Things That Annoy Me, In No Particular Order.
(I'm going to a counseling session with SD and DH Thursday...the two of them have been to this counselor without me on numerous occassions, and counselor requested my presence for the upcoming appointment. I started making a list in preparation and thought I would share)
Things That Annoy Me, In No Particular Order.
1. I don’t think an 11 year old should get ready by herself in the morning and leave the house without seeing a parent. DH thinks this is fine apparently. I try to get him to wake up and go check in with SD in the mornings, but he just keeps sleeping.
This is not my job. SD doesn’t want me getting up and directing her in the morning, and it stresses me out too much anyhow. But DH should be doing it.
2. Disrespect. Apparently this is my fault though...I earn disrespect by expecting respect and getting upset when I don't get it or some crap. DH says that when I let SD see that she has upset me by her behavior, she wins some kind of battle....he may have a point her. I do need to work on not letting SD effect me.
3. No boundaries. SD is up until all hours of the night. DH says, "its christmas vacation, and plus she knows she’ll be grumpy, let her decide." She is 11 – her parent is supposed to be guiding her as to what is appropriate...she is supposed to learn from him about how to care for herself. She is learning that its okay to stay up until 2:30 or 3 a.m., and then just sleep all day long. This is not a healthy habit!!! And yes, DH, she may know that its going to make her grumpy, but OBVIOUSLY she does not have the judgment to make the right decision about that....
4. SD is on the internet on her laptop in her room at 1 a.m. She is 11!! Why isn’t there a rule about this? The rule when we got her the computer was only online in the living, and you ask before going online. This rule is not enforced. If it is to be enforced, it will be ME who enforeces it, because DH is too lazy/uninterested to do it himself.
5. Speaking of rules that are not enforced…..for the most part, NO rules are enforced unless I do it! “No more than 2 hours of TV a day.” DH and I discussed this and agreed it would be a rule in the house. Nonetheless, the rule does not get enforced unless I do it. Basically, DH has created a situation where either SD lives without rules completely, or I have to be the bitch.
6. Even when DH tries to enforce rules, he fails because he’s not focused, and SD knows it. Example: The other day, DH tells SD, “eat your food in the kitchen.” (This is a 'rule' because SD is a slob and drops her food everywhere). She momentarily complies. He comes into the living room, and she follows him in with her bowl of soup, sets it on the coffee table, sits on the floor and eats right in front of him. HE DOESN’T EVEN NOTICE!!! So, once again, either this just gets let go, or I have to be the bitch.
7. DH claims what he is doing is "choosing his battles." I think he just doesn't want to deal with SD. She can engage in the same exact behavior 5 times, and only be disciplined for it twice. So what would compel her to not just do what she wants? Most likely, she's not going to face any consequence for her action anyhow. She is smart enough to realize this. In fact, she SAYS it all the time, "See, Jess, he didn't even notice! If it wasn't for you I'd be able to do [insert offense]." (She said exactly that with the soup incident above, see No. 6)
MY THOUGHTS AFTER READING MY LIST:
I started this list to complain about my SD because I was ticked at her. I read it over and realized that just about ALL my problems come from DH.
SD wants to do whatever she wants. This is normal and not her fault. Of course she wants no rules. She’s a kid.
If we want her to comply with our requests ever, then we need to be consistent so that she realizes that rules have to be followed.
DH thinks I am some kind of rule-nazi. He thinks I want parental control for the sake of parental control (that is what he accused me of when I talked to him about her staying up until 2:30 a.m....he said, 'why does she need to go to bed, she doesn't have school tomorrow...you want control for the sake of control....). This really isn't true. I am NOT some kind of Nazi....IMO, SD should not be precluded from questioning rules or discussing whether specific rules are appropriate. However, she SHOULD BE precluded from simply disregarding rules because she wants to.
SD is not an adult. She is 11. She still needs guidance about what is good for her. See numbers 3 and 4 above.
TO BE CONTINUED.... 
I agree with you
Dh and I have the same kind of conversations. We make rules and then he lets ss slide on them. Or like you said, ss could break a rule right in front of him and he wouldn't even notice. Especially if he's watching tv or something. Then you can just forget it.
Every school night, ss tries to push his bed time. More times than not, it's me that has to get on ss to get ready for bed. Ss will take forever to get ready for bed and it will be passed his bed time. Ss will come out and sit right next to Dh watching tv and Dh will say nothing. I don't know how long they would sit there like that. Ss knows that he can get away with things with Dh.
Why are they like that? You're so right. The parents are supposed to be teaching the kids what's right.
Dawn
Jess, this is so funny
I have had conflicts with DH on EVERY one of these issues:
1. Same thing. DH wouldn't check on SD in the morning before she left, then she'd try to be late for school and "miss the bus" and try to get someone to take her. That would be me, but I refused. So she would get her friends' parents to come by.
2. Don't even get me started on that. Since when are kids allowed to speak badly to adults, whether they like them or not?
3. No bedtime for SD. When school started her freshman year and she was still staying up to all hours I asked DH, "When is SD's bedtime?" And he said, "I don't know." Which means there isn't one. Way to set her up for success in high school.
4. SD's computer is in the basement. So she "pretends" to go to bed because DH goes to sleep early (about 9:30 pm). Then she sneaks out of her room down to the computer and spends hours there. DH was surprised when I pointed this out. He thought she was in bed for the night.
5. For rules to be enforced with SD15, there would have to be some! DH told me that BM basically says SD can do whatever she wants as long as she doesn't get pregnant, and I really think DH feels the same way.
6. DH has a no food around the computers rule, but SD will take her dinner downstairs right in front of DH and he never notices.
7. Inconsistent discipline is the rule here. DH was complaining once about he can ask SD to do something ten times and she never does it. I only have to tell her to do it once. The difference? I follow up and enforce, and I don't "ask."
I agree, DH is the problem in your situation the same as in mine. If he would just see if being a parent doesn't equate to being "mean," things would be so much better!
I understand how you feel.
I understand how you feel. Except for the age difference everything you have posted about your SD makes it sound like the same kid lives in two different households. Your situation sounds identical to what mine was.
I cannot really give you advice but just let you know what happened to us in our case. We had different issues come up in our home with my sd. The main conflict was a difference in parenting when it came to Dh and his ex. There were things that were allowed in moms home that we did not want allowed in ours.
When these issues came up, SD went out of her way to make up stories. She did not tell the truth about any of the issues we had. Instead she made up her own versions of what occurred. She then ran home to mom and then more was added to the stories that she had started.
Consequently one thing led to another and SD and mom started proclaiming mental cruelty. Shortly after that SD refused to come to our home. She has not stayed here in over six months and it’s currently a court issue that is fueled with false accusations that have nothing to do with the facts.
The one thing that I have realized through all of this and I can say this because we did not have SD living with us is this. Yes, pick and choose your battles; if the child is not yours leave it up to the parent to parent.
If the parent chooses not to parent then they will have to live with person that they have assisted in creating.
I worried when I first met DH and before we were married that how SD was would be a reflection on me if I did not assist him if he needed help. But I would rather have people think that I stepped aside to let the actual parents parent then be accused of doing anything either mental or physical to a child.
I raised my own children and they never accused me of mistreatment. I was not an advocate of corporal punishment. Not that I believed it would hurt them if it was handled correctly but we seemed to fair far better with the removal of items or activities for periods of time. Time out from friends and activities was a far worse punishment for misbehavior for my two.
I have not ever been mentally cruel to a child nor would I ever be. But with putting my two cents in now I have been labeled as such. Even though we know for a fact that these accusations are false and just hearsay the damage has already been done. The worry that I had concerning the reflection on me as an adult concerned for the wellbeing of my SD has been overran with being labeled a mean and cruel person.
Mom’s attorney even went so far as to label Dh and I. He called DH things that I know came from SD mouth. He also stated in his paperwork that DH’s new wife was toxic to the relationship between SD and DH. Number one I am not new. I have been with this man and child for over six years. Yet again another lie. I don’t know who told who what when they went into the attorney’s office but I fully believe that they have told this attorney that I just came into the picture. No mom’s attorney I was there with SD the whole first summer while mom was trying to find herself.
Again this is just advice no two people’s situations are the same but I hope you have better luck. Your SD is just 11, wait until she’s my SD age. Sometimes it doesn’t get better. For you sake I hope so.
Goodluck!