Update on Winona and the choking incident, and "Clean Slate Syndrome"
I spoke with Winona briefly after the fight with BM, Wednesday. She told me the gist of things - that she was trying to record her mother while drunk, and had been arguing with mothers boyfriend, Tweedle prior. This recording led to her mother snapping, and choking her and slapping her and body slamming her. I do not know in which order.
My response was to tell her "it will happen again. No matter what she tells you, no matter how many times or how much she apologizes, the physical barrier has been broken, and she knows she can get away with it now."
Winona related how she stayed at the BMs apartment all day, and slept, and that when BM came home she was giggling and happy. She had received flowers from Tweedle. Like nothing had ever happened. Very confusing for the kid - no wonder she is messed up. She grew up watching her father be abused verbally then physically, and the next day was a new day, like it never happened. Now the same thing is happening to her. I lived through abuse with my ex fiancé, so although I do not know how to help someone who is going through it with their parent, I can at least offer sound advice to her now, in general.
I told her please do not go to Vegas with your mother. I told her - your mother, an alcoholic going to Vegas, is definitely not going to be as fun as your Aunties with lots of money and Cousins were.
I also found out, the reason BM was so happy the next day was that she got her $5,000 tax return in the bank. Let the party begin! Ironically the tax return was so high because she claimed Winona.
So, I just told Winona - she got money back, a large amount, ask for the cash - for college. And you will have something to help you build a bright future with.
I know it is very likely that Winona will go back to Mommy Dearest, and be friends again, with BM being on her best behavior, and that it could all turn on me, and I will be the bad guy again.
But... this morning SO and I laughed until we cried! Because for this 2.5 minutes I am the good guy. During an exchange between dadee and Winona - "CLove is the only one that appreciates me! She is the only one who is nice to me!"
My 2.5 minutes. I will bask in the "good guy glow". Winona can be really charming and sweet and funny when she wants to be. I will enjoy the 2.5 minutes of sunshine while I have it, and hope the sunny days continue.
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You gave her great advice.
You gave her great advice. And you are very wise to know how this is going to turn out. So bask away for your 2 1/2 minutes!
Yes Chief!!!! I hope she
Yes Chief!!!!
I hope she listens, and follows through. Her mother is going to be sweet, and on best behavior, and loving and attentive - the model mother, for a week maybe. Powerful draw. More powerful I think than a spouse.
BM spilled beans about tax
BM spilled beans about tax return $$$$ to SO - because she wants him to work on her car (and hes the best and cheapest for her). Munchkin SD10 spilled the beans that she is getting a new laptop computer for her graduation/birthday to the tune of $200-300.
I in turn spilled the beans about the money and the fact that she has already committed to spending $300 plus on Munchkin. So there is pressure to "make it fair", by spending money on Winona for HER graduation. See how that goes?
Her mother told her a while ago about taking her to Vegas. That's about $400-500 min if you do it cheaply. I told her, just "smile your sweetest smile and say its for college savings." Then she can use it for community college, getting license, paying insurance, etc. Her bright future.
Cross your fingers she listens to me!!!
YES! And SO is fully on board
YES! And SO is fully on board with that - he wants to charge rent, etc. She WILL get a job. He will need to push her to get license and get her life on track. But he has a better time of influencing and guiding her if she is with us full time, vs "escaping into the dragon's den", and running to her mother when he starts getting tough.
I wanted to ask her to send
I wanted to ask her to send me the video that she took. I am going to document this myself. He will laugh it off. Understand, this man dealt with her abuse for over 10-20 year timespan. And did nothing to leave her except threaten divorce if she did not stop drinking. It wasn't until he caught her chatting and texting other men and cheating that he tossed her out. And then continued spending time with her, trying to edge her out gradually. He is going to minimize it because that is his coping with being abused. Also, oddly enough, SO PREDICTED this would happen. He had a major meltdown and began sobbing and yelling at Winona and told her that her smart mouth and chitty attitude and getting in peoples faces would get her hurt someday, and it happened.
I think that I will suggest it. Then I will do it. And also suggest Winona do it too. Thank you Rosa.
Yes, I know, Granny. Totally
Yes, I know, Granny. Totally and completely agree.
In her twisted way, Winona was trying to "fix' her broken sick mother. I understand because I tried doing the same thing, with my ex, and he reacted in the same manner - punched me in the stomach, choked me, slammed me against the wall, etc.
She was doing it because she wanted to show her mother how she behaves when she is drunk and angry, to try to stop her from doing it in the future. She wanted to "shame" her into changing. Winona is emotionally vey young and unwise. There was an argument - involving Tweedle the boyfriend. BM called her "an unappreciative b!tc (true , but well, we try not to say it in this manner...). The argument became heated, and Winona got in her face and said "What did you say? Did you want to say it again?" while recording BM.
BTW - She did the same thing to me, when we had our big blowout 6 months ago, but it just caused me to laugh in her face, causing HER to explode (like her mother - see the pattern of crazy?)
I don't know if there is anything to salvage from this wreck of a child. I will watch and observe, hope and pray, she doesn't go down that rabbit hole.
PS: BM has zero money. Nothing to blackmail her for. Winona did not know about tax return until yesterday.
I am certain it was a very sad attempt at "fixing" BM. Who then charged her like a raging hippo.
Clove, I have had many
Clove, I have had many heart to heart talks like this with SD. Even though I haven't been 'told' that BM abused DSO and the skids, I know they were and the skids still are, even if emotionally and verbally.
Do not be surprised if Winona goes and tells BM what you said to her. BM and the skids have this habit of spilling secrets or confidences when they are pissed off. BM will get mad at the skids and then start telling DSO things that happened months ago bc she feels that if she tattles, DSO will be mad at the skids. SD has gotten mad at BM and then told BM things I have said to SD. SD has burned me so many times that I really don't engage in conversation with her much at all and she is with us 100%.
Don't be surprised if this comes back to bite you in the butt.
Yes. Thank you for sharing -
Yes. Thank you for sharing - you are in a sick and twisted situation, and there is no escaping!
I am learning by hardcore experience. I am not saying ANYTHING BAD ABOUT BM. For sure it will get back. I am not going to fall into that trap. At this point I am just going to give sound advice about money, saving, schooling and basic life management skills. I will not dwell on the drama.
She has wanted to move in with us full time for over a year, previous to this incident. And now she is getting her way. And she will be required to get a job, clean her room and help out with a positive attitude. It will not be an easy coast after graduation.
I think/hope/pray the first month there will be some resistance, and then the consistency and structure will begin to shape a new, higher consciousness.
But, probably not. I am mentally preparing myself for failure, and her regression back into the mucky morass of putrid BM drama.
You might have Winona check
You might have Winona check out this link about strangulation as it relates to domestic violence: http://www.thehotline.org/2016/03/the-dangers-of-strangulation/
Strangulation is a strong predictor for future lethal violence. I saw a documentary on this and it was chilling. Choking is one of the most obvious ways an abuser can exert his or her control - they are literally withholding breath and thus life from their victim.
I need to ask her if she lost
I need to ask her if she lost consciousness.
I absolutely without a doubt know this woman will do it again, if allowed. With fatal consequences.
And SO is working on her car this weekend to earn extra $$$. Ugh. I told him "let Tweedle bring the car over". I don't want Daughter-Beater asking to use my toilet or anywhere near my home. She makes me sick.
The article is very chilling. I have no doubt that things will get worse the next time she "loses it, lol". (Her text to SO immediately afterward).
I didn't realize how
I didn't realize how dangerous strangulation could be and how you might not realize the damage until days later. Very eye-opening. I wouldn't want Daughter-Beater anywhere near me either. Good luck with it all.
She is not feeling too great,
She is not feeling too great, one week after "the choking incident", but according to the article it can take weeks.