Should I or SHould I not
My BD and SD are both 15 and in the same grade. There is a school dance coming up. We discussed with both the girls that instead of buying dresses that I felt we could borrow and besides We have around 15 dresses at my house already.
Well last thursday my SD says,, "Oh karen guess what my granny (MIL) bought me a dress for the dance and new shoes and all my jewelry" I could feel my blood begin to boil. She resides with me and husband.
I get upset for the fact that I said we would borrow and she and granny run off and buy all new everything.
My daughter gets upset about the whole deal. One of her friends finds a dress and my daughter wants to buy it for the dance, since SD got a new dress. I could not really say "NO".
One of my best friends is a hair stylist and my BD called her or sent her a text and asked if she could do her hair for the dance. My best friend said she didnt really have any openings but would WORK her in. Well my SD just mentioned getting her done by saying the band was not playing at the football game and she could "do her hair". Im not sure if that was my hint or not to make her an appointment.
I guess my question is this, since GRANNY took it all upon herself to go behind my back and my DH and did all the shopping, WHY cant she see that SD's hair gets done. I mean she never consulted me on anything else.
Should I make SD an hair appointment or not worry about it?
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My Vote
Let Granny do it. She didn't take the time to think about your BD and her needs with her dress, shoes, etc.
But I have a question for you. Is this something that SD and Granny do often? Come up with these little "plans" to get SD what she wants? If so, I'd be mentally 'writing them down' to establish a pattern. This could potentially be a problem in the future, especially if it feels like your BD is being left out in the cold.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Boy would I be irked
But I would be irked at SD, not mother-in-law. You told SD that she would NOT be getting a new dress. I can almost guarantee she told MIL she needed a dress (not that you said she couldn't get one) and so MIL took her shopping. I can totally see what happening with my SD.
My opinion is that you don't reward SD for her trickery by also getting her hair done. And I would be right up front about that. "SD, you knew you were not to get a new dress for this dance, and you should have told MIL that. Because you got things BD didn't (the new shoes and jewelry), I am taking BD to get her hair done. But I will not be doing this for you because you were dishonest."
I would go ahead and get her
I would go ahead and get her hair done. You are probably dealing more with spoiled teenagers, and they all act like that, than a spiteful granny. Maybe a heart to heart talk with granny about the fairness of the situation between the two girls would be helpful. Is this the dads mom or moms mom? However, not getting her hair done out of spite will only cause more friction in the future. My way of life for the past 13 years has always been to "Be the bigger person". Even though the action was NEVER reciprocated by SD's family, I slept pretty well at night knowing that I tried to make her happy. No one can ever say that I didnt do my best to be fair and loving. I have been told the I will be appreciated later in life by my step kids. WHEN?!?!?! I want it now!!!!
The problem is that this is
The problem is that this is a continuing problem. Granny (MIL) takes SD all the time shopping. Me and my husbnad never until she comes up missing. I told my DH the other day that this is a prime example to why I do not like his mother. She spoils the girl and we have no say so and when she comes home showered in gifts every two months, mine girls get angry. I feel like its always a competition between me and my girls and MIL and SD's. I have disengaged which is maybe some reason why Granny did this or to be spiteful which always seems to be the reason. I feel like if I dont get her hair done then I am a worthless piece of crap and if I do then Im still a worthless piece of crap. Theres rarely a win win situation.
Well ladies I think I
Well ladies I think I answered my own question! I just called the DH to see what he thought.. At first he said it would be a gesture on my part. Then he proceeded to tell me that his mother took SD yesterday afternoon to get her cut. I said "well there ya go" she can take care of it. I asked and I tried. So me and him just had a huge blow up over it.
So your husband's mom spoils
So your husband's mom spoils the crap out of his daughter & leaves your daughter out? Does she not consider your daughter her gandchild too? I would have DH tell his mommy that if she can't do for both, she is not to do at all. Thats ridiculous!! Way to hurt a child! If he refuses to do that, tell her yourself. If she doesn't quit, do everything for your daughter that his daughter gets from his mom. Things should be fair. If you can't afford to do that everytime, then when you can't I would confinscate whatever she bought her & mail it back to MIL or give it to goodwill!
That's not right
You shouldn't be able to take away things and send them back to granny. That's immature. I personally think that Skids and bkids need to learn that sometimes skids/bkids get more/less depending on the adults they have in their lives.
So, based on your theory, I should take away my SD's IPOD that her grandmother gave her if I cannot afford to buy one for my bkids? That's silly. I'm not going to hurt my SD just because she gets more "things" from BM's family than my bkids get from their birth families.
Yeah but
keep in mind that it's her mother-in-law doing it not anyone from the Bm side.
I think Grandma needs to treat all kids in the how more equally whether they are step or bio.
Dawn
I'm sorry
sunshine. I was hoping that he would be able to understand boudaries and be able to put some in place for MIL.
He just told me that I am
He just told me that I am jealous that it is his mom that does things for his kids and my mother does nothing for my girls. AARRGGHHH how childish of him. Thats totally not the point. THe point is we have a house that has children that WE are raising, we set rules and WE are to communicate about anything and everything going to affect us or the children and he lets my MIL slid in and crash the whole darn thing. I cant say he lets her if he doesnt know about it but when he does find out what she is doing he says nothing. Instead he runs to the corner. He said I should be happy that MIL comes in takes some burden off of us. WELL would a phone from her hurt to let us know what is going on or what her thoughts are and even ask what our thoughts or plan is.
Sunshine
I truly think that MIl just needs firm boundaries and DH needs to set them! You have been married long enough that MIL should know by now that she cant do that kind of thing behind your back. Maybe a boundaries talk w/SD in is order as well. She is old enough that she knows was manipulation is and how to use it to her advantage. Don't let them bully you into something you are not comfortable with. i recall you saying something about MIL raising the girls before you came along. Maybe she is having a tough time letting go? Maybe she's experiencing the "empty nest" thing. Sometimes grandparents try to hold on too tight to what is left in their life. Maybe you should try to sit down and speak with her about it in a non-threatening way?
Mommy & Son Issues At Work here
Clearly, there are several things going on here:
*Your DH has problems standing up to his mother. If you and he
have established clear rules in the house regarding ALL
children, then MIL is clearly and purposefully sabotaging
that plan. DH needs to assert his place as head of household-
MIL thinks she is in charge and undercutting your rules
*SD is playing DH and MIL and apparently doing a great job
*BD is feeling like a second-class citizen in the household. She
is probably very resentful of both SD and MIL at this point,
as well of your DH for not asserting the rules of the house
My advice- MIL needs to abide by the rules of the house just as everyone else. She is causing great upheaval and chaos at this point. DH needs to step up and take control.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Mommy & Son Issues At Work here
Clearly, there are several things going on here:
*Your DH has problems standing up to his mother. If you and he
have established clear rules in the house regarding ALL
children, then MIL is clearly and purposefully sabotaging
that plan. DH needs to assert his place as head of household-
MIL thinks she is in charge and undercutting your rules
*SD is playing DH and MIL and apparently doing a great job
*BD is feeling like a second-class citizen in the household. She
is probably very resentful of both SD and MIL at this point,
as well of your DH for not asserting the rules of the house
My advice- MIL needs to abide by the rules of the house just as everyone else. She is causing great upheaval and chaos at this point. DH needs to step up and take control.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Mommy & Son Issues At Work here
Clearly, there are several things going on here:
*Your DH has problems standing up to his mother. If you and he
have established clear rules in the house regarding ALL
children, then MIL is clearly and purposefully sabotaging
that plan. DH needs to assert his place as head of household-
MIL thinks she is in charge and undercutting your rules
*SD is playing DH and MIL and apparently doing a great job
*BD is feeling like a second-class citizen in the household. She
is probably very resentful of both SD and MIL at this point,
as well of your DH for not asserting the rules of the house
My advice- MIL needs to abide by the rules of the house just as everyone else. She is causing great upheaval and chaos at this point. DH needs to step up and take control.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
sorry- computer glitch!
forgive the triple post!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
respect too
the MIL has no respect for you or your DH
until DH stands up to her she will continue to sabatoge your marriage and ANY relationship you may have had with your SD.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I second crayon's post. We
I second crayon's post. We talked about this last weekend. It is impacting your marriage. And, DH needs to understand that it's not just any one incident, but put them all together and they really take a toll.
To every thing there is a season.
I could understand this if
I could understand this if it was BM or Bm's mother doing this because they are not responsible or related to the other children the BF has. BUT for your MIL to do this for your SD but not your BD is awful. Even if your BD is from a different relationship. MIL needs to be fair because your BD is her grandchild regardless of how she became part of the family. I would be angry if my parents or did that to my SS or my H's parents did that to any kids I had, especially if they are the same age and like the same things. Your H needs to have a serious talk with his mother and should not let this continue.
I would actually say
I would actually say directly to the MIL that, I was trying to keep the costs on this day low. Originially I was going to have both their hair done that day, but because you bought SD a new dress, shoes and jewelry, I was forced to buy BD a new dress so that she wasnt left out.. this is important since they are the same age, and do not want one child to feel less important than another. Since I had to spend the money on the dress for BD (that I wasnt planning on buying), I can not afford to have BOTH the girls hair done now. Since you started this ball rolling, SD would like her hair done, here is a number to call to set up an appt.. I am sure you wont mind taking her..
THEN WALK AWAY!
I assumed it was birth moms
I assumed it was birth moms mother which makes for a whole different can of worms. You are fighting a losing battle with the MIL. My husband has told his mother off on several occasions for various interferrences and when she relays the story to other family members, it all boils down to me. I don't even talk to her and it is ALL my fault! She has made my life so much harder than it already is. I hate the fact that people can't find it in thier heart to accept someone elses child into the family. You would think the older people in the family would understand that the child is just an innocent bystander. It also isnt fair that your husband doesnt seem to think that your daughter should be treated fairly or equally as well. Good luck to you.
Oh.. perhaps point out that
Oh.. perhaps point out that your mom does do stuff.. but when she does it, she does it for all the kids, not just yours, and perhaps that is why your mom can not afford to do stuff as OFTEN as the MIL, who is apparently only doing for 1.
in the same boat
Mil just took sd to get her hair cut and eyebrows waxed yesterday and she took sd shopping a few weeks back. Is my bd included in these little trips?? No. Bd made a comment about not feeling like she is part of this family. It made my heartache, but I agree with her. I don't feel like I belong here either.
Bd needs things too, but I have to do all of that myself. And when I do get things for bd I am expected to get things for sd too. Which would be just fine with me if bd was treated like a grandchild too. Mil bought bd a couple pairs of pants and a shirt or two at the beginning of the school year when she bought things for sd, but that is where it stopped. I have had to ask my mom for money to buy bd a few things and a pair of shoes. And of course, mil will see the new things and assume that I am leaving sd out, even though I JUST took sd to the mall a few weeks ago and bought her a few things. I have no proof, but I suspect that sd tattles on me when bd gets something new and presents it as if I am only buying for bd and not her so granny can sympathize with her and take the poor, mistreated dear shopping.
I am so sick of this silent war that goes on in my home. I can't talk to Dh because he justs shuts down and ignores me.
Ugh.