REALLY dont know what to do
Before i explain, all information will be greatly appreciated by everyone, so i do thank you in advance.
Just a quick breakdown, been a step father for 4 years. Moved to wales from the midlands with my partner to start a new life , she was previously in a violent relationship for 15 years and also found out that he was cheating .It hasn't been easy i must say trust is a MAJOR issue to the point that i have lost my connection with the social pipeline,facebook passwords have been given , inc gmy gmail account, no no password on my phone, no going to the pub however, never been a big fan of the pub scene and the clubs etc ( I'm sure you get the point ) we have had our fair share of arguments,where i have just left the house and return the next day one all is calm, ( i have stuck to this regime since i called the police over 16 months ago as yes, she does get violent when she is angry, hover, i have never blamed her of this only try to support her as i am sure a lot of it has come from the previous relationship.However, over 4 years down the line , she has decided she would like to move back to the midlands as she misses her family, however, she is not happy that i will move also, my reason are simple, i am 38 years of age , i am financially secure, have a really good job which is none transferable, my partner is 45 4 children who have all moved on into adulthood except for one. This is my dilemma, we live in a housing association home, my partner has stated to me that she cannot afford to rent a new home in the Midland , therefore she has asked if i remove my name from the tenancy agreement so that she can do a house swap ?? As you can imagine, my reply didn't go down very well, hover, since, for the past 2 months all i have had is verbal abuse. Now, the oldest step daughter and her 2 year old son ( who is also pregnant with another on the way ) is coming to stay , and believe me she is just like her mother and i know x 2 verbal abuse is coming, Ive already had the " if you loved mum you would give her the house " speech over the phone and that i am selfish...... Anyway, despite all of this i still soldier on, i cant help but feel that this is planned to add pressure on top of me to hand the house over, when i asked my partner for how long is she planning on staying all i had in return was " i don't know, she didn't say " my question is , if the pressure gets too much , do i once again, leave the house and return once she has gone ? Do i just hand the tenancy over and be done with it all ? friends and family have also advised me that i could call the police to get her removed as she is causing distress to myself ? I am so lost, my brain is all over the place, any advise will be taken very seriously. Thank you everyone.
I'm sorry but I really don't
I'm sorry but I really don't understand the "tenancy swap" and what exactly a housing association home is. Not sure how that translates in the US housing situation.
But. I will tell you this. You sound miserable. You sound like you are abused. You sound like you are at your wits end.
You also sound like you have the potential of a wonderful future ahead of you - but you need to jettison this woman. If you have a good job, and a place to call home that is YOURS - then tell her she is free to move wherever her little violent heart would like to go. But you won't be part of it and you will not be giving up any rights to housing.
Stop waffling around. You are probably nothing more than a punching bag and meal ticket for this woman. Get out there and live your life. At 38, there are a multitude of younger women out there - who do not have this kind of violent personality nor baggage. Go out and find one!
Can you get some advice from
Can you get some advice from the local housing association as to your rights. There are many different types of tenancy and it usually depends on how long you have been in the house, what your rights are now. No one on this site can advise you about these details because we don't know your particular situation.
What is important is to,get it documented that the relationship (therefore likely the co-tenancy) has broken down. Get a housing officer to listen to your case. You don't want her to pick a fight then be able to charge you with any offences which might hurt your position. Likewise, if she has been abusive, you might benefit from filing a police complaint. Social housing decisions are often made based on criminal charges, so don't let you be the one to suffer.
If you have records of how much rent you have contributed, get all those together, and present an organised case to the Housing. Tell them your dilemma and listen to their advice.
Also, move out temporarily if you must to keep yourself safe, but make sure you have witnesses to why so that she can't claim you abandoned the house. Good luck, don't give up what you have earned and saved.
To steptalkers in the USA: social housing in the UK is complicated. It is a case of length of tenancy with good behaviour, then after a period of time, you can get life time rights to occupancy. This OP needs to get a thorough explanation of his choices by approaching his local government housing association.
Does your housing association
Does your housing association let multiple families or generations to live in the home? I was a landlord several years ago and it was not allowed. It DOES seem like she wants to get rid of you so the relationship is pretty much over. The main goal is to get out of the abusive environment. You have two options: Either you go and let her pay you back for what you have put into the home or stay and have her removed. And do not let the SD move in. You really have the right to live in peace.
That's a good point from
That's a good point from Sandye21 about multiple generations. You might want to include the information about the daughter wanting to move in when you speak to housing. Whatever you do, don't give in to the abuse about signing over the tenancy so she can do a swap. That is complete bollocks on the daughter's part.
Firstly , WOW , thank you for
Firstly , WOW , thank you for such a great response , I didn't expect a reply so quickly I must say , so again thank you. I do apologise to all who are currently residing in the USA in regards to my housing situation ( I should of explained a little more clearer , I do apologise ) we currently rent our home through a housing association , council, government housing , its guaranteed for well ..... ever really asking as the rent is paid on time . The tenancy agreement is a joint tennancy , therefore equal rights. I have spoken to the housing in regards to my current situation in which there reply in a whole as both names are on the tenancy there is nothing much they can do. i do feel that it's all getting to me now , day in day out living in my bedroom, I go to work, I come home , I go to the gym , quick swim then I'm home again , food shower bed, that's my life at the moment. When they arrived at the house this evening I did ask my partner in calm manner for how long is the step daughter and grandson staying for , as god is my witness , her answer was " she can stay all she wants, she's my daughter if you don't like it f***ck off to your mothers !" I have always told her I would support her as much as I can but at least to meet me in the middle , however , I feel like I am being stamped on and brushed out and that there is a On going plan in place . I'm sorry if I sound the " poor old me " scenario , I can assure you it's not , Im just in tatters , family and friends have been there for me but sometimes it's better to hear it from people whom have experience in the same area .
And yes , I do speak Welsh ....
This situation has to be a
This situation has to be a miserable one for you....She does not respect you and clearly she has decided you have no say in your own place. I would check out the rental agreement too and report her if the lease (or housing agreement), is being violated. In the meantime, start making an exit plan, even if you stay in this house. You cannot live your life with a woman treating you this disrespectfully and who is completely insensitive.
The best thing you could do
The best thing you could do is remove yourself from your tenancy and rent your own place. If partner can not afford the rent that not your problem. You are in abusive relationship, and your partner is the abusive one. She probably was in all her previous relationships. Don't think just because she is female that she can not be abusive.
You have the power here, you have a good job, you don't have to stay in the situation where you have no life. You are not married, you have are not responsible for her.
Perhaps you should contact *Mankind Initiative Tel. 01823 334244* Like Women Aid but for men.
For those in the USA, here in the UK if you rent via a housing Association, you can house swap with people around the UK so it easier to move with out having to pay deposits.
Yes, you do know what to do.
Yes, you do know what to do. So do it.
No, you should not give up the house.. and ... the breeder SD should NOT move in. A visit of a few days is one thing but your DW marshaling her toxic spawn to pressure you to give up your home is another thing entirely.
Time for you to dig in and take an assertive stance in your marriage. I understand that your wife had an unfortunate series of experiences in her first marriage but that does not justify her abusing you. Don't tolerate it. The indicators are that it is your DW who was the abusive one in her former marriage. Or at least an equity participant in the abuse.
Any time she gets violent... have her frog marched to the waiting police car in hand cuffs. If her eldest daughter participates... she can frog march right along with her mother and her kids can go into the system. The system has to be a far better place for those kids than being raised by the toxic women in this shallow and polluted gene pool.
I am not usually one to advise ending a marriage over toxic spawn crap but your partner is abusive and you should not tolerate that crap at all. It is time to move on to a new and exciting phase in your life adventure with this shallow and polluted gene pool evaporating behind you.
All IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
Rags unfortunately that
Rags unfortunately that wouldn't happen here, with regard to domestic violence. If OP called the police he would probably have to wait for hours, if at all for them to arrive and then chances are the only thing would be that OP would be encouraged to leave as she has a minor child and he doesn't.
Domestic violence isn't taken as serious as in the UK as it is the USA. It is only if actual harm has happened would she be removed.
He wouldn't be able to keep the property as he doesn't have children, he over 30yrs so the council will tell him they have no duty of care to re house him as he doesn't have children so he will be on his own that's why I feel it will be better for him to set himself up himself and he probably between £600 to £800 per month just for rent.
Thanks for the clarity. That
Thanks for the clarity. That helps.
Regards,
Rags