Validation
I don't believe I am a particularly "troll-like" poster. It baffles me when people delete every comment that the don't believe fits in their neat little narrative. I also am not a huge fan of the posts "why me.. why is everyone so mean to me" However, when you repeatedly see all your posts go poof because someone doesn't like your logic. It's irritating.
I don't always agree with everyone and don't expect everyone to agree with me.
- ESMOD's blog
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Comments
Ha, funny that you posted
Ha, funny that you posted this, I was thinking the same exact thing. Sometimes I don't like what people say but then after my emotions aren't getting the best of me I can go back and re-read the disagreeable posts. I often find that after I am more grounded I am able to better see other peoples point and also learn a bit of self reflection.
LOL.
LOL.
The weird thing is I never
The weird thing is I never said that really.
I just said that I could see how someone who is owed money (arrears not the normal CS) might not be happy. I agree that it's not really a huge amount of money.. so I can also see logic in the "well then pay it already then". It's money that he is behind in paying the BM and he apparently must have told her he would pay it "when he got his taxes done".. and that is being delayed.. now BM hears he is having a kid which she might perceive as a something that could prove impact his ability to pay the arrears.. and possibly might create new payment problems.
I'm sorry that poster is having to deal with this, but not sure we can really expect the EX who already had problems in the past getting payment out of the father to be excited that he is making a new kid.
I'm not saying she can't have a child at all.
If it is so "small" then why
If it is so "small" then why not pay it?
So what, because poster is pregnant we all have to agree?
And yes deleting is her only option because she can't certainly come stab us with scissors.
I'm positive if her DH left her after she had the baby, he owed her back CS and she found out he was having a kid with someone else she'd be pissed too.
I just don't think having
I just don't think having another child when you owe back child support is proper and I can see why BM would be pissed.
Thanks for the response. I
Thanks for the response. I guess it surprised me too because I didn't think my comments were all that accusatory or attacking in nature.
I can definitely commiserate with the EX that always has their hand out. My DH had one too. I also understand the frustration when your DH DOES get behind and the EX is an Ahole about it. My DH's EX was nasty the couple times it happened. While I didn't like her delivery.. and threats.. I did understand fully that my DH had the obligation and we did all we could (me too) to make sure she was paid what was due to her for the kids' CS.
I certainly didn't mean to make her feel like she couldn't have a child, only that the BM might have misgivings about the situation given that the guy had gotten behind before and actually still was a little bit behind.
People don't always live up
People don't always live up to our expectations. And in times of personal stress, no one is at their best.
For example, usually when I comment, I'm calm and relaxed and reasonable. When I'm blogging, that's not always the case. Recently I posted a blog and people came out of the woodwork to talk about unrelated things. I couldn't understand it. I was so hurt and disappointed that posters I otherwise liked and respected actually thought I was selfish, lazy, a poor parent and a coward.
Because my character speaks for itself. I'm not perfect, but I'm generally awesome. I'd like to think that we are not defined by our lowest moments, but perhaps some people think that way.
I truly value the delete button. It keeps discussions honorable.
In my own case, I later realized that, due to how I express myself when upset, my blog was confusing so I was getting comments about things I didn't think were related, but I'd mentioned them so why wouldn't others say something? Makes sense of course, my thoughts and feelings were tumultuous and I had a scattergun result.
In STalk, as in life, sometimes all we can do is move on.
HeavenLike, I'm sorry you
HeavenLike, I'm sorry you were hurt by my actions. I didn't set out to do that.
It's not true that I have a closed mind, nor is it true that I am unwilling to learn. It could have been true that in that moment, I felt attacked and hurt and chose to protect myself from those feelings. I could have handled it better seeing that I agree, we had a mutual respect and camaraderie. But I didn't.
I am generally an awesome person. I'm not perfect, and I'm sure that pretty much everyone can find something they don't like about me. Relationships of any kind require being able to see the other person with compassion and forgiveness. Not all the time, because we have to meet our own needs first, but usually.
I firmly believe in using the delete button. It's too easy to fall into side arguments or to allow a commentary to be derailed by argumentative (or worse) posts. Your comment felt attacking to me. I now trust that it wasn't intended to be, but at that time I felt very angry and defensive and I didn't want to deal with it. Wrong? As a lifestyle, sure. But just like eating nothing but ice cream all day everyday is wrong, ice cream from time to time is probably necessary, even if we regret it later.
Wishing you all the best,
^^This^^ I also can
^^This^^ I also can understand why BM is upset. Doesn't mean I think BM handled it right with DH or that OP shouldn't have a child. It's a petty thing to get angry about. I also understand why OP was frustrated with BM!
I think this is really what
I think this is really what most people were trying to convey. Not that she shouldn't or can't have kids but that from the BM perspective there may already be some groundwork that this news adds a little more flame to the frustration fire.
Also, the EX didn't say or do anything to the OP...she was coming down on the DH. So, even she wasn't telling the woman she couldn't have a kid.
I guess my posts were to try to shine a light on the other point of view so that she wouldn't see it so hurtfully and in the end feel better... or even prod her DH to be done with the arrears sooner rather than later (tax refund..ahem) so that the EX would have one less thing to complain about.
Because, it is understandable how the BM might view her EX having another child as a potential problem because:
1. He currently has an arrears (which he has a plan for.. but has apparently told the EX that he will pay with a tax refund)
2. He is dragging his feet on the refund.. which since the money will go to the EX is apparently a big driver in his decision to delay filing.
3. He had issues in the past meeting his CS obligations to her. Knowing that he will have now MORE obligations due to having a new child may make her worry that he will become past due again in the future with even fewer resources to get things straight.
So, no, the other poster can't become unpregnant..nor should she have to be. But, the DH probably is not totally undeserving of the BM's side eye. His spouse? no because she doesn't have an obligation to the ex.. but then again the BM never contacted the new spouse.. she was ranting at her ex. Sometimes not sharing every little exchange to spare feelings is warranted. I'm not sure what he accomplished by passing on this tidbit of info to his wife.
But "arrears," as we all
But "arrears," as we all know, can mean more than the guy just skimped on his responsibility. Anything from paying cash or money order "early on" in the separation (not everyone initially understands court procedure, especially when pro se), to job loss, to unforeseen financial emergency...
Child support is a court calculated number. Our lawyer always used to tell us BM cannot intertwine visitation and child support, using the almighty dollar as leverage was frowned upon by the judge. Guess what, she did it anyway. She does it to this day. You can collect money owed - time, on the other hand, once it is gone...
Unless the father is a deadbeat in the true sense of the word (totally absent - pops in and out on occasion - never or rarely pays a dime) I would be hesitant to judge someone based on "arrears."
A newly pregnant woman is probably going to be extra sensitive and even intimidated by all of this bullshit, even if you didn't intend to be hurtful.
Im pretty certain that my
Im pretty certain that my comments have been deleted too, although mine are mostly ignored (not worth deleting!!! A compliment?).
This site has an organic feel to it and deleting does change the dynamic. I never delete, unless it is flat out mean or gross.
My DH is not in arrears, has
My DH is not in arrears, has never been, but we still got the "if you didn't have DS-then-9, you'd have more money to meet your moral financial obligations to your daughters" line. See there are court ordered obligations and apparently moral ones not ordered by the court. Pffft.
The guy is paying back his arrears and it sounds like it won't be long before he is paid up. First wives are golden uteruses and the rest of of us are back of the bus. The fact that our DH's got remarried gets their panties in enough of a bunch--having additional children puts them over the edge. This isn't about a lousy $1500, it's about the audacity of her ex having a baby with someone else who isn't her.
gee HL, what exactly is a
gee HL, what exactly is a "human bean"?
sorry, i could not resist!
Yup - when my kids were
Yup - when my kids were little they heard "just because you have something to say, doesn't mean it's okay to say it."
ESMOND - maybe this will
ESMOND - maybe this will clarify..... when I first joined people bashed me, at this stage I was already down the dumps with my wonderful Aergia, and I could not get why strange people would bash me.... If I knew how to delete I would've lol....... but the more you read the more you realize these people are not bashing you, they are telling the truth and talking from experience,
Some of my blogs I re read after a year and I thought, Oh dear you where such a pathetic little cry baby... how these ladies have helped you.... and I wish the new posters would not delete, rather park it and read it again after a couple off months
I guess new ladies delete cause they are hurt, they know it's the truth but they do not want to read it as well, they are basically just looking for validation that they are good people and should hang on...
The other day was the first time I deleted from a blog, I just could not handle the 2 posters insulting each other, Flaming and mammazen.... first it was mammazen and Troll..... and I have decided I will keep on deleting comments like that.
It's a pity that we can't get rid of stirrers on this site.... cause they piss every one off, then people gets irritated and start biting at each other... this is not way ST is here..
then we have downsouth, melanne and mamazen - blogging about things they need to clear for themselves, why do posters say - please not another one of these blogs, if it irritates you don't read it... maybe these ladies feel better after the blog, there's absolute no reason to bash them... but these ladies should not dish out bashing as well if we sort of go off topic and joke about other stuff
Ladies named in this comment - do not take it personal lol....it's just what I've picked up through the last couple off months
My favorite are the ones when
My favorite are the ones when people create a blog. Describe some really bizarre situation or share really crazy thing they do. Members respond negatively. OP realizes that no one is in support of her BS. She deletes the whole blog. She now creates new blogs with a different new story . People remember old blog though. But now they have no proof as that blog is deleted. I think it's kind of worse than deleting individual comments. When blogs are deleted for privacy it's one thing, but when they are deleted so OP can make up some junk, then it's dumb
I think some people post so they can get some boost to their self esteem or something. Not really to ask for advice or even vent, just get someone to praise them. If they get no praise, they delete comments and entire blogs. Maybe they have no one to praise them in real life. Kind of sad.
As about pregnancy, even broke people could have kids. I and exDH were broke 21year old newly married college students when we had DD. But when people are broke and owe money and already have kids, it might be considered irresponsible to have more kids. Unless of course it's accidental pregnant, which is also kind of irresponsible
But, I do think that
But, I do think that sometimes realizing that the "other side" (ie BM's) has their own set of needs, expectations and perspectives is important too. I am a SM, not a BM at all.. don't have any kids at all. But, I still think it's important to try to put myself in the shoes of everyone.
Maybe if I can understand WHY the BM acts the way they do, I can perceive it as a less than personal attack on me and therefore not spin it up in my own mind.
There are plenty of times that I know my Skids were annoying me just because they were KIDS.. and not because I was a SM etc... Some skids do actively do things to SM's because they hate them personally, but sometimes teens are just brats and kids wet the bed. It's not all conjured up just for our persecution every time.
So, like in the case that this sort of evolved from, maybe the poster would have found the BM's comments less hurtful if she could understand the POV of the other person.
Or the cases where the SM's are complaining about the kids or their responsibilities in the home when it is really their partner that is the root of the problem. Sometimes we just want to blame who we want to blame, but sometimes our blame is misguided.
I have had a post or two in
I have had a post or two in response to mine that weren't roses and tea leaves.. but I let it stand. In the context of all the posts.. I figure unedited is better for everyone. Plus, I do go back and re-read to make sure that something wasn't missed by me or someone else.