I am one of those that you mentioned and my "fantasy" is actually: 5 minutes alone w/BM, no witnesses and a dark alley. Since we are annonymous....

I do feel under appreciated from time to time.
When I have one of those days (ahem or ) weeks..
I have a mini spa day. Pedi/mani Shampoo and style, whatever..
I try to disengage and refocus

It really does help

Understanding that it's just a fanstasy, I'll still be the one to say this:

Though the feelings of unfairness and imbalance have come up from time to time, no, I don't think about an affair. I would lean more toward Couldawouldashoulda's fantasy. An affair doesn't really bring the kind of retribution that kicking someone's ass would--because it's clear. Affairs are just sneaky and not good playing cards. Maybe you should try kickboxing and try to refocus that fantasy? It doesn't bode well to wonder about having an outside relationship to somehow balance out your current one.

On the other hand, it [sleeping with someone else] probably crosses everyone's mind at some point. Just, you know, don't give it more than passing thought. If you have another fantasy, I'd suggest focusing on the other one more in times of stress.

Nope, I have never felt unappreciated as husband to my amazing bride or as dad to my SS.

I have never considered an affair either. At least not during this marriage.

Though I did have one week long sex filled tender and amazing romp with a blast from my past during my blessedly short marriage to my cavern crotched skank whore of an XW. I don't consider that as cheating.  An amazing beautiful young woman threw me a life preserver and I grabbed it.   I shudder to think of what additional hell of rejection, personal doubt and emotional upheaval I would have put myself through if not for that amazing week.  A person can only take rejection from a spouse for so long before self confidence takes a nose dive and self doubt as to one's worthiness and desireablility sets in.  That young woman saved my life both figuratively and literally. Late in the evening after I dropped that Angel off at the airport to return to MIT after her Spring Break I went home.  When I walked in the house my XW was in sexy lengerie and for the first time in nearly a year since our honeymoon we had sex. That was the only time we were intimate for more than a short dutiful effort on her part.   I had zero guilt.  She probably was wondering why I would break into periodic laughter throughout that rare sex filled night. She probably thought that she was amazing. She wasn't. Which is surprising considering how much experience she was racking up on the side.  18mos later the Judge signed the divorce decree.  

I wish I had possessed the confidence and courage to end it sooner.  I would have avoided wasting a decent chunk of my 20's while my XW was shopping the pooty to any swinging Johnson she could lay her hands, and everything else she had, on. The evening of the day she moved out, 6mos before the divorce was final, I had a date.  And I dated like a fiend for the next 3 and a half years.  The next AM my XW showed up at the house and started banging on the front door when her key didn't work. I  had the locks rekeyed as soon as she and her father drove off with a trailer full of her crap to move her into her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy's home.   I answered the door with a towel wrapped around my waist and a hot blue eyed blonde wrapped in a bed sheet standing behind me.  My my then not quite XW just about stroked out.  It was classic. I enjoyed that way too much.

Thank God that I never got her pregnant during one of the half dozen or so times we had sex during our 2.5 year marriage.  Being tied to that whore for the rest of my life and polluting my gene pool with her would just suck the mighty wong beyond all recognition.

So I completely understand your delving into fantasy land in a crappy marriage.  Not that I would recommend that you act on it. Though acting on it saved me long, long ago in a marriage far, far away.

I have no bio kids, SO my blended family fantasies involve an unlimited media budget so that I can have the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan recorded 24/7 and broadcast their idiot bullshit in a weekly prime time hidden camera reality show. I would dearly love for them to cringe and curl up under their rock when anyone recognized them. "Hey, you are that guy that likes molesting 16yo girls, has four out of wedlock spawn by three different women and does not support the kids. And, hey you, haggy old lady with him. You are his mother who enables his behavior!"

Pure nirvanna.

Best regards,

I feel you, I really do. We had the FSS almost every day this past summer, because FH is a college prof, and his schedule is more lenient than BM. It meant, however, that FSS went to class with FH almost every day (which if I was the dept head would have been stopped, unprofessional), was there when I got home everyday, and basically I had no time to relax. Not to mention, FSS would throw crying fits if FH wouldn't sleep in his room, let him stay up, you name it. Plus, FSS would interrupt when we were talking, to spout some random train fact, and would NOT stop even if we told him we were talking. SO yeah, I felt some resentment. Especially after Night 3 straight of FH laying down with the kid to get him to go to sleep, falling asleep himself, and not coming back to bed with me til 1am. I felt neglected and in second place. Hell, 3rd place because he would roll over if the ex asked him if the kid could spend another night, which put her over me too.

I did think about an affair with an old boyfriend who was interested. But it wouldnt have fixed the problems at home. So I fixed them. I wrote FH a long letter, and told him what was bothering me. Everything from feeling sad and alone when he would be with J at night, to being upset that he obviously was more concerned at "being the nice guy" so the ex won't try to go back to court for more money. He didn't realize how much that stuff was bothering me, because I didn't say anything, I just kept quiet because I didn't want to make him feel like he had to choose between J and me. But now things are MUCH better. I'm glad I took the chance and wrote the letter, because it took the emotion out of a verbal confrontation.

Mine are revenge too! I dream that she takes us to court over somehting stupid and is laughed out of the court room with EVERYTHING she says and the best one is "I'm mom and I am the only one that knows what is best and no judge will go against me."

Under appreciated, uninformed or informed on a need to know basis, etc (BF says "I don't want to upset you.") And, I get really angry. So, I focus on the things I can control (work, clean, hang with a friend) but cheating doesn't solve anything and doesn't enter my mind.

I do however dream of meeting up with the fruit loop one day... she refuses to meet me and refuses to let things between BF and I just be or to allow for proper co-parenting (she cheated on him, yet acts like he can't have a new life and they've been divorced for years.) In this little daydream I have - I grab her by her hair that she spends hours on and scream in her face for being such a jackass and making everyone's life a living hell - she disrupts everything anytime she can - and then show her pictures that would really mess with her mind and her life so she can see what it's like - since her live-in boyfriend is prone to having affairs I'd have a friend of mine who actually offered to do this, lure him into a one night stand, and the rest of the miserable story would write itself. I won't do it. But it would be fun to watch her suffer and I'd surely love to see that - she caused and causes so much.

I'd more love to see BF get 50% custody - but we live in California - the lovely state that doesn't give a hoot for dads. If anyone has advice on good father's rights organizations in the State of CA please let me know.

Thanks - and I'll put the blow dart gun down. Grrrr.

I have 100% thought about cheating. And completely understand the imbalance and have felt that having my own "other person" would make it feel fair.

I’d be lying if the thought didn’t cross my mind. Not for the reasons of revenge, but more so neglect. So neglected that I start to wonder what I would do if some hot guy and I met and got along. Would I ever go so far as to go there? Dreaming of living another life of where I might be now and who with if I had just said no to the first date.

I started thinking about a hot ex hook up a while ago (from years ago) and one night I was so lonely and neglected I messaged him something funny. At the time my partner was away a lot for work, only making extra efforts coming back to see the skids on weekends and go again, I felt so left out and hurt and no amount of talking to him made him understand. He just always thought I needed to be more understanding of poor him and his poor kids.

So anyway, I messaged this ex all night and then he asked me out for a drink. He said to let him know when I’m single. I seriously thought about it but didn’t go. I did however dream about hot sex with him more than once. Now I’m not going anywhere and will try my best to make it work (pregnant) but I definitely still imagine cheating. I have the odd dream of meeting another guy too. This morning a lovely man complimented me on the street (which never happens these days) and I felt like that was the most attention I’ve had in a long time from any male. I thought about it all morning. Sigh.

I would never cheat but I fully agree with the feelings you have about never coming first etc - I'm currently trying to work through those myself. Not easy! Hang in there

I get you! You are justified in your feelings and no judgment here - have a little fun on the side if it makes you feel good! I am of the belief that everyone needs to bring something to the table, because it's all about balance in a relationship. If you think about a young childless couple, there is usually a balance in how attractive each one is, his/her financial prospects, their characters etc. - "water seeks its own level". Life then gets more complicated when you add kids, divorce and remarriage, so the amount of baggage each carries is another factor.

When I got divorced in 2013, I only dated men who were also divorced with kids, because I did not want the inbalance of someone waiting in line behind my kids. However you can never predict how that baggage will evolve over time. Initially I felt resentful of what a pain in the ass DH's ex-wife was (took 18 months for her to get him off her mortgage, was one thing not to mention the ungodly amount of maintenance that dumb bitch gets) and what a nightmare his son was. Now we are 3 payments away from his maintenance to BM ending, SS14 is somewhat better though I see him like 3 times a year anyway, and MY ex-H is the one going batshit crazy. Ex-H took it upon himself to cash out my youngest child's college account and I expect any day my older 2 kids, who are a freshman and junior, will say "Mom, Dad is not paying anymore". I can afford to pay for all their college by myself (though in that case they'd have to kick in some themselves, which I wish were the expectation I had set all along but that's another topic), but that will be a hill to die on and first time of a court battle (we did our divorce pro se, miraculously). Not that I will get anything out of him; he is in debt and has self-sabotaged his life despite not being an alcoholic or anything like that. 

So my point, and why your post resonated with me, is that balance is a real thing and very difficult to maintain over time. But if right from the start there is a huge inbalance, that is a problem. In my opinion, you need to take a step back and think about what you are getting out of this relationship, what is your BF bringing to the table to make it worthwhile? Do you think you'd be better off with a man who does not have kids?

I would need the world's hottest man with a perfect physique, an 8 pack, and a LOT of money to put up with his spawn if I did not have kids. Even a billionaire model wouldn't be enough for me to deal with someone else's kids, because my maternal instincts are deep and fierce but limited only to 3 kids in this world!

I am a childess SM and I know there is an imbalance of sorts but I also have a very loving, supporative DH who acknowledges my sacrifices and does everything in his power to bring happiness and love into my world. I have never thought of an affair or trying to balance out the attention. In our home our relationship is the priority and his child is his responsability. I hate hate hate the ex-wife because she is pathological and crazy and like what was stated above my fantasies involving some alone time with her and my fist. Which is not a great feeling but I don't know how else to deal with her because karma is taking WAY too long. She wants to play the victim then maybe someone needs to make her one. *honestly I am a very kind hearted loving person but this woman gets on my last nerve.

If you feel this way your partner isn't doing it right. The most likely culprit is the inbalance and his permissive parenting by him putting his kids on a pedastol and putting them first constantly. Kids should not be in the roles of adults, running the household, etc. It could also be that your bf does not prioritize your relationship nor appreciates the things you do do for him. I considered having an affair years ago because of these reasons and almost did. I had plenty of oppurtunities but only one man at work seemed to spark my interest who was sweet, caring, attentive and funny. He actually seemed to care about me, not what I could do for him and his kids.  I didn't do it. That is why I left. I'm not a disloyal partner by nature but that constant feeling of being unappreciated, unheard, insignificant not to mention mistreated or disrespected nearly lead me into the arms of another. What you are feeling is normal.

Not childless, but I still feel an imbalance because his child/ex/family are so much more of a burden then mine. My kid was loving and open to him being in his life from the beginning (and is nice to his kid), his dad isnt in the picture so DH doesnt have to deal with my ex, and my family all likes and respects him. He pretty much has all the opposite. SD was a mini wife and a bully, his ex (especially at first) was always causing drama, his mom was also always causing drama. And he didnt get it at all because he didnt have to deal with any of it himself. 

Yeah, at times it has caused enough resentment that I've had thoughts.

Nope, not once, over in the 26+ years that DW and I have been together.  If would not tolerate one second in a relationship like the one you describe.

I realize that there are those who have an "open marriage" and do not have a problem with their partners seeking sex outside of the marriage. However, both partners should be on board.

If a person believes marriage and sex are solely for the couple, that person needs a partner who shares those beliefs. 

If a person believes in an open marriage, they need a partner who is okay with the option of having mulitple sex partners in the proverbial marriage bed. 

But if you are in a relationship and you need to "cheat"? Fix it or get out. IMO.

If you feel unappreciated like that your bf is doing it wrong. If you bring one backpack, and him and his kids have 6 oversized suitcases, you are sitting in the trunk, etc. he is defnitely doing it wrong. It sounds like he's not relationship material and needs to start parenting and prioritizing much much better than he is. The last thing he needs is a relationship. Keep it casual. Keep your options open.

Really old post. 2010.  No. never.  my DH is the handsomest best husband in the world.  always puts me first. we make decisions how to help the family together. 

I have never thought of cheating, but after being treated so badly, I escape in my mind and dream of things to do with the evil SKs I daren't admit to anyone.

Just getting away, moving on alone and picking up the pieces to start again and focus on myself. 
I've never wanted an affair or ever had one. When I commit to someone it's usually to my detriment because I will do everything it takes to stand by that person. But I've realised that as powerful as my love and belief is in the ones I love, if the effort only comes from me there is no hope. I'm coming to see that no man holds the answer to my fulfillment. 
Ive been going through a really, really hard time at home and I've been choosing to nurture my relationships with my girlfriends rather than my husband because I know now that he's absolutley a lost cause and that I deserve a life that's my own. 
So, what really excites me, - what I google late at night from under the duvet, and what I daydream about, is a little apartment in the middle of a new city where I can start totally fresh, furnish as I like without fear of Skids ruining my things, and instead of spending my money on paying DH's bills and debts, pour that money into the friends who are helping me find myself again, and treat them (and their dogs) to an all expenses paid road trip of the Pacific Northwest to make some happy memories together. 
 

That makes me smile so hard. Those are the memories I should have been making in my 20's when I was so desperate to mould myself into the perfect step mom. 

That's my fantasy that I'm working towards every day with each email I send off to real estate agents and every Instagram account of the pacific north west that I follow. I've even slowly been selling surplus things which I bought for DH and Skids which are never used (TVs, iPads, kids furniature) and banking that money to then spend on my friends and a new, better life. 

I am also a no bio-kid wife with 3 stepkids. A girl & 2 boys, grown adults. My story would fill volumes so I won't bore anyone with it but I did want to vent my fantasy. I'd like to go back to being single, having my own apartment again, my own space, my own money, my own time, my own holidays, my own life. Instead, I have constant stress, 2 mortgages, 2 vehicle payments and am pretty much the cash cow here. Now there are infant grand-step-spuds I have to deal with.  My husband called me grandma twice & granny twice the other day  when the one spud was here. I'm holding that anger in. Gonna have to set the record straight on that one.

I've thought of having an affair often but all I have to do is look around at some of the men who are my age and the affair dream fades fast.   LOL LOL  At my 50th HS reunion I was told I was hot by a real 'hottie' and beautiful by a man who never noticed me in HS.  That was enough to last me for a while.