Ugh!! Am I really THIS selfish??
Ok so here I am again.....looking for advice, words of wisdom or encouragement or something! I found this site because I was starting to get so FRUSTRATED with my SO because of his ex and his kid! And I am starting to feel like our relationship has just completely stalled! We're together almost a year now, I up and moved myself and my 2 kids (ages 17 & 7) 1400+ miles to be with this man. I knew before I decided to move that he had a 3 y/o and I was O K with that, because I had 3 y/o's before....but he works off shore and when he is home, he has this 3 y/o 24/7, which I also knew, but the BM would take the child 2 nights a week, or at least so I thought!! Its making me crazy because I don't feel like we get enough time together! I mean, I dislike the child to begin with because his a spoiled brat and the BM is a lunatic, but I don't know HOW someone can sit in a house ALL day long and feel like they don't get enough time together!! Yea that's me! I mean when we first got together, he worked til 6pm, then would get to my house til 7:30 almost 8, so the only time we had before I moved was after 8pm. By that time my youngest was in bed and my oldest was doing her thing held up in her teen cave!! So we only got a couple of hours at night, but THAT was enough!! NOW, during the day my kids are in school and we have the 3 y/o that CONSTANTLY needs or wants something (as 3 y/o's do)!! And even tho my SO will be off for 14 days, we STILL only get what I consider "quality time" AFTER 8pm. Because that's when the 2 younger ones (mine and his) go to bed! I don't know if I am being selfish and all he tells me is that he "tries to make time" and the best comment earlier tonight was "something is better than nothing"...........which was CRAP because if that's true, my ex wasn't so great but I guess he was "better than nothing"!! Whatever!
I am just not happy with the custody arrangement because the child is ALWAYS HERE when my SO is off work. And I told my SO, I can NOT find "quality time" when there is someone else ALWAYS around! My SO's custody arrangement was made so that he gets the 3 y/o while he is off work, and THAT'S because he (my SO) "already misses so much time with the child", which sounds like GUILT to me!! But my SO was also USED to the fact that before I moved down, it was only HIM and the child!! That's what he was used to!! But I'm here now and it just CAN'T be like that anymore!! The situation has changed and I need time with my SO also! Right now I feel like our relationship has stalled!! It was going full force at 150 mph and we were bullet proof!! And my SO says he just wants to make it to where I feel like we're spending "quality time" with him NOT having to give up more time with the child, and I just DO NOT see this being possible!! I mean if my SO wants to get intimate during the day........he leaves the damn bedroom door OPEN!! And I don't know about anyone else, but I really DON'T like trying to be intimate and wondering if/when a friggen 3 y/o is gonna just come wandering into our bedroom, which HAS happened on more than 1 occasion already! My SO thinks that the kid will sit in his room for hours and watch tv, but that does NOT happen..... I feel like the ONLY time we get together that's NOT after 8pm is when we go OUT a night or 2 here or there!! Now don't get me wrong, I mean once in a while the BM's family may wanna take the child over night, but that's usually ONLY on the weekends, so GREAT, now the 3 y/o is gone but MINE are here!! And that still means NO QUALITY time!! I mean I can't even look forward to any time in the afternoon because they don't make this kid take naps!
And I know SOME of you might think that "I should have thought about things like this before I had kids or moved", but the fact of the matter is, I knew MY kids would be in school and I thought my SO would make more of an effort to spend time with me! I'm starting to resent this child because I feel like the little bugger is RUINING what we had......and I resent the fact that my SO wants me to try and "find quality time" with his kid around because THAT would make HIM (SO) happy and NOT have to take time away from the kid! And I am starting to feel like what makes HIM happy is more important than what would make ME happy.......
So I guess the question is, am I wrong? Am I being selfish?
only you will know the answer
only you will know the answer for sure. i understand how you feel, ive been there, but that is what step-parenting is. if its not for you, there's no shame in that. that "friggin 3y/o" is his baby that he loves, you can't change that, if you try, you'll probably wound up hurt. i assume you really love this man or you wouldnt be suffering this crap, but do you love him enough? its a package deal-take it or leave it.
The whole leaving the door
The whole leaving the door open while having sex thing would be terribly stressful! He needs to change that! Wow! I agree with you on everything!
You are NOT selfish at all.
You are NOT selfish at all.
When my DH was courting me, he managed to get a babysitter everyday and every weekend. SO I didn't know how much he had his kids. And then he asked me to move in with him because he wanted to be with me everyday. Well I come to find out that he has his kids half the time.
Well, obviously that is NOT what I signed up for. Yes I knew he had kids, but I thought it was like an EOW deal - which I culd handle.
I wanted to build a family with him. I did NOT sign up to build a daily life with another woman's child. I can understand that he wants to spend time with his kid. And I am happy to involve skid into our home and to come and VISIT our family.
I was not the cause of his divorce. I am not the one who decided to break up his old family. His ex-wife did that when she had an affair on him and didn't know who her baby-daddy was. She was the one who did that.
You want a normal life. Normal parents have an obligation to make each other happy - in order to preserve their marriage and in essence the family. A normal family has two parents who make time for each other.
Well Snowflake, I did know
Well Snowflake, I did know that when he was off he had his son.......but I also was TOLD that the BM took the kid 2x a week, that the grandparents took the kid here and there and blah blah blah. So I was under the impression that there WOULD be time for him and i.....but that has YET to happen!! And I do NOT keep that child when he is away at work!! I refuse and that upsets him, but I did NOT sign up to be this child's mother OR the fkkng babysitter!!
And what's worse is that I would be quite THRILLED if this child went to fricken DAYCARE or some sort of program a couple hours a day. NOW I am getting to the point that I just wanna get a job as quickly as possible so I do NOT have to sit here, with my SO and still feel alone! At least if I am working, there is a GOOD REASON (in my mind at least) for feeling like I am not getting enough "quality time".