Vent and advice please.....
Hello.
I am new here and am glad to have found this site...at just the right time too.
I am at the end of my rope where my marriage is at due to skids.
Background......I have DD13 and DS9 then there are SS19, SS16 and SD13. They live with their mother about 15 minutes away. My husband and I have been together 6 years, married 5. He travels for work and is gone a total of 7 months out of the year. When he is home though, his kids are always at our house.
Main issues:
1- With only being 15 mins away and my house only around the corner from the school BM TOO OFTEN and without warning tells SD13 and SS16 to just go to my house until she can pick them up from whatever she is doing. Now, I have personally asked her not to do this, not of course, not listened to. I would have not one problem in the world with having them at the house with some advance warning. I work FT and when I get home and have to cook dinner, 9 times out of 10 I have just enough dinner out to cook for just the 3 of us. I find it rude to tell the skids "sorry I have nothing to offer you to eat".
2- the skids, because they are in town, feel they can just pop on in to grab a snack and go without so much as a hello. I absolutely hate people being in my home without my knowledge. Not to mention, when I go grocery shopping while DH is gone, I do so for a family of 3 and do not have time with my schedule to go grocery shopping again until the weekend, so then my kids go without.
3- SS16. Wow this is a big one. Him and I had a very good relationship and he was a well behaved kid, did decent in school, great at sports and then about 1 1/2 years ago a huge change occurred in him. He began lying of his whereabouts, sneaking out, drugs, smoking and drinking. He began to stop doing the things he enjoyed and only kept with his then new girlfriend, who myself and BM, DH and BMBF all agree is a horrible influence on him.
Being that we live in town and BM does not, SS16 likes to stay at our house so there are things for him to do. When all the lying, etc started and I had to go on a search mission at midnight for him, I told my husband I couldn't do that anymore and that I no longer wanted him at the house unless he was off the road. There had been several other huge issues that went on as well and we went months last year with not talking to SS16 at all, which took a toll on DH because they previously had a wonderful relationship before that. But fences were mended and along with our lives we try to go. With DH back out on the road, I was asked if I could start anew with letting SS16 be at the house again when he was on the road. I said OK, we will start fresh with this.
IMMEDIATELY it all started back up with his not letting me know when he was coming over, where he was and basic lying.
SS16 is very rarely given punishment for his bad behavior and when he does(and I totally blame DH and BM for lack of communication in this or backing each other up)if the grounding was at mom's, he comes running to our house. If it happens at our house, he goes running to BM.
The other night we had an incident occur where he was at my house when he was explicitly asked not to come because it was not a good day for me and I gave alternative to come the next night instead. Of course, I was the bad guy when I found out he and his GF had been there and called BM since I didn't appreciate it. It turned into a HUGE fight with DH who is 400 miles away and can't do much. Oh and of course, SS16 LIED to his mother stating he was there for only a few minutes and looking for something, however DD13 told me everything that went on......but I am a liar.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I have my own children to raise and certainly not in that fashion. My kids have consuquences to actions and they know it. But my stomach is just so turned over this latest one, I don't know how much more I can take.
I told DH that I really didn't want to talk to him for a few days while he is gone and when he comes home later in the week to text me to let me know so we can then sit down and have a face to face discussion because apparently the behavior he wants to permit and the behavior I expect, are 2 different things and that is not good.
Sorry so long, but I honestly had nobody else to vent this to!
Oh....almost forgot. Do I go
Oh....almost forgot.
Do I go back to not allowing his kids to be at the house when he is on the road?
Do I just disengage completely?
Do I say screw it he isn't hearing a thing I am saying?
I have had conversations with
I have had conversations with the BM concerning this on a few occassions. I have tried to explain it in everyway possible to her without screaming at her. Maybe I need to try saying in in another language? LOL
I have also tried explaining this to the skids as nicely as I could. SD13 at least finally gets that this is not a flop house and will let me know when she plans on coming....but that is a very recent development and only when she remembers.
Now, when I complain about it all, DH tells me "I don't want his kids at the house" and he just does NOT get it that I do want them at the house, but the way they are doing it is not right. It is MY home too and I DO deserve to know who is in my home at all times and that needs to be respected.
I think when DH comes home at the end of the week, I am going to tell him one of the things that needs to change that might make things easier is that SD13 is at our house certain days of the week. Not just dropping in, not stopping for a snack, but planned. That will give BM time do to her thing if needed and a chance for the SD to be at the house and ME knowing they will be there so I will have planned accordingly.
As for SS16, I have no clue how to handle that. I really don't. I am sick to the pit of my stomach.
I can certainly sympathize
I can certainly sympathize with you. My daughters 15 and 12 live with me full time and my SS 17 lives with us full time by his choice. My SD, also 15 comes and goes as she pleases. We are in the same boat. Their BM is 15 minutes away (or less) there is no schedule, no pattern, no rhyme or reason to anything. My DH thoughts are that they "are old enough to make the choice of where they want to stay." Well, my thoughts to that are I have earned the right to say no. But this never happens.
His children are never punished, my children see it as being treated unfairly. I tell my girls that I have higher expectations of them, that I taught them better. My skids won't talk to me unless they want/need something, otherwise I am invisible. My DH gets very defensive and confrontational whenever I try to discuss it, and I too am at the end of my rope. My 15 yr old said we live in "a house divided." So sad.
You have a a daughter and SD who are 13? How is that working? My daughter and SD used to get along pretty well, but they now hate each other, which makes co-habitation Oh so much fun. :sick: My kids don't talk to my skids anymore and vice versa. My skids don't talk to me, my kids don't talk to my DH, I wonder why are even together? Can we put this thing on hold until the kids are grown? I think my kids happiness has to come first.
I know I am not much help here, I guess I am in need of a little venting myself. But I can definitely empathize with you. Best of luck.
Surprisingly, the girls get
Surprisingly, the girls get along great. They are 3 months apart, but in different grades, have SOME of the same friends, play the same sports, etc.
And I think that is why when I explained to her that I need to know when she is coming over ahead of time, she more or less understood that if she didn't do that, I would be pretty mad.
More and more, I notice I do not want to spend time with my DH and his kids when they are over. If they are playing a board game or whatever, I tend to stay in the living room and crochet. My BD has been staying in her room more and more when he is home...I believe due to the obvious tension.
My BS tries so hard to be involved with DH and I don't know how to describe how he treats him. I will be the first to say, my son can be emotional at times, gets frustrated easily, but also is the first one to say hi to someone when they come in and want to be engaged with you. DH thinks he is too emotional and I believe that to be because his boys are very UNemotional(which is just like him!).
I never thought to tell BD the I expect more! Thank you for sharing that one! Because she does get mad when the skids are over and they do not pick up after themselves or do a chore, where I expect her to clean her room and the bathroom every week....for which she receives allowance.
My DH says the EXACT same thing that they are old enough to decide.
It's sickening and very disheartening. Like this is not MY home too!
Your girls are in the same
Your girls are in the same situation as mine- 3 months apart but different grades- SOME of the same friends. Now they are in different schools, which helps, since they don't get along anymore. I hope that changes. They had planned for years to have their Sweet 16 together, but that is NOT happening. I hope yours stay friends!
I also don't want to spend time with my DH when his kids are over, but that is almost ALL the time. Luckily, I am going back to school and spend my time studying in my bedroom. Actually, all the kids stay in their bedrooms pretty much when they are home. I guess that is their haven.
My 15 yr old daughter is very outgoing, cheery and friendly and talks to everyone. She says hi to my SS and he NEVER responds, my DH rarely responds, it just disgusts me to the point I am worried about her.
Oh yes, my SD will only clean the house for money and only when she needs it. I try to go on strike and not clean just to see how long it will take for someone to, say, pick up something off the floor, or wipe up the counter, but then I get frustrated and end up doing it because no one else will. My SD gets home from school and has hours to spare and does nothing. My girls get home around 8-9pm after school, study and soccer, then they shower, eat, finish homework and go to bed. I can't really expect them to do chores during the week when their schedule is that packed. But I don't think it is unreasonable to as my SD to unload the dishwasher once in a while, but God Forbid I ask her to do ANYTHING! Entitled, spoiled, little... UGH!
I often feel like a guest in my own home, I feel uncomfortable because the skids make me feel uncomfortable. So, I hide in my bedroom. My DH doesn't help matters any.
BINGO!!!!!! I feel like a
BINGO!!!!!! I feel like a guest in my own home half the time as well.
And that is what I told DH this morning on the phone and that it was not fair.
Him and I discussed a bunch of rules/boundaries that we are sitting down and talking to the kids about when he comes home. He agreed to them, I agreed to them.
Funny thing, when I said "OK, we have discussed your kids and things to change, what behaviors would you like to see different with my kids?" He said nothing, the rules you enforce with them they follow.
Hmmmmm imagine that.
I am half tempted to tell him to have BM come to the house as well and sit her ass down and tell her the rules as well concerning her just telling the kids to come to the house.
Change the locks and the
Change the locks and the garage door code. If DH is not home, they do not come over. THis is crazy....They are not your problem.....
LMAO I wish I could change
LMAO I wish I could change the locks, but my hubby is on the road so I won't be able to get a key for him.....WAIT that is a great idea!
We do have a "hide-a-key" that I have removed so they will not be able to get in without someone home.
Truthfully, I don't know that I want SS16 at the house unless his dad is home. I am still heavily debating it because he is such a little asshole. But with SD I was thinking of telling her to let me see her volleyball schedule and figure something out and pick a couple of nights a week where she is at the house.
I tried to do the tradition thing a couple of years ago and we had a jealous BM issue over it, so needless to say it stopped really quick.
I just don't understand why
I just don't understand why they come to the house when your DH is not there. You are not responsible for these kids....Is there no custody agreement in place??? We never see SS during his mom's week. We have 50/50 and it is completely adhered to. Not negotiable with either parent.
Truthfully, I have a very
Truthfully, I have a very good relationship with SD and up until SS16 started pulling his crap, him and I had a better relationship than he had with either his mom or his dad. He used to open up to me and talk to me and we all did things together even when DH was not there.
The custody agreement is joint custody.
I would definitely not allow
I would definitely not allow ss over. Why would you? It doesnt sound as if he is coming to spend time with you or your bios. He refuses to listen to you-so that makes you unable to supervise him. I would just tell dh since he is unwilling to follow your rules then he cant come over. Even with sd-I would only have her over if you really felt like it. It sounds like your relationship is better with her so I could see where you might like to maintain a middle of the week dinner or something and quite frankly if your ss was willing just to come to a dinner once a week I guess you could invite him as well(sounds like he defintiely wouldnt show as his agenda is not to spend time with you)but at least that way you can say that you are offering to have them over.
My dh is often gone for long periods of time, I work full time, and have 3 bios. I know how stressful it is being a single parent-the last thing you need is the additional stress. I would NEVER allow my ss over here to come and go as he pleases. Heck, I do not allow my kids to come and go as they please. If you were gone for 7 months would your dh be a full time parent to his kids as well as welcoming yours to come and go when they liked, break rules, and make him feel as if he needs to provide for them whenever they show up unexpectedly?
Copying the post from other
Copying the post from other thread......
I just had a long talk on the phone with DH told him I want to be able to maintain a close relationship with the skids but tired of feeling like this is not my home and I laid out all my rules:
1- Last chance for SS16....he is listen to me, tell me where he is, tell me where he is going, he will not be allowed out every night during school, he will not have GF over every day, him and GF are not allowed in the house unsupervised. Any deviation he will not be allowed at the house unless DH is there.
2- SD13 will be asked for her sports schedule so I can tell her "look these days that you have practice at 4:30, yes just stay in town instead of going out to home, but I need to know so I can have enough stuff in the house when I go grocery shopping on the weekend and I also will know who is in my house when I am not home. This does not mean you are walking through town with your friends and you just stop to get a snack and leave. This means this is time you are spending at the house and we can have fun together."
3- BM will once again be told that I am not her babysitting service. You will tell her she is NOT to send the kids over to wait at your fathers because she is too lazy to get off her ass at the time she needs to get the kids from activities. If she has something she needs to do, and I totally get that, call and ask ME.
4- All skids(because this is the rule for my BD13 and it should be for all) set the time for when phones are off, set the time TV's off, set the time computers off.
He agreed 100% (at the moment) with these and said we are going to sit all the kids down and tell them this.
My biggest thing though is with BM. She will not heed our telling her not to just send them over. I don't know how to handle that one. I mean it's not the kids fault that she is a bitch.
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