It is your body... your decision. Just make sure that it is YOUR decision and NOT just you Dh's. Just because he has had 1 bad experience does not mean that he will have another.

Well, there are plenty of women in this world who don't want to have kids (I'm one of them). There isn't anything wrong with that -- but our society does really make you feel like you're deluding yourself or you're a freak if you don't want them. My guess is that if you really wanted them, you'd be obsessed -- a lot of my friends have told me that they just get completely obsessed with the idea of having a baby, and they wanted one so much it was like a physical pain. I have never had that.

I guess my advice is, don't try to talk yourself into something that you don't feel. I went through a phase like you're going through when I was first married to my DH. I was 40 and my DH had had a vasectomy. I had never wanted kids, but I felt kind of like the decision had been made FOR me. That fact alone made me start thinking more about whether I wanted to have them. I ended up having a talk with my DH and telling him how I felt like the door had been closed FOR me. He told me that if I wanted to have kids, he would get the vasectomy reversed and we would start trying. I told him I needed a few weeks to think about it.

Just the fact that he put the "choice" back into my hands, turned out to be enough. Once it was ME who got to decide, I realized that I was happy as I was. So I closed the door myself. In my case, that was all I needed -- the chance to make the choice for myself.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I just had to comment on this post with my experience in hopes that it might give you that needed, "relief."

My dh and I were expecting but I miscarried. (the stress and trauma from il's and bm were unreal.) I then decided that AFTER the miscarriage, maybe my initial feelings of NOT wanting anymore kids of my own were valid. (I have one BS18) I was content with having my own son already and honestly was NOT in mother goose mode and just wanted to "live." No guilt. Nothing wrong or selfish about wanting to go out, have fun, enjoy your time with your dh/ so and move on.

I'm on the pill now (my choice) and I have my hands full enough in between bm blackmail, ss5 and my own bs18. (when the mice are away though, this cat plays.)

It is your life and your choice. YOUR body. No regrets.

Best,
MWC

I'm new to this site, but am dealing with similar issues & just had to comment.

You stated "still don't want Bkids, but I'm just thinking that maybe it's because of all the struggle I've had with SS."

I have 1 BS12, but desperately want a BD. I was told just Friday that I most likely have, at the most, 1 year before I won't be able to have any more children.

I was slapped upside the head when I was trying to figure my own fertility issues out & this was what crossed my thoughts & sucker punched me...

If I were a single mom facing these medical/infertility issues, I would do WHATEVER I could to have 1 more child.

But considering everything I've gone through with DH, SD14, SS12, & their BM, I just last night decided that I'm giving up on having another child so long as I'm married to DH.

As long as they are in my life, I do not want to have another child. The fall out is more than I think I can handle- worse than getting a hysterectomy to 'fix' things & never having another child. We've already been through soooo much & the marriage has just barely survived & the damage is still not repaired despite a move across country this summer away from BM.

Needless to say, I have a lot of resentment built up & HATE the fact that the situation was so poorly managed regardless of my best efforts & advise, that now I must give up my biological imperative for just 1 more. If I weren't married, that dream wouldn't be gone from me so soon.

SO! At least for my situation, yes, my experiences with the ex-family of DH has tainted my views on having more kids.

p.s. Sorry for sounding so bitter. The medical issues are making everything more difficult. I'm sure that eventually I will learn to acceptance & let go of the evil thoughts in my mind.

I sometimes feel that I don't want to have kids because of my situation with my fiance's kids when they come to our house. His 12-year-old boy has ADD and he is not doing well at school; he has trouble focusing when following instructions, and if that wasn't enough, he's starting to act like a goofy teenager, and I get so frustrated because of the boy's lack of attention to stuff that I say, and can't have a decent conversations with him.
I'm 27 years old, and I always pictured myself having at least one biological child, but sometimes I'm just afraid my kids will end up like my fiance's older son with ADD. I am also worried, since I don't have the patience to deal with them, that I might end up having no desire to deal with my own child. Isn't that horrible?! But when they are not around, and I see a baby, I put everything aside and still want to have a little mini-me running around the house. My fiance says he would be happy to have one more baby. (sighs)

In your case, Do you have his kids all the time? and if not, how do you feel when they are not around? Do you enjoy the peaceful silence when the kids are gone? I think you need to think about yourself and NOT what He wants. He already made his choice and evidently you guys talked about it before, but if you're having doubts, then it is good to reconsider how do you really feel about having a baby in the house and changing diapers, caring and providing for him.

WWW, I'm sooo glad you posted this - because I am in a similar situation and I go back & forth on this subject every once in awhile. I would absolutely LOVE some input & advice from my fellow STers here about it.

My BF has told me from the beginning of our relationship that he didn't want anymore kids (he has 3 kids now - my future SD15 & SS12, plus he adopted BM's son (now 25) from her previous out-of-wedlock relationship). He said he felt "too old" to "start over" again with having babies, etc... At the time, I told him from the beginning that I wasn't sure if I wanted to ever have my own kids or not (I've never been married before, no kids of my own)...that I just wanted the "door left open" so that I would have the OPTION to have kids with him in case I ever changed my mind. Admittedly, I've never really wanted my own kids for most of my life, so this was never a MAJOR problem for me.

Fast forward a few years (say, years 2-3 of our 6 yr relationship) and my BF would once in awhile bring up the topic of having a vasectomy - I disagreed with him completely, because of the "finality" of having one done (meaning that if I changed my mind about wanting biokid(s) with him, that would literally take that decision out of my hands) and because I was already on the pill - I felt that a man having a vasectomy was just too "extreme" (and I didn't want him to go through the pain of having it reversed if I changed my mind). Why go through such an extreme when taking a birth control pill has the same intended effect (no babies)? He agreed & didn't have the vasectomy done.

So now I'm in year 6 with BF, we've lived together for 2 years now. I still don't know if I want biokids and not sure if I ever will. I need to figure this out because I don't want to look back at my life and REGRET that I didn't have my own biokids.

I'm approaching my 40th bday at the end of this year...and I know that my biological clock should be ticking...but in all honesty, IT'S NOT!! Also, MANY women in my family have had babies well into their 40's and all have been fine (my family is jokingly known as "fertile Myrtles" - the females basically tend to get pregnant just by LOOKING at a male - lol). My mom had 9 kids and the last 3 (my 2 younger brothers & my younger sis) all after she was 40. My sister just had her first baby (the cutest little boy!) at 40. My BF's SIL had all 3 of her kids after age 40. All kids were born totally FINE, no problems. I guess this tends to make me feel like I still have "time" to decide...

Sometimes I do get the "urge" to have a baby (not this PAIN in my heart or anything major like I would feel empty without one)...especially when I see what an AMAZING Dad he is with SD15 & SS12. Now I love my skids - I think they are GREAT, but they aren't OUR biokids - they are his & his exW/BM's. That used to bother me in the beginning of our relationship - that his exW got to be the mother of his children and I'm not (I'll admit, I used to be a bit "jealous" of that, even). But after much rational thought, that doesn't bother me nearly as much anymore...after all, if he had met ME instead of HER when he was younger, I'm sure I WOULD'VE been the mother of his children if I had wanted children, meaning it's just a "timing" thing that makes her the mother of his children, that's all.

BF & I aren't rich, but we aren't poor - I think we have enough money & we certainly have plenty of love to be able to raise our own child if we wanted one. So I don't think the "cost" of raising a child is a big issue. I could definitely see my BF & I getting engaged, then married and having a child in the future and being extremely HAPPY with our lives...but I could ALSO see us doing the same things and being HAPPY with our lives without a child just as well...

I'm so confused and I literally go back & forth about this all the time. Most importantly, I know I need to make a decision about this BEFORE I marry BF, because if he is 100% convinced that he doesn't want any more kids, then I don't think I should marry him because I just want the "door left open". Am I crazy? I love BF soooo much & he's an amazing guy. I don't know what to do....

HELP!!!!

milomom,

I think about this all the time. I never had that "urge" to have children, EVER. I have said in previous blogs of mine that I simply have chosen a career over children. Well, then I met DH and BOOM automatically - two children appeared in my life. I think there are all kinds of reasons why I have chosen NOT to reproduce.

When I was 16 my 19 year old brother and his girlfriend - the love if his life had an oops! Suddenly, I was an Aunt babysitting so BM could finish college and he worked full-time as a police-officer. When they were 22...another baby came. Things became so complicated - they split up. I feel like I already had my "mom days..."

And now...I am doing it over again with children that are not mine that I work very hard to be on good terms with and the oldest future step-daughter 7 wants to fight about anything and everything...Maybe if things were different, things were not ruined for me, maybe if we had more privacy - maybe things would be different BUT - I still just don't have that urge. Sometimes I think that maybe I was just not meant to have children...other days I think about how it would be if I were pregnant. BM would ruin experience, monster-in-law already feels the need to discuss the details of the "birthing" of her grand-daughters (weird...) and sd7 is sooo jealous of everything I would be afraid of what she would do...then I have this "thing" with pregnancy. For some reason the whole thing grosses me out - so I have just decided that if I decide last that I want a child, then I want a child...if not - no regrets.

Maybe if we were not surrounded by so much negative energy all the time - we would know what we really wanted? Do you understand what I mean? Or am I just rambling?

Either way - I know how you feel and I really don't mind just being "me" without a baby...and to be honest - I would not want my child going to school with half of these children that are being raised today (kudos to those of you that actually have taught your kids how to brush their teeth, don't feed them candy for breakfast, clean their ears, teach them manners and respect, and actually do the "mom" job) but I see terrible children everyday that have god awful tantrums because moms tell them no...that makes me not want to have them more! hahah!