From "Lover" to "Daddy"
Just found this forum this morning, excellent resource.
I'm not a step-mom yet, step-girlfriend I guess you could say. I met a wonderful man and we began dating about six months ago. He's got an amazing daughter whom I love dearly, and who adores me. I feel lucky for that.
However, like most of ya'll, I'm having difficulty dealing with the situation. There are many issues, but for this post I wanted to bring up something I read on here this morning that made me laugh and feel better.
I got a hoot out of several posts that referred to DH as "d**k head!" One especially pertaining to the switch from lover to dad when the kiddos arrive. I'm so relieved to find out it seems to be a common thread and I'm not the only one. It can be so amazing and special when just the two of us are together, then when he switches to daddy-mode, the relationship is totally and completely different. We all become friends on an equal level, having fun together and most of the time I enjoy it. But there has been less "us" time recently and more family time, it is wearing on me because there is no romance or lover present. Just Dad. I don't want dad, I want my man. Can't there be both? But I'm trying to be strong for the sake of the relationship.
Anyways, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this, and wanted to hear others' commentary.
I can relate....
To your situation because I am a "step-girlfriend" and met my guy about the same time as you. He has three children and I get the same relationship. Don't get me wrong because I love his children and he's a great dad, but I do miss our time together. I don't know your living situation, but the only thing that saves me sometimes is the we live in different states and when he visits me he's alone.
I enjoy that time togethe because when I visit dad is back. I guess if we we see a future with these men we'll have to accept the lover and dad at the same time.
Good luck!
Your man needs to be both
I can't say that I have ever felt that. Maybe it for dads that are non custodial. DH has full custody of my SD and so we have always been full time parents. But even when we are in full family mode, he gives me special attention. Sitting at Chuck E Cheese with the kids, he will rub his leg on mine, or wink across the room at me. He will lean over kiss me, kids or not. He will come up to me while I am playing with the kids and whisper something very flirty. Or, text me a sexy message or picture even tho we are in the same room so the kids won't hear. It actually makes it fun to try and hide our flirting and builds up the sexual tension. Maybe you could try to let BF know that you are glad to devote time to his kids and love them but would appreciate some small gestures during the course of family time to let you know he is still thinking of you in "that special way". I know it really helps us. Just get it cleared up before the BF becomes the DH (and in this case it is dear husband) because if not, then you will be posting like the others o here about how much their DH's are ruining their lives (then it will mean D#*%head!!!)
And I love that he's both...
I'm just being selfish!! I love that he's a wonderful dad and devotes so much time and attention to his daughter.
He's got her two nights a week, afternoon and next morning too. We all have a great time together, like I said, but he doesn't show the affection like your DH does. You're right, I should let him know how I feel during family time. How bout a nice pinch in the butt to let him know my heart's still beating! He's also going through a stressful time with work so I know that inhibits the mood... but we need to communicate. I have a tendency to just swallow things down and deal with them myself, I know that's not the healthiest way to start a relationship.
Not Selfish!
You aren't selfish at all. I experience the same thing and DH and I end up bickering when we first get SS because he gets into "up tight daddy" mode. Yes, we only have SS every other weekend, so that might be the issue. Anyway, you didn't say how old SKids are ... my SS is 4, so when he takes his nap - DH and I get alone time - and when he goes to bed (around 9pm) same thing. So, I get a little of DH "romance" while we have SS, but we bicker a lot more when we first get SS. It's like it takes him a day to adjust to being "daddy" now. Weird!
~ Katrina
I get the same thing....
when we're all together, my BF calls his two girls and myself the same names "honey" sweetheart" and "goodnight beautiful". One time we were all in the same room and my BF walks in and says "honey" can you.... and none of us responded because we didn't know to whom he was speaking to. When we are alone he calls me baby and does not use the other words.
I don't mind daddy mode, but it was nice havng him all to myself for the weekend.
Had that conversation with mine!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
"I admire that he is a daddy, but this guy acts as though he as given birth to them and they are still on the breast; his breast that is"!!
LOL
My DH sure did not like when I said "Think you should just try to be the best Father you can be instead of trying to be his Mother too-this is a man/child for crying out loud"!
We have two ways of living in our house-when I am there it is all macho between them-when I am not home DH reverts to trying to be Mommy and Daddy as Zippy's mom abandoned him in DH eyes and complete with babytalk caters to this kid like crazy-talk about guilt parenting! I have a 6" hairy entitled toddler 24/7.
There can be a balance...
There can be a balance between lover and daddy, you have to work hard to get there. Me and my husband carve out a time each day dedicated to just us where we can talk and connect....its hard especially when you are dealing with stepkids. You might not get 24 hours of "lover" time, but you learn easily just to cherish the 5 minute moments that you have. 5 minutes can last a lifetime....stay in the moment.
'
'