Yelling at me infront of SD and her friend!!
I have put up with a lot over the past 12 years and have fought my battles. But over the past year since SD14 has moved in with us (3 bkids) I have lost my DH. I have fell out of love with him with the choices he has made.........I feel he has, for a lack of a better word, "picked" his SD over me and my feelings. I am faced with the choice of leaving with my children and breaking up the family........or staying and continue to be pushed aside and unhappy. I was in the same boat last year - it is a cyle that will never break.
Last night my SD had her friend over and we of course began to fight (he is angry becuase I am not taking over the role of MOM for my lying, sexually active in our home, sneaky 14yrold SD).
MY DH has become very immature......he is screaming for me to get out and leave and I ruin everything...........and I can feel SD smiling the whole time; does this make sense??
Yep, makes perfect sense. I
Yep, makes perfect sense. I can't tell you how many times my DW has done this to me. If we are arguing, she makes a point to do it out in public area of the house where SD17 can hear it, so that she will win "brownie points" with SD17. I have pleaded with DW to have these kind of discussions in private, but she refuses. It is part of her granting "adult spousal status" to SD17. Something along the lines of "my daughter is more important than you, so OF COURSE she should know the intimate details of our arguments." She has never actually put it that way, but it is clear that she feels that way.
Of course, the whole time, SD17 is smirking, because most of our fights were related to her. Guess what? After I disengaged, this stopped being a problem, since I just ignore SD now. I still DEEPLY resent my DW for doing what she did, and I still DEEPLY resent SD for her role in generating trouble, but things are actually manageable now.
Happened to me as well.
Happened to me as well. Sorry to say this is a prelude to physical abuse; which has, as I predicted happened.
Can you bail now? I know sometimes it's not that simple. Have your exit plan in place!
I would tell him that moving
I would tell him that moving out will be in your best interests as a family as he is obviously unhappy.
However make it clear you are NOT his daughter's mother because being a mother is not an inherited job with a husband but something that is agreed by everyone. His daughter has to want you as her mother, you cannot force her to accept you as her mother. So far that isn't what his daughter wants.
This is HIS daughter and HE disciplines her as he sees fit. If he cannot manage her he needs to get help or listen to you with an open mind.
However as he has 3 kids with you he will be paying child support which will not make his life better. You will not expect anything more than what is required by the courts.
From what I have read on this site it seems the steparent is demonised and used as a buffer between his/her spouse 1st biokids. Once the buffer is removed and the steparent either disengages or moves out the bio parent gets a little eye opener as to where to problem really lies.
" the steparent is demonised
" the steparent is demonised and used as a buffer between his/her spouse 1st biokids. Once the buffer is removed and the steparent either disengages or moves out the bio parent gets a little eye opener as to where to problem really lies."
Well said
I am glad to hear (sad but
I am glad to hear (sad but true) that I am not alone in this type of situation. It is very embarassing to have happen to you..the other thing is she is a SUPER game player.......she tells daddy she WANTS me to be like a mother to her. Give me a flippin break......PUKE.
When we finally do put the kids to bed and have our time to talk; she'll come out of her room and sit right next to him......daddy this daddy that! Like I'm not even there!! So I just go to bed; this tells me - I'm not willing to fight for him.
What a sad way to live; letting a 14 year old RUN THE SHOW
Yeah she's using a
Yeah she's using a manipulation tactic tactic with that I want to be close to hbell. I agree with you on that puke!
As far as yelling at me in front of ppl. That would stop. SO made some jokes at my expense and skids started laughing. I calm but clearly got the message accross that he cannot do that in front of them. They will not be allowed to make fun and belittle my opinion. NOT going to happen. If he does it, they think they can.
If SO yelled at me in front of skids, I'd walk away and later he'd get torn a new one. Not giving skids any reason to think they can ever do something like to me. So tell your H "Hey, you do that to me they think they can and they will learn to be disrespectful. Don't ever do that again. you have a problem, then we need to talk in private. "
The sad part is - while we
The sad part is - while we did move into the house together; it's in his name; so he can make me leave; I just don't have the funds to up and leave with 3 children; we sunk all our money into this stupid house that was supposed to be our future. I hate to say it - but if she wasn't in the picture; I would stay. BM won't take her back..........hmmmmmmmmmmm wonder why??
He should be ashamed of
He should be ashamed of himself. Under no circumstances should he be disrespecting you in front of the children or anyone for that manner, adults are supposed to set an example. And you're right, soon the children will feel they can do it as well. Talk to an attorney to find out your options so you don't have to continue to live in this type of misery. As for SD, don't give her the benefit of satisfaction that she's winning. When your DH starts yelling, walk away and leave him standing there looking foolish. Either way, stay encouraged and don't allow this to break your spirit.
I can also relate. My SD (27) was running the household or so she thought. DH allowed her to do whatever she wanted so she didn't have any chores and the place was such a mess when I moved in, I was shocked that a female actually lived here. I also told DH to not discuss anything (he has a bad habit of discussing our finances) in front of SD. I had this conversation BEFORE I moved in with them, and have had to remind him of this often. SD's mom turned her over to DH at 14 and she's been with him every since. She doesn't get along w/BM . .yet DH wanted me to bond with her. . . ridiculous! When nobody can get along with you . . perhaps the issue lies with you.