help! I'm drowning in bullsh*t!
Hello Everyone....all you "evil" step parents!
My husband has an estranged adult (28 yrs old) daughter living with us. She has a lot of issues with me....as the cause of the break-up of her parents. Those issues reflect in her behavior and the burden seems to have fallen on me. I am supporting this supposed "independent" woman, but she is mentally 13, at best. She brags about her vendictive behavior towards others, and doesn't seem to realize that she is revealing herself.
She came to live with us about a year ago. She told us she wanted to get her "stuff" together, and we offered to have her come live with us. We did not know her. My husband knew her as a little girl, and I didn't know her at all...but he and she got reacquainted (spel) about 2 years before she moved in. She lived in another state and bragged about how independent and grown-up she was. We have found that this is far from true. Many incidences have happened since she moved in with us. Such as, her not being able to stop at one or two drinks, taking our car overnight without asking, leaving our front door wide opened all night, not flushing the toilet after pooping, not cleaning her bathroom, pigstye lifestyle, "borrowing" things from me without asking...then not returning thm...I have to ask for things back by knocking on her door & asking "can I have this or that back please." Not that I gave permission to borrow them in the first place. His and my relationship is deteriorating, after being together for 25+ years. He has guilt about not being in her life, but her mom did not want him in her life, so she would agree that he could visit then she would take the daughter & leave the house. It seems the daughter either learned or inherited this vendictive behavior. I don't understand it. We ask her for no money for any rent, utilities, car, car insurance, food, etc. We ask that she respect us and our home/things. It's crazy how this girl manipulates. She is never to blame, she is never wrong, and when corrected about even simple things as leaving the lights on all night, she loses her mind. The list of issues is waaaaaay too long to put into a message. I am trying to understand her disrespectful behavior. What I really want is for her to get her act together and be successful...whatever that means in her world...but it has to be success and not cowardice in disguise. In other words, she must save money. She has a job....a decent job....but still she saves no money...and we still don't charge her. In this economy, we are having a hard time making ends meet, but we will not charge her because we want her to save her money & put it towards her future. We can't afford to send her to the college she wants to attend. I suggested she try junior college. The reaction I received was like I was throwing her to the gestapo! There is a sense of entitlement with this generation that was NOT in my generation, and I have a hard time dealing with it. I know people disregard junior college, but let's face it, she's been out of school for 10 years...shouldn't she get her feet wet first? Shouldn't she see what it feels like to pay for her own education? The fact is this girl is not "independent and grown-up." She has a lot of growing up to do.
I wonder sometimes why I am affording her the opportunity to treat me badly. She thinks I am horrible to her because I expect her to pick up after herself and not borrow things without asking....Is it me? Someone....please remind me of why I am supporting her?
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Your a glutton for
Your a glutton for punishment???
If she hasnt been saving money , what makes you think she will ever save any and move out??
She is wayyyyyy to old to be living with you and your hubby.
Personally, I'd give her 60 days to get her shit together and then throw her ass out.
She isn't going to be a successful adult if your husband keeps enabling her and making her a cripple by carrying her through life.
I know you guys think your doing the right thing, but your doing her and yourselves a disservice .
Agreed. She's way to old to
Agreed. She's way to old to be living off you guys. She's a fully fledged adult. It doesn't matter if she has emotional/mental issues or if "dad" feels guilty. He's not doing her any favors by letting her crash at your place and abuse your generosity.
My own parents tend to have this problem of wanting to help and help and help. I had a sister who came to live with them to "get on her feet" and didn't leave for 6 years! She wasn't a jerk or anything, but she lived rent free that whole time while my parents paid higher utilities because of the energy/water usage. It didn't help her much either. She just treaded water for 6 years until she finally moved out. And she wasn't even being disrespectful!
Sink or swim.
Give her a time limit, then remove her from your house. If "dad" wants to comfort himself and his guilt, give her a going away gift $$. Just make it clear that you gave her the last year to get on her feet, and time is out. She can use the money to pay the deposit on her own apartment. (if she's responsible enough)
LOL....OMG...where has this
LOL....OMG...where has this site been for the last year? I have been going crazy here thinking...is it me? KNOWING is wasn't! Thank you for your comment. Honestly, I feel like a fool.(and a doormat...note: this is NOT my usual style!)
good advice! thank
good advice! thank you.
BTW...what is DH?
LOLOLOL....Oh....yes, I see.
LOLOLOL....Oh....yes, I see. I must say, his behavior....or rather....the lack of balls....has been a total shock to me. I never suspected dude was passive. It is not his nature. Every time we "talk" about this subject, and I ask him...."will you back me?" He makes me qualify exactly what that means, and exactly what will be said. Honestly, I think he's afraid of her. It's stunning to me, as a friend and a partner. He tells me constantly that I am overreacting, or "it's no big deal"...or whatever else excuses. The first week she was here, she was rearranging my house! Can you stand it? WHO in the fck does that? She went thru my bills, and "organized" them!!! Since then, she has bad mouthed me on facebook, and keeps making these wallposts, "I need a cheap place to stay ASAP." So, then his family reads her "cries for help" and asks him what the heck is going on over there (his people are in another state). When my sister was staying with us and the two "girls" shared a bathroom, SD (step-daughter/she-devil) wouldn't flush the toilet and would never clean the bathroom. My sister was disgusted. I was sure my sister was exaggerating, so I told her the next time SD doesn't flush, come get me and I will flush it. Sure enough...she is a pig. Here's where I am now.....I don't give a crap. No one is going to make me out to be the bad-guy in her perpetual victim saga. If that means I end my relationship....oh well. Believe me, after 25 years ...and suddenly, I'm aweful??? REALLLLLLLLY? Go fck yourself (I've had some wine...sorry!). So there I am....it's not a good place to be in...I know that, but when it comes down to you against me....I choose ME!
What do you think? What's your story? Is your stepchild adult or still little (or in between?)
You have a major DRAMA Queen
You have a major DRAMA Queen on your hands. She's too old for excuses, she should follow the rules while she lives there and at her age I wouldn't let her live there much longer. She also has no respect for you or your husband. How would she feel if you just up and "borrowed" her stuff without the intent of giving it back? Call it what it is she's a thief regardless of how in expensive the item may be, its not hers to take she should leave her adult mitts off it. I'd give her 60 days and I'd put a count down calendar on the fridge and follow through on it.
Yes...lots of drama.
Yes...lots of drama. Honestly...besides hating me, of course...I think she's just bored! She drinks waaaay too much. Now, it is not lost on me that I have had 2 glasses of wine ....so this is not a petty judgment (i am a light weight and I know it). She will drink to major excess. One night she was having several cocktails and I noticed she was slurring. I said "hey...did you just slur?"...then "ok kid, you are cut off." She walked over & poured another drink. When I said no, she told me "don't you tell me what to do" and ran upstairs with her cocktail (naturally spilling a lot of it on my carpet...but nevermind about me!). She was going to some sort of AA meetings for a while, but when I came downstairs this morning to head out to work, the Vodka bottle was open, a watered down drink was on the couch, along with her laptop opened and still plugged in (like she'd be right back...??. Weird. That was around 6am. When I call her on her actions, she gives me excuses and gives me sh*tty looks. She seems to be more defiant to me when hger dad is around(he is away currently). Is that typical behavior?
Everyone...sorry to be so long winded. I have had NO ONE to talk to about this for sooooooo long, it's wonderful to vent. I feel like myself again! thank you!!!
After reading your further
After reading your further posts and knowing more about her ways, she has GOT to GO. I take back my previous 60 days. I'd give her 30 days.....she sounds HORRIBLE!!
Your not crazy at all, you really need to tell DH her ass is out!
Oh honey. Sounds like she
Oh honey. Sounds like she knows she has a problem since she went to AA meetings. But she's not ready to face her addiction. Sure, why should she? She's got a great place to live exactly the way she wants to live. No responsibilities.
My SS (now 25) is an addict, but clean for more than a year. It was hell when he lived with us. My DH is the absolute love of my life but I would not live the way I was living and I was ready to leave. Well, more like throw his shit out on the lawn on a rainy day. It finally worked out when SS faced his own demons, and I give him huge credit for that.
Your SD will not change unless she's forced to. It won't be pretty. Or easy. The only way your DH can help her is by not enabling her, which is exactly what she's doing. The best way to help an addict is to make them responsible for their own lives.
I think you need to set a
I think you need to set a deadline and tell your husband: "60 days. Either she moves out, or I do." That will tell him you are serious. And forget about asking him to "back you". HE needs to do it!
Make her pay 'rent' and open
Make her pay 'rent' and open a savings account for her. Put the rent money in there. If she doesn't agree, tell her to get lost. Life isn't a free ride and she needs to understand that.
Good grief, it's time to put
Good grief, it's time to put your foot down and you're in the right place for good advice. First off, it's time to get a plan for his adult daughter because she shouldn't be there in the first place. If things are too easy for them, they'll never want to leave. My first step would be to charge her rent. If she can't save, save 1/2 her rent and tell her you'll put it towards her own place. Give her a timeline to get her stuff together and get out. She sounds like a druken mess and she can afford to be because you and DH are her safety net. It's time for her to stand on her own two feet. The gravy train needs to pull into the station. No more free rides. Have a family meeting and give her the move out date so she can start planning. And stick to it. If DH is against it, you have a bigger problem on your hands and need to plan accordingly.
My SD (will turn 28) in a few months and have lived with us since we got married (3 years ago). I moved in w/them against my better judgement. She recently got her advanced degree and has a good job. She's getting married next year, and is saving for the wedding. When I first moved in, she was paying a pittance for rent and I made DH change it to a larger amount and make her buy her own food. The only chore she has is to wash her own dishes and sometimes that will take 3 days so DH has to keep his foot in her behind. Her room is a pig sty and I can't for the life of me understand how she can sleep in it.
DH also did everything for her. He turns a blind eye and is also passive. It's a wonder she learned to drive. She once called him at a business meeting to ask where the can opener was. Not sure who's more pathetic. SD is also mean-spirited, petty, and has been difficult to live with. I've partially disengaged. Fortunately she's gone most of the time, but it wasn't always the case. She's made the first few years of my marriage hell, and while I forgive her, I'll never forget. I'm looking forward to seeing how her marriage will play out. But I already know the outcome. . . . .karma is and always will be a bitch. It keeps me on the straight and narrow.
Before she got engaged I asked DH to give her a move out date for next year, and he refused because he didn't want to "hurt her feelings" so I told him I was leaving instead and I was preparing to do just that when she announced her engagement. All my family/friends can't believe she still lives with us and just the other day a buddy told me "it's time for her to go. " A few days ago, DH stated that they (she and fiance) should wait 2 years to get married and I told him if she didn't get married next year, I was out. He wants her to stay here as long as possible and she seems happy to do just that because she doesn't have to stand up and face the real world. She's yet to set a wedding date and isn't excited about planning her own wedding. In my case, as someone else mentioned, my DH has already crippled SD and I feel sorry for her fiance. He really doesn't know what he's in for.
Get a plan to get her out or plan to get out. Stay encouraged, and good luck.
connolly: Welcome!! Vent
connolly: Welcome!! Vent away!!!
I agree.....PUT her out!!!!!!!! She is GROWN!!!!!! I DREAD when my SD (she devil...LoL! Love it!!) is over 18! I NEVER EVER want SD back in my home and living under my roof....even for a vacation!!!!!!! I just NEVER want her back! Dont know how you do it now.....
Good Luck on getting DH to back you....they just dont...even when the SD is GROWN!!!!!!!! Sad but true....all you can do is stand firm and line your "proof" up for DH.....lay it all out and put your foot down...YOU have much more leverage because your SD is GROWN! Unlike mine and some others here who have minor Skids....:(
Good Luck Sister!!