Separate Holidays
My ex and I split Halloween time so we both get to enjoy trick or treating with our girls every year instead of following the every other year custody order guideline. In my town trick or treating is from 6pm-8pm, so we each take them for one hour.
DH arranged it the same way with BM so we got all 3 kids during our hour of trick or treating. This year my BD13 decided she was to old/cool to go with us and went to the same area, but with a friend and did not walk with us, which I was expecting but still sad about. So it was just DH, me, BD9 and SS7stb8.
SS7 was his usual annoying, complaining, bratty self and drove BD9 crazy as usual, which drove us crazy because of their bickering. I probably only have 2, maybe 3 years, left to enjoy Halloween with my youngest as my oldest is already done. I think I've decided that I am not going to spend the remaining few times I get to trick or treating with my youngest dealing with SS7 and his attitude taking away from the fun and enjoyment of it.
I've already pretty much quit doing regular activities with him, I won't even go out to eat. I take my bios and we enjoy ourselves. I hate that we can't do things all 5 of us as a family together and enjoy it, but it is what it is I guess. We've tried and tried to get SS7 to behave better and understand that him, and everyone else around him, would have more fun if he'd just quit aggravating and behave better. He doesn't get it or doesn't care.
So, has anyone ever done separate holidays with young children? Like I said, we do a lot of separate activities, but we haven't separated our holidays since DH and I have been together, I'm not sure how he will take it. I already told him last night that I was upset about us not being able to do things together and enjoy it. SS7 has even put a damper on Christmas which is my favorite holiday. He complains and isn't happy with anything on top of his usual aggravating. I'd actually like to separate Christmas too, but I know DH won't go for that.
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Does DH deal with ss7's
Does DH deal with ss7's whining, or does he let him do it?
We don't do many things separate, but I also don't put up with that kind of behavior... DH and I stopped at McDonald's this weekend - got some stuff for the kids.
We get home, I give the kids their meals, they're ecstatic - because I *never* get McDonald's.. lol I give ss his happy meal, he whines because he wasn't happy with the white milk, he wanted chocolate. (YEAH RIGHT!). He whined because although he asked for nuggets, and received nuggets, now he wants a cheeseburger.
Well I said "You're not happy with your milk?" "no." "You don't want the nuggets?" "no." "Ok then." And I took them. I took the milk and nuggets away, and put them in front of me. Continued eating.
He's looking at me with big eyes and mouth dropped open, like he couldn't believe I just took his stuff...
After a minute I said "do you want the milk?" "yes please" "are you going to whine about it?" "no." "because if you whine about it again, I'll take it away for real. Are you going to keep whining about the nuggets?" "no." "ok, here." "thanks, secret"
If it was DH that was dealing with it.... it would be "stop whining". *continues* "stop whining!" *continues* "STOP!" *continues*
*secret walks away*
DH knows I will leave when ss acts like a turd and isn't dealt with swiftly and efficiently.... and I do.
For the most part, yes. SS7
For the most part, yes. SS7 got his video games taken away after DH warning him to stop complaining after about 3 times, and he usually follows through with his punishments. Although it does take way more for DH to say anything, it's usually after I've pointed out the behavior already.
After SS got his game taken away he started pouting and said he was done trick or treating, DH said "fine, we're going back to the car" and they did. So BD9 and I got about 15 minutes to enjoy it alone.
We've tried the entire time we've been together to improve SS7's behavior, and I will say it's better due to the fact DH has listened to me and SS was only 2 when we got together, but he's still not enjoyable in the least to be around and I'm at a loss at what else to do. I've disengaged for the most part at this point.
I'm a bit confused... he had
I'm a bit confused... he had his videogames while you guys were trick or treating?
He had them taken away... pouted.. said he was done... and got to go sit in the car? Did he get his videogames back?
DH said something, but only after you said it first?
Makes me think that DH only really does things to punish ss when you're around, and lets him get away with it when you're not... maybe I'm wrong, but that's the sense I get....
If it was me, and I have done this, I would plan out some really fun stuff to do... hype it up... and then if/when ss expresses interest, or makes an assumption he's also going, I'd say something like... well... you don't behave when we're out... you complain all the time and you ruin everyone else's good time... I don't know if I want to bring you.
In my case, my kid was "I won't, I won't, I'll behave, I promise!"
The first time... all seemed well... until it wasn't... and when it wasn't - I left my other two with my ex at the time, and went home with the bratty one... not to go home and chill, no no. To go home and sit on their bed, cross armed, while I sat in the doorway reading a book... any move to reach for a toy or anything else, nope... you sit, you stay... you wanted to ruin our fun, now you get NO fun...
after a few times, a look was all it took for the brattiness to go away
SS isn't my kid - so I have the option of walking away.... and I do. DH usually gets the hint, and manages ss real quick.
No, DH just said he lost
No, DH just said he lost video game time for a week, that's SS's currency, his games, it's about the only punishment that even slightly phases him.
You are probably correct in saying he may not punish SS when I'm not around because he hardly ever does it first when I am...
ohhh I see. Makes sense now.
ohhh I see. Makes sense now.
Take his stupid video games
Take his stupid video games away permanently. Guarantee you will see a change. But my guess is that he's already so enmeshed with the stupid things, that DH would never attempt to do that and so here you are.... same nonsense, different day.
I was also a pretty matter of
I was also a pretty matter of fact consequence giver to my DH's girls.
Cue the fighting in the back seat as they bicker over the cd player and earphones. Cue Smom in front seat warning them if they can't settle this quickly and quietly, I will do it for them. The complaining continues. Smom's hand shoots to the backseat "give me the CD player"... I turn around and say.. "I am not going to bother trying to figure out who's fault it is... frankly I don't care... but since you couldn't share.. neither of you have it any more.. think about that on the way home" Dead silence...
It's got to be difficult for an excited 7/8 yo to be calm on a sugar spiked night like halloween. However, if it had been my parents, all that would have been needed was a pointed "do you want to go home now? or can you act nicely?" and I would have either straighted up or we would have gone home. In your case.. your DH would have taken his son home while you and your daughter could continue on... I don't understand why people are so afraid of doing this with their kids.
SS will do that at times,
SS will do that at times, when he's tired. Like this past summer at the county fair, he started complaining after we did all his favorite things, all BD's favorite things, my one favorite thing and then it was his Dad's turn to go look at the giant tractors. I told him that if he starts complaining during his Dad's time, then we will be sure not to bring him again next year. I explained his Dad didn't necessarily care to sit and watch the magician or the hot dog race, and he sure as hell didn't want to watch BD & SS watch the sleeping pigs in the petting zoo for 40 minutes but he did because they enjoy it. When you are part of a family you suck it up and make sure your loved one enjoys their turn because they did that for you. Same thing goes for time together-you don't make it miserable for everyone or you don't go.
Your situation is a little different but the sentiment is the same-if you whine/complain then you don't go because you're not going to ruin it for everyone else. As long as your DH is on the same page, that fixes my SS up right quick. Children need to be taught these lessons if they are ever going to successfully navigate the nuances of adult relationships. Do I enjoy Dog the Bounty Hunter? No. But I watch it when it's SO's turn to have the remote. Is your SS tired and cranky? Yes, but he needs to control his behavior because he's with his family that loves him and is trying to enjoy their time together or he can be miserable by himself (or at home with DH) while everyone else (you and BD) has fun.
What exactly did SS7 do that
What exactly did SS7 do that was so annoying? I have a 7 year old boy and he was a perfect angel last night. We walked for almost 1.5 hours and never a complaint about being cold, or tired. But why would he?? Trick or treating is FUN! What in the world was your SS fussing about and how was he aggravating your DD??
I say who cares if your DH likes you doing things separately? Won't it break your heart to hear your kids tell you ten years from now that they wished SS hadn't ruined so many of their good times? It's your job to look out after your kids. And DH's job to look out after his kids. Maybe you should ask DH how he would feel if the roles were reversed and your BD was ruining every fun thing for SS?
Oh gosh...bumping into BD9 on
Oh gosh...bumping into BD9 on purpose then tells her not to run into him (I seen the interaction myself), cutting in front of her when in line to get candy, mocking, deliberately walking extremely slow knowing we only had an hour and wanting to make us wait on him...that's off the top of my head.
Yeah, I would think that too, why complain and behave that way when we're all suppose to be having fun. But it's always that way and why I quit doing most things with him. This was a holiday though and I'm thinking I'm going to have to do those separate too, which is so depressing. It's going to be like we don't even have a marriage except when it's just DH and I
That is a big concern of mine for sure, and why I am doing so much separately already.
Ok.. here's a little concept
Ok.. here's a little concept my parents used.
You are trying to look for a reason that the boy is the one in the wrong. He may or may not have been BUT.. my parents didn't take sides in our squabbles.
Here's what you do.
First "offense" of squabbling between them.
"Ok you two, if you want to continue trick or treating.. BOTH of you need to behave. I don't care who started it. If we have any more shenanigans, Trick of Treating is OVER for both of you"
Second Offense.
"Ok you were warned... time to go. back to the car. No, I don't care who started it, you both know better than to misbehave like this. We hold you both responsible. "
In reality, you don't know if your daughter had hissed something under her breath.. or told him 'race you to the bucket' or something.. don't assume you know what went on because sometimes looks are deceiving.
My parents took that out of the game and my brother and I learned to (mostly) get along.
Is SS better when you and BD
Is SS better when you and BD aren't around?
I'm wondering if he does it to get DH alone and not have to share him with you and your BD.
I don't have any advice. I'm sad for your situation, it would be so much nicer if you could at least go trick or treating together!
sounds like SS is trying to
sounds like SS is trying to win over DD9 in his own stupid way...
running into her, telling her to stop, he's looking for attention that's all....
teach BD to be nice to SS, if he runs into her, she should simply say, ooops sorry SS for being in your way, lets run together..
or she should tell him, seems like we are always going the same way lets walk hand in hand..... then we will not bump into each other.
I guarantee you if she starts doing this he will avoid her, or they will become good friends, this little 7 year old probably has a crush on her and want's to be macho around her...