Daughter and Step Daughter have a Formal Dinner Dance coming up
My BD, 14 and SD, 13, who are both in the same grade, have a formal dinner dance coming up. I plan on taking my BD to get a dress, however I am having hesitation on taking my SD. Reason being, last year, they both attended a Valentines Day Dance and I made an appointment for my BD. At the request of my DH, I also included my SD and her BM. The appointment was two months from the dance and an hour prior to the dress appointment, the BM called and said to my SD that she was unable to go because she didn't have the money. Needless to say my SD was distraught. I phoned my DH and alerted him and he contacted the BM and said we would be willing to split the cost with her and she did eventually did show. The dress salon we went to had the ability to rent dresses and for middle school dances, I thought this would be a prudent option. The cost to rent a short, homecoming style dress was $45. The BM was pleasantly surprised and let me know she could afford the $45 rental fee and ordered a dress. Two days before I was to pick up my BD an SD Valentines Day dresses, the BM texted my DH and said she was unable to come up with the money and either we would pay for it or she would not go. Needless to say we paid for the dress rental. The day of the dance my BD texted me from school to tell me my SD was not in school and if she wasn't there soon, she would not be able to attend the dance. I phoned my DH and he called my SD. My SD told my DH that she missed the bus and the BM wouldn't get up to take her however they were now at WalMart. He told her she needed to be at school by 11AM in order to be able to go to the dance. The BM was angry about the entire situation and got her to school however BM never came to our house to see her off in her dress or take a picture of her going to her first dance. Since this last dance so much more has happened! The BM stated she is in school and just can't afford to pay for her 28% portion of her braces after insurance (oh, I cover the insurance)and yes, he pays child support... and no, she refuses to work. She has never had a full time job. SO... here I am not wanting to be taken advantage any more. I am all for splitting the cost of everything including the dinner dance formal dress, but I do not want to take her knowing exactly how this is going to go down. Thoughts and advice, please!
- kenciso's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Are you going to do the same
Are you going to do the same dress rental thing? Will she be with you and DH custody wise on the date of the dance?
I would do what I could to facilitate her having a dress to go. If you can rent a dress for her and get her to the dance great. (I mean you as in you and DH.. he should definitely be a major participant in this)
Does your SD have any
Does your SD have any allowance, birthday money, or other savings? I would ask for her to chip in for her dress. We do this sometimes with my SD who is only 8. She has a Daddy Daughter Dance coming up and wants a new dress. It isn't essential (she has other more plain dresses she COULD wear), and I know BM won't help pay for it, plus the dress may end up at BM's house after the dance never to be seen again. So we decided to split the cost with SD from her birthday/Christmas money. It's her choice if she wants a new dress or to wear an older one. I think it's a win win. SD learns responsibility and the cost of items, takes more personal responsibility for the item and for attending the dance, and I'm less attached to the dress if it gets lost at BM's or ruined.
In all honestly, if the
In all honestly, if the stepdaughter is a good kid and she's nice to you, I would buy her the dress myself. I wouldn't be able to watch her heart break because her mom refuses to do her part. But then again, my stepdaughters BM doesn't do shit - she doesn't pay child support and she's never paid for anything for my stepdaughter yet she sees her a few times a year and she's semi-involved. I don't mind paying for stuff for my stepdaughter because she's a good kid and she doesn't deserve to miss out just because her mother isn't a good person.
Kids are kids. They don't care about money. They just want a mom who will take them to choose a dress so they can go to a dance. Why not start doing those things for her? I bet she'll recognize and be really happy she's got ONE mother figure doing those things. She'll see in the long run who really cared. Plus, it's 45 dollars... it's not much when you consider the hurt she'll go through if she knows both mom and stepmom and dad didn't care to get her to the dance. Besides, you and DH are paying for your child. If DH can do that, why can't he pay for his other child?
I don't know... This all seems like too much of a "keeping score" type of situation between you two and BM. Who cares if BM isn't paying the full amount. If SD is important to you, suck it up and pay for it. She'll know you did and she'll probably be thankful you did more than her mother.
Sorry if this was harsh. I
Sorry if this was harsh. I just spent a lot of time in the beginning of my relationship saying "that's not my responsibility it's BMs" even though I knew BM wasn't going to pay for it and looking back, I feel bad that SD missed out on a lot of things because of it. Who cares who's responsibility it is. It's a child who has needs and those needs should be met, regardless of whether or not they have a deadbeat parent.
I don't think this is harsh
I don't think this is harsh but what I do think it that being nice and going over board for skids usually backfires in a step parents face. It has to be a one in million step kid situation that the step parent ever gets any credit for taking the high road and taking care of a skid so why should OP and her DH continually be taken advantage of by a BM who will purposely not have her funds available to take care of her own child? If this is a one in a million skid then so be it but the odds are that this is not the case.
Thank you Cocktail, this
Thank you Cocktail, this nails exactly how I feel about my skids as well. Why do I need a child's approval??!!
I can relate so much to
I can relate so much to rejecting the "One Day" propaganda.
I think it's more important to deal with What Is rather than excusing bad behavior and indulging in magical thinking that one day, a spoiled skid will appreciate anything a SP does for them.
My live became much better when I gave up all hope and accepted What Is.
If the dance is on your DH's
If the dance is on your DH's parenting time, I would take care of it without a second thought. If it's during BM's time, it's on her to take care of, and SD may lose out. That's between her and her mother.
I think it's tempting to just take care of it. It feels like the road of least resistance, but it's not.
I would make my DH take HIS
I would make my DH take HIS KID to get a dress. If DH actually rewarded her behavior by taking her to this dance then I would consider that a lesson to me in how much my DH loves and respects me. That kid shouldn't be at ANY dance after calling you a bit*h.
If I were her I would talk to
If I were her I would talk to her DH. Tell him about dance and tell him that you are taking BD to shop for a dress on X date and that if he and SD want to come with you.. they are both welcome.
I would make it clear that he will be on the hook for both being there, and paying .
SD's behavior makes this
SD's behavior makes this easy!
Your daughter deserves to be shown that she matters in all of this. Your BD was harmed by SD (as were you) and your DH hasn't done anything. You know how that makes you feel. Your DD has already stated she would like to have a nice mother daughter day...show DD she matters.
My best advice is to just go
My best advice is to just go forward being the responsible parents.
We have SD 100%. She was 9 when we got her and she is now 16. We have tried many times over the years to make BM a little bit responsible. It is always a cluster-eff up and we always end up stressed or just doing it ourselves bc we have to pay BM to do it and that doesn't sit well with us.
I have many many examples. But, we just figure things out ourselves and if BM comes thru, then we are just pleasantly surprised and don't count it happening again.
NO - not your daughter and
NO - not your daughter and not your responsibility, you simply take DD alone and make a mother daughter day off it...
if DH has any issues about it, smile and tell him - your daughter your responsibility or BM's..
SD already hates your guts, why try and include her?