Help..BMom wants to take kids on our days because Dad will be out of town.
I don't know if anyone has ever been in this position. My Husband's father has become very ill and he may have to leave for a few days to a week to take care of him.
He has 50% custody of the kids, 3 days a week with an alternating 4th. He approached Mom today and let her know that the Kids would stay here (with StepMom) on his days. She said, no, if he can't be here, then she will want the kids on his days when she's not working.
She doesn't want them on the days she is working because she would have to take time off work and arrange for extra daycare, etc. If I have on the working days, I will be the one rearranging my schedule.
Does she really have any right on where the kids are on HIS legally designated days? There is no first right of refusal in their Custody agreement, so I would thing it's HIS choice where they stay when he is out of town.
Please help..
I really love and care for
I really love and care for these kids. I hate that she just wants to use me for transportation so she doesn't have to be inconvenienced on school mornings. I work from home, so can be relatively flexible with my schedule, but it will still mean I have to rearrange meetings and such. For her, it would mean unpaid time off work. So to sit there and say I can do all the school mornings and afternoons throughout the school week (3 days of which are HERS), but when it comes to having the weekend to enjoy time with them, she won't let me have them?? I'm checking their custody agreement now to see if they have a 1st Right of Refusal clause, because if they don't.. well she can figure it out on her days and they WILL be with me on his. Ugh.. the kids are wonderful.. it's the Ex that's my issue.
This. I wouldn't be her
This. I wouldn't be her babysitter. She either lets you have them the whole schedule you are supposed to have them, or not at all.
I agree...if she wants them,
I agree...if she wants them, then she needs to take them for the full time your husband is away...not just when it suits HER schedule.
We have to give them to BM if
We have to give them to BM if DH is not here. It is her right, not yours. You are overstepping here. Check the CO, I will bet there is a clause called "Right of Refusal". We have it and BM doesn't use it when she is supposed to, but we do. It is actually an issue that they will talk about in mediation later this month.
This is not a fight worth taking on. Also, I would be thrilled if I didn't have to take care of them when DH wasn't here....enjoy the peace and quiet.
I don't think that the BM has
I don't think that the BM has the right to keep the skids even if BD is not there. I'm not 100% sure, but if there is no Right of First Refusal in the CO, I believe that you would be looked on as your H's "agent." Kind of like a Power of Attorney where you fill in for your H.
I can't remember the exact wording but I read something about this before somewhere...
Does BM ever leave them with her family to go somewhere? Do they stay at Grandma's ever? If so, wouldn't it be the same situation in reverse?
Yes, it is your DH's choice.
Yes, it is your DH's choice. We went through this with SD, except her BM did not work. DH traveled frequently for work, and at first SD stayed with me (also had 50/50 custody). But things got so bad between me and SD, we decided it was best for SD to be with BM when DH was not there. This worked for us.
BUT, in your situation, it sounds like BM only wants the convenience. Stepkids legally should be with you if DH has custody, even if he is out of town. If you WANT to give BM to have the option to have them some, great. If not, don't sweat it. It's DH's custody time. What he does with the kids is up to him. If it was me, I'd tell her the ONLY way I would agree to this is if she is responsible for the stepkids ALL the days DH is not there, not JUST the days she is not working.
Thank you.. I'm still unsure
Thank you.. I'm still unsure of the way the Custody Agreement is written. I think before I push back too much, we need to take a closer look. It does look like so long as the place doesn't change (ie: my house), then she doesn't have a right of refusal, only if the kids will be placed outside their Mom or Dad's residences. So that gives me hope.
However, it could be interpreted that if Dad is not "home" then Mom might have 1st Right of Refusal, in which case, yes, she needs to take them on not just the weekend day that would be Dad's but all days that would be Dad's, which mean she'll have a LOT of time to take off work. She won't do that, to her, it is her convenience that's most important to her.
My SS11 still comes when dad
My SS11 still comes when dad is not here. Even when he is deployed. I'm more than capable of taking care of him and it keeps him on his same schedule. I think there is a right of first refusal in the CO, but even in mediation both parties lawyers and the mediator all agreed it didn't apply to stepmom/dad being able to care for the child. It is still the child's home whether with DH or with me. The lawyers all said this right of first refusal only applied when the child would be left with an actual babysitter and would not stand up in court if one of the parties tried to complain that the kids were left with a stepparent.
Think of it this way. BM is
Think of it this way. BM is a Deadbeat Mom. She divorced her husband when he was unemployed, but refused him any custody unless he agreed she would not have to pay any child support. She's as much told me, if I can't pay for the kids when they are here at my house, then she'll file for full custody. She truly thinks financially, by being with her husband they are my responsibility.
When things got tight and I asked her to help - we provide all before and after school care as well as daily transportation in my car - her reply was, well if I have to pay someone, I'll just put them in daycare (which is a LOT more than the help I was asking for). She really does everything she can to manipulate us financially and threaten the kids. They are very very young and they do see me as their step-mom. I'm always clear that she is their Mom and that's special and I'm not.
We encourage her to come over anytime to see the kids on our days - we leave the door unlocked. She has gone on dates or out drinking with friends and has never willingly come to see them. The 10 year old's b-day was the other day. She was just here for the 6 year old's 3 days earlier for 2 hours. She said to us the day before that she wasn't coming because she didn't think she was invited. It's in the Custody agreement that ALL holiday's are to be spent with both parents. Of course we told her she's always invited, I didn't think I had to send her an invite in the mail, she lives a mile from here. The next day, the morning of, she said she would rather spend the day with her new BF. This was her kids 10th B-Day. He called her, and asked her who's more important, me or this other guy? Her response was "well, I've already made plans". It took his Dad to beg further and then a fight and her being pretty pissy about the whole thing, but at least she showed up.
Trust me, I'm not trying to be invasive to her rights as a Mom, but she doesn't seem very interested in being a Mom. So to ask me to still provide all before/after school care and transport and keep them during the weekdays so she doesn't have to take time off work (but I would!!) and then say, I can't have them on the 1 weekend day to me is cruel and absurd. I've never met a person so involved with themselves over their own kids and it makes me sad everyday.
Trust me.. I am looking at their Custody Agreement and nothing in it states they have to give 1st Right of Refusal. What it does states is that if the location of care will have to change, ie: placing in daycare or with a babysitter, then the other parent has a right to the kids.
They haven't been divorced long enough to have any instances of one parent being gone on their days for an extended period of time, but she has had us watch the kids repeatedly on her days so she can go on a date or out for the weekend. She will cancel her plans if we won't take them and guilt us because it costs her money to put them somewhere else. Of course we WANT the kids here, so we take them and we front all the questions about where Mom is, why isn't Mom here visiting.. she doesn't even tell them about the schedule change, so when they show up here, they're distraught that Mom just dropped them off when they KNOW it's her day and we're left holding the bag and trying to be the better people for the kids.
Ugh.. it's just so frustrating. I wish Dad had sole custody!!
We have "Right of Refusal"
We have "Right of Refusal" If DH is not home for longer than 4 hours, he has to ask BM if she would like the kids. She has the right to refuse. Then if it is DH's time and she doesn't want them, then it is up to him to find chld care for them. Whoever that is.
I understand about her only wanting them if she is off work. But, honestly it doesn't seem fair that she should only have them when it is convenient for her. Legal for us given the CO, but definitely not right.
BM is changing her tune now.
BM is changing her tune now. When she found out that if she chooses to change the schedule for her convenience, then she'll be responsible on all days, not just the 1 weekend day that she doesn't work.
Her first response was to tell Dad that she would figure it out and it would cost her significantly financially, but that she'd work that out with him (meaning, she'll expect ME to pay for daycare on HIS days because she works) &, she'll pick it up on her days. Kids usually stay here because he's out of work. So now, not only can I not have the kids on HIS days as per THEIR norm, but because I am the sole income, I have to cough up the $$ to provide the other care?? If I can't she's basically saying that I have to just deal with it.
Her claim is "First right of refusal" means she doesn't HAVE to take the kids and alternate care is at the cost of the Father. So if the Father's choice is to keep them here on HIS days, because she's opting out on her work days, then it's still HER choice where they go (ie: Daycare, but at HIS cost)?? But when there's no financial risk to her, the weekend, she'll happily take them on that day.. just not the others.
That seems very very wrong. However, every time we even approach it with her, she immediately pulls the "well if you can't afford them, maybe they shouldn't live with you guys at all". Do you have any idea the fear that places in BD's mind? He's a great father. He goes over every night kids are at BM's (if she allows him) to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.
Wow.. it's sad that adults can't just be adults.
Tell her it's all or nothing.
Tell her it's all or nothing. And don't pay her a dime. if she wants the money, tell her she can take you to court, and then stop engaging her. Really, this is all you need to do.
I agree. You are givng her
I agree. You are givng her too much power here. If it is not in the CO, do what you want to do. As for paying for this stuff, this is exactly why our finances are separate....
Nope. I'm pretty sure BM is
Nope. I'm pretty sure BM is wrong... First Right of Refusal (FRR) is to ensure the other parent has first opportunity to be with the child when the other parent can't. All bets are off if the parent trying to exersize that clause cannot actually be with the child. In other words, BM cannot put the child in daycare (or any other care) if it's dads time. Further, she doesn't get to choose where the child goes if dad or she can't take him on his time unless there is something specific to that in the CO.
Second, if she pulls the First Right of Refusal and takes the child, I think SHE is responsible for those costs. I'd tell her to kiss by butt on that one!
BM doesn't let them visit us
BM doesn't let them visit us if DH isn't here because it's supposed to be their time with him. I understand it , but they want to come here. They love our digs and have fun here. I am ok to babysit though if she has something going on lol
I have totally mixed feelings
I have totally mixed feelings about this...I feel like a hypocrite.
I don't like it when my bios go to their dad's house at all. He is kind of a flake...especially lately. And they always come home upset about something. I like his wife. But still....I wouldn't send them if he wasn't going to be there. I think when my kids were little, I would have used it as an excuse to keep my kids at home. (My kids are old enough now to decide for themselves whether or not they are going to visit their dad.)
But...as a stepmother, I've always had the kids regardless of whether or not my DH was at home. When we were non-custodial, he was gone all summer two summers in a row. The kids stayed with me. Now that we are custodial, I don't even tell their mother when my DH is going to be gone. I don't think she really cares one way or another. Hell, my DH is gone right now.
I think the fact that y'all have 50/50 probably makes it more difficult.
You're not a hypocrite at
You're not a hypocrite at all. After some soul searching this morning, I've come to realize, no matter how much I love or care for the kids, they aren't mine. Someday they will be old enough to decide where to go when and I hope they want to be here. The oldest lost so much respect for his BM having to beg her to come see him on his birthday, I don't know that it's something he'll ever get over.
Same thing happens here, they go to BM's for her day, then back here and when they get back the oldest is distraught from being ignored by his own Mom. He tell me and his Dad that she won't listen, never spends time with him like we do. He spends his time there in his room watching TV so he can be out of her way. The middle one is getting to an age where he's starting to ask why we have 2 houses. He's very close to me and I keep telling his BM to talk to him. She won't.
They don't have a bedtime at Mom's, they stay up till 10pm or later and don't eat regularly. She doesn't cook, so it's a lot of fast food jumbled into shopping trips. Every time they're with Mom, they each get a brand new toy. Mom's been through a few BF's now.. each one introduced to the kids. The last one that "left" is causing the middle child a lot of grief. He doesn't understand why he left and how come he's not around anymore. Again, I asked Mom to talk to her kid. Course we've asked Mom to keep these guys out of the kids lives until there's a reason to have them there. It all falls on deaf ears.
As I said, I guess I have no say in things, nor in how she chooses to use her "right of refusal" it's not all or nothing, it's as she sees fit.
So I know now that means that I will have the kids with me on the 2 weekdays, she won't want to take that time off work, so they'll be my responsibility. When the weekend comes, they'll be with her and that's that. I suppose there is nothing I can do but wait. Time will take it's course and I sincerely hope she starts to care about her kids a little more. I will not lower my care of them to make her look good and I will not feel bad if my care, over time, causes them to see their mom in a different light. Those are her choices. I'm so tired of it and I can't imagine what the kids infer from all this, we never make this public to them, but her actions are things we can not hide from them. This is not their issue and it's sad that she uses them as leverage at every opportunity. Kids should be loved and cared for and nurtured.. that's it, nothing else.
I have had this situation
I have had this situation when the kids were younger. BM would call DH to say that she wants the kids when he is out of town.. she didn't want them here with me. I was waay okay with that. But that also meant that she could not depend on me for the morning or after school care. I was adamant--and I never gave in. Eventually, she got really pizzed off. DH goes out of town a lot. She sent me an email complaining that one of the reasons they divorced was because DH was out of town so much (that she had to have affairs)and she doesn't appreciate it still affecting her life.
Oh well...
I will be adamant that the
I will be adamant that the ONLY care I will provide is on HIS days if she "opts out" so to speak. The rest of it, I guess she'll have to figure out for herself.
Other financial obligations are a little tougher to stand my ground. When they divorced he was unemployed. She looked at me as a way to get rid of her Husband and the financial obligation she would have and boy have I stepped right up. I buy all their clothes (she wouldn't give me any when they split). I bought all their furniture for their rooms, sheets and everything (again, she refused to give Dad anything from the other house). I've bought all their toys, I bought glasses for one when his other pair broke (Mom claimed her insurance wouldn't pay for a 2nd pair, so it was on him), I pay Dr. visit CoPays - according to her he's responsible for 50% since they have joint physical and custodial custody.
Problem with this is whatever she says is his responsibility becomes mine since I have the only income in this house. Any mention of her paying child support or even helping us out turns into, "if he can't afford them, then he shouldn't have them". It's rediculous I know, but she comes from a VERY wealthy family and any threat of a court battle, she has the upper hand.
I now have a whole new concern.. probably for a different thread, but I've been reading the FEDERAL Handbook on Child Support and I do make more money than the kids BMom. Because I have shown an intent to "Parent" these kids, apparently she can ask for CS from ME! I have no rights to parent, but apparently I get to pay like one. That's scaring the bejeasus out of me at the moment.
Yes I "Parent".. it's rediculous how this thing reads. Gee, if you're a step-parent and you want to love and do what's right for the kids, you may be financially obligated to your spouses Ex. WTF??? So now what.. tell the kids I'm sorry I can't go to their school plays, cheer them on in sports, do their homework with them, bandage up their boo-boo's because if I do, their Mom may ask me to pay her??? Wow.. just Wow...
Hoping my initial panic over this has caused me to mis-read, but I'm desperately trying to find out for sure how to protect myself. I want a child of my own someday and I can barely afford her kids, much less be required to by law!
I'm a SM and I feel your
I'm a SM and I feel your pain. My SD BM does the same thing to us..and it's to a point that if we have my SD on our days she stays with us period..it's of no concern to her mother and I spoke with our lawyer about this and he stated her time with us is with us and her BM has no say..
I read a few posts that stated "you shouldn't overstep they are not your Bio-Kids..and while this is very true..you are married to their father and that makes you the mother of your house..ok SM of your house..but you get my point. If you are good enough to be a SM when he is home you are good enough to be their SM at anytime..
I would hope that any BM would be thrilled to have her own kids loved by a wonderful SM....
Z
Yes.. thank you! I'm sorry
Yes.. thank you! I'm sorry to hear you go through the same thing. I think there are people out that that don't need to be the bio-parent to understand how to love a child. It's those people who sacrifice so much of themselves in the interest in others. That should take precedence - the "best interest of the child" not who gave birth, if they're not capable of providing the care.
Sounds like you are a wonderful SM and I bet your SD is happy to have you!
Aww...it's ok we are in it
Aww...it's ok we are in it for the long haul right.. I do know my SD loves me, although I have my challenges with her but I just keep plugging ahead....
As step parents we are often an afterthought in the eyes of lawyers, judges, BM or BF. It's really unfortunate because being a step parent means making alot of sacrifices....
so cheers to you and have a good day!!! let us know how it turns out...
Z
Why the hell would your DH
Why the hell would your DH even bother telling BM what HE is doing with HIS kids during HIS visitation? The NCP's time is the NCP's time and the CP has no say or control over what goes on during the NCPs time just as the same applies to the CPs time.
Lesson learned: There is such a thing as TMI (too much information) and it can bite you in the ass even when all you are attempting to do is the right thing.
If she wants the kids, judge
If she wants the kids, judge would sympathize if she pushed it. Frankly, it's standard language in most custody agreements that if one parent can't watch them, the other parent has first right of refusal. The reasoning for this is that their time with their mother is a right, their time with you in the house that their father lives in and the friends who may surround that - is not.
Think of it this way. Sharing custody means taking your own child and having to share them now. The ideal is having them 100% of the time. So, any option to do so is an option that should be made available, barring any special considerations for the kids and possible events near your home. If she's a good mom, she should be able to facilitate those friends near your house if kids wish it.
I hate these things when the
I hate these things when the initial poster doesn't give the outcome.. so here's mine..
We had to let BM know about Dad's absence as it will be extended. Custody is 50%, every other day. BD's reason for leaving is his father's health and a massive surgery that he may not make it through. BM is here every morning since BD provides all transportation to school and she's here every one of her afternoons to pick up kids, since BD picks them up from school as well on all days.
BM also lives only 1 mile away, so there would be no way to "hide" the fact that BD is gone for over a week.
In all this, while I still believe it's the wrong ideological choice, I believe this is the right choice so that BD can take care of his dad and not worry about what's going on back here.
Sooooo.... I will be providing all after-school care, her days, his days, doesn't matter. Whosever home the kids wake up at will be that persons responsibility to get them to school. I simply can't take time away from my job just so she doesn't have to. As for the weekend, she has a Saturday job, so she's going to bring them here so I can watch them while she's at work and pick them up after. She doesn't want them during the week on BD's days because it will interfere too significantly with her job.
So, yes, in BM's eye's I'm a glorified free babysitter. However, when we told SS10 the situation, the very first thing out of his mouth to his BM/BD was, "but I still get to go see SM right?". That tells me my time with these kids is important, not just for me, but to them and I will step up, be the bigger person and do what I can while BD is away. SM will simply reek the benefits of that with no consequence to her social/personal life, which she's done from day 1.
Thanks for all the advice.. oh and btw.. the Courts confirmed, that the children are to be in the physical (same location) care as their respective BM/BD on their designated days. Any absence of the BM/BD for more than 4 hours is to be immediately reported to the other parent so that they have the option of accepting care of the kids during that time. In the event that parent can not or chooses not to, then it's up to the parent, who's designated day it is, to arrange and pay for alternative care. My status as SM does not give me any legal right to trump the BM's right to her children if BD is not physically present with them for an extended time (4 hours or more).