Can't get my step daughter to bond with me
I grew up with loving parents, still married for 32 years....so I do not understand what it feels like to have a step parent or anything of that nature. My husband of 3 years, has two children son (13) and daughter (12). We are in VA and they live in AZ, although son is coming to live with us to be closer to his dad. My husband was absent from them for 3 years of their lives due to his own fault...this was when the kids were 4 and 5. Since they were 8 and 9 he's been there 100% and is trying his best. His son, no problem, loves us and no issues at all. Daughter however bonded to her new stepfather who was there since before the divorce (bio mom cheated on dad with this guy)She truly loves him (he is a good guy) and wants nothing to do with her bio dad (my husband). She visits during the summer and christmas but the entire time she texts her biomom on my phone about 30-40x's a day! Her mom tells her not to worry that soon she will be home in az (bio mom is not much help) She acts nice around me and but is just evil sometimes saying things like we're not her parents (says it calmly) she wishes she had her step dad's blood running through her veins....I try to make plans for her and I to do things together but she's only interested in what I will buy her or what she can get from us. I tell her that I know she's unhappy and that while I don't understand how she feels, I will always try to respect her feelings. I tell her she can always express how she feels as long as she is polite. This kid hates me. I just emailed her the other day asking if she wanted to do a "sewing apron" project when she comes next month. She loves sewing and crafty things....no reply yet from the email. I know I'm not her mother and don't want to take her mom's place....I just want us to be one family.
Both her father and I have
Both her father and I have talked about her needing to go speak to someone, if we mentioned this to BM all hell would break loose. We're in court right now settling some issues (we just won custody of son) and we are asking the judge to make the BM take SD to someone to talk to on a regular basis to help her....and thank you so much for replying : )
Maisauntie... I agree with
Maisauntie... I agree with DPW. I think you are handling this the right way. DPW is also spot-on when she cautions against attempting to "buy" SD's love.
Just keep doing what you are doing... being there for your SD, and being open with her. You are acknowledging that she is unhappy, but don't seem to be pressuring her.
One thing that helped me with SD over here is that I would take her out for a little one-on-one time - for ice cream or lemonade or something. And then try to talk about things when it was just the two of us girls. I also would reference some things from my own childhood that maybe she could relate to.
Is there anything that you could talk to her about that you could relate to her on? Do you like crafty things too? How about showing her your "human" side.
I honestly believe that as children grow up, they get to hear stories about their parents as children and it helps them with their bonding.
Just keep trying, but not "groveling". If you do take her shopping, reminisce about your childhood... or find something that she likes and try to relate to her. Once you can get her to relate to you on non-threatening issues, she may open up to you about more serious concerns.
And also, know that some of this is deeper than you alone can handle. She may be holding herself back from bonding with you and DH due to fear of abandonment again. And that is something that can only be overcome with time and patience.
Funny you ask, but I totally
Funny you ask, but I totally am horrible and I mean horrible and home crafts : ) My SD's mom is great, makes her own clothes, hair ties...u name it, she makes it. I know my SD really enjoys those kinds of things, so last summer I bought a sewing machine and began practicing. I enjoy it, but the outome are only things a mother could love. I've made place mats and tried to make a dress (i said tried) She does love hearing stories of my childhood though. One thing i have that she hasn't been exsposed to is a large close family. My entire family gets together for birthdays and holidays and so she enjoys hearing of "when we were young". It's hard because I want to buy her things she asks for because her biomom is on state assistance because her and her new husband will not work...I want her to have the things I had growing up, I want to treat her as if she were my own daughter....but at the same time, when she says "buy me this" or throw things in the cart I get upset. I was raised "well to do" but there was never any importance on money and I was always taught to appreciate what I was given.....She was not, so when I tell her no she thinks I'm being mean...I tell her I'm not being mean and that I love her but that there is a difference between needing and wanting and attitudes play a big role. She just plain doesn't like me, but I'm hoping in time it will change.
Maisauntie - Well, honey, I
Maisauntie - Well, honey, I can appreciate that you tried to be crafty - but if it isn't your gig, then maybe you should not do it. Unless YOU enjoy it... don't try to do what her mom does, you know?
BM and I over here are extremely different people. So generally, what I try to do is somewhat embrace those differences (when I am not being driven crazy by them!! ha!) I think you could actually maybe reach your SD more, if you sort of poked fun of yourself with her, like you are doing above. By saying to your SD "Wow... your mom is great at this... but I really am struggling, or I feel like a first grader" or whatever. Maybe she could then help give you tips??
I understand completely about wanting to buy your SD things, but wanting to buy them with the right message attached. That is something, unfortunately, that you may have to work on constantly with your SD. I think she will get it, but it will take time. And, again unfortunately, I am not sure if that is something that is coming from the BM.
BM over here and the entire BM family is very very materialistic. It's all about what they have, what others have, etc. Granted, they work, but they all have a feeling of entitlement to nice things. For example, DH used to work for a very wealthy man. And BM used to ask DH all the time, "Why doesn't xx just give us some money? He can afford it!" Despite the best efforts of DH and myself, some of that attitude rubs off on SD. She expects certain things and we have to tell her we cannot afford them, etc. We are going through this expectation with colleges right now. So some of your SD's materialism could come from her mom. Do you think that could be true?
All you can do is stay steady in your answers and your lessons. It's never appropriate to say "buy me this" anyways! So DH should be correcting her at that point. She should never be just putting things in your cart. And you both will have to stay consistent and TOGETHER on those messages. Also, it has helped me in the past when I finally have just said to SD... "Why do you think this is okay? " "Why is it okay for you to just tell me to buy you something? " Sometimes, by bringing their attention to their own behavior, it stops them and makes them think.
I hope things get better for you.
Sorry to hear you're having
Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time! It does sound like you are doing the best you can in the situation though.
Like others have said, it sounds like A LOT of her issues with wanting to bond with not only you but your DH are very deeply-rooted. I liked the suggestion about a counselor, if your SD would be willing to go.
As far as buying her things, trying to bond, etc. I think you're on the right track - buying love never works and be open to but not begging for her to bond with you. Another thing to keep in mind is that 12 is a tough age. There's a lot going on mentally and hormonally development-wise around that age - when I was 12 I'm sure I was an absolute pain in the ass of a SD ;). Keep doing what you're doing, keep your head up and don't close that door that you've been keeping open for her - with time and maturity, I think she'll come around.