I am thinking of moving to another state away from my bio kids. I know it will be a big step to be with my future wife. My question is how far do any of us here live from their kids/skids ?
May I ask why you're thinking about moving? I think you need to really spend a lot if time thinking about this. Would your kids feel hurt, and accuse you of abandoning them? Or would they feel ok about it? Would BM increase her PAS campaign? How would this move benefit your kids?
wife to be had plans to move before I came into picture. Bio mom has made it so hard to communicate with bio kids that I rarely see or talk to them. Maybe twice a month.
I have no Bios. My SS-17 is an only child in our home. We have been married for 16yrs.
We have never lived closer than 1500miles to the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. That was by design. SS has 7wks of visitation per year (5wks Summer, ~1wk Winter, 1wk Spring) with BioDad and has rarely missed a visitation. He starts to have behavioral issues a few weeks prior to visitation and we go through fairly extensive behavioral post visitation detox with him for ~6wks after visitation. This has been going on since he was 2yo.
IMHO it is actually healthier to be on a long distance visitation schedule than the EOW/EOWE schedule. Behavioral issues and interblended family tension seem to be less in long distance visitation situations than EOW/EOWE situations.
NCPs time is less poluted by manipulative CPs in long distance visitation situations and CPs time is similarly less poluted by manipulative NCPs.
It seems like you are asking for validation. I think what you should do is ask yourself a few questions, if you are really still in the debating process.
1- Will BM work with you to help you maintain steady contact?
2- Are you going to change the custody/visitation order to fit with the new distance? And if so will BM be cooperative?
3- How mature are your boys? Will this crush them or will they understand?
4- Will BM deliver letters to the boys and allow telephone contact while you are not with them?
5- Do you usually travel a lot or is travel not something you enjoy? If its not, then consider the amount of traveling involved in seeing your children in another state.
Noooooo...... What I am saying is that you should thoroughly prepare yourself for whatever choice you make; emotionally, legally, and otherwise. It's not either / or. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Good for you. If you XW and the kids will not interface with you then there is no use pining away waiting.
When my XW left me for her geriatric Fortune 500 Executive sugar daddy right after she graduated from college (that I supported her through) I waited about a day and a half before I hit the dating scene. I did take 4yrs to work through the grieving/recovery cycle before remarrying but I dated nearly constantly as soon as the XW hit the road. I refused to let her take more of my life than she already had and I refused to be the person I did not like very much when I was with her for one second longer.
That marriage lasted 2.5 years and sucked beyond description (no kids thank God). I have now been married to my current wife for 16 yrs (next month) and we have a great marriage and great family.
Fight for long distance visitation with your kids and hold your XW to the court ordered visitation judgment. Put her manipulative ass through the ringer in court to enforce your rights.
I don't think anyone is saying that it's ok. A lot of people here have troubled relationships with their skids so in a way, they feel relieved that they won't have to see the kids as much.
I think you really need to fight for your kids. Especially based on your last blog. You said your ex will "allow" you to see the kids on Father's Day? How nice of her. I think you need to get a court order established so you can get some basic visitation, i.e. every other weekend.
I think that you can do both. The fact is, from what i can tell, that you are going to move. So who cares if others dissaprove. I agree with the other posters who said you need a court order (desperately), and you need to put that manipulative bitch through the ringer in the court system - it is not her place to "allow" you to see you children; it is your RIGHT to see your children, and the courts can help you with that. Kind of what i meant before about preparing yourself legally. The emotional part is that you have to be ok with your choice and know that you did it for the right reasons for you. No one can tell you how to live your life... all we can do is give opinions.
Pat, idk if it's coincidental that you put this up, but I had a conversation with SO about moving before. The reason why I asked him was because we have friends who live out of state (one in Nevada, one in Virginia, one in Florida), who asked us to consider moving to their states. The only reason he had for staying in NYC was for his son. He doesn't have a job, no apartment, no car. I didn't understand (and still don't), why he would have said that. In my specific situation, SO gets ss9 eow to stay over, plus every Sunday. He picks ss up, then sits him down in front of the television for practically the whole visiting time. I didn't understand how this was "quality" time. Our mutual friends were (and still are) insistent that he can definitely "hook him up" with a job. I also felt that leaving the state could offer SO an opportunity for self improvement, thus affecting ss in a positive way. If SO can find a job, then he can have money to do things with ss, to enroll him in activities, SS CAN HAVE HIS OWN ROOM! Virginia is not even that far away from NY, and eow would not be affected if he was willing.
However, he chose to stay in NY, where he still has not found work, where he still does not have his own apartment, where he puts his son on an air mattress in the same room as he to sleep (we are renting a room from a friend in an apt). I don't see how this benefits either him or ss. ss even asked us when we were going to get a house like his mom, and SO responded snottily that we didn't have money for a house. We don't have money for a house because SO thinks that improving his situation and leaving will mean that he is a bad father to his son.
It's not for me to decide this for him, because SO is the one in control of his own life, but Pat, if leaving is going to improve your life, then I say go for it. A lot of people are of the mind that you shouldn't move "for the kids". I think that sometimes in people living their life "for the kids", many people risk making themselves unhappy, thus causing issues with the kids anyway. I think you should definitely take BM to court so you can get visitation rights, and do what you feel is best for your situation.
I think by posting this question, you already know what you want to do. Do it. Make sure your kids know you love them, go to court, get what you want.. but moving away from your kids does NOT make you a bad parent. PERIOD.
8 and 10
8 and 10
I have no biokids but I wish
I have no biokids but I wish BD would move to Alaska. The no-internet, freezing-ass, live-in-an-igloo part of Alaska. How about that answer?
BM moved SKIDS about 1300
BM moved SKIDS about 1300 miles away...didn't bother me much but it was a lot for DH to deal with....
LUCKY you, poor dh
LUCKY you, poor dh
LOL, yeah until she decides
LOL, yeah until she decides to "nomad" them back to our side of the country!
May I ask why you're thinking
May I ask why you're thinking about moving? I think you need to really spend a lot if time thinking about this. Would your kids feel hurt, and accuse you of abandoning them? Or would they feel ok about it? Would BM increase her PAS campaign? How would this move benefit your kids?
wife to be had plans to move
wife to be had plans to move before I came into picture. Bio mom has made it so hard to communicate with bio kids that I rarely see or talk to them. Maybe twice a month.
I have no Bios. My SS-17 is
I have no Bios. My SS-17 is an only child in our home. We have been married for 16yrs.
We have never lived closer than 1500miles to the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. That was by design. SS has 7wks of visitation per year (5wks Summer, ~1wk Winter, 1wk Spring) with BioDad and has rarely missed a visitation. He starts to have behavioral issues a few weeks prior to visitation and we go through fairly extensive behavioral post visitation detox with him for ~6wks after visitation. This has been going on since he was 2yo.
IMHO it is actually healthier to be on a long distance visitation schedule than the EOW/EOWE schedule. Behavioral issues and interblended family tension seem to be less in long distance visitation situations than EOW/EOWE situations.
NCPs time is less poluted by manipulative CPs in long distance visitation situations and CPs time is similarly less poluted by manipulative NCPs.
IMHO of course.
Best regards.
It seems like you are asking
It seems like you are asking for validation. I think what you should do is ask yourself a few questions, if you are really still in the debating process.
1- Will BM work with you to help you maintain steady contact?
2- Are you going to change the custody/visitation order to fit with the new distance? And if so will BM be cooperative?
3- How mature are your boys? Will this crush them or will they understand?
4- Will BM deliver letters to the boys and allow telephone contact while you are not with them?
5- Do you usually travel a lot or is travel not something you enjoy? If its not, then consider the amount of traveling involved in seeing your children in another state.
Best of Luck.
So, what you are saying is
So, what you are saying is choose bio kids visitation or my future wifes decision to move to another state ?
Noooooo...... What I am
Noooooo...... What I am saying is that you should thoroughly prepare yourself for whatever choice you make; emotionally, legally, and otherwise. It's not either / or. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Motivation is I am starting a
Motivation is I am starting a new family with my future wife and new life. I am not ignoring my bio kids. I don't see them as it is .
Pat, Good for you. If you XW
Pat,
Good for you. If you XW and the kids will not interface with you then there is no use pining away waiting.
When my XW left me for her geriatric Fortune 500 Executive sugar daddy right after she graduated from college (that I supported her through) I waited about a day and a half before I hit the dating scene. I did take 4yrs to work through the grieving/recovery cycle before remarrying but I dated nearly constantly as soon as the XW hit the road. I refused to let her take more of my life than she already had and I refused to be the person I did not like very much when I was with her for one second longer.
That marriage lasted 2.5 years and sucked beyond description (no kids thank God). I have now been married to my current wife for 16 yrs (next month) and we have a great marriage and great family.
Fight for long distance visitation with your kids and hold your XW to the court ordered visitation judgment. Put her manipulative ass through the ringer in court to enforce your rights.
Enjoy your new wife, new wife and new family.
Best regards.
So, if bio mom moves , it is
So, if bio mom moves , it is ok, for bio father to move , it is not ? I don't understand.
I don't think anyone is
I don't think anyone is saying that it's ok. A lot of people here have troubled relationships with their skids so in a way, they feel relieved that they won't have to see the kids as much.
I think you really need to fight for your kids. Especially based on your last blog. You said your ex will "allow" you to see the kids on Father's Day? How nice of her. I think you need to get a court order established so you can get some basic visitation, i.e. every other weekend.
I think that you can do both.
I think that you can do both. The fact is, from what i can tell, that you are going to move. So who cares if others dissaprove. I agree with the other posters who said you need a court order (desperately), and you need to put that manipulative bitch through the ringer in the court system - it is not her place to "allow" you to see you children; it is your RIGHT to see your children, and the courts can help you with that. Kind of what i meant before about preparing yourself legally. The emotional part is that you have to be ok with your choice and know that you did it for the right reasons for you. No one can tell you how to live your life... all we can do is give opinions.
Pat, idk if it's coincidental
Pat, idk if it's coincidental that you put this up, but I had a conversation with SO about moving before. The reason why I asked him was because we have friends who live out of state (one in Nevada, one in Virginia, one in Florida), who asked us to consider moving to their states. The only reason he had for staying in NYC was for his son. He doesn't have a job, no apartment, no car. I didn't understand (and still don't), why he would have said that. In my specific situation, SO gets ss9 eow to stay over, plus every Sunday. He picks ss up, then sits him down in front of the television for practically the whole visiting time. I didn't understand how this was "quality" time. Our mutual friends were (and still are) insistent that he can definitely "hook him up" with a job. I also felt that leaving the state could offer SO an opportunity for self improvement, thus affecting ss in a positive way. If SO can find a job, then he can have money to do things with ss, to enroll him in activities, SS CAN HAVE HIS OWN ROOM! Virginia is not even that far away from NY, and eow would not be affected if he was willing.
However, he chose to stay in NY, where he still has not found work, where he still does not have his own apartment, where he puts his son on an air mattress in the same room as he to sleep (we are renting a room from a friend in an apt). I don't see how this benefits either him or ss. ss even asked us when we were going to get a house like his mom, and SO responded snottily that we didn't have money for a house. We don't have money for a house because SO thinks that improving his situation and leaving will mean that he is a bad father to his son.
It's not for me to decide this for him, because SO is the one in control of his own life, but Pat, if leaving is going to improve your life, then I say go for it. A lot of people are of the mind that you shouldn't move "for the kids". I think that sometimes in people living their life "for the kids", many people risk making themselves unhappy, thus causing issues with the kids anyway. I think you should definitely take BM to court so you can get visitation rights, and do what you feel is best for your situation.
I think by posting this
I think by posting this question, you already know what you want to do. Do it. Make sure your kids know you love them, go to court, get what you want.. but moving away from your kids does NOT make you a bad parent. PERIOD.