BF and I are not very good at talking about issues we have face to face so this is what I sent him this morning so that he can hopefully try and understand where I'm coming from:

I wish that we could talk about this without both of us getting so mad that we get nowhere but we are how we are and neither of us are likely to change in that manner. We’re both better at writing things out so that’s why I’m emailing you. I’m not pissed, I’m not even upset, I’m just sad that I’m not allowed to be a part of things. The reason that I got upset about last night is because we had talked about SD9 giving $5, you matching it and me paying the rest. But then as soon as I walked away you struck up an alliance with her (the old you two versus me battle) and told her she didn’t have to donate anything, all she had to do was a couple of chores.

This is from the website http://learningtogive.org/parents/raising/section1/03venture_into.asp under the section for 9-11 year olds. I looked at it yesterday to make sure I wouldn’t be asking too much since it’s always been a struggle for me to figure out what’s too much for a kid her age and what’s appropriate. I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to sit down at dinner and talk about giving and that giving is just as good as receiving, especially for people like us who have everything that we could possibly want. Christmas is coming and we’re all going to get more so I just thought it would be nice for us to all give as a family to an organization that really needs some help and that’s also something that she cares about. I purposely walked away to get in the shower to give her time to think about it before we had dinner and talked. Granted I should have told you that's what my thinking/plan was (I know you can't read my mind) but we never got the chance because by you stepping in and overriding me a.) now I’m the evil stepmother and b.) it made the whole thing look really sneaky, which I’m sure it wasn’t intended to be but that’s how it seemed to me. I thought that you and I had come up with a solution for how to do this and if we’re going to be the ones to teach her good things, we need to be united, not one person always overriding the other one, especially when the other one’s not in the room. I feel like that tells SD9 that she doesn’t have to pay attention to me and that you two will keep doing what you’ve always done, regardless of me being in both of your lives. You always say that you want me to be involved but every time something like this happens, your actions show that you don’t even though that may not be the case. It’s not about the money AT ALL, it’s about working together as a family, not two separate parts. I feel like every time I try to do something “involved”, I get shot down from all directions. Doing chores is great but it would have been nice to be given the opportunity for us to discuss it and figure out as a family what those would be.

Encourage Giving
Your children are now old enough to set aside a part of their allowance for charitable giving to a nonprofit organization or cause they care about. Help them write to an organization to request a copy of its annual report or other literature, or suggest they visit the Web site of an organization. The wealth of giving opportunities and the diversity of nonprofit missions is well represented on http://guidestar.org .

Involve your children in decisions about causes that your family supports financially. With your help, your child can begin to do research, using the Web or a number of printed resources for youth (refer to “Related Organizations and Web Sites - Children's Projects in the Learning to Give “Resources page” to find organizations linked to causes he cares about. Make this activity a family event