We got custody of my DH's son(13) and is coming to VA from AZ to live starting next month. Bio mom says she's keeping all of son's personal things at her house. Can she do that?
She had all his things packed he wanted to take like books, model cars, legos, etc....she was going to mail them early and now she changed her mind because she's made at us. I feel bad for my SS.
When we first talked about it, she already let us know my DH and I would be incurring 100% of the cost to ship his things here. My SD will still be living with BM but those are girl things. My SS wants the things we bought him as gifts like his collectable lego items (about 15 sets), model cars, golf clubs, his skateboard, books and his movies. I'm hoping she'll change her mind. She's mad at us right now because SS asked me to sign him up for football so we did and BM wants him to play golf only. He can do both.
That's just it, she knew about the football. She had to measure my SS so I could get his Jersey. She never said anything about it till last night. I went down and signed him up because my DH was working. But me, DH, BM and SS talked about what sports he was going to play ahead of time. Personally I didn't want him to play sports his first semester so he could focus on school (curriculm on East Coast is harder than what he is used too in AZ). After she emailed me SS sizes, I emailed her back and let her know I would send her the football info after he was signed up so she would be kept informed.
There is a reason for her to be pissed about him coming here to live because she'll be hurt, but there's no reason to be pissed about football. The discussion I had about not wanting him to play sports during his first semester was only between DH and I. Once we came to an agreement he could play sports we then involved BM to get her opinion and asked SS what sports he wanted to play. My DH explained to me that being new to school it would be better to let him play sports because one it will let him meet kids his own age, and sports will keep him on a schedule and out of trouble...therefore I agreed with DH...but my first instinct was no.
I'm not sure if she legally can but I would assume yes, although the items you guys have bought him personally are a little bit much for her to try and keep.
Short of going there yourself and trying to get at least those things, I don't know if there's much you can do. I would suggest just taking the high road with this petty woman and try to pick up some things for SS yourselves.
It angers me for you and for your SS that she's not only being so immature with you and your DH but also punishing the child in all of this.
My thoughts when BM kept SS's things, She has to look at them and feel the guilt for keeping them. She eventually gave him some of his stuff back, I think she figured out how crappy it was to keep her kids things and what the heck is a 50 year old woman gonna do with a 17 year old at the times things.
BM did this to us too. Go get him new things. It will be fun for him.
Also, its your house, if he wants to do an activity your DH approves of, he should be able to do it. We have had SS for 4 years and BM is still angry. Good Luck.
I also am pretty sure that she can keep whatever she wants, although if she's doing it out of spite she sounds like a total bitch because the person who is suffering is her child, not you guys.
Usually when parents split, the division of property, including kids stuff, is divided then and it's harder to get things fairly split after that. We went through this too, but for the most part, we didn't want anything from BMs and H's life together, so for the most part we had to get them all new everything. It really sucked, but at least we had a fresh start and we don't have old things lying around the house to remind any of us of BM or when she and H were together. When H first left BM he took his own things and family heirlooms from his side of the family and left the majority of his stuff and the kids stuff. In retrospect, he wishes he hadn't been so nice about some of the stuff, especially because BM was such an entitled bitch about thinking she "deserved" to have everything just because she wanted it. The only thing we were able to get, and we had to get it court ordered, was to have all the pictures of the kids put on a disc so that BM and H could each have a copy of all of the baby pictures etc...
DH left the majority of his stuff and stuff for the kids because he knows what a horrible provider BM is and so he knew that if he took all the stuff he bought and provided, his kids would be left with no beds, no furniture, no kitchen table, no computer etc...He left one family heirloom, his childhood bed, but he said he'd rather have his son have a nice bed to sleep in for sure and leave it with BM than fight to get it here and then have SS sleep on the floor or an air mattress at BMs. Most of the electronic stuff he left for BM (video game consoles, computer etc...) were broken by her or the kids almost immediately (something she illogically blamed on H). There have been a few things that H has realized he left with BM that are his and if it was really important he asked for it, but other than that we keep our stuff totally separate.
It was really expensive to get the kids all new stuff, but it's possible to get nice stuff if you shop extremely carefully and check out garage sales, thrift stores, discount stores and online. My skids bedrooms look really nice and like we are a lot wealthier than we are, but it's only because we've worked so hard to find them nice things and get deals. Even though BM gets tons of CS a month, she doesn't provide for the kids anyway, so we end up paying for most everything anyway. The money aspect really sucks, but the benefits are good to keep in mind so you keep your spirits up. First of all, I love that the things in my home have all been chosen by me, my husband, or gifts from loving friends and family. When I see the boys looking loved and well cared for in nice clothes that I got for them, sporting nice haircuts that I gave them and wearing nice, new shoes that we bought for them, I feel really good knowing that we are able to provide for them and the world can see that someone loves them enough to invest in taking great care of them. After being with BM, they look disheveled, depressed and their hair is greasy, shaggy and unwashed and their clothes are dirty, rumpled and not matching. SS5's nails grow really fast and both the boys need haircuts about every two weeks to look groomed and BM doesn't do any of that. We have picked up SS and his nails are so long and dirty that they are curling and he can't hold a pencil! I trim his nails now right before a long stretch with BM just so he won't suffer as much from her neglect.
These situations are just unfair to the kids more than anything. It hurts us financially to have to do all the upkeep AND pay child support that isn't going to the kids, but it's worth it to have them be taken care of and feel nurtured and loved. It is very, very true that when kids look back at their youth and childhood, they will know which parents loved them and provided for them and which didn't and selfishly put themselves first. What goes around comes around and it's better to be in the right and have things be unfair, but be there for your kids as opposed to being the parent they remember not being there and not providing for them properly.
This BM is being a nasty person and a bad mother and is obviously too stupid to realize that her kids are the ones being hurt and that they will turn on her eventually when they fully realize how much she let them down. I'm sorry the burden is on you, but kudo's to you for taking better care of your child than it's biological mother is!
I also am pretty sure that she can keep whatever she wants, although if she's doing it out of spite she sounds like a total bitch because the person who is suffering is her child, not you guys.
Usually when parents split, the division of property, including kids stuff, is divided then and it's harder to get things fairly split after that. We went through this too, but for the most part, we didn't want anything from BMs and H's life together, so for the most part we had to get them all new everything. It really sucked, but at least we had a fresh start and we don't have old things lying around the house to remind any of us of BM or when she and H were together. When H first left BM he took his own things and family heirlooms from his side of the family and left the majority of his stuff and the kids stuff. In retrospect, he wishes he hadn't been so nice about some of the stuff, especially because BM was such an entitled bitch about thinking she "deserved" to have everything just because she wanted it. The only thing we were able to get, and we had to get it court ordered, was to have all the pictures of the kids put on a disc so that BM and H could each have a copy of all of the baby pictures etc...
DH left the majority of his stuff and stuff for the kids because he knows what a horrible provider BM is and so he knew that if he took all the stuff he bought and provided, his kids would be left with no beds, no furniture, no kitchen table, no computer etc...He left one family heirloom, his childhood bed, but he said he'd rather have his son have a nice bed to sleep in for sure and leave it with BM than fight to get it here and then have SS sleep on the floor or an air mattress at BMs. Most of the electronic stuff he left for BM (video game consoles, computer etc...) were broken by her or the kids almost immediately (something she illogically blamed on H). There have been a few things that H has realized he left with BM that are his and if it was really important he asked for it, but other than that we keep our stuff totally separate.
It was really expensive to get the kids all new stuff, but it's possible to get nice stuff if you shop extremely carefully and check out garage sales, thrift stores, discount stores and online. My skids bedrooms look really nice and like we are a lot wealthier than we are, but it's only because we've worked so hard to find them nice things and get deals. Even though BM gets tons of CS a month, she doesn't provide for the kids anyway, so we end up paying for most everything anyway. The money aspect really sucks, but the benefits are good to keep in mind so you keep your spirits up. First of all, I love that the things in my home have all been chosen by me, my husband, or gifts from loving friends and family. When I see the boys looking loved and well cared for in nice clothes that I got for them, sporting nice haircuts that I gave them and wearing nice, new shoes that we bought for them, I feel really good knowing that we are able to provide for them and the world can see that someone loves them enough to invest in taking great care of them. After being with BM, they look disheveled, depressed and their hair is greasy, shaggy and unwashed and their clothes are dirty, rumpled and not matching. SS5's nails grow really fast and both the boys need haircuts about every two weeks to look groomed and BM doesn't do any of that. We have picked up SS and his nails are so long and dirty that they are curling and he can't hold a pencil! I trim his nails now right before a long stretch with BM just so he won't suffer as much from her neglect.
These situations are just unfair to the kids more than anything. It hurts us financially to have to do all the upkeep AND pay child support that isn't going to the kids, but it's worth it to have them be taken care of and feel nurtured and loved. It is very, very true that when kids look back at their youth and childhood, they will know which parents loved them and provided for them and which didn't and selfishly put themselves first. What goes around comes around and it's better to be in the right and have things be unfair, but be there for your kids as opposed to being the parent they remember not being there and not providing for them properly.
This BM is being a nasty person and a bad mother and is obviously too stupid to realize that her kids are the ones being hurt and that they will turn on her eventually when they fully realize how much she let them down. I'm sorry the burden is on you, but kudo's to you for taking better care of your child than it's biological mother is!
Ya, in my state she would be able to do it too. God but she should let the poor kid bring his personal stuff - maybe he could appeal to her? thats really awful. just make him feel as safe and comfortable and at home as you possibly can...poor kid. im sure you'll do a great job.
Unfortunetly Yes well atleast
Unfortunetly Yes well atleast in IL she can. Happened to us when SS was 17 we ended up buying him a new bed, dresser and clothes.
She had all his things packed
She had all his things packed he wanted to take like books, model cars, legos, etc....she was going to mail them early and now she changed her mind because she's made at us. I feel bad for my SS.
When we first talked about
When we first talked about it, she already let us know my DH and I would be incurring 100% of the cost to ship his things here. My SD will still be living with BM but those are girl things. My SS wants the things we bought him as gifts like his collectable lego items (about 15 sets), model cars, golf clubs, his skateboard, books and his movies. I'm hoping she'll change her mind. She's mad at us right now because SS asked me to sign him up for football so we did and BM wants him to play golf only. He can do both.
That's just it, she knew
That's just it, she knew about the football. She had to measure my SS so I could get his Jersey. She never said anything about it till last night. I went down and signed him up because my DH was working. But me, DH, BM and SS talked about what sports he was going to play ahead of time. Personally I didn't want him to play sports his first semester so he could focus on school (curriculm on East Coast is harder than what he is used too in AZ). After she emailed me SS sizes, I emailed her back and let her know I would send her the football info after he was signed up so she would be kept informed.
There is a reason for her to
There is a reason for her to be pissed about him coming here to live because she'll be hurt, but there's no reason to be pissed about football. The discussion I had about not wanting him to play sports during his first semester was only between DH and I. Once we came to an agreement he could play sports we then involved BM to get her opinion and asked SS what sports he wanted to play. My DH explained to me that being new to school it would be better to let him play sports because one it will let him meet kids his own age, and sports will keep him on a schedule and out of trouble...therefore I agreed with DH...but my first instinct was no.
I'm not sure if she legally
I'm not sure if she legally can but I would assume yes, although the items you guys have bought him personally are a little bit much for her to try and keep.
Short of going there yourself and trying to get at least those things, I don't know if there's much you can do. I would suggest just taking the high road with this petty woman and try to pick up some things for SS yourselves.
It angers me for you and for your SS that she's not only being so immature with you and your DH but also punishing the child in all of this.
My thoughts when BM kept SS's
My thoughts when BM kept SS's things, She has to look at them and feel the guilt for keeping them. She eventually gave him some of his stuff back, I think she figured out how crappy it was to keep her kids things and what the heck is a 50 year old woman gonna do with a 17 year old at the times things.
BM did this to us too. Go
BM did this to us too. Go get him new things. It will be fun for him.
Also, its your house, if he wants to do an activity your DH approves of, he should be able to do it. We have had SS for 4 years and BM is still angry. Good Luck.
I also am pretty sure that
I also am pretty sure that she can keep whatever she wants, although if she's doing it out of spite she sounds like a total bitch because the person who is suffering is her child, not you guys.
Usually when parents split, the division of property, including kids stuff, is divided then and it's harder to get things fairly split after that. We went through this too, but for the most part, we didn't want anything from BMs and H's life together, so for the most part we had to get them all new everything. It really sucked, but at least we had a fresh start and we don't have old things lying around the house to remind any of us of BM or when she and H were together. When H first left BM he took his own things and family heirlooms from his side of the family and left the majority of his stuff and the kids stuff. In retrospect, he wishes he hadn't been so nice about some of the stuff, especially because BM was such an entitled bitch about thinking she "deserved" to have everything just because she wanted it. The only thing we were able to get, and we had to get it court ordered, was to have all the pictures of the kids put on a disc so that BM and H could each have a copy of all of the baby pictures etc...
DH left the majority of his stuff and stuff for the kids because he knows what a horrible provider BM is and so he knew that if he took all the stuff he bought and provided, his kids would be left with no beds, no furniture, no kitchen table, no computer etc...He left one family heirloom, his childhood bed, but he said he'd rather have his son have a nice bed to sleep in for sure and leave it with BM than fight to get it here and then have SS sleep on the floor or an air mattress at BMs. Most of the electronic stuff he left for BM (video game consoles, computer etc...) were broken by her or the kids almost immediately (something she illogically blamed on H). There have been a few things that H has realized he left with BM that are his and if it was really important he asked for it, but other than that we keep our stuff totally separate.
It was really expensive to get the kids all new stuff, but it's possible to get nice stuff if you shop extremely carefully and check out garage sales, thrift stores, discount stores and online. My skids bedrooms look really nice and like we are a lot wealthier than we are, but it's only because we've worked so hard to find them nice things and get deals. Even though BM gets tons of CS a month, she doesn't provide for the kids anyway, so we end up paying for most everything anyway. The money aspect really sucks, but the benefits are good to keep in mind so you keep your spirits up. First of all, I love that the things in my home have all been chosen by me, my husband, or gifts from loving friends and family. When I see the boys looking loved and well cared for in nice clothes that I got for them, sporting nice haircuts that I gave them and wearing nice, new shoes that we bought for them, I feel really good knowing that we are able to provide for them and the world can see that someone loves them enough to invest in taking great care of them. After being with BM, they look disheveled, depressed and their hair is greasy, shaggy and unwashed and their clothes are dirty, rumpled and not matching. SS5's nails grow really fast and both the boys need haircuts about every two weeks to look groomed and BM doesn't do any of that. We have picked up SS and his nails are so long and dirty that they are curling and he can't hold a pencil! I trim his nails now right before a long stretch with BM just so he won't suffer as much from her neglect.
These situations are just unfair to the kids more than anything. It hurts us financially to have to do all the upkeep AND pay child support that isn't going to the kids, but it's worth it to have them be taken care of and feel nurtured and loved. It is very, very true that when kids look back at their youth and childhood, they will know which parents loved them and provided for them and which didn't and selfishly put themselves first. What goes around comes around and it's better to be in the right and have things be unfair, but be there for your kids as opposed to being the parent they remember not being there and not providing for them properly.
This BM is being a nasty person and a bad mother and is obviously too stupid to realize that her kids are the ones being hurt and that they will turn on her eventually when they fully realize how much she let them down. I'm sorry the burden is on you, but kudo's to you for taking better care of your child than it's biological mother is!
I also am pretty sure that
I also am pretty sure that she can keep whatever she wants, although if she's doing it out of spite she sounds like a total bitch because the person who is suffering is her child, not you guys.
Usually when parents split, the division of property, including kids stuff, is divided then and it's harder to get things fairly split after that. We went through this too, but for the most part, we didn't want anything from BMs and H's life together, so for the most part we had to get them all new everything. It really sucked, but at least we had a fresh start and we don't have old things lying around the house to remind any of us of BM or when she and H were together. When H first left BM he took his own things and family heirlooms from his side of the family and left the majority of his stuff and the kids stuff. In retrospect, he wishes he hadn't been so nice about some of the stuff, especially because BM was such an entitled bitch about thinking she "deserved" to have everything just because she wanted it. The only thing we were able to get, and we had to get it court ordered, was to have all the pictures of the kids put on a disc so that BM and H could each have a copy of all of the baby pictures etc...
DH left the majority of his stuff and stuff for the kids because he knows what a horrible provider BM is and so he knew that if he took all the stuff he bought and provided, his kids would be left with no beds, no furniture, no kitchen table, no computer etc...He left one family heirloom, his childhood bed, but he said he'd rather have his son have a nice bed to sleep in for sure and leave it with BM than fight to get it here and then have SS sleep on the floor or an air mattress at BMs. Most of the electronic stuff he left for BM (video game consoles, computer etc...) were broken by her or the kids almost immediately (something she illogically blamed on H). There have been a few things that H has realized he left with BM that are his and if it was really important he asked for it, but other than that we keep our stuff totally separate.
It was really expensive to get the kids all new stuff, but it's possible to get nice stuff if you shop extremely carefully and check out garage sales, thrift stores, discount stores and online. My skids bedrooms look really nice and like we are a lot wealthier than we are, but it's only because we've worked so hard to find them nice things and get deals. Even though BM gets tons of CS a month, she doesn't provide for the kids anyway, so we end up paying for most everything anyway. The money aspect really sucks, but the benefits are good to keep in mind so you keep your spirits up. First of all, I love that the things in my home have all been chosen by me, my husband, or gifts from loving friends and family. When I see the boys looking loved and well cared for in nice clothes that I got for them, sporting nice haircuts that I gave them and wearing nice, new shoes that we bought for them, I feel really good knowing that we are able to provide for them and the world can see that someone loves them enough to invest in taking great care of them. After being with BM, they look disheveled, depressed and their hair is greasy, shaggy and unwashed and their clothes are dirty, rumpled and not matching. SS5's nails grow really fast and both the boys need haircuts about every two weeks to look groomed and BM doesn't do any of that. We have picked up SS and his nails are so long and dirty that they are curling and he can't hold a pencil! I trim his nails now right before a long stretch with BM just so he won't suffer as much from her neglect.
These situations are just unfair to the kids more than anything. It hurts us financially to have to do all the upkeep AND pay child support that isn't going to the kids, but it's worth it to have them be taken care of and feel nurtured and loved. It is very, very true that when kids look back at their youth and childhood, they will know which parents loved them and provided for them and which didn't and selfishly put themselves first. What goes around comes around and it's better to be in the right and have things be unfair, but be there for your kids as opposed to being the parent they remember not being there and not providing for them properly.
This BM is being a nasty person and a bad mother and is obviously too stupid to realize that her kids are the ones being hurt and that they will turn on her eventually when they fully realize how much she let them down. I'm sorry the burden is on you, but kudo's to you for taking better care of your child than it's biological mother is!
She is a totall bitch and
She is a totall bitch and does it for spite. Show her it does not bother you and you are better than that.
Ya, in my state she would be
Ya, in my state she would be able to do it too. God but she should let the poor kid bring his personal stuff - maybe he could appeal to her? thats really awful. just make him feel as safe and comfortable and at home as you possibly can...poor kid. im sure you'll do a great job.
My ex sends my kids to school
My ex sends my kids to school in rags when it is my day to see them. It is terrible and a totall disrespect to the kids.