4 year old step son issues
Well me and my wife met about three years ago. When we met she had a 1 year old son. Back then his bio-logical father would baby sit and spend some time with his son. Of course his idea of dealing with son was letting him get into anything he wanted while his father and his friends sat around and got drunk and did drugs. Everytime we went to go pick up our kid he would smell like weed. Not only that but whenever his dad would see me he threatened to pull me out of the car and beat me up. He was and still is a job less drug dealer. Eventually we let him see his son less and less as time went by until eventually we just wouldn't answer the phone calls anymore. Well things got scary quick. He started leaving messages saying he was going to kill us all and put us in body bags. The problem was that he was serious. This guy was a real psycho. He had even been in a psychiatric detention center for trying to kill himself. We reported everything to the police eventually but they didn't do anything about it. He had a long criminal record (all minor stuff) but he would never get busted for anything serious like he should have because it's sad to say but he was a snitch for the police and when he got caught for coke and drug dealing he would just sell out everyone involved and he would walk for it. Eventually we went to court for a custody battle. Fortunately his true colors showed in the court room, he failed his drug test, and he didn't ever pay child support because he didn't have a job. The judge gave him an hour of visitation every two weeks though when it was done.
After awhile of that we were fed up and wanted a new life, so I joined the military. When I was done with my training I returned home and packed up our belongings for our new out of state home thank god. The court granted us to take our son with us but that when we returned home and was back in the county we were to notify the courts for visitation (lets just say that never happened).
Time passed at our new home and we were happy for awhile. We had a daughter (shes 1 now) and we barely heard from that drug dealing piece of crap father of his. But after awhile things started to fall apart quickly. The problem was that our son as he grew up I noticed that he was a spitting image of his father. He could have been his twin. I don't know why but it seemed to really get in my mind that he was his father. I started to punish him more and more often. Nitpicking everything that he did just so that he would get into trouble and I could punish him. I guess I was doing it to make sure that he grew up right. The thing was that it was working. As he got older he was the perfect little kid that did nothing wrong and I am so proud of was so proud of him for that. But it all came at a price. He started to fear me. When i would come home from work he would have to walk on egg shells around me to ensure he wouldn't get into trouble. he started to have anger issues. He would get mad at every little thing (us, his sister, when he colored outside the lines of his pictures). Not only that but at daycare he would call kids names, be mean to them and get violent. I knew it was all my fault and I fealt terrible about it for ruining a perfect innocent kids life basically.
Now it has gotten so bad that it has brought our marriage to the brink of divorce, I can't stand my own son, and it is effecting my work because I'm drinking and staying up late all the time so I don't sleep. The only thing that keeps me happy is my darling daughter that I love so much. I love my wife and I know down underneath the problems I love my son too but these things are getting in the way. I'm just triyng to give my family everything that they want. Does anyone have any ideas that could help me out? I would really appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
I think the first question would have to be
Have you spoken to a professional about this in all these years?
This is just a little four-year old boy. And it sounds like his only "crime" is his close resemblance to his birth father.
However, that resemblance has given way to signifigant effects in all of your lives...
*he's now feeling your resentment and acting out
*you're feeling guilty and drinking
*your marriage is in jeopardy
And again, I reiterate...he's only four. He's not a teenager who's gotten into drugs or lying or stealing. What would do at THAT point????
You have got to get to a counselor NOW and (I am not being condesending here, so please don't take it this way, ok?) you have to 'get past' the resemblance issue this little boy has.
He may look like his father is every way. He may walk like him. He may talk like like him. But he IS NOT HIM. And you have the power and the positive influence to change what he could grow up to be.
And right now, it's not looking so good for him because of how you are treating him. He's feeling totally rejected by you. And that may be just the self-fulfilling prophecy you ordain for him- to have him be rejected by the only father-figure he has in his life WILL set him on a course to end up JUST LIKE his birth father.
I urge you to not let this happen to this little boy. If you really care about him and love your wife, then get to a counselor as soon as possible.
Best of luck to you.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Dude
Dude, You need to get some serious counseling. It make me mad to think that you are treating a little child like that because of the way that he looks. You need to get counseling and the child needs to be invited to participate so he can get help too. Your family needs to have a round table meeting and you need to tell this child in front of the family that you are sorry, that you are wrong and ask for forgiveness. Hopefully, the chid can forgive you and get better himself before its too late. The child has got some strikes against him; bad genetics and the example that you have set for him but he can get better. He's acting ike a mean little bullly because the example has been set for him.
Second that
These are not issues...they are hang-ups, and they're all yours. Just imagine how you might feel if your wife constantly criticized you every time you turned around. Do you not think that you would get frustrated and react? Four-year-olds react the only way they know how, just as this little boy is doing.
And just remember...you will never have any problems that will be made better with alcohol. So put the damn bottle down, get your head out of your ass and quit picking on this little kid. Be the man that the Almighty intended you to be!
GET HELP NOW
If your wife is a good mom, she will eventually protect both of her children from you and leave. You're here because you want help and that is TERRIFIC. But this is a WAAAY bigger problem than a message board can help you with. You are in the military? They offer free therapy. If not, go to a church, if they can't counsel you they can direct you to someone who can. For God's sake, he's FOUR YEARS OLD. How would you feel if someone were doing that to your daughter? You recognize you've made mistakes and that takes a big man. Keep being a man and do whatever you need to for this child and your family. You're most important job in the world is shaping these two children into emotionally healthy adults. You don't get do-overs in parenting.
You should really try to
You should really try to reconnect with this child. Show him love, even when he misbehaves and try to form a better more connected relationship. You are his only male rold model. I will say at 4 yrs old, a lot of kids get mad easily because they haven't yet learned to control their emotions. My son angers quickly too. This is somewhat normal, but you really need to step in & make some changes FAST. Spend good quality time with him & control your anger ALWAYS. No yelling, hitting etc. You need to behave the way you want him to behave, and he needs to know that you love him. I think fixing your relationship with him will help fix your marriage, if this is whats causing the strain. BE COMPASSIONATE. You can't change the past, but you can chage today and everyday after that.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
You have made the first step...
by recognizing what you are doing wrong. There is nothing wrong in discipline and wanting your child to be good but with that discipline needs to come ALOT of loving on as well. Do not hold it against SS that he looks like his dad that is not his fault. Seek the counselor help for sure and remember to take time to stop and love on your SS and praise him for good. what does your wife say in this all?
I hear you
and thank you all for your replies to my post. I agree with you guys that I need counseling. Both me and my wife have brought it up many times before but we haven't done anything about it yet. I think I needed to hear it from some outside sources about how serious this is. I try so hard everyday but it makes it harder on me to be that sensitive guy because of the way I was raised. My dad never hugged me or told me that he loved me. He wasn't a bad dad because of it. He was always there for me every second of my life and I knew that he loved me. Actually that's the problem that we had today. I was leaving for work today and my son said bye. I told him what I usually say "bye buddy" then give him a good ol' rub on the head. I turned and gave my daughter a hug and a kiss, when I turned back around my son said that he wanted a hug and a kiss. I didn't know what to do because my wife was there. When he wants those things in front of my wife I just can't bring myself to do it for some reason, but when it's just me and him I have no problem giving hugs and kisses. Naturally she got very upset and wouldn't let me leave the house and got in my face about it in front of my son just like she always does. Any suggestions would be great on this.
PRAYER! New@ Life
PRAY MAN! Go to CHURCH and ask GOD to take this away from you! If you don't feel comfortable in front of a crowd, get with some men who can lay the power over you. RELEASE THIS from NEW@LIFE IN JESUS NAME!
Ask your wife for forgiveness and your SS.
I too have issues and need prayer!
Acknowledging your wrongs is the first step. Hang in there, you sound as though your heading in the right direction and seeking some help.
Treat your SS as your D in all ways.
Witcheepoo