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New here and venting

bean soup with rice's picture

Glad I found this forum.   I am a BM to 2 and SM to 2. My DHoth have physical custody of our kids. Together 6 years and our entire family has gotten along pretty well and the kids have a great relationship with both of us. BD is non existent and would rather sign over his parental rights andstays out of the kids lives. BM is high conflict and DH had to go to only email in the last 6 months. It has been great. I feel though he is one step away from the OFW app.  Both bio parents struggle with addiction issues and housing.  There is a mediation agreement in place for skids and outlines it all.  Her visitation has been drastically reduced  from EOW overnights to EOW 16 hrs and now EOW or so for 3 hrs. We also have provided transportation 100% of the time.  Visitation change is due to her situation and choices but its always spun to the kids like it is DH fault.  I am dreading summer when she goes full psycho. Although I cant imagine what it would be like to not have your kids when you want and some SM is with them more than you.  There has been so much crap over the years but I always dread holidays and birthdays...and when we plan trips and family visits and summer. When she finds out we do anything family oriented she gets so nasty and then the skids get weird and everything is off in our house.  I do not ever communicate with BM and ( I think) I have been reasonable and hands off to their situation. 

Does anyone have a similar experience?  How do you move past it? I get so anxious around holidays and trips....Just looking to connect with other SP's.  

SMto3's picture

Hi bean soup with rice,


I have been in my situation for 11 years. I was childless when I met DH and he had 3 boys, 12, 8, and 3. The first 2 were from his first marriage and DH had custody of them, the youngest lived out of state. 

At first everything seemed okay. When I look back, there were definitely some red flags I missed. But my younger, more optimistic self believed we would work out to be a big happy family. 

Their mom used to get EOW until her actions got it reduced to supervised visitation. She began to tell all sorts of lies about DH and even got him arrested a few times. I couldn’t understand why the boys still took visitation with her. It was similar in that everything she found out about, she made sure she ruined. It was interesting though, because I eventually found out that the oldest SS would tell her everything. This was what led to my decision that none of the kids be present the day me and DH got married (not even my own DD just to keep it fair). 

As time passed, BM lost full custody and apparently her mind as well. The boys say she now believes humans are robots and she lives in shelters. I never thought I would get stuck with them full time. Because they have no family that helps here, the youngest who is now 18 has not stayed over with his mom for about 5 years. He doesn’t have family to visit so he’s just in the house every single day. He is also manipulative and Carries around a depressed energy. The oldest, well he struggles with substance use and how to save and he now has a baby on the way. Now that he’s about to be a father, he is trying to be more in touch, because I imagine he wants my help with his child, because his mom can’t help and his gf’s family lives out of state. 

Here is what I would advise you to do. Always treat the kids with respect, you don’t have to love them, just treat them with respect. Set up boundaries asap. This means, if you hate when they enter your room, start enforcing those boundaries now of not allowing them in the room. Have your husband head family meetings at least bimonthly to check in with everyone (I wish my dh had done this). Also know that no matter how horrible she is, that woman is still their mom. Nothing you do will ever be a good enough replacement for what the kids would really want, which at the end is their mom. A lot of times, they resent that you’re a good mom, because it highlights how much their mother isn’t. I would say that it seems like you have a good enough start; 6 years and kids get along and don't hate you isn't bad! But have DH think about what kind of future he wants for his kids and start to work on that, or you're stuck with them. 

bean soup with rice's picture

Thx SMto3 for your insight. Since day one DH and I talked about what our roles would look like so it looks to be a good start.  I agree that even when I dont think the kids are telling their mom everything, they are telling their mom everything. 

JRI's picture

I'm 78 and DH is 85 but your situation reminded me of ours.  I had 2 kids and DH had 3 and, initially, his were here every weekend and every moment they weren't in school.  After 4 years they all moved in, one at a time.  There was no legal proceeding, BM had a different life going on and the kids didn't like her bf.

SMto3 makes a valid point that, no matter what, the kids pine for their BM to be the kind of mom they fantasize about. I tried, not always successfully, not to comment about her but inside, I was incensed that she'd dumped them on us.

If your kids all get along well enough, that's very good.  Ours did, too.  You ask how to get past the resentment.  After the early SAHM days, I went back to work full time.  I also went to night school.  We all bumped along and they all eventually launched.

Now, DH and I have the house to ourselves, it's heaven.  My SD61 is still a pita but the others are doing fine.

You sound like a kind, thoughtful person.  I'm glad you've joined us, it will help you.  Good luck.



bean soup with rice's picture

Thanks for this. We do have a no negative talk about our exes around the kids...some days easier said than done.  

Noway2b1's picture

It's imperative. Also no big decisions regarding the "family unit"  without discussing first. Be prepared for your DH to forget any previous discussions and agreements, so write things down if you have to. 

justmakingthebest's picture

My SS23 (autistic) lives with us full time. BM1 lost custody when he wasn't even 1 yet and hasn't had more than supervised visitation for most of his childhood. After he turned 18 she ramped up a few times, tried to say all kinds of things to me, etc.

She is crazy. The fact that her own parents know she is crazy helps- A LOT. I do keep in touch with them (SS grandparents) and make sure he calls them from time to time and I send pictures. Having her family's support is comforting in a way. We aren't "close" but knowing that they know SS is taken care of and loved matters to me. They know he is in the best place and have no problem telling BM as much!

There was a time when SS thought his mom could be a "real mom", but over the years he has figured it out. He doesn't even take her calls anymore. We just let her hang herself and and did. 

The resentment is still there, knowing that my SS will likely always live with us. Knowing that I am the one who does all of the doctors, job coach meetings, food, etc- it's hard sometimes because I do have kids of my own that aren't special needs. DH is still active Duty in the Navy is is gone a lot. I want that future where DH and I get our empty nest! Why can't BM have the burden of the child she created because she did drugs pregnant?? 

At the end of the day there is no good or happy answer.

BM flares up, I ignore, SS ignores, DH ignores. We move on, she disappears again. It's just the cycle and will probably always be that way. I love my SS like my own. This is just life.

Rags's picture


Time to go full facts on the kids in an age appropriate manner.  Parents like the BM and BioDad do not just one day turn into decent people.  Kids need the facts in order to protect themselves from the polluted end of their gene pool as they are growing up. Also as they navigate life as adults.  

My SS-30's toxic SpermClan did not get suddently of quality when he turned 18 and aged out from under the CO.   He had the facts by then.  He would research the Custody/VIsitation/Support file cabinete when he would return home from SpermLand visitation after they pumped out their usual lies and manipulations.  He would call them on their crap in real time on visitation. 

He has had to keep them in their place as he has navigated life as a viable adult and man of character and standing in his profession and community.

SS-30's three younger  also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas include Spermidiot spawn #2 who is on the dole, #3 who is in prison, and #4 who is not far behind #3.

Give the kids the facts.. so they can protect themselves.

IMHO of course.


Losingit321's picture

Have a fear of being "replaced" even tho they barely see their kids.  I was very resentful w/ BM dumped a 7 year old on us the WEEK after we got married... and from then on created drama (ie CPS at the door multiple times) you name it she did it.  

Anyways, I try not to think about how she reacts and how I do.  I know I am very hands off w/ SD because I know ultimatly she will choose her mother and live in some fantasy that she is a great person. 

Do nothing - disengage- when those thoughts creep up try and let it go and focus on what we can control.