My DH's EX is now about 300 lbs. When he sees her he can't believe what has become of her. I guess she is depressed..... I often try to imagine him married to her.... and it is really difficult. She was thin when he was married to her. After they divorced she had a few more kids and well... she got really huge.

i sometimes wonder what dh ever saw in bm as well, they were young and in high school. me and her are complete opposites. like *completely*; our lives have been lead so differently. I know hes a different man now than he was when he was with her. I knew him for about a year before he and bm split up.(no i wasnt the 'other woman') I could just tell he was unhappy with her, oftentimes he told me so. I had seen them argue before and it wasnt good. He was an angry person. I like what naturalmom said, about bm having to live in her shadow now, I like to think that about bm as well. I have the life now that she wanted (minus a child with dh, but soon )

I think about it all the time. I do not worry that BF will go back to BM. I do worry that he feels comfortable with her sometimes to much. He has told her things that are private between us. He says he told her when we were broke up and they were thinking about reconciling. He is so optimistic about her stopping drugs and becoming a perfect mother to his kids. They are 11 and 13, she is running out of time. SS13 already expects her to fail with him. SD11 is still hopeful.

I see pictures of them together and I don't see a happy BF most of the time. Some of them before they were married, but none afterward. He smiles only in the pictures of him and his kids.

I do wonder if he was more affectionate with her, if he said "I love you" to her. I wonder about his past girlfriends and lovers. I wonder if he thinks about them. He says that he does not, but I know he still talks to some of them. I honestly do not worry he would cheat on me, but more that he would talk to them about things about "us". I wonder if he was different with her than he is with me.

He tries to appease me, telling me that the past is the past, we are the present.

Oh well, there is your answer.

my situation is kind of screwed up. my FHs sister is my best friend in the world and has been since we were 8. so i knew FH and BM when they were married. i didnt know them closely however. my FH was completely blindsided by the breakup. they fought, sure, but to him it was normal married people fighting and stuff they would work through. but one day she was literally BEGGING him to go out of state to the wedding of one of his friends, something she would normally be begging him NOT to do. so he went, and lo and behold, she was gone when he got back. my FH and his family were all shocked and he was devastated. he broke. he tried to force her to stay, earning himself a bogus restraining order from BM. anyway, my point is i was there to see all this aftermath. this is when my best friends brother and i started getting close. he was begging BM back and i was heartbroken for him, finding out that while he was at this wedding BM was camping in a tent with SD6 and the man she left my FH for. continued...

continuing post above... BM refused my FHs begging which was her worst mistake, but it turned out great for me! he and i started dating a month later and he says i showed him true happiness and how he deserved to be treated. he and BM had been high school sweethearts and she was his first love and first everything. he said he was feeling everything for the first time all over again. even though i helped him heal from losing a ten year relationship, BM did realize her mistake and come crawling back. but by then it was too late for her and he had found me! i do think about their life, but only to improve on any problems they had and so i can foresee how he is going to handle conflict and explain things to him that they both could have done better to treat each other with respect...that kind of thing.

It's definately crossed my mind--how did they function as a couple? I've asked FDH and he tells me "When it was good, it was really good, but when it was bad, it was the worst." They didn't have any middle-ground. I still can't really imagine them together, and I don't really want to. BM and I are very far apart in many ways, but FDH and I are also very unalike. I would say BM and FDH are more like one another than I am like either of them (neither of them are very book-smart, I have my undergrad and just took my lsat, they both drive big lifted trucks, I have a civic, they tend to enjoy a more local/rural lifestyle, I like cities and world travel, and so on). I just looked at that list and I guess our differences are mostly situational. FDH and I are more alike in our reactions to situations than either of us is like BM (i.e. if one of the kids makes her angry, she tells them to go to their rooms; if FDH or I gets upset, we explain why).

My take - FDH and BM met in high school, so they came from the same place. However, they were both young and FDH had a lot of personal history/issues that he didn't feel comfortable sharing with BM (this still shocks me--how are you married so long and don't talk about such important things is beyond me), and BM had a lot of naive expectations (she was one of those girls with a hope chest and WANTED to get married and pregnant right out of high school). Couple all that with two very stubborn personalities who don't communicate their true feelings and don't compromise because they always feel slighted by one another BECAUSE they don't communicate their true feelings, allowing their little hurts to build up to the point of resentment-- it's no wonder that they ended in divorce.

I try not to think about their happy times. I've seen pictures of them together, and it's really surreal. I just cannot wrap my mind around them together. I can analayze it to hell and back, but the actual image of it is just not there. I've even spoken to FDH about things like when BM was pregnant or how they raised the kids, but it's kind of clinical-seeming, like we're talking about two different people.

DH & BM married right out of HS. I guess they dated for 4-5 years before getting married. She's a sociopath/narcissist and "played the victom" to him about her family life. Yes, you can believe, he's so genuine he buys into being TOO sympathic to people who "play martyr".

I too have seen pics of them from the beginning of their relationship. She was never smiling, and if she was, he wasn't (one of them was ususally looking pissed or unhappy about the other). Last 10 years of their marriage, there's NOT ONE picture of them together. Just one or the other with the kids.

I've heard from family members they fought like crazy all the time in front of family. He doesn't seem to "remember". Either he really can't remember, or he doesn't want to.

He can not stand her. She overspent and forced them into bankruptsy. They lost their business and house......everything.

He worked two jobs so that she could stay home with the girls, and now she's turned them against him.

There was a time, and probably now......he says "I wish I could put her six-feet under".

She was quite cute when she was younger. Being addicted to pain-killers and narcotics over the past 10 years has given her a pretty haggard face.

His Uncle commented not too long ago, how much he likes to see my DH smile so much these days. I guess he didn't with her.

What blows my mind is how they managed to stay married for 17 years. He said it was only good for the first 5-7 years. I guess working two jobs, helped keep them apart long enough to hold things together.

I guess that's partly why he stuck it out.....for the "family and the girls". He's a real "family grounded" guy, and unfortunately she (BM) destroyed everything he worked for all those years.

I was preocupied with this topic early on in my relationship with DH. i.e.: "how could he have been married to this woman for so long if she and I are nothing alike". He has told me "his side" of their relationship woes, however, I do realize that there is His Story, Her Story and the Real Story. The longer I know him, the more I can imagine what the "Real Story" is.

She knows things about him that he hasn't told me. I know these things only because I suspected them, and I came right out and asked her. Knowing this, I think..."hmm, why won't he tell me??" I'm sure he has his reasons.

When I'm "around" her, i.e.: talk to her on the phone, or am in front of her, I actually like her. Its when I'm removed from her that I think.."I don't understand this woman!". And it IS because she and I are so different. She is very dependant, doesn't work, is lazy, and has this warped sense of entitlement. She has an oposite parenting style from DH. She's self centered so her world revolves around herself rather than her child. She ensures that SD9 is taken care of, she loves her, but she doesn't "dote" on her. The most important thing for BM is that SD9 is respectful and appreciative. DH is the oposite. He dotes on SD9 from the moment her little eyes open, until they close at night. Everything he does is with her in mind. He parents with competition in mind sometimes. Making sure that SD9 loves him best. I think had they stayed together, with these two oposite parenting views, SD9 would have had a happy medium upbringing.

As my relationship progresses, I think less about these things. I don't get riled every time the phone rings (she used to call constantly). I'm more comfortable in my role. I'm more more "confident" in my role.

I'm absolutely jeleous that he had a child with her and he and I will never have a child together. Still haven't completely accepted that one. Then again, our marriage wouldn't have survived a child. I know that for sure. I guess I chose him over having a child. We tried twice and failed and didn't continue trying. In my heart I know his reason for not continuing was because of SD9. 1. He had a child. He didn't "need" another. 2. SD9 didn't want us to have a child, she told him and me many times (although we didn't tell her we were trying). So, its because of her. Do I sound resentful? Its probably because I still am. I'm working through it though.

Wow...didn't I go off on a tangent.

OP, the moral of the story is....the more confident and comfortable you are in your relationship, the less you think about the DH and BM past.

NewBeginning,

I think that's a very valid question.

We do know that we have to deal with crazy ex-s and difficult step kids; but in the same times we wonder what the dynamics were with the ex.

It does take two to tango. Of course, often times these exes are users, bloodsuckers and takers. But what kept our BF/GF/DW/DH in the relationship? Or made them fall in love in the first place? The need of self punishment?

I think about this too...