oh hell no!

How old is this little douchebag again? doesn't matter, old enough to say things like that is old enough to pay the price. She needs to learn that it is NOT acceptable to say whatever you want in the heat of anger and expect everything to be okay later b/c you are mad. The silent treatment is too good for her, she should be on serious punishment in every feasible way but only at the end of a long conversation about how wildly inappropriate her comments were.

It sounds like this girl has some really deepseated resentment issues here. These are things that need to be addressed both in family and individual counseling. I would suggest you get her there ASAP, what if she hurt the baby?

I'm sorry to get so worked up over this, but I really think there are too many people in this world walking around saying whatever the hell they want, with the expectation that that an apology (or in this case not even) makes it all better, and that's simply not the case. Words hurt, and the sooner this little brat learns that, the better!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I am so concerned about you with a new baby around. The kid needs serious councelling and if your hubby doesn't think so or thinks her behaviour is just normal step kid behaviour, then I'm sorry but he needs a reality check. Your baby should not be living in a house with such an angry girl who says those things. I am not in the USA but I hope you can find someone to help you. Is there a CPS or child health worker you could have come out to see how she acts?? I'm so sorry Jess, you don't deserve this

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

If I had a baby and my SS was walking around stating her wish me and the baby was dead and why don't you divorce her then my H would beat his son to a pulp! Now no doubt my H WORSHIPS the ground that his son walks on but H is the first to break bad on SS if he is out of line. However about 2 years ago when SS's mom was pregnant SS was so unruly with her...it was horrible. He would kick her, hit her and yell at her while she was pregnant and at the same time be so clingy to her it was sickning. I am not sure if he was clingy and mean all at the same time b/c he had issues about the baby coming or not. He was 6. Anyway he has acted out at Target with his mom and threw himself on the ground and kicked her over a toy. Well she got him in the car immediatley and called his dad and told him his dad was gonna whip him etc. SS was screaming and crying that he hated his dad and his mom. H told SS I will see you tomorrow. Well next day I went to pick SS up and all hell broke loose. He kicked me, pulled my hair, told me he hated me, tried to jump out of the car while I was backing out of the driveway, and bit me. I let him out of the car and told him his father would be back to get him. All the while his mom just stood there and let him act like that. H went back to get him and tore his tail up. I could hear SS screaming inside the house and I was waiting out in the car. H had to hold SS in the back seat of the car all the way home b/c he was trying to jump out again and the whole time saying he hated us and wanted his mom's boyfriend to get us and beat us up. Well needless to say I was tore up.... felt like I needed to drink and drink heavy tore up. I was so angry with SS for a long time. Now H was angry with him as well but tended to his basic needs and was loving on him long before I was. The next morning I took SS back to his mom's for school and said nothing to him as I was still angry but more than anything hurt. BM had the nerve to call H and tell him that I was being a bitch b/c I did not tell SS bye that morning and that he was just a kid! That lit me up. If it were not for BM's hateful attitude and lack of respect btw her and her son it would have never happened. If I was BM and my son was treating another person like that regardless of who it was I would have went and got a switch and stripped them legs I would not have stood back and watched. It is hurtful that she did this to you and my ss did this to me b/c we have poured so much into these children and cared and loved them as our own and how dare you treat me this way and then to see their parents act like no big deal is just salt in the wound. I am so sorry that she said those things to you! I know how it must have hurt. I was angry for a long time with SS after that happened. Writing about it brings back up bad feelings about it. There have been occasions over the past 2 years where I have reminded SS of how he treated me that day and he cannot look at me in the face when I mention it and does nothing but lay on me and tell me how much he loves me and what a good step mom that I am. I know that SS knew what he was doing was wrong but the forces(BM) that was driving that bad behavior was something that he did not even have control over. Your H needs to let SD know that she is not allowed to prance around the house shouting those things as they are not acceptable and if she cannot act any better than she can just stay in her room. You do not need that crap after just having had a baby or anytime for that matter! H needs to get over being mad at you and direct that towards his daughter in the form of he is upset with her for her actions and will not tolerate them. H needs to get back in the bed with you and quit letting SD win cause that will only make things worse. I am so sorry for you for what happened. I will pray for you some strength and for your H to direct his feelings at the true culprit and stop using you as the scape goat b/c he is afraid of being that angry with his daughter who stated that she wished his other child would die. And to close I would do as little as possible for her as you can get away with until you have healed over this!

Head Up Young Person!

Even after getting an apology from DH- I just don't think that's enough in this case. Sophia's welfare is at stake here.

For your SD to say such horrible things to you and about the baby- I would NOT let even a simple apology from SD be the end of it, either. The other posters are correct- this girl needs some serious help. And your DH CANNOT let this behavior go unchecked!

I know you love your husband, believe me, I do. But now you have your little one to consider. This time in your life should be a happy time in your life- NOT a time when your worrying about whether or not Sophia's safety is going to be compromised by this girl.

I would tell DH to get the girl some professional help-NOW. Put your foot down. She cannot continue to say and do these horrible things to you.

You need to put you and Sophia first.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

have to put up with this type of behavior from a child! That said, you should NEVER EVER feel like your husband doesn't take your safety and the safety of the baby seriously. What your SD did is wrong on so many levels. I have been there done that, so maybe my experience can help you.

SD was 10.5 when BD5 was born. Like your SD, mine didn't want a little sister. She wanted daddy all to herself. She was very bad for me, but only when my husband was NOT around. For example, she threw our cordless phone at me one day while I was holding infant BD. Another time she tried to slam a door on me, again while I was holding infant BD. Both times, BD nearly got hit in the head.

I completely lost it. I reamed SD good for her behavior, then told her father when he returned home. I made it clear that this type of behavior from SD was a deal-breaker for me and unless he wanted another failed marriage and another part-time kid, he needed to deal with it NOW. He didn't like that much, but BD's safety was too important to me. Absolutely make the biggest stink you possibly can. The silent treatment is not going to work in this case.

I also refused to do things for SD that she did not appreciate. I used to drive her to school in the morning but the day she slammed my van door and told me she hated me was the last time I did that. And I made it clear to my husband that I was done. He didn't like that much but I am an adult and can make my own decisions. Negative behavior receives negative consequences. (And, in fact, we ended up in marriage counseling and the counselor told my husband my methods were perfectly legitimate and well-accepted in the psychiatric community.)

Your baby is too small to stand up for herself and needs you for that. Don't feel bad about putting her first. What worked best for me was to no longer put myself in situations where SD could cause such a scene. So I wouldn't have gone to pick her up, and if I had everyone would have been damn grateful and SILENT on the ride home. Your husband needs to get a handle on that child, that's all I can say.

You know, Jess, life is short and you don't have to put up with this kind of crap from an 11 year old hellion. I agree with Elizabeth that this kind of abuse--yes, ABUSE--is a deal-breaker.

My concern for you is that if you ignore the little bitch, she perceives that as weakness or you condoning her bad behavior. You can surely expect more of the same, or worse, in your future. And your baby's future. She'll only get more aggressive.

My concern for the hellion is that she is learning that it is OK to unleash her rage on people, even adults WITH NO CONSEQUENCES. Unless her dad steps up to the parenting plate and enforces limits, his beloved daughter is going to go through hell in school and life. Does he really want that for her?

For the remainder of his life, my DH has to watch the train wrecks that are his pathetic adult children who never learned limits or proper behavior from their parents. Drug addiction, homeless shelters, bad relationships, alcoholism, and soon, prison are their stories.

I continue to write in this forum with the hopes that others--like you--can see what the future holds for them and their children if they don't start setting personal limits, standing up for their spouses, and parenting their children NOW.

There's a solution.

She has NO right to behave in this manner...Insulting her baby sister? Making threats?

If my SD11 acted like that towards me....she would not be allowed back in my home. Seriously. Don't care what the ramifications were.

DH is enabling her to act this way and HE'S the one that needs to whoop this little girl into shape. Period.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

You have my sincerest apologies. I think it's time to put your foot down, and for the sake of the baby, (her hearing is just developing, and she doesnt need this,) you need to tell your husband- it's standing up to the behavior, or there will be consequences.

Best wishes.

If your husband doesn't get her help right away, this is going to start to affect your baby. Screaming can be very scary for babies, I hope your husband realizes what he is allowing. I would leave with the baby if I were you, if he refuses to do anything about her. You don't want your own child to witness behavior like that!

OMG.. Jess. My heart aches for you. I think if it were me, I would have turned the car around and told her to get out and told DH that next time, just call and let me know that you are broke down, but you wont be doing that ungrateful child any favors.

I can not BELIEVE that your dh was mad AT YOU!?!?!?!? I mean.. COME ON... If anything, he should be IMPRESSED that you didnt strangle her in the car. I would have been so ticked, as you were, but I probably would have put her in her place.

I guess the honeymoon period w/Sophie coming home has ended, and her true self is coming back out.

I know the mom is not fit, but is there someone else that could take her? Perhaps BOARDING SCHOOL!!! oh.. get the pamplets like Sita Tara.. lol.. have them mailed to your house and have them on the kitchen table. Maybe then she'll smarten up.

Hugs to you

You need to spell it out. I don't mean to come across harsh here but I think you need to hear it.

Okay, you are a LAWYER!!! You of all people know how to stand up for what is right. FIGHT!!

You get your DH alone when SD is out of the house and tell him how it is going to be. Be honest. Not hateful but factual.

SD said these things which meant something, right, and that means that you now have these concerns for your safety and your new baby's safety. Even if he thinks that little precious would never do anything wrong...that is not the answer here. Do you think that any of the parents of the messed up kids that did the school shootings ever saw it coming?? No way. Explain all this that way. Tell him that you have even thought of leaving if it weren't for you deep love for him. Make him see what this is doing to you!!

Tell him that you and he are going to sit her down and that you are willing to do all the talking but that he is going to back you 100% unless he wants to loose you and his new baby.

Then you get that little girl in counseling, tell her about it, and inform her and one more glimmer of an incident like the one she pulled will not be tolerated and she will no longer be welcome in your home and that is just sad for her!

I really mean all the warmth possible here. HUGS to you!!:) You are in the profession of my dreams and I wanted to remind you of that passion that probably drove you to it in the first place too!

She's gonna be 16, 17, 18....then WACK ! That's what happened to me. I wish that you wouldn't wait for that to happen. Little missy 11 sounds like she could really do some damage to your baby girl, and if she does...then what? DH, would he act like to just didn't happen? A serious conversation needs to happen. Even if it ends in an ultimatum.......Good Luck and God Speed !!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Its such a precious time for you, DH and your new baby. I hate that this childs behaviour is spoiling it for you.

Thing is, kids are always going to push the boundaries as much as they can. And then a little further.

Its DH's responsibility to take the lead in disciplining his daughter and let her know that the fact her parents split up is sad, but is NOT an excuse for bad behaviour and disrespect.

She needs to hear from him that she is loved, cherished and wanted as a part of his family, but she won't be welcome at the house until she can behave better and show some respect.

I agree with the rest of the ladies here Jess. This behavior cannot go unpunished. The least this kid should do is give you an apology - she should be grounded until she is 30 and definitwly in some kind of therapy. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this. Please let us know how things turn out.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

is your DH out of his flipping mind???:) When I read your post I could not believe that your DH puts up with your SD's attitude. What if she had really grabbed the wheel hard and you had been in an accident. Is that what it takes for him to see what a tyrannt she is. You can not ignore her behaviour - and DH needs to take this seriously - what kind of man let's an 11 year old child take to HIS wife that way and then gets mad at YOU? Are talk to anyone with disprespect for that matter. I'm sure you have done nothing to this child and have bent over backwards for her. He should be spanking her butt. Everytime she disrespects you she should be given a time out, no tv, no ipod, no computer no nothing. Let her stare at all 4 walls. I haven't followed up on all of your posts but it sounds like you have put up with this for a long time and you all need to go to counseling to get this situation under control - you should be happy with your new baby girl and your husband right now - not putting up with SD's bs and your DH making you out to be the bad guy. For now I would not even let her in your home until you go to counseling and she gets her behaviour under control. I would seriously be afraid she would hurt the baby after all her comments. As someone mentioned above they will be getting to be 14, 15, 16, and if this isn't taken care of she is only going to get worse and make your life and your new BD life hell - just think of how she will treat your precious little girl. Good luck to you Jess and stay POSITIVE - do not let your husband try to put this crap on you. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this and my heart totally breaks for you to have to put up with that mess.!

Hi

I don't blame you for being mad with you sd. That is bad her grabbing the wheel and wish both you and your baby girl dead. What if you had an accident. For one you need to tell sd that she was well out of order and that she could not only have killed you and you lo she could of killed herself. As far as the comments tell her how much this hurt.

To be honest with it probably seems like you got it in for her but actually I think you been pretty good. Your good going all that way to meet you dp with a 3 week old baby. Are you super woman. My god I don't drive but i would have gone at all.

I think she loves the baby but then she sees how much time is taken due to you feeding, changing etc. She feels probably a bit pushed out but this is not yours or babys fault.
It's horrible that now she is causing problems between you and dp. Unless your dp has seen in you that act differently towards your sd now you lo is born with is natural. Its not your fault but you all need to sit down and get everything off your chest. Hopefully as your sd gets older she will get better. When your lo does get bigger things will get easier. Waking up in the night and dealing with sd would be difficult.