I am sure you have heard this but alot of her behavior is the age she is at. My daughter is 14 and there are times that I want to rip her face off!. What I have learned from my experience with my kids is consistency. You cannot make a threat and not follow through on it nor can it be a threat that you can't follow through on. I am not excusing the behavior of you sd, but it sounds like you wife is enableing her bad behavior and actually re-enfourcing it with her lack of conseqences and softening when she does punish them. Have you thought anout parenting classes (for both of you but really for your wife)?
Good luck

Wow that is a lot for you to take. In any marriage whether you have kids together or not Step whatever, the marriage is suppose to come first. That is the only way it will be successful. We all on here struggle with some level of Communication or lets face it we would not need this site.

I am kinda torn because I think that if your wife loved you at all she would let you talk or ask about the kids. It is your house you said. If she wants it to be "ours" then she has to treat it that way. I agree with you doing your own thing alot more. Give your wife the cold shoulder once in awhile like she does you. You should not be living in your home with rudeness.

The sad thing is, is that now days all kids have that silver spoon in there mouth. Ok most. And its those kids who usually never have to follow rules or be respectful and then eventually they have a run in with the law and the law gives them a punishment. Your SD could very well end up pregnant if your wife does not take control. If I were the BIO father I would be outraged and put my foot down to your wife and HIS daughter... I mean it took two people to make her. Your wife fails to realise she is not helping her daughter she is creating a monster.. Kids who are never taught to be respectful or adhere to any rules or punishments never learn any boundaries.. And that makes for a very hard time for them and its at the hands of the parents..
I wish you luck in your journey. I would stay focused on yourself for awhile. And get your wife thinking. She actually needs a wake up call you sound like a GOOD MAN.. Not to many of them left in the world. It sounds like you have a lot going for you and could make a wonderful life for you and her.. Its just to bad she does not see that you are truly just trying to do your job as a step dad.. we all need help parenting.. Its not an easy task.. It takes an ARMY is what I always heard..

I hope everything works out for you..

Well, you said a mouth full! I am so angry for you! I can't believe what you put up with. Aren't you the man of the house? Run away now while you still have some dignity! I am a step mom and although I don't physically punish the kids, I definitely have a say in the punishment of the children. Especially for the one that lives with us! You have to be a united front (you and your wife) and the children will only respect you when they see that their mother also respects you and your decisions. This is so unbelievable to me that you are being treated this way in your own home. I am not sure that I would be handling it so well. I think you should try and talk to her (your wife) about respect or lack thereof and if she flies off the handle then put your foot down and if she doesn't like it then kick her ass out! :jawdrop:

Hate to say it, but you just recited the reason why my boyfriend ended his marriage. Only he IS the Father. I'm so sorry to say, in my opinion, if you two can't get on the same page, it may be time to close the book.

Good luck. We here for ya.

I know I am the poutcast in this one but I have to speak up here.
While I am not the wife of Stever, my Steve says almost the exact same things about me and my kids. Just not quite as harshly.
Here's the situation. He moved into my house knowing that my kids had some problems and were in counseling etc... He was forewarned that they don't take too easily to men from what their fathers haev done to them. I am a lenient parent who believes that children should be able to enjoy life along the way to growing up. He was raised military and believes that children should respond with how high sir when told to jump. He doesn't like noise...not even "happy noise" and he can't stand when there are messes even when the children are still actively using the items making the mess.
Needless to say we are very different in our parenting styles.
My kids get good reports from schools, church, relatives, babysitters and anyone who knows them(with the exception of the two with ADD)
I feel that in 21yrs of raising kids I haven't done too badly with my parenting style.
He on the other hand belittles me and the kids, has nothing nice to say about anything that we do that doesn't agree with his viewpoints and wants us all to conform to his way of thinking.
The more negative he gets witht he kids the more I try to show them some positive attention and "blow him off"
Now mind you, as I said he moved into my house. He has been uneployed for 2yrs and living off of me and my kids and complains that neither me or the kids has a clue how to be responsible for ourselves. He also has a son he pays no support for.
Now while I am making him sound like such a loser this is not my intention. He has many redeeming qualities, we just don't get along too good on this issue(or his ex---lol)
I don't foresee either of us fully changing for the other but I (maybe wrongfully) believe that he moved into our family and if he doesn't like it he can move out or conform a little.
I am sorry for what you are going through Stever it does sound horrible and I don't think I would want to be there eitherm but there are tweo sides to this and maybe you should try to found out why she does things the way she does. Sometimes with understanding there can be some rectification. You fell in love with her for some reason.
A couple things that help me and mine was to write out what we wanted to say so we wouldn't allow our painful emotions to interfere with the problem solving.
He also understood that I had come from a very abusive past and wouold rebel against being told what to do or how to do it so when he wants to convey something he asks me questions that get me to think about my words or actions.
Both of these methods have been very helpful.
Good luck and I am sincerely not putting the blame on you or accusing you, just trying to state that there may be a reason that you are unaware of that causes her to be what she is.

Lisa Dawn

I am soooo sorry if I offended you. that was not my intent at all!
I was only trying to see a different angle and hopefully help.
I will agree that if it is YOUR house then you AS THE ADULT should be shown some common courtesy and respect and the mother does need to enforce it.
Can you try to be assertive and tell your wife "These are the rules of our household for any member living here or visiting" and list what you expect. then if they are not followed have an alternate list of consequences up to and including not being there anymore.
Make it clear there are no exclusions. Not even for her kids.
Unfortunately I have to warn that if you are desperate enough to be this assertive then you might just have to face her decision to leave.
Be sure you think out the consequences of any action or decision and know that you can live with that. There is no easy choice here.
I promise when you come here to vent I won't "slam" you again either because as I said that was not my intent and you need a LOT of suuport. My brother went through this too and I watched and helped him. I know it tears you apart.
Good Luck and God Bless

Lisa Dawn

Well my brothers story has a twist and both a sad and happy ending. He kept his opinion of the daughter between the wife and him. He allowed himself to be stepped all over. He eventually ended up with the SD warming up to him because he was very tolerant and patient beyond what anyone should have to be.
Coming from a broken home with an abusive step father himself and knowing that his SD's father had abandoned her, he felt real understanding and pity for her.
After a few years of marriage he and his wife had two daughters together. My brother continued to treat all three as his own. Proving once again that the SD was important.
Now after 15 yrs of devotion his wife has falsely accused him of adultry and divorced him.
The good part of this for him is he is still an active and involved parent to ALL THREE KIDS and the SD loves and respects him more than even her own mother.
It took years and huge amounts of patience on his part.
I just had another thought. This only occurs to me because of what my kids themselves have gone through. My kids had abandonment issues from their dads leaving them and were afraid to bond with any man. When my ex was able to show them without a doubt that he would always be there for them no matter what they warmed up tremendously.
Now even though he only fathered 2 of my 7 kids they all call him dad and love him more than any other man in their lives.
Like I said it takes patience and understanding that is superhuman to prove to the child that you are there for love not pain.
Good Luck and if you want to you can send me a personal e-mail on this site and we can talk more.
God Bless

Lisa Dawn

I can totally feel your pain and frustration. In my situation, I am at a complete disadvantage as I live with my BF, in HIS house, and have NO say whatsoever in what goes on. He has two daughters...the 19 yr old does not live with us and is a true blessing..she's a great kid. The other one, however, is true devil spawn. She is 17 and totally runs the show. She is the reason the older one left. And now the little bitch is trying to run me off. Makes no difference what she does to disrespect me, nothing happens. The breaker was almost a year ago she stole my car. No license and certainly NO business taking my freaking car. I was the one who ran her sorry ass all over town to do things, took her back and forth to school (which is a 10 minute walk, but GOD forbid she should walk anywhere), took her back and forth to drivers training and as a matter of fact, I am the one who let her drive my car to practrice. And the thanks I get was for her to steal my car. The time we caught her was not the only time she took it. She had the nerve to take it several times while i was in the house sleeping. Here was her punishment...grounded to her room for all of a couple hours...the very next day, guilt takes over daddy and he takes her to play tennis, "to get her out of the house", she lost her cell phone for all of one day, he took her to lunches, visited her at work, took her to a football game, shopping, you name it. This went on for a week, until he was sure she was no longer upset with him. Now as for ME? I was not allowed to say a damn word about the incident to her....no say in the punishment.....cuz there was none. SHE has not spoken to me for almost a year. What the hell did I do to deserve to be treated with such disrepect??? Not a damn thing. And it just keeps escalating. I can tell you from this experience, nothing will change until your wife can admit there is a problem and steps up to the plate. Its OK if your kids are pissed off at ya sometimes. It just means you are doing your job. The absolute worst disservice you can to your kids is to be their "friend". They will have lots of friends and only TWO parents (sometimes more with Steps) and it is important to BE a parent. IN my case too, I don't have kids of my own. So that is always used against me. I just dont understand, i am out of the loop, i dont have kids so how do i know whats right and wrong? Those are HIS words not mine. My view is I dont HAVE to be a parent to see how wrong all of this is.

I hope you are able to find your way out of the fog. For me,,,i save every penny I get and when i get a mit full....i am off into the sunset. I love this kids father to pieces and the rest of our relationship is the best i have ever had. But I cannot be with someone who allows himself to be treated like shit and allows me to be treated the same.....and not allow me to even say anything. I am losing respect for him and that bothers me. We have NO other issues other than the devil child. LIke you, I am not asking him to make a choice...i would never do that...i just want him to step up to the plate and stop acting like she is his g/f. When he attempts to "parent" and she gets mad........he bends over backwards and tries to "work it out" with her......tries to find ways to "punish" her that meet her approval. WTF ????????????????

Anyway,,,,i am not in the best of moods today. Probably not a good time to respond to your post....but like others have said....find comfort in knowing you are not alone. IT's a good thing we are in a major freeze and snowing here for now, cuz i would love to toss her whiney butt right out the door !!!

Take Care

When my husband and I got custody of my 2 stepdaughters we had a very long talk- it went something like this- This is my home too- If this is going to work I need to have as much authority as him, punishment and everything, We are equal in my household - We have a united front with them- I am their parent to. So what I say goes just as much as if he said it- end of story- I think it almost has to be that way. My SDs are very respectful to me, they are younger than yours but I think you need the authority to correct their wrongs especially if they are in your home.

I have to agree with Stamina. It is apparent to all of you that you are consumed with hate. The thing that you have to see is that the only one you can change through anything you do is yourself. Do what you have to for yourself(including counseling) and deal with the rest as it comes.
Lisa Dawn

But I wouldn't even know where to begin. I think your biggest problem is your wife, not her kids, but you probably already know that. And you also probably already know that until she can commit to backing you 100%, nothing is going to change. You can't change your wife and you can't change her daughters, all you can do is change yourself and how you handle things. If you choose to remove yourself from the situation, no one could blame you, but just make sure you are totally confident that you've exhausted all other possible options, because it sounds like you really do love your wife and want it to work out.

Is your wife just overwhelmed, as if she's let this problem go for so long that now it's out of control and she feels helpless to deal with it? Is she just as tired as you of fighting and re-fighting the same old fight over and over again? I'm just wondering if she feels as powerless and irrelevant as you do. Is it that she has given up on any chance of really fixing the problem and is now just trying to do the least amount necessary just to get by? I think all couples face parenting dilemmas and sometimes we just don't agree, but you have to back each other up in front of the kids, regardless, and then settle your differences in private.

I was really struck by one comment you made about not being able to discipline them in your in-laws' home. I remember the first time my new husband punished my child when we were visiting my parents... they just about freaked! My mother was immediately like, "Oh, honey, come here to Nana!" My dad was saying, "Well, that's a little harsh." It wasn't harsh, my son deserved what he got and I very firmly disengaged my child from my parents' influence and advised them that my husband and I are co-parents and only parents get to decide how this child will be raised. I've pretty much lost my step-father over this very issue and I'm sorry for it, but he couldn't accept our PARENTS ONLY boundaries. I would hate for you to lose your family, home, dreams, etc. over the bad attitudes of a couple of preteen girls, especially since, comparably speaking, children are in our lives for such a short time, anyway. But you deserve to be treated with respect and if they cannot give you at least the basics of common courtesy, then something has to change.

You know, maybe I do have some advice. Maybe your best bet is to grit your teeth for now and just bide your time until the new house is ready. You can't win this battle living in your MIL's house. But when that new house is ready, it's time to leave the old routine, expectations, failures, etc. behind and embrace a new reality. This will be YOUR HOME, as well as their home, and in it YOU will be respected as a co-parent/spouse. If you think Dad can back you on straightening this child out, then by all means tap him as a resource. Drag them all to family counseling, kicking and screaming if you have to, it's for their own good as well as for yours. I just can't believe that your wife doesn't see that she's actually doing this child a huge disservice, let alone what it's doing to you and your marriage. I shudder to think of what this twelve year old is like at sixteen... eighteen... twenty-one. Yikes!

Keep us posted!

~ Anne ~

I know how you are feeling. I sure would have been wonderful if my husband loved me enough to show a united front with the kids. His problem is that with his first mental case mom, he felt he was taking his frustrations with his mom out on the children. He went to anger management classes and unfortuantely has turned into a non-parent. He never disciplines his children at all. Does whatever they and the ex-wife want because he wants to keep everyone happy. He has three children, a couple of months after we moved in together -- his exwife told him to come and get the kids, she couldn't take it anymore. They then became our problem. A few years ago, I couldn't take the fighting between the children, the fighting about the children between my husband and myself any longer and moved out. My husband came to me a few days afterward and begged me to come back, and what would it take. I said that if the children caused us to fight about them anymore they would have to live with their mother. I was surprised that he agreed to my conditions. Of course it didn't take long before something big happened again. Two of the children went to live with their mother. The oldest is now in college and out on her own. The middle child which is my husbands all time favorite who he could never ever possibly set rules, or discipline lives with his ex. The son lives with us. Parenting the teenage son can sometimes be a challenge because of the teenage mouth. However, when the daughter is at our house every other weekend, she purposely breaks the rules over and over and over again. I sometimes wonder if she flaunts the fact that she can do what she wants when she wants and no consequenses will ever happen. A breaking point comes when I can't take it anymore and I am so angry with the daughter that I take it out on my husband. Really it is all my husbands fault that she is the way she is -- he won't discipline, gives her whatever she wants, no follow through on the breaking of any rules, allowing her to disrespect me. I have lost a lot of respect for this wonderful man that I thought was my soul mate who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have put up with this now for 8 1/2 years. The daughter is 16 and the son is 15. I only have 3 1/2 years more to put up with it but will I still have a relationship with my husband at the end of that time? Will things ever get any better? For many years I wanted to get an apartment of my own so that when I can't stand things with the kids any longer I have somewhere to go and take a break. My husband would never allow that. Now I just want someplace to go every other weekend when his daughter is there so that I don't have to have the stress or anger watching her break my rules over and over again with no consequenses. My husband doesn't like that idea either because I truly believe he doesn't want to spend time with his children alone. He thinks I should be supportive of him while both his children are there. He never realizes that he does not support me by not discipling his children. I can get really angry at the situation but most of the time I feel sad that it couldn't have been better. I don't like how bitter the whole thing has made me feel. Everytime I complain about her we get into a fight and say a lot of hateful things to each other. This weekend my husband asked me what I would do if his daughter was 28 years old, had children, and came to visit us and insisted on breaking my household rules over and over again. I told him that I would tell her she was not welcome in my house until she could respect me enough to abide by my wishes in my house. My husband was appalled that I would say that. He feels that I would be depriving him of his daughter and grandchildren. There is no way that I am going to put up with this kind of behavior from his daughter forever. It makes me very afraid that I have been wasting my time, wasting all my money, and that if we would ever end the relationship, he would get all the assets because they were his in the first place. When we got together, I sold my house and for over 8 years have put all my money into providing for his children, improving all the assets his owns, etc. I want my marriage to work. I am not like my husband who can have the world walk all over him and not say a word, not defend myself, not get angry. I wish I had the answers for you. I came to this website to finds answers, and have felt a sense of hopelessness. It does help to vent though and I am grateful for that. Take care everyone, and May God Bless us someday!

Stever - I feel for you... Your story is like a mirror image of mine and I have yet to find an answer. Same setup, same OH, same issues, same age... It's like you're my long lost twin. I'm still searching and hoping beyond hope that there are answers but it's not looking good... I think no matter what happens with me (and you) it's not going to be easy... Someone is going to lose out... If I had to do it all again I wouldn't - no matter how good the good times are... I just keep telling myself that maybe some day soon my OH and I will get our lives back...
All the best.
Pete