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SD refuses to come for EOW visit

jillb's picture

Submitted by jillb on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 6:00am

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So my SD9 refuses to come this w/e. She is newly back in our lives since Dec due to a court order. All visits have gone ok, although we don't have $$$ to entertain her like we would like. She has school vacation this week, and thanks to us and an exorbatant CS order, she is being taken snow boarding by her douche BM. She has loaded the kids week with the trip and birthdays,and the kid now states she doesn't want to come to see her dad, knowing it will now be a solid month between visits.
Last visit she stated she wanted to live with us. So it all appears a little manipulative. She heard her dad and I discussing $$ in the car ride home, and realizes now that her darling BM is driving her father to the poor house. Suddenly after wanting to live with us, she now doesn't want to visit.
Color me disappointed. (NOT)But it breaks my heart to see DH so upset.
The visitation is set up by court order. The kids mom, is the queen of breeding for dollars. She has three kids and still no husband. She LOVES drama and chaos and attempts to bring it into our lives at every opportunity. I told DH to call his lawyer, as the visits are court ordered, and this newest twist will be a negative blow to their burgening relationship, and will play into the BM's pathology of being the "perferred parent." At $800.00 a month for one child, hubbie can't possibly compete with BM, who is living well due to CS.
What are your thoughts on the kid refusing a visit? We don't speak to BM, its all done thru a lawyer. Hubby has just shy of begged her to come, to no avail....
*ps I previously had another online ID which was too identifiable. Thanks....

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 8:40am

Awesome advice. Wish someone had said that to me before SD14 hit puberty and turned into a spoiled brat....oh what I would have done differently.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 10:37am

A 9yr old doesn't have a choice! Outrageous! Get the courts or police involved if she should be coming to your house. Period. Geez, I lived with my bio-parents and mostly didn't like my dad, but I had to put up with him...what is wrong with kids of divorce thinking "they have a choice?" Now of course, as soon as the father decides, "forget it, I'm not begging anymore..." everyone, including the crazy ex's will call him a deadbeat...go figure!

PS - if you have any other kids in your house, ie bio kids with your DH, I would PUT MY FOOT DOWN! She can't play her little game, even at 9...My DHs daughter and mom thought they could do this...ie. send her/come when it was convenient...bdays, Christmas, blah, blah...I put a stop to it...DH agreed! Either she came when she was supposed to, but not every few months...no way OUR SON would be living this BS of waiting for his stupid sister to show up at her convenience...when he's older, he'll know the truth...but for now, forget it...we're not going to allow an skid to destroy the life of our bio for her own selfishness...

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 12:52pm

"Refusing to visit" :jawdrop: WTF! Since when is it the kid's choice? :? DH needs to drive to BMs house and get his kid. Call the police before hand so they can be there to counter BMs drama. He needs to take a copy of the CO when he goes.

He needs to file a contempt charge against BM immediately and do it every time she fails to deliver the Skid per the visitation schedule whether the Skid wants to come or not.

Visitation is not the right of the kid to refuse, it is the NCPs right and it is the NCP that has to make damned sure that neither the kid nor the CP manipulates or interferes with visitation. The powerful point is that the only person in the picture who can manipulate visitation without consequence is the NCP. When the CP denies visitation.... Jail for contempt! When the kid refuses visitation.... CP goes to Jail for contempt!

This gives the NCP significant leverage for sending a message to the CP. When the CP has plans during visitation time the NCP can refuse visitation which throws the CP in to a tail spin.

If the CP is manipulative the NCP needs to flog the shit out of the CP with the CO and when the CP is beaten in submission then the NCP can drive the message home by interfering with the CPs world by forcing the CP to keep the kid during a visitation time.

If the NCP regularly sees the kid during visitation there are really no consequences in refusing a visitation occasionally to keep the CP on edge.

Since the CP holds most of the control and the cards in the blended family situation this is one powerful way that the NCP can exert control. Beat the shit out of the CP for denying visitation all the time and every time, then stick the CP with the kid when the CP had other plans during a visitation time.

We had to use these tactics against my SS-18's SpermClan when they would return him late from visitation. We would go find the kid with the police in tow and take him regardless of where the SpermClan was at the time. We then filed contempt charges against the SpermIdiot.

The key for successful implementation of this tactic for the NCP is to always maintain compliance with the CO as far as visitation is concerned. If your DH takes his kid for visitation he needs to return the kid on time.

Good luck.