Need Advice desperately
Yesterday I vented about my SS14 and how I cannot handle to be in the same house, let alone same room with him. After some constructive responses, I realised that he is a 'broken/torn' child who acts out to get attention or love or recognition or.....something. Ok, so I don't like him or love him but I care about his well-being as a child.
How do I learn to accept that he is here to stay, (for 5 years now) eventhough it gets worse every day and every month and every year? He is not necessarily a 'bad' child but he has bad habits and bad socialising techniques which eminate from the BM. Problem is...I am at a difficult stage in my life (40 something), probably pre menopausal (short-tempered, depressed, stressed, anxious etc etc) and every little thing he does annoys or enrages me. Last night FH & I went out to dicuss the way forward in our relationship because he feels that I am on my way out and ready to leave (not REALLY true but the thoughts are growing). All it took was FH to mention that SS14 thinks our domestic helper is stealing & I flipped out horribly! Not because of what he said necessarily, but because 1)he (SS14)has no proof 2)HE (SS14) STEALS & 3)I give the domestic helper lots of clothes, food etc when she leaves..why would she steal from me? Did he bother to come and ask me/tell me about it? NO he runs to daddy & stirs shit. Quite fresh in my memory is when he (SS14) accused the lady next door of starting a fire in the open plot across from our home because he "SAW" (300 meters away) that she was carrying a cigarette lighter! Fortunately SS14 did not accuse her to her face! Why would she do that? Why does he accuse without proof? Why does he stir shit all the time.
Please...I need advice... I am so close to calling it quits but I really don't want to and I need some coping strategies from you very wise and experienced ladies and gents
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I was sure I was going to get flamed on this one!
I guess I am having trouble figuring myself out at the moment...why am I reacting so strongly? Why do I hold these things against him? Why can't I be 'normal again' when FH comes home and be the nice wifey-to-be and suck up all the feelings of resentment and dislike I have for this kid? I want so badly to just forgive and forget.... until the next incident arrives and I blow up again.
I guess things being financially tough for us at the moment doesn't help the situation either. We are thinking of not renewing our lease here (been here 2 years) - we live on quite a large property with lots of space, a 3 bed, 2 bath, pool, garage etc - did that for SS14's benefit because we were in a complex before and he missed having pets and riding his bike. I pushed for us to move here for those reasons. We now have 2 big dogs (which SS14 doesn't feed unless reminded (his 1 and only chore), he stripped both his bicycles, so can't ride them, he just stripped the pool's pump (we in summer here) so kids can't swim unless FH pays to fix it etc etc. So now we are looking at moving next year February...probably back into a complex. Heart-breaking because of the dogs, will miss the pool and will probably have to downsize drastically. Depressing. My point here is, we did so much to try to accommodate him, but it only landed us with extra financial pressure and it is not appreciated. FH says we not going to pander to ungrateful kid's anymore. I agree but will miss this house.
I have already raised a teenage boy and he was NOTHING compared to this child. He looked after his hygiene, he spoke to adults correctly, he behaved "normally" - so all this is foreign to me. I know teenagers can be tough and I do understand the hormonal balances etc, but this kid takes the cake!
FH says he will speak to him, but he always threatens to beat him into submission and compliance (not that he ever does)...I disagree with this approach. Never had to ever do this with my kids. Parent by example is my motto. Instil values and high standards in your children and they will reward you by becoming well-adjusted & respected adults.
Thanks again for the advice.
MG
Counselling is very expensive
Counselling is very expensive in this country, but I am thinking that SS14 needs therapy more seriously than us.
FH & I just need to reconnect with each other again. When we started out 5 years ago we really lived very simple lives, no TV, no luxuries and our fondest memories are of when we used to lie in bed after the kids were asleep and talk for hours with our favorite music in the background, and talk about everything & anything, and cuddle and there were no interruptions, no pressures and no inhibitions. But since we have progressed on our road towards financial recovery, we have lost the simpleness, the fun, the laughter, the special moments. We need to get that back. I so long for us to go away for a weekend into the mountains, stay in a self-catering place with no TV's, no cellphones, no laptops and internet and just re-connect. I always say to FH when he asks me if I am happy..."Yes, with you and within the walls of our room, the moment the door opens, my happiness dwindles"
Thanks HappySearch. I don't
Thanks HappySearch. I don't want to do things with SS14 because as I said previously I can't stand to be in the same room with him....it's terrible I know. Do I want to force myself to do this? No, I don't want to. Why? that's what's elluding me. Maybe it's because I am so mad with him all the time...all the crap he has dealt out lately still fresh in my mind. He gives me the creepies when I am around him. Yet I do alot for him and in the past I have tried to give him advice about how to behave at school etc and he did appreciate it, but then he tattles to his dad about how fast I drove the one day and I get furious again!
Also in maturity he is about an 8 year old. He has ADD but he plays on that to get attention. He has been to so many schools, but gets hauled out because he cannot handle the bullying, yet he teases kids to the extent that they will retaliate and clobber him! I have seen it here at home with him and BD11. She once hit him and he ran crying to his daddy and BD11 got a huge hiding. I was so upset that I loaded BD11 into my car and took a drive to cool off..I wanted to leave then (that was 3 years ago). FH was beside himself. FH never hit my child again.
We did a marriage course last
We did a marriage course last year. It really helped. I want to haul out those workbooks again and go through them with him, to reinforce what we learned. No time.... But I love those courses and seminars! The local churches often run them. We need to go on one again. We learned so much about each other and ourselves! But life is cruel and hard and we have backslidden and become covered in the BS of daily parenting, SParenting & trying to blend 2 very different families(in values & standards). Life sucks, hey!
I do switch off a lot and
I do switch off a lot and retreat to the sanctuary of my room and my best friend, my laptop! FH is a very negative person and I am always cheering HIM up with positives...but me..that's harder! At the moment we are both very down and very negative..not a good place to be in. Years back when I was first going through my separation from my ex and being a single mom for the 2nd time around, I used to drive to the beach, take out a notepad and write down all my blessings. This always amazed me, as the list became longer and longer! I should do that again. I love the idea of smiling when you don't feel like smiling - forced
Last night when FH & I were hotly discussing the avocado pear issue where SS14 claims to have seen our hired help eat (steal)one of my avo's (which was a lie, because I know exactly how many there are and besides, none were ripe at that stage to eat!!) I told FH that he should teach SS14 to rather find something nice to say about someone, than something bad. My mom taught me this and it really works. My mom always told me I looked good, or had a nice blouse on, or I had lost weight, which immediately lifted my mood. Also taught me to smile at one stranger a day to make them feel better which would make me feel better! See..I have all this advice for myself & for others, but battle to apply it to myself!
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your advice, Is1988, but I don't want to be a bitter old woman when SS14 finally moves out! Life is too precious. I have had 2 failed relationships in my life, I don't want this one to be another statistic! I used to be able to shut up but I just can't anymore. And besides, does the bs really stop after they become adults? I also have an adult skid who still impacts on our happiness and emotionally & financially tries to drain us.
MaGoose2010: I feel the way
MaGoose2010:
I feel the way you do sometimes. It's like I can't find my comfort zone anymore; I'm 42 years old and some days I feel like nothing can make me happy. Some days I feel like I can't anymore.
HappySearch said if you look for misery, you'll find it. It's true. Everything my skids do can bother me. I have to make a conscious effort to cope, otherwise I'm stuck in my room on this laptop.
I have recently started taking courses on line for my masters. I'm subbing in the local school and DH and I started going to counseling.
I'm trying to feel better about the choice I made to be with a man with children. I have told my DH to prepare SS22 to leave the nest. I have made efforts to relate to SD16. And I feel better.
Pray for wisdom and patience. Look at what makes you happy and go for it. For me, I love the school environment and so I'm making changes.
I want to be happy. So I'm not letting the skids lead me to my happiness; I'm leading myself.
lisa510 My problem is I try
lisa510
My problem is I try to make everyone around me happy to the extent that I am unhappy...does that make sense? Yes, I do have to find my own happiness within me and it has been a question in my mind and I've googled it numerous times..'how to find inner happiness' I guess it is an ongoing journey into one's inner self. I am also looking into meditation and self-healing. I am a calm person on the outside, but inside I am in huge turmoil...hence all the medical problems.
I started a degree in the 80's (Occupational Therapy) but quit at the end of my 2nd year because exH #1 wanted to get married and my studies didn't fit into his plans. I was young, foolish and being emotionally manipulated. If I try to revive that it will mean 2 years of practical which may be a problem where we live. Also the course must have changed so much in these last 25 years. But I should try to see if I can revive some of the credits and do a social work degree or something like that. I will onece our finances are back on track.
magoose, you sound like where
magoose, you sound like where i was just a few months ago. fighting with dh constantly, not knowing why i was so anxious, depressed, tired and frustrated, couldnt be in the same room with ss17....very similar. i thought long and hard about whether i wanted to continue doing this. i love dh tremendously, but to keep this up and be miserable all the time? is it worth it? i started researching how to help myself first....look at the symptoms of perimenopause, because i'm there too, and its awful. make a dr appt if you need to, or visit with an herbalist to see if there are natural products you can take. (i found one, and its helping a lot). i felt more calm, and less anxious and stressed-its a start. then i ordered "the smart step mom" book and read it......and had dh read his parts too. (there are two chapters for biodads). it opened up discussion about the step situation, and although we still disagree with a lot of parenting stuff....it helped us to start a neutral discussion without fighting. i have also disengaged from almost all parenting duties. its up to dh totally and however his child turns out, its on him. if ss14 is tattling on your helper, say "thats nice" and let it go. he's looking for attention, and he's not going to get it from you. it keeps you in a good place, doesnt reinforce ss's bad behavior, and if there really IS a problem with your helper, you can choose to address it or not.
dh and i also made a "date night" once a week, where we dont go out or anything, but we light candles in our bedroom, shut the door, and talk talk talk talk. no stressful topics, no arguing......just reconnecting to who we once were. we got some "book of questions" books and just talk about them....in the "old" way we used to be. its helping us to reconnect, and also helping our once dead sex life too. lastly, i've been trying to get back some of the old things i gave up that i once enjoyed.......yoga, reading, cooking (on my own time, not big family meals), having lunch with friends, etc. i saw myself isolating with my computer and it wasnt good for me. actually doing things i once enjoyed really helped.
i do feel much better now, and dh and i are closer. i dont feel the pressure to be super mom anymore to a kid who could care less if i was or not. he has a mother, thats her role.
focus on you, magoose. happiness comes from within. i was a total trainwreck, but i feel so much better knowing i am addressing some of the reasons why. you can do it!
((hugs))
Grayskies, you have hit ALL
Grayskies, you have hit ALL the nails on the head! I went to my GP a few months ago believing that I was in perimenopause (I am 44), as I have about 30 of the 35 symptoms! and she said NO. She put me on a low dose contraceptive pill and a hypertension pill (I don't have high BP) but she said the combo would work. It does help with the moodiness to an extent and I do get fewer headaches. But the anxiety is still a daily problem. I take a tranqilliser just before I go to fetch SS14 from school everyday because it spaces me out and I don't give a sh*t when he annoys me. But is this a life?
Our sex life is dead now for many reasons...my resentments, his hernia & prem. ejac problem, my anti deppressants, his smelly breath from his teeth problems etc etc... But we want to get it back on track but everytime we try something is said that spoils the mood.
I started yoga, but because I also have a weight problem, I stopped because I didn't want the whole class of skinnies having to endure the site of my fat a$$ when we bent into a pose. Did I mention I have terrible self image issues which arose from my exH #1 continuously telling me I was as big as a house after I gave birth to our son. Resulting in me not dressing in front of anyone, not even FH (but it's not as bad as it was 5 years ago).
excuse my language, but f*ck
excuse my language, but f*ck those skinny b*tches!
go to yoga...its for you and you only. deep breathing exercises, lots of lavender...it has a calming effect and is great in a long hot bath. meditation, classical music, long walks, volunteer work, hot tea, gardening or just fresh flowers in your house, baking, scented candles, writing in a journal, get a pedicure once a month.....the little things truly do help to bring you back to a good place. baby steps until you can get back in school.....and know, too, you have lots of support and good thoughts coming your way 
thanks Greyskies! you rock!
HappySearch, Depression is my
HappySearch, Depression is my middle name. I have Major depressive Disorder and I have been on medication on and off (only because I couldn't afford it)for the last 20 years since my first marriage ended.
6 weeks ago I saw a Psychiatrist who put me on Wellbutrin XL. I was ready to murder everyone by that stage and saw myself landing up in a mental institution. I am alot better now because I combine it with a tranquiliser, Alzam, which acts quickly and effectively when I need it.
Depression is a daily uphill battle for me...getting out of bed to face the day is a battle for me. Getting through the day is also hard. I am approaching menopause and already have some of the symptoms which also adds to it all. Apart from that I have health issues with my colon, hiatus hernia & hereditary migraines.
I have raised 2 stepteens and 1 bio teen of my own so far, so yes, I know that teens are difficult and take a lot of patience. This is not teen behaviour as I know & remember it. This is something else...a loose cog in the brain? a genetic disorder? or simply bad parenting ot the lack of parenting (SD19 acts similarily - the lying, stealing, tattling, drama creation etc)
FH is definitely worth hanging around to grow old with. He's on my side. He just wants the best for his kids (like I do) he is just not around enough to be the parent I need him to be. It is Friday evening here and he is miles away doing a gig and will be back late tonight and tomorrow morning he goes to work again. So I am alone with the kids and will probably not see him until tomorrow when we wake up. It's always like this. It has to be. He works his a$$ off so that we can survive. I run our own sideline business, a music school, in the afternoons and am a fulltime home exec (housewife). He is definitely worth being with and when the kids go away for holidays, we really do have fun and relax. I go to his gigs with him and we even get to go away for a day and night to the mountains for a gig that he does over Christmas and New Year. We are sooo protective over that time alone! It's a treat for us. But it takes so long to come around every year. We have re-started our date nights but the kids were upset last night because they said that they had no way of contacting us...simply because neither of them know how to send "please call me's" on their cells. I promised to help them with this tonight.
thanks HappySearch! Both you
Wow, super Wow. Grey and
Wow, super Wow. Grey and Happy, you guyz are awesome! Hang in there Ma!!!
Hi Couldawouldashoulda. I
Hi Couldawouldashoulda. I will hang in there because FH is worth it. This is the first real time that I go away from this site feeling really inspired! All the bickering here lately has put me off a bit and eventhough this site is addictive, I had to keep myself scarce!
p.s. I love your avatar and your saying at the bottom...so true