I have excluded myself & now resent it
This issue came up when I was posting on someone else's thread, and it is a big deal for me. When I first lived with DH, his girls were 6 & 8 and we used to go out as a foursome on the one weekend in two that we had them. However, the younger SD (now 14) would constantly sabotage the outings, so that in the end I stopped going. I figured that it would be better for 3 people to enjoy them than 4 people have a horrible time.
Over the years this pattern has continued. It is really my choice to not be included, but it is because SD was and is, so hostile to me. I now dislike her as much as she dislikes me. But I feel resentful that DH spends so much time with them - at their ages - 16 and 14, my BD's would be hanging out with their peers most of the time. I feel my SDs are quite immature and needy and require almost constant input from DH. By this point I suppose I had hoped this would be reducing but it doesn't seem so. I compare my SD's a lot with my BDs (26 & 28) - and the comparisons do not cast the SDs in a good light. DH hates me saying " I would not have let BD do THAT" when the SDs perpetrate some new bit of outrageous behaviour.
I tend to go off and do my own thing the weekends that they are with us (one a fortnight) but I feel lonely and resentful. Any thoughts?
Thanks Is - DH and I do have
Thanks Is - DH and I do have a good relationship and are very "together" on "our weekends". This somehow makes it feel worse because I miss him when he devotes himself exclusively to the SDs, when I feel that by now they should be starting to be a bit more independent. I agree he should have done something about this years ago, but he frankly lacks parenting skills (I could never say that to him!)having grown up in boarding school himself and moved out from living with the BM when the kids were 4 & 6.
I do have pals but they are mainly taken up with their own families on weekends. I do some volunteering, and used to do that on SD weekends, but not so much in the last couple of years. I know there is no easy answer to my situation and that some things probably can't be made better, but it helped talking about it. That's why I feel this forum is valuable. Thanks for replying.
So half of your weekends
So half of your weekends involve jealous teenage SDs who love that they can cause division in your marriage? I think any among us would feel resentful about that.
The thing is it really was a Hobson’s choice wasn’t it. A choice in which only one option is offered—take it or leave it. That is the same as ripping a person off. The person who has been ripped of is you and your dear sweet DH (cough) wants to keep you focused on believing you have been the master of your own demise. Having two teenage girlies hanging all over him likely gratifies his chronic need for adoration (at your expense). It’s dysfunctional.
Reject the Hobson’s choice post haste and announce that from now on you also will go on these outings. When you make your surprise announcement, watch closely for their facial reactions, especially your DH. That will tell you everything you need to know. If he smiles and is happy—good sign. If he scowls and is not happy—bad sign. Take if from there.
I absolutely love that quote:
I absolutely love that quote: "Having them hang all over him likely gratifies his chronic need for adoration(at your expense)." You are so accurate with that quote and it applies to so many dysfunctional parents. Very insightful Donna.
Bring up your concerns to DH.
Bring up your concerns to DH. Maybe, next time he will ask if you would like to join them. Go, just to see if SD still acts like she did before. If she does, you realize that you aren't really missing anything. However, inform your DH that he's not making it any better by still doing what he does with SD and that he needs to put a stop to it.
Yikes!!! I must be a
Yikes!!! I must be a weirdo.....I'm glad when DH does something with ss ALONE. I never want to go anywhere with them.
Even when DH had a relationship with step bitches ( they are adults) I chose not to go. I didn't care that he hung out with them BUT I did care they tried to always get money out of him.
It is a relief for me to get tom spend time alone and enjoy my separate interests .
In my case I was single for 13 years before I met DH so I have always pretty much done things on my own.
I soooo agree with you! DH's
I soooo agree with you! DH's grown kids are such an embarrassment that I do not want to be seen with them in public. He can do whatever he wants with them, whenever he wants. I'm perfectly fine without them!
It is dysfunctional, and yes,
It is dysfunctional, and yes, they are trying to drive a wedge between you two. My SD's did the same thing only the youngest (still living with us at the time) was 17/18. They were off doing their own thing with friends before I came along, and as soon as I moved in the picture, they both got all clingy with daddy-doormat and would cry if we went out to dinner w/o them (and mind you, she WOULD BE OUT with her friends when we did go out, so it's not like she was around to ask...and YES, we did invite her when she was around). They LOVE to play the blame game and drive that wedge.
Dad is feeling guilty, for whatever reason. My DH.....it was because he wasn't around much during their childhood because he worked 2-3 jobs at a time so the BM and the daughters could spend all his hard earned money and sit on their entitled asses at home. My DH acts as if they are still little kids that are still co-dependents (and they are now in their young 20's, one is married). He's slowly getting better, but I've got my own adult son, and I don't "crave" the need to call and see him all the time like my DH does with his daughters. It's creepy sometimes, almost insestual, although I know it's not. It's just weird how "needy" he is for their "relationship" (at THEIR AGE).
If he can give you a balance, and focus on you during YOUR weekends, like Date Night, or what-not, your insecurities will deminish. I'm making sure my DH is doing the same. I've told him, if he makes me feel special and secure, then I won't be so bothered by what time he spends with his adult daughters.
Thank you all for responding
Thank you all for responding to my situation. It has given me a number of things to think about. To be fair to DH, he still does ask almost every time he goes somewhere with either of the SDs, do I want to come? But I almost always say no.
I do feel he should have addressed younger SDs behaviour and attitude towards me years ago - but it feels to late to do anything about it now, and anyway, her vile BM has always loathed me (although I only came along after she and DH had separated) and I think a lot of both the SDs bad attitude towards me is because of her. I think they would feel disloyal to her if they liked me.
She is one of these people who has to be the centre of conflict and drama all the time, and she creates such around herself. A number of times she has stood screaming rubbish on our doorstep until DH closes the door in her face.
DH has a very good relationship with his own SDs - my own two daughters - who are in their twenties. When they both worked in the same city, DH would meet up with my younger daughter for lunch. But DH has not had to contend with such antipathy from my daughters, and their biol father has been accepting of DH. I read on someone else's post that your relationship with your SKIDs is a measure of theirs with their biol parents. I thought that was quite helpful.
Honestly, I avoid them as
Honestly, I avoid them as much as possible in my home. They have never been openly insolent, but SD14 is passive aggressive, and will do things like sit giggling with her sister at the dinner table over something they have not shared with DH and me. I should have challenged her about that, and other things, but it is not really my nature. I tend to back off from conflict, and I would just get up and leave the table if she was getting on my nerves.
DH challenges them sometimes, but he doesn't like me to - not that he ever said that, but I know.
Relations between me and SD14 have broken down to the extent that I have no interest at all in building any kind of relationship with her, although if she were to come half way to meet me, I would still give it a go. She tells a lot of lies, which I hate, I am probably an overly truthful person, and also steals. I lock up my bag and the cellar where we keep our alcohol, as she has stolen it and got drunk. She has I believe, leaned all this from her BM, who says what is expedient to her aims - whether true or not is immaterial.
These girls and their mother are people who, if they were not in my life as a matter of necessity, I would not tolerate anywhere near me for one second. I am quiet, understated, like peace and routine. They are loud, like drama and conflict and enjoy starting arguments. My few posts on this forum and the replies I have received, have reinforced a process that has already begun in me - I am putting up in silence less, I am voicing my objections to the SDs ways (to DH only, at present, but hopefully soon to SDs), in short, I am undergoing a "Thelma & Louise". As Thelma said "Something's crossed over in me, and I CAN'T go back"!.
kes, i have done the same
kes, i have done the same thing with my skids. i have gone and done things with them & dh in the past as a "family" unti, just to do it and not be the bad guy... often thinking isn't there something more enjoyable i could be doing like yanking out my fingernails.... so, i have laxed and rarely go/do anything with skids and dh... sometimes, i think maybe i should try it again, but it's been so long since we have done "family" shit it would feel awkward and i can only imagine having the same miserable experience.
but at the same time, i ask myself, could this all be my fault for not trying harder in the beginning? skids were 2 & 5 when i entered the picture and i guess that was an excellent opportunity for me, but between mil, sil, bm and bm's family, i'm surprised i didn't just walk then.
good luck!