Geez, where do I start?
I have been a pseudo step-mother for two and a half years. My husband (non-custodial) has three kids (14, 21, 25) and I have 3 (25, 26, 27).
Mind you, the home we live in is mine (prenupped tightly). I am 53 and he is 48. My kids are all college grads.
His 21 year old called on Saturday night and wanted to stay the night if it got too late (she was out with her friends, probably drinking)for her to drive to her moms house (where she lives.)
Her father told her to be home at 1:00. Her mother's curfew is 12:00. She defied her mom with this phone call. She actually got home at 2:30am. So she defied her dad too.
He made her call her mom and tell her that she came home at 2:30. They sat and watched tv all day and "bonded".
I had to leave the house because I can't stand watching/hearing basketball all day.
I feel like the camel took over the Arab's tent.
Am I being crazy or selfish??????
This is why 21 year olds should not live with Mom or Dad
She is trying to buck a midnight curfew. Not surprising as she is 21 years old. She is old enough to make her own decisions, including how late she stays out.
The problem comes in when they still live with you when they are old enough to be making decisions, because no matter how old they are, 21 or 31 or whatever, you are still going to worry about them when they stay out late, therefore you are still going to try to enforce a curfew so you can stop worrying at some point.
Why is she living with her Mom? If she lived on her own, nobody would ever be worrying about how late she got home.
Is she physically disabled, mentally challenged or ill? Because if she is able bodied and of normal mental abilities, why can't she get a full time job and move out?
I agree!
She is fit and able bodied. She doesn't make enough money to live the way she wants. She was a screw up in high school & just barely graduated. In southern California, everything costs a looooot of money. She made her bed, and now doesn't have a room for one.
I live in Cali...
And it ain't that that bad... it's time that little miss buck up and curb her party-ing attitude!
Ever heard of roommates?
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Time for a reality check
I live in So Cal too, so I know all about the high cost of living. Since SD was a screw up in high school, I'm going to assume she did not go to college and has a low paying job typical of people who screw up in college. That type of salary does not afford a lavish lifestyle in So Cal, and the sooner SD accepts this fact, the sooner she might wake up, go to junior college (they take anyone), finish a college degree, and get a decent job which will afford her the type of lifestyle she wants.
Or she can just keep living with a parent and get that lifestyle without earning it. Hmmmm.
So are you and your husband and the real mom planning to support her and let you live with one or the other of you forever? If the answer is no, then SD might as well be asked to move out right now and start getting a realistic view of things now.
You can make it on a minimum wage job, even in So Cal. Of course this means you have to share an apartment with 3 or 4 friends, and not live very well, maybe you cannot afford a car and have to take the bus, etc, but it can be done. Plenty of people do it.
But SD is not used to that, is she? Think about all the people in your neighborhood. Did they buy their houses with a crappy job that someone that screwed up in high school can get? Um, no. So why does SD think she should live like you?
Good luck. This is a tough one.
Nellie
OMG, she's an ADULT!
Which means
Mommy and Daddy can't make rules for her anymore and (B) if she doesn't like the way Mommy and Daddy run their ship, then she needs to find the nearest lifeboat and take off on her own.
I think you have to have "house rules" no matter what age the kids are that live in that house. You are the adults, you are the homeowners, you are entitled to say how it's going to be. She can either abide by it or leave, it's her choice. If she doesn't want to be treated like an 8yo, then I say she needs to start being a responsible 21yo.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Desperate and Need Help
Okay, here is the situation:
We have a 17 year old. She is my step-child and has moved in with us (3rd time).
Her mother is a truck driver and is not home to take care of her daughter. Therefore, my SD is very angry at her mom and takes it out on us. She explodes, lies and has been stealing money from us.
I am truly at my wits end and spoke with her mother saying that she needs to move out. We do not tolerate things as lying, stealing, etc. and EVERYTHING is a lie. Not acceptable. We have a daughter together that is 7 and I DO NOT want her to disrespect us or our house the way my SD does.
I don't know what to do. I told my husband that he can move out with my SD because I have had it. And it is constant...it's been happening since she was a little girl. Things WILL NOT change and we get no support from the mother.
Teenages that steal & lie on drugs!
Seeing that this girl has been doing it since she was a little girl, she wouldn't know how else to deal with situations that lead her to do it. She may not even know the trigger points. The brain is a very good recorder of how we deal with situations, circumstances and problems. Our responses can become very automated. So much so that we sometimes don't know why we do the things we do. This is a sort of self defense mechanism that we sometimes set up as children. As we grow older the behaviour is out of our control as if self governing. We dont know how to stop on our own & sometimes the behaviour even goes unrecognized as "bad" behaviour. The person doing it can actually think that everyone else is wrong!
Your SD needs the help of a Psychologist that will give her some KEYS to unlock these things in her mind. She needs to trust someone that is neutral & wont take sides. First she will have to admit that she has a problem & once she does that then the healing can begin. You also can't help someone that doesn't want the help.
I have seen a lot of drug users that do the same thing like stealing and lying. Note that when it stems from childhood there is a deep rooted psychological problem that usually starts with low self esteem and the need to own things which makes them feel like they are in control. This girl needs urgent professional help.
A lot of Girls or boys that feel rejected by their role models end up like this.
Helping someone would be better than kicking them out. Try recommending that she needs help to her father. Seek professional advice together so that you can come up with the best solution to suit this situation. This is too serious to leave alone.
You would be surprised how a psychologist, not a psychiatrist can help. They are both different. A psycologist will give you solutions . A psychiatrist will medicate you and find someone to pin the blame on.
I hope this helps. Remember, this sort of healing doesn't doesn't usually happen overnight.
I would let him move out
I would let him move out with her til she is 18 and he gets her on a good/acceptable path. Then, if things are good re-hook up.
Don't let his torture be yours.
I agree
Get her out of your home and away from your child. If husband doesn't like it he goes too. I can already tell from you post this girl has been enabled her whole life, unlikely she will change. Why destroy your and your daughters life. Change the locks if need be.