Maybe He Raises Them That Way??
Is it always BM's fault. The way kids react to SM's 'apparently' but really?? My SS is spoilt, too smart for a 10 year old, Cheeky, disrespectful and has to many opinions in adult conversation, and to many adults that follow his rules. Adults not in his family find him very hard to be around. My SS doesn't want to be in 'my' family (including 1 year old half brother)because as he puts it, there are too many rules at our house. My hubby is rightly upset about his sons new decision not to come to our house and blames the bulk of it on BM.
I am strict on my kids but they have grown up balanced good hearted teenagers, so I expect to be this way with our new addition (15 months). After watching hubby with the little one recently, sooking him when he is being naughty or just whinging for the sake of it. Giving him things (like mobile phones and remotes) just to make him happy and a list of other similar behaviours, I started to think that perhaps he is a good part of the reason SS is totally against any rules (these being things like cleaning up after yourself and don't say what, say pardon, normal everyday rules)and has to get his own way all the time.
It seems I am putting up with all this 'I hate my SM crap' because my husband failed to ever discipline him before! I get that 'well I only see him on weekends, so I don't want to spend my whole time telling him off' speech.
What do you guys think of that? Do other people see similar things with hubby? and finally how do I make sure new addition doesn't turn out so spoilt and hard to be around??!!
Help!!
I totally agree with you!
BMs are only part of the problem here... the other part of the problem is the other parent, our husbands. Look, kids are capable of understanding that certain behaviors are expected at certain places. There's one set of rules for church, another for school. One set of rules for Grandma's house, another set of rules for home. There's one set of rules for sporting events, maybe another set of rules for when you're at the beach. There's no reason why BM can't have her own set of rules at her house, while dad has another set at his house. Obviously, there will be some overlap, like being respectful of others, etc. Most parents do insist on the basics of good behavior in some way. I'm lucky that I have a husband who disciplines fairly, but it wasn't like that in the early days. He would hesitate to say too much to the skids, because he didn't want to upset them during their visits. On the other hand, he had no problem coming down hard on our kids, because he's with them 100% of the time and, let's face it, kids can tick you off. But we talked about it, we came up with a list of rules that applied to everyone, along with consequences for not following them, and we posted them on the fridge for all to see. Everyone, parents and children alike, were expected to read from that Bible come time to discipline. It worked for us and now it's old hat, something we don't have to keep on the fridge. We've sort of trained ourselves how to act/react when we have behavior problems with any of the kids. The big thing is that you're treating the visiting children differently than the kids who live in the house and that's not fair to any of them. Being a parent is hard. You're not doing it right if your kids don't get mad at you once in awhile!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I agree my B/F is at fault
I agree my B/F is at fault for his sons behavior here. Our full time children, my bio his step have to follow a certain set of rules as far as he's concerned. But when his son was visiting he didn't want to discipline him or make him follow "our rules" since he always did things a certain way with his son and would not change it for me and my kids(even though he moved into our house and brought his son here for visits).
I didn't feel I asked for much, I asked that his son have to follow the same set of rules as my kids. He finds this unacceptable, now we both don't want his kid here anymore due mostly to discipline issues.
My heart breaks for B/F and son knowing that the visits have stopped,but it is my B/F's choice to not 'lay down the law' and be a parent not a friend.
I try to put myself in his shoes and know if I only saw my kids on visitation days I wouldn't want it to be all about discipline either. But coming from a divorced family and having visits with my father, and from other experiences I have had as an adult and parent, I know the establishment of the rules and discipline is hell but once there It is very beneficial to all involved.
The most difficult decisions we have to make are usually the correct ones. Discipline by the visitation parent is one of them.
Lisa Dawn
Thanks for your comments :)
My Hubby moved into the house I owned (with my bio son) previous to meeting him and so my SS comes here for visitation. Is it to much to expect that if he is coming to my house that he follows our rules!!? I agree that it is unfair to have 2 sets of rules so BS and SS were given the same rules, my son abides by them and if not he is punished accordingly but SS is immune to these rules! General manners and if you open it close it, if you turn it on turn it off are the rules I am speaking of. Seriously they are not harsh rules. But this is the world of step-parenting and we just have to exist not live every 2nd weekend. SS makes me feel uncomfortable in my own house with his evil glances and when I ask him questions like "do you like tomato" he looks at the floor and I get an inaudible mumble. Why do I have to be treated this way by a child I try so hard to include in our family? I totally get the last post saying the SS gets treated like a friend by dad..He now has rules and hubby is enforcing them only because he can now see my son being the total opposite to his and realises now that rules maybe a good idea. Because dad is no longer his college buddy (to a 10 year old) he feels all out of shape and thinks its my fault!! So last week he tells dad he won't be coming anymore because he hates me
But thinks dad will come over and see him without me and the other 2 boys so he can have his buddydad back the way it used to be. Hubby realises now that he should have always been a dad not a mate. Thanks for your comments guys, they help so much and stop you going crazy wondering if it's just you being silly because they are the skids or if they really are the problem.
Will your hubby visit him???
Hi Catch, Is there a chance that your hubby will allow his son to make the decision of not visiting at your place but will go to see him without you instead?
I'm lucky that I have a great relationship with my skids HOWEVER, they have no rules here either. They only visit us once or twice a month on a weekend and it amazes me that they are like guests....not his kids who should maybe help him do a chore or too when they are here. He has no expectations of them in our house but I am sure if BM asked him to help enforce the rules over there, he would. I never opened my mouth but it's weird.
I envy the people whos men
I envy the people whos men back them up! My B/F chose to go somewhere else to spend the nights with his son and be his buddy. This way SS could avoid the evil SM! Sooooo what's being taught here? MEN!!!!UUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
Lisa Dawn
Hubby refuses to go to him.
Glad you asked bonus wife! I actually suggested that he go see him once or twice a month on a sunday and take him to the park or whatever if he has to (not that I agree). He refuses to do that. We have a 15 month old baby and hubby gets one day off a week, sunday, so he feels that if he goes and spends that one day with SS he doesn't get to spend a relaxing sunday with our son and my son (who by the way adores my hubby and visa versa, my son is polite and respectful and has his own dad close by) and he wants to spend 1 day a week with me as well as the kids, all of them. We have both told SS that he is welcome here anytime and have left all lines of communication open to him but he must understand that there are 3 kids now and we love them all the same, no one is treated like a visitor or a favorite. But it has been a week and a half now with no communication from SS as he thinks dad will come running, but in my case hubby loves me and the 3 kids and won't see anyone left out.I have made it clear that should he resume visitation he will have to learn the rules and respect the adults, me included. He doesn't have to like me but he has to respect me, as he should all adults. There is so much to everyones stories and it's hard to see inside each one as there is so much to tell but to holeekrap...that is just teaching the skids that they control dad and the rest of the family, if he goes and see's them elsewhere, where does that leave you?? I said I will never make him choose but if he makes a decision that discludes me (as the woman he married and wants to spend the rest of his life with) or my kids I may choose for him, and leave him. Is that a fair call?
He wont see anyone left out...
I love that comment. That's a great way to look at it. I too, view it as you guys being one family unit now....new baby, ss and your bioson. Even if it's only once a month when you are all together.
We are only married six months and there's still that separation of families...his 3 kids over there...and me and him and my daughter over here -- who BTW ALSO adores her stepdad! (just not fair. why can't our skids love us the same way?) I am also sure though that you had a lot to do with encouraging your son and teaching him to respect your husband and help him with the transition. I don't think our DH's (or their bm's) do that as much for us. Oh well. Hopefully in your case, ss will come around soon.
Steps & Stairs
Steve I also understand the the steps and stairs, my mum and dad separated when I was 10. Within a year I inherited 2 step-sisters and a step-brother from dad and 2 step-brothers and 2 step-sisters from mum due to remarriage. You can imagine me at 11 with 4 parents and 7 new brothers and sisters in 2 differnet families!!! And to make it worse I only grew up with one bio-brother. Sure I was confused, left out, pulled around and gob smacked but at the end of the day I was taught to respect my elders and that's what I did. My step-dad and I had our disagreements but by age 15 he was like a real dad. Step-mum was a bit evil but we got along ok. The trouble with kids these days is everyone is stressed about their emotions and longterm effects of family situations. Children are very adaptable creatures and will get used to the way it is. I am only 32 have endured my own trials and misfortunes as a child and have never been in jail, killed someone or had an emotonal or mental meltdown and I still have room to teach my kids respect. I don't think I am a remarkable human, nor have I gone through more than anyone else my age. I think we are making things harder for our kids by softening the fall all the time. One major crisis in their adult life and they will fall apart! A word for Steve, don't let your ex bully you or make the decisions, they are your kids too and it is not a bonus for you to see your kids it is your right as their father! And to Bonus wife...why do you allow your family o be separated in this way? After hubby and I talking over the last week we have both come to agree that he and I hold our families together and if we show that the kids can come between us what kind of life will we have for the next 20 years being pulled apart by our kids and what is this teaching them? The transition hurts one parent or the other but it is you and hubby that have to look at each other for the next 50 years. Does that make sense?
Step Mom...Thank You!I was
Step Mom...Thank You!
I was so upset at some of the things indicated, implyed, or stated about me by Steve and a response or two when I read this thread.
I was going to throw an immature rubbuttal of I am not!!!.... I did not!!!!, so on and so forth....
But instead I tried to keep my thoughts to myself and calm myself down, telling myself that it was only opinions, not fact.
Then I was standoffish to Steve for not 'getting the facts strait' and 'exaggerating things'. Exactly what you said he was doing to me!-lol
Thank you for understanding and pointing out,once again, that The facts aren't always right, and that the feelings and validation do matter, when I needed the reminder.
I am proud to say I know what I am doing is right, and I am called the wicked/evil stepmom...as many of us are...for what we believe are unfounded reasons!
God Bless
Lisa Dawn
Well...
I also have to say to you that I think one thing that is going on between the two of you, is that CplStv also feels that you totally and utterly blame him, and only him. I mean, I KNOW that you are speaking emotionally, it's how you perceive it, because we are women, and that's what women do. But for him, I think he really is looking at this as blame, blame, blame- all she does is blame me. I'm not the only one to blame... takes two to tango, etc. So, I can see how and why HE gets upset too. He has made some valid points also.
So, perhaps it's time that you give the poor boy a bone and tell him how you really appreciate him from time to time. I think his ego is a little bruised.
My husband has a tendency to do the same thing too. If I try to convey to him MY SIDE of things, how it relates to my FEELINGS, he gets caught up in the facts... does the exact thing... NO, tell it like it is attitude... but never registers that it doesn't matter that XYZ are in the same order, the outcome is still the same- it made me feel this way.
It's a defense mechanism on his behalf, protecting himself, and in someways a guilt complex too. So, believe me, I understand... but at the same time... I have learned that it's best not to argue with him when he gets that way. He's got his blinders on, wants to only see things from his perspective, and not necessarily want to hear a contradiction- but at the same time, I'm doing the SAME thing... I won't listen to him either when I'm that upset. It's a two way street. So the best thing I have learned is to give him a bone for his efforts, and when he's calm, I'm calm, we eventually will talk about it. Don't hold grudges with each other, because that won't help but make things worse. That will just build up resentment for each other and then you'll never get anywhere. Neither one of you will see past your own pain.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I missed something??!!
Sorry guys, I totally missed something here why is Steve in trouble and do steve and holeecrap know each other? I hope I didn't say anything wrong
LOL Catch22....Steve and I
LOL Catch22....Steve and I areLiving together....he blew that in on another post. Now I mostly go under another name....and Everyone...Steve is not in trouble!!!!! at least not for this--lol(wink)
Lisa Dawn
That must make it hard to vent??
Oh thanks holee I am new here and when steve was talking about not being able to see his son I thought it was because of BM!! LOL but he meant stuff between the 2 of you sorry!! But how do you guys vent in an honest way when you know what each other wrote. My hubby doesn't know I even come on here, not to be sneaky but I just need to talk to people in the same situation.
catch22...when I feel I have
catch22...when I feel I have something to offer...as myself...I use this name...when I am really in need of venting and guidinance and
don't want the repercussions that come with hurting his feelings and making him defensive(you know , I don't want to make the words sweet and syrupy so he can swallow them easier) I use my other name. I don't believe he knows who I am under the other name.
I'm fairly new too and think to let everyone know our business from both sides and ask for help is to put people in the middle so this name is the one with experience the other oneis the one that cries hhhhheeeeeellllllpppppp!!!!!---lol
have a wonderful day!
Lisa Dawn
Catch
I absolutely do not want the separation of families but my DH is having a very hard time. Started with Christmas - he wanted me to join his old family in his old house to celebrate since "this" house is not the kids house (although they each have own room, with TVs, computers, etc., brand new furniture, etc.) & since that's they way "they" always do it. (In fact, when I refused to cooperate and go, the ex asked him if she could call me. THANK GOD she didn't.) In my eyes, they have two homes now. I think he's slowly getting it though. In fact, we had his kids here for the w/e and when we (along with his 2 kids and my daughter)ran into someone DH and I knew, I pointed to all the kids and introduced them all as "our family." Even when we golf and someone asks "so..how many kids do you guys have?" He used to say 3 and I'd go "1." But now I just say "We have "4." Doesn't matter whose is whose biologically. OR if someone says how many kids do you have while we are together should I say None? Cause together we have none....(AGH, Fearless, I am overanalyzing now..." :>))
How we handle it...
All five are "our" kids. If we're talking to people who know us, then they already know the biology and further explanation isn't required. If we're talking to total strangers, well, I just don't consider them entitled to the full genealogy of each person in our family and, again, a further explanation is not required. But for the five children in our family, including steps and bios, there are four fathers, four mothers and you don't even want to know how many grandparents. Explaining who belongs to whom just gets so exhausting! It's easier to say "our" children and leave it at that.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
At the supermarket today...
Don't ask me how but the checkout operator and I got on the subject of kids and I said I had 3, then we got onto brestfeeding and she says after 3 you must be a pro at it!! I wasn't sure whether to come clean that I had only given birth to 2 or just leave it..I just left it but the point is it depends on the situation and how long you talk to justify whether to go into the gene pool. I thought about it for a good half hour almost feeling like I lied and what if I spoke to her again next week, would she think I was a liar? But really we do analize way to much, is it because we are on the defense as step parents? As far as I'm concerned when SS is at our place he is one of ours.
Catch xx