fact that hes been too nice, the only punishment SS has received is a good talking to, no cell phone and his TV taken away. Other tan that, nothing has changed. I think his son needs to go away to his mother. DH threatened that if he screws up again he'll go back to BM. Seriously, the chances of him messing up so bad that it tops this crap...are slim. This means he got away with it. I feel betrayed at the fact that his son takes priority over me and that my DH just cant stand firm ground.
I got the same sort of DH
I got the same sort of DH here...I feel so miserable
Oh, and we did say brother
Oh, and we did say brother and sister to the kids...but for the sake of explaining the story so everyone would understand...I had to specify step and bio....:)
I have some questions. First
I have some questions. First how old are the kids and how long have they been step siblings? Has your dd ever lived with you before this and if so what age and when did she live with her dad? I need those answered first before I can comment. Thanks
I think is perfectly natural
I think is perfectly natural to want to ring ss neck!!! After all it is your daughter who prob has mixed teenage feelings, and hating everyone bc "no on understands" I'm assuming teenager anyways.... I agree with you, a break from ss and daughter might cool everyone off and give a differ t approach on the situation.... After all how can you possible over come the situation of u are living with ss while u are so angry at him....
I think you are right. IF
I think you are right. IF your dd got "sent away" then why wouldnt ss? It's almost like the old "blame the female" thing? Unless there is some circumstanct that makes it impossible for ss to return to his bm? It seems like your dd is getting punished while your ss got his phone takent-my dd gets her phone taken if she gives me a dirty look. They both need consequences-equally-for their actions as they were both in the wrong.
Maybe I should be more grateful that my ss is a nasty kid who doesnt shower or brush his teeth. My dd would never touch him with a 10 foot pole.
I agree. I wonder if this is
I agree. I wonder if this is what she meant. She is mad that SS is still there and not be punished the way SD was. In addition, to having sex with her daughter. In any case, you couldn't leave them under the same roof or risk them continuing a sexual relationship.
I agree with the not fair
I agree with the not fair thing. Your dd is being punished way more then the ss. Poor thing already had issues and you kicked her out but not the ss??
I also don't understand why you would think that 2 teens would stay away from each other in the same house especially if they did not grow up together. I am not condoning what they did but still think about it 2 teens in the same house that are of NO blood and did not grow up together??? That is why I asked those questions, I want to know how old they are and how long they have lived together and if they grew up together.
If these 2 teens were thrown into living together you have 2 teens with raging hormones and from what you wrote it doesn't sound like they grew up together. What did you expect??
I am not sure that stamping
I am not sure that stamping your own foot and calling people names and expecting no one to forgive and work through it is going to achieve anything. And now your daughter thinks that the way you help her through a huge issue in her life that might have far reaching consequences is to send her away?
Perhaps think about why they did it in the first place. There are clear boundaries that they crossed.
All I get from this is that you are FURIOUS.
I have a friend at work who
I have a friend at work who has a son and a daughter. The son was 2 months shy of 18 when everything came out and the daughter 14. They are half siblings and did not grow up together. The daughter moved in with them when she was 11. They were having sex for two years before the daughter told her therapist. The son was charged as a sexual offender even though it was as consentual as it could be. The son is not allowed to see his sister. He has had issues since this happened. He's on probation. Lost where he was supposed to be living and couldn't find another place to live. He told his mom he was going to run. She told the police. They went to get pick him up and he stabbed himself in the throat twice requiring an emergency trach and peg and was lucky he didn't go through his spine. He severed his trachea and esophagus. Now, he's finishing his recovery in a mental ward. The daughter is finishing her freshman year of high school and doing fairly well. She spends a lot of time with me and FDH, who is like an uncle to her. FDH is friends with my friend from work. There's been A TON of therapy for all involved.
All of this was really hard on my friend. She struggled with which child to support and how to support them both equally and divide her time equally. She didn't take very good care of herself through it. In the end, her daughter has accepted her responsibility in the situation. The son accepted it at first and pleaded guilty because he didn't want his sister to have to deal with a trial. The son has not handled the consequences well, though. My friend was/is really angry with both of them still, but has come a long way. She loves her kids so much, and despite being angry she's put helping them handle the consequences first. There is a lot of control over her daughter. More than before, she was already a strict parent.
I don't have much advice besides therapy for all of you.
A few years after graduating
A few years after graduating high school, I ran into I guy I went to school with who had dated a lot of girls in our class. While talking, he mentioned he had gotten married, I asked if it was anyone from our school and he said yes, it was his stepsister. Apparently they had been sleeping together all during high school while he dated these other girls. Very Very Creepy!
While I agree that your SD was punished more than your SS, she took it way farther than he did, she got violent with you - he didn't. Plus it was probably a simple step to move her back to her dad's while I'm sure moving your SS back would require some work.
OH my! This is a real
OH my! This is a real nightmare!! 1st the punishments need to be the same for each child....DONT blame DH...is he blaming you? It is about the same?......You both warned against this behavior...and NEITHER one of YOU are to BLAME!!! DH didnt know and not tell you or ALLOW it to happen nor did you!! This was a choice by the step siblings!!! Having them out from under the same roof is a must for now...would having ss out of the house help you? you need to deal with this and having a constant reminder of the betrayal must be painful....but he (ss) nor your DD can be avoided forever....
SS and DD need to go to the dr and get a check to make sure she isnt prego...THAT would be a nightmare!! or that they havent exposed each other to STD's...a good course in sex ed is warrented too....along with some therapy for the entire family.....
Good therapy is a must in this situation....Are the kids "over" their fling? or are they still involved with each other? This case is going to bring long term issues if not delt with...I am sure that you will hear more stories like this on here after this post......I would think that is is much more common that you think...teens are teens...
I wish you all the best...be strong and work to not let this distroy your realtionship with DH...try to use it as an area to forge a stronger relationship with your DD....and maybe even you ss...
I'm not understanding the
I'm not understanding the counciling for these kids they did what any normal teens would do if they were living together without the step thing going on. I mean they are of no blood and did not grow up together.
The dd should go to councling for het issues but why for this? Just b/c the parents are creeped out does not mean what they did was wrong. Sure they should not have given that their parents are married but by law and blood they did nothing wrong. I don't know how to say this any better than the parents put these two teens under the same roof and expected them to stay away from each other. No different then if u moved a guy in of the sane age as ur dd and expected them to stay away from each others. I know ill get slammed but really think about it.
Purple Dasies: I suggested
Purple Dasies: I suggested counciling..but did you read what I said? I asked if they were over the fling? I even said "teens are teens" indicating that I KNOW teens will be attracted to each other....I KNOW that they are not blood...but the neagtive situation they have put themselves in is what will cause the long term issues...not that they need therapy because they did something "wrong" per say.... they just picked the "wrong" person to have an affair with...poor choice making is going to be a life long issue unless someone shines a light on this....Is this any more "natural" than a teacher and a student? or a "pastor" and a youth? They arent related...maybe not even so far off in age....It's just NOT morally right!!!! so it is more about the choices they have made and not caring about who is hurt....very much a REAL ISSUE...and one that WILL repeat
So I stand be hind BOTH kids getting therapy....and exploring WHY hey made the choices they did....knowing it crossed the line and was morally not the best choice....
I get that but does every one
I get that but does every one need coybclung for all the poor choices they make in life? We all have made a poor voice I. Who we have slept with so does mean we all need a couclor for every poor choice we make in partner or boy friend? No we don't but the dd needs help in dealing with the issues she already had. This should not be made into a bigger issue than it already has b/c they r going to think there is something wrong with them when there's not 6
I had a lot of spelling
I had a lot of spelling mistakes sorry ladies. I meant that most people do not go to counseling over every neg thing we do or experience we have. We learn from our mistakes and move on.
To me this is not somehting they need counseling over b/c they did what any NORMAL teen would do if put in the same situation. Sure they shouldn't have done what they did given that their parents are married, morally wrong maybe, but since when do teens worry about morals??
What I'm trying to say is that the dd probably should go to counseling for her own issues and be taught some enforce morals. If you make these 2 go to counseling and stress what they did as this awful thing like it was incest or something your WILL scare them. I hate that we are making this out to be a worst disgusting sin they could have made. When in reality they did what any normal teen would have done.
For our wedding we rented a
For our wedding we rented a big house at the beach and invited our parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. On our wedding night, when we thought SS's were being supervised by the other 10 adults in the house, they were BOTH making out with my niece the same age. They were all 13 at the time. Great start to the step-mom role. I can't imagine what you're going through.
My best friend's parents both were married previously and had kids. They both had custody of their kids and had teenagers. Her son and his daughter had sex and she got pregnant - they were married for 15 years and had 3 kids.
My point is... you can't trust a teenager. You just can't. They are all horny. They all lie. They will do anything with anyone given the chance whether they are attracted to them or not simply because they are there. I really don't know how you all do it with teenagers from different marriages in the same house. My hat is off to you.
IMO, the SS should move out too. Equal punishment. She's being treated like a tramp while he's getting a high-five for bad boy behavior because he's not getting punished. Your DH needs to man up.
Has everyone also forgotten
Has everyone also forgotten that she (and he ) tried to break up my marriage just so they could get it on? I also think everyone is forgetting that my dd decided to punch and hit me, leaving bruises because she was embarrassed about her behavior. She sat in my face and LIED..with the straightest of faces...I mean another Casey Anthony if you ask me.
And to answer the questions...they DID grow up together...since she was 7 and he was 5 yrs old!! They KNEW what they were doing..AND we made sure to clear the air and FIRMLY ESTABLISH that they are in fact Bro and SIS now...regardless of the blood relation.
Plain and simple...I said not to do something, I explained the consequences, she and he defied us, daughter assaults me despite everything I've tried to be for her. Sex w step bro, and assaulting mom is why shes back with dad. He's a police officer, and he seems to have a better handle on things. What many dont realize is that she boo hooed and cried a river of how things were soooo bad with her dad. Her dad warned me and clued me in that she was just trying to get her way. I gave her a shot, gave her freedom and privileges for getting good grades, she had a step father who showed her affection and spent time with her like a real dad....this was how she showed her gratitude.
I really want my SS to go back to his mother because the wounds are still so fresh and he was just as guilty as her. I HATE how our society blames women saying that it all falls on the woman. ITS MUTUAL!!! However, the line is drawn even more when my kid thinks she can punch and hit me. I also draw the line when she put my daughter in her swing without me knowing it, and watched her fall out on to the floor, glance up casually, shrug as if to say "oh well" and look back down to her cell and resume texting. There is something wrong with that kind of evil- to watch a baby fall and not even flinch...or get up to help. She doesnt want therapy and you cant force a person to get anything out of therapy if they dont want it...17 years old is still a minor, but again, if a person in unwilling to participate in therapy...whats the point. The only options I saw were either pressing charges (which would hurt her legal record) or go to dad....which seemed more positive.
Ok so they have been in each
Ok so they have been in each others lives for a long time. Did they share the same house for all those years or did they just see each other periodically? Not saying what they did was right at all.
IF they did grow up together that changes a lot of the way I was thinking. No it is not ok for her to try to hit and be physical with you. I think the best thing that can happen now is for them to stay apart and they both need to have the same thing happen to them. If they won't go to therapy then I don't know what to tell you.
And this is why I told my SO
And this is why I told my SO that his daughter who is 16 CAN NOT run around in any type of bra in front of my 14 year old boy! And I got told I was being crazy. Oh HELL NO! I'm not crazy. I know how the world works. I am sorry you had to experience what I have been praying will never happen in our house. SD16 is one big raging hormone... asking my daughter about all kinds of sex acts, positions and telling her what she has done with boys. I want to lock my son up every time she would come visit. Thank GOD I flipped out at the last visit and she has decided to not come anymore. I'd have to hurt her for ruining my son.