SS16...should I disengage?
First, I am new and thank you for having such a place to vent and ask advice.
DH and I have been married 5 years, together 6. He is gone 7 months of the year due to work. I have BD13 and BS9. He has SS19, SS16 and SD13. The kids have always gotten along and I have always gotten along with his kids and vice versa....until the past 1 1/2 years.
SS16 at that time started lying about his whereabouts, who he was with and just overall attitude. During the course of this time, we have also found out he is doing drugs, smoking and drinking.
Previous to all of this, his children were welcome at my house as long as I knew ahead of time(which is another issue itself) but after having to hunt for SS when he should have been home or not where he was supposed to, I put a stop to his being at the house when his father was on the road.
Part of that was if I would punish him, he would go running back to BM house(we only live 15 mins away) and I refused to have a child in my house not following my rules.
Over the last year, there was a period of several months where DH did not talk to SS because of crap that SS did and did not want to apologize for. Sorry, but BM should have swiftly made that child apologize and not allowed it to drag on for so long.....
Anyhow, here we now are the past month, SS only comes around sporadically and Dh goes on the road and ask if SS is welcome at the house again when he is gone. I tell him I am trying to put the past to the back for several months, he knows the rules and fine, we will try this.
Strike 1
Strike 2
Strike 3
And with Strike 3 the other night, all hell has broken loose.
SS had asked to stay over on Monday night, I told him no it was not a good night for me and Tuesday better.....told this to his BM, told this to my DH. Low and behold I come home from my evening class and discover him AND his GF(who are not permitted in the house unsupervised) were there almost the whole time I was gone.
I call BM and let her know about it and that I am pissed. SS LIES and tells her he was only there for a little bit and that was to get something.....meanwhile BD13 tells me all that went on(not that it was bad, but still I had said no). My DH is claiming I do not want his children at the house and is actually believing SS lies.
I am at wits end.
Disengage from SS only?
Disengage from HIS kids entirely?(which I will find hard to do since SD and BD are extremely close....the step-twins)
Why should his kids be at the
Why should his kids be at the house when he is not there? Are they coming to visit you and your kids or just coming to get away from BM or rummage for food or what have you? I told my DH that there is no reason for skids to come if he is not planning on being there... they are not there to see me, they could care less (and that's fine) and I am not there to babysit/monitor them.
With SD13, she likes being at
With SD13, she likes being at the house with me and my kids...especially BD who is the same age, BUT she also has a habit of just running in the house to get a snack and leaving without so much as a hello....which pisses me off.
With SS16 it is so he can be in town near where his GF lives. And we have SERIOUS issues with her because his behavior did not begin until he started dating her and DH as well as BM refuse to just put their feet down and tell him you are not to see her anymore. They just refuse to do alot of things, which is another issue in itself. They permit SS to play them off each other, with each afraid they are going to lose him forever! Total BS. The kid doesn't know how to do anything for himself anyhow.
Now...BM does seem to think I am her babysitting service and that is another point of contention that I posted in the blended family forum http://www.steptalk.org/node/41410
Seriously why do the have
Seriously why do the have access to the house when you are not home???? Change the locks. These kids do not need to be there if your DH is not home. It is a real easy rule to comprehend. My Steps live less than a mile away and are not allowed to come into the house, without calling and getting permission. If we are not home, the answer is no. They no longer have keys or garage codes, since their was the stunt of them showing up when we were not home and taking things to their Mom's.
You can control this problem, with a very simple rule and telling your DH NO!!!!
I'd be saying that they could
I'd be saying that they could not come over at all if their father or I were not home. Can I suggest that BD and SD can meet up at an ice cream place or something to spend time together and maintain their bond. It's my belief that kids are defiant, regardless of how they are raised or what rules there are in place. Change the locks, if they still get in then you can have them charged with breaking and entering. It is NOT their house, or their physical address. The only way I can see that you can get through this is to create your own boundaries with BM and SKids. DH seems to be oblivious, BM seems not to care, the way I see it is it's really going to be up to you to do what needs to be done and, please, DO NOT justify yourself to ANYONE! It really is a shame to punish the other two SKids, and it's a hell of a thing for them all to live so close too! I liked it better when BM lived over an hour away by car. I'd suggest picking the other two up and taking them out to spend time with them and maintain a bond, while making the rule that no one is in your home while no one is there to supervise. I'd anticipate defiance first of all and the level of parenting that seems to prevail. Be resolute though, true to YOU, and create the boundaries with the SKids individually so that they know where they stand with you. A couple of weeks is all it takes! With older SS here it took ONE time for me to tell him 'do not speak to me that way' and he realized real quick that I would not tolerate his disrespect. It's not easy, I know this too well. DH is not at home so you are the rule maker in his absence and it is YOUR home. Do not ever listen to 'he said she said' crap, I found the word 'regardless' helped me to reiterate my point with SKids.
Thanks for the advice! I just
Thanks for the advice!
I just had a long talk on the phone with DH told him I want to be able to maintain a close relationship with the skids but tired of feeling like this is not my home and I laid out all my rules:
1- Last chance for SS16....he is listen to me, tell me where he is, tell me where he is going, he will not be allowed out every night during school, he will not have GF over every day, him and GF are not allowed in the house unsupervised. Any deviation he will not be allowed at the house unless DH is there.
2- SD13 will be asked for her sports schedule so I can tell her "look these days that you have practice at 4:30, yes just stay in town instead of going out to home, but I need to know so I can have enough stuff in the house when I go grocery shopping on the weekend and I also will know who is in my house when I am not home. This does not mean you are walking through town with your friends and you just stop to get a snack and leave. This means this is time you are spending at the house and we can have fun together."
3- BM will once again be told that I am not her babysitting service. You will tell her she is NOT to send the kids over to wait at your fathers because she is too lazy to get off her ass at the time she needs to get the kids from activities. If she has something she needs to do, and I totally get that, call and ask ME.
4- All skids(because this is the rule for my BD13 and it should be for all) set the time for when phones are off, set the time TV's off, set the time computers off.
He agreed 100% (at the moment) with these and said we are going to sit all the kids down and tell them this.
My biggest thing though is with BM. She will not heed our telling her not to just send them over. I don't know how to handle that one. I mean it's not the kids fault that she is a bitch.