Boundaries

This is mainly just a venting post but any advice or other perspectives to the situation are welcome. This past weekend when SD was over she announced, "Grandma G (my SO's mother) is coming to BM's on Christmas Eve for chicken and dumplings b/c BM offered to make her some since she really likes them" - okay, I try not to let things irritate me that come from BM and SD but this crosses a line for me. First of all BM has made it clear that she doesn't care for SO's mother on many an occasion...it is no secret...she flipped out last month when she made it to Grandma G's house before us on Thanksgiving b/c she didn't want to leave SD alone with Grandma G for the 30 mins it was going to take us to get there! She is 10!!!! Also, BM has specifically cited in their custody agreement that Grandma G is not allowed to watch SD or basically be alone with SD and that if SO had to move in with Grandma G at any time he would have to exercise his time with SD elsewhere! I think that is pretty compelling evidence that she doesn't really care about Grandma G and SD's relationship! Now all of the sudden they are buddy buddy and spending Christmas eve together?!?! BM is up to something if you ask me. Last time BM played buddy buddy with SO's sister she took any and every possible tidbit of information to use against us and caused major drama. Grandma G knows this. Grandma G knows about the custody agreement and how crazy and manipulative BM is so WTH is going on? Why would she even accept the invite. I feel like this is so wrong b/c it is a family holiday and BM isn't family anymore plus she is evil and vindictive and I have trouble believing there is no ulterior motive involved here. I'm honestly really irritated that Grandma G is going knowing how BM is and how BM really feels about her! I asked SO if this is true and why would his mom do that! He said that yes it is true and his mom just wanted to spend time with SD. Mmmkay well she can spend time with SD on SO's time...we take her to see her and she comes to our house. I mean how much freaking time do you really want to spend with this spoiled, entitled child anyways?!?! Grandma G is the only other person that thinks SD is amazing and farts out rainbows! I especially don't get it b/c I am always trying to find ways to spend less time with SD...not more! Point being she can see SD on SO's time so there is no need to suck up or go over to BM's house. I guess SO even asked BM what she was up to b/c it is no secret that she doesn't like Grandma G. Unfortunately I also made the mistake of letting SO read me BM's responses which only irritated me further! I have been disengaging from BM and SD as much as possible for the past year at least and so I wish I hadn't let him give me her replies. Anyways it was something like this:
SO - What are you up to? It is no secret you don't like my mom and now you are being all chumy and inviting her to Christmas eve dinner at your place?
BM - Grow up! I'm just doing what is best for SD. I have no problem with Grandma G. She helped with cheer and she quit smoking and her smoking was a major part of why I didn't want her watching SD before.
SO- I have trouble believing you aren't up to something
BM - I don't have time to plot and plan on how to ruin your life. I have better things to do. Now that you pay child support (she took him for child support as soon as she found out I was pregnant - 4 years with not needing it or wanting it until I got pregnant) and put SD first I just want to co-parent effectively and I want you to be happy. The happier you are the better for SD. (um, okay, BS, we tried being nice/caring/understanding/co-parenting from the get go and she from the moment she met caused nothing but drama drama drama and did nothing but bash my son and me and act like SO was a bad dad)
SO - SD has always been put first and I have always had her best interest in mind blah blah blah
BM- SD should be #1 we are all on a unit here
SO - no we aren't a unit we are divorced
BM - I meant we are all "TEAM SD" go "TEAM SD"
and more nonsense and crap along those lines!
Yep, really took me a lot to contain my cool after that. I said, um, maybe the problem is that you and BM make her #1 priority over EVERYTHING! She is not #1 over my kids and she shouldn't be #1 over adult relationships! She should maybe be told that she is a child and the world doesn't revolve around her.

This conversation took place several days ago yet I am still heated over it. I think I realized the only thing that changed lately is that I have disengaged as much as possible from both of them. Of course BM is all happy go lucky now. She gets no push back from SO and SD is spoiled by daddy still. Barf!!!!! Also the fact that BM truly believes that SD is more special than SO and I's son together is disgusting. I don't care that she thinks this about SD vs my BS. I get that. I don't place her SD above my kids but what I do is try to treat them all equally and not favor one or treat one more special. However if we don't treat SD as a more special favored child when she is around we hear about it from BM.

Okay, just really needed to rant and let that out! Not sure what I will get out of it but I feel better letting it out! Oh and I still don't believe she isn't up to something. We are going to Grandma G's on Sat and I'm not trying to be a nasty person but I won't be talking much. Grandma G isn't very bright and might accidentally give BM some ammo to cause holy hell later and I'm not going to be the one to give Grandma G the ammo. I'll be a bit antisocial that day. OH well that is Grandma G's choice...she knows who she is dealing with!

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It seems you also have a less

It seems you also have a less than sparkling opinion of your "less than bright" MIL.

Suffice it to say that it is possible for the EX to not have an ulterior motive (other than being annoying). It's possible that she may want to still have a relationship with your MIL (my MIL still has one with her other son's EX wife). It's possible that Grandma allows it because it gives her more access to grandchild. The EX may not trust MIL to watch kid (except for when it probably is to her convenience lol). That doesn't mean she can't be in the child's presence per se.

Personally, I believe it's a bit disloyal for my MIL to maintain a chummy relationship with her son's EX. ESP since he and his new wife live in the MIL house behind my inlaws... so when the EX comes over she is like 15 feet away. I think MIL should be seeing the EX outside her home since she basically shares that property with her son and new wife. BUT.. MIL sees it as access to grandkid and also because she has known the woman since she was a teen. (ex that was a teen lol).

I would of course be mindful of what I shared with my MIL if I knew she was chummy with the EX. But in the end, you can't control it all. I know my MIL went to the Tday dinner where the EX was present and probably threw me under the bus because she has it in my mind that I am threatened by the EX. Bottom line I don't LIKE her and refuse to spend my precious free time with people I hate. lol. Not threatened. and I don't care if it's "for family".. Not happening.

I actually mostly like MIL

I actually mostly like MIL but I can honestly understand why BM didn't want MIL watching SD. I think it was crap that the BM actually made it part of her custody order though b/c my SO wouldn't leave his kids with her anyways. It isn't that MIL is bad. She has diabetes and has passed out before. I do get why BM felt the way she did and now that SD is older I can see why she would lax on it a little.

I know it is possible for the ex to not have an ulterior motive. However, when you have gone through all the craziness that the ex has put us through since we got together you proceed with caution with that woman! She pulled this crap before inviting SO's sister and niece to SD's bday party at her house (which didn't bother me). Until SO starts getting a million crazy texts from BM based on every little thing she could grasp onto from talking to his sister. I don't trust BM.

I get that MIL just wants more time with SD but I just feel this crosses a bit of a line and mainly because her and BM NEVER had a good relationship before. If they had maintained a nice friendly relationship from long ago I would get it a little more. I am still on good terms with my ex MIL but I don't go to their Christmas Eve or have her over for mine!

I'm glad to know I am not the only one that doesn't feel like I should have to suck up "shared holidays" something else crazy BM has in custody order - Halloween and 4th of July are shared. I hate spending that time with her and avoid it at all costs. I'm definitely not threatened by BM either. I simply don't like her.

So I am guessing the fallout

So I am guessing the fallout with SO's sister made SO's sister less chummy with BM. BM needs a new source of information?

I kinda thought that as well.

I kinda thought that as well. SO's sister won't talk to her anymore b/c of the fallout and they weren't friends prior to that. BM also has in the custody agreement that SO's sister can't watch SD. She had taken her daughter to SD's bday party there and then BM turned it into family feud. I still am a bit annoyed with his sister for even discussing SO and I with BM. She knows how BM is! I'm not super close with his sister either b/c I felt betrayed by that incident.

"DH, you deal with the

"DH, you deal with the fallout from this alone. Your mom being involved is a bad idea. You talking to BM is a bad idea. This is all a bad idea. Handle it without me because I cannot deal with the stress. That includes not informing me of BM's texts or your convos with her. Basically, I don't want to know that any drama is happening even if the sky is falling."

Normally, I don't talk to him

Normally, I don't talk to him about BM anymore or what she is texting. This time was my fault b/c I asked him. I know better! LOL! I told him like a year ago that I didn't want to be involved anymore in the drama. Especially when he reverted back to communicating with her more than necessary. I knew BM's text would piss me off. I did tell him not to expect me to be super chummy when we go see MIL on Sat for Christmas b/c I don't want to accidentally give her any ammo! I know that MIL likes me and wouldn't intentionally do that but she isn't the brightest and might not realize she is giving BM anything to go off about.

Make up something really off

Make up something really off the wall for Granny Big Mouth to go repeat to BM. The more bizarre the better.

I'd take inspiration from

I'd take inspiration from Maury or trash novel. Be vaguely around MIL as you're telling a "girl friend" about how you aren't sure if DH is the father. Or talk like you had a one night stand with some chiseled cowboy.

MIL tells BM. BM tells DH out of concern. When he comes to you, tell him you were relaying a trashy novel to a friend, and by the way, the only person around when you told that story was MIL so she must have spread it to BM. Feign disgust and anger and tell your DH this is EXACTLY why you all can't have nice things!

Poof, MIL is never in your house again, BM loses her new little birdy and has to find another, and you pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

(This is all in jest, of course. Please don't flay me fellow STalkers.)

I'd take inspiration from

Poof, MIL is never in your house again, BM loses her new little birdy and has to find another, and you pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

(This is all in jest, of course. Please don't flay me fellow STalkers.)

LOL, good idea guys! MIL in

LOL, good idea guys! MIL in my home isn't something that bothers me. Her going to BM's home on Christmas Eve is what bothers me. I don't think MIL is going to intentionally give BM any ammo. I just know that BM is manipulative and might try to get info out of MIL just through normal conversation and MIL wouldn't even notice. I know BM has SD report everything that happens at our house every time we have her. Our lives really aren't that exciting and we have nothing to hide. However, BM can twist something innocent into somehow traumatizing her precious SD. Like the weekend I had the kids clean up dog pop. SD and my BS both begged for a dog. I told them they would be responsible for him and cleaning his poop and feeding him. I made them both go out together and clean it up. Apparently SD went home to mommy and cried about it so SO got a big long heated message about how he needs to make sure that I treat SD like my own children. Um, no, that isn't what BM wanted because I was treating SD like my own. They were both put to work. What she really wanted was SD to sit around like a princess and not do any chores!

I think I might throw something bizarre out there when we visit MIL on Sat and see if anything comes of it though. Good little experiment!

Well unfortunately SO won't

Well unfortunately SO won't tell his mom that. He said she just wants more time with SD. Which I do believe b/c she loves SD and SD is her obvious favorite grand kid but it is ridiculous. We take SD to see her all the time. It isn't like she doesn't get time with her. I can also make chicken and dumplings. Actually just made them the day before SD announced that her mommy was having Grandma G over for them on Christmas Eve. I've never known BM to not have an ulterior motive so it is hard to believe that she doesn't now.

I suggest you guys put MIL on

I suggest you guys put MIL on an information diet. If she is pals with the enemy, she only gets need-to-know info.

My MIL did nothing (I mean nothing) put bad mouth BM for years. Talked about how she wished she would just drop dead. But would then gossip with BM on the phone. Her excuse was she needed to keep in touch with BM because of the kids. Lies, all lies. SS is 11 and SD is 13. BM has gone to actually zero school functions and the kids only participate in activities we sign them up for. Also, SD has had a phone for 3 years. MIL could, I don't know, call SD if she wanted to keep up with her life.

So, MIL is not getting info about Skids from BM. The two of them were gossiping about me and DH. I told DH enough was enough and went NC with In-laws for a year. MIL is much better behaved now. I refuse to discuss BM with her and I only talk about superficial topics when she is around.

Oh she will now be on limited

Oh she will now be on limited information status. MIL here also bad mouthed BM for the entire time I have been with SO. Now all of the sudden she is friendly with her to see SD?!? BS!!! We take SD to see her frequently but hey now maybe since her and BM are so close she can just visit SD there from now on!

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