I would cut ties with them unless they can treat all the kids equally. My husband and I have talked about this now that I'm pregnant. We're in agreement that ANY family who treats SD and our bio together differently gets cut off until they can act right. That goes for my family and his because it's simply not fair. I don't think we'll have any problems but I wanted to make sure my husband and I were on the same page before any problems came up.

Maybe it's the age difference? My skids are 11 and 12 years older than our BS7. I used to get pissed when BS was a baby and DH would run off with skids and not BS or when MIL would do shit for/with skids and not BS. But now that BS is older I can see that it's probably just because he was little and it IS hard to entertain kids that are so far apart in age together. So 11 year old wants to go to a movie... well 2 year old isn't going to sit for 2 hours in a movie theatre. 2 year old thinks it's fun to splash in puddles for an hour, 11 year old says Borrrrrringgggg!!

I wouldn't get caught up in the money part either. No 2 year old needs 100 dollars in birthday gifts from one person. Sorry, they just don't. They grow out of clothes so fast, that's a waste. They grow out of toys and interest in particular toys so fast, that's a waste too.

I guess my point is when you have skids that are so far apart in age from your bio.. you're not comparing apples to apples. I bet when your Bio gets a bit older you'll see a shift in MIL. I know I did with mine. She went from seeing him once or twice a year, to asking for BS to spend the night, and she spoils him.. they go to movies, shopping, play games, do BS "stuff" and he just soaks it up. I just think it's because he's older now and more self sufficient.

My Inlaws are the same way only with MIL's bio grandchildren. My DH is her stepson. She is pleasent to the kids but doesn't take any interest in their lives. Her bio daughter has four children and she facetimes with them every week and has hundreds of photos of them from her visits and zero of my stepkids even though they live in a different state and we live 5 minutes away. Last christmas inlaws got SD an adult coloring book and SS a nerf gun then bragged about the expensive swing set they got the other kids.

I guess my stepkids don't see it because the other kids are so far way so it's not in their face. My DH does complain about it occasionally. I usually remind him that MIL is his stepmom and his father should be expected to be more fair among all six of his grandkids. But the guy is in his 70's and expects MIL to do the "woman" thang. Like shopping and remembering birthdays (they forgot SS's this year).

In your situation, Because your BS is their actual grandchild and because he will certainly pick up on this soon enough, your DH should have a conversation with his parents. Maybe as Daisy says it's the age. Maybe they are just jerks. Have the conversation and decide where to go from there.

Sorry, but I could not read this.

Meh. I feel what OP is saying.

My inlaws show preferential treatment toward skid (11). And it has been this way forever.

While there have been MANY little instances, that happen fairly regularly, the ones that stand out for me are: MIL couldn't fly out to see our first toddler after her birth, or any time after. Instead, she met her for the first time after we moved back to DH's home state - but MIL and FIL can fly 2000+ miles out to California, on a whim, for a less than 24 hour visit to attend skid's school for grandparent's day. Also, MIL pulled a real doozie and tried to cancel (a few hours of hanging with our oldest toddler) on me THE MORNING OF my 2nd scheduled c-section because she "didn't want to take the extra time off work", but she'll take a gazillion days off when skid is here on visitation.

It sucks and it's hurtful and you betcha MIL knows damn well what she's doing.

I have the opposite problem... and it causes great fights in our relationship.

Ill's are more invested in Deigma, they only met him age 15, they can't stand their own blood grand daughter Aergia, who they have known for years, she reminds them of BM and they truly hate BM with passion. Aergia is a younger version of her mother, same looks, same attitude and same disregard for any one but the SELF.

i reached a point where I try and keep Deigma away from Ill's just for some peace.... but it does not stop them from asking right in front of Aergia and SO, where's Deigma why is he not here, please give this to him, Bday present...
and they never give Aergia anything... not even a happy birthday kiddo..

My DH and I don't have any kids that are ours. We had a miscarriage in October. DH and I were devastated. He already has a very acrimonious relationship with his mother over her behavior. When he told her that we would probably try again, she told him that she is too old to have more grand kids and only cares about her relationship with the SDs. And, she wonders why he cut her off...

I personally feel it comes down in most cases to just people are weird and suck. Sorry but they do. Here's why I think this is more to do with just quirky people than steps or first marriages:

SOOOOO Dh is like 43. He has a sister who is 38. Both DH parents are still alive. DH sister (my sil) is still married to same guy she dated in high school. They have my nieces age 14 and 9.

DH is obviously divorced from BM. Dh has ss13.

For no reason we can figure out, the inlaws go to EVERY SINGLE niece event (they cheer, so it is a lot INCLUDING basketball cheer...so several times PER WEEK), and they are constantly running over to SIL house to spend time with the nieces or take them places or begging them to hang out and their house.

At our house, they can come over and see SS any time he is here. Mostly they choose not to. They may come 2 times per month. SS sings in 2 choirs and is musically pretty talented. They attend maybe 2 events out of 4 a month or so (so they attend about half the time).

Then they want to pretend to be perfect grandparents loving all their kids and grandkids the same. And they want to whine that they miss ss sometimes. Geez, then come over or come get him! No one is stopping you! Additionally, our BM is somewhat sane and speaks to the inlaws at events. They aren't BFF, but she would also allow them to get ss during her time as well if they asked.

We have no reason for this mess. As you can see, in our case, it is not step related. Now I also have DS15, but I prefer he not be all wrapped up in the inlaws. He has my parents. He doesn't even figure in to the equation here.

I think sometimes grands literally choose favorites based on personalities or endorphins or some weird phenomenon.

ETA I love my nieces. This is not their fault, nor do they know it even concerns us.

I just could not imagine allowing a grandparent to treat a bio like that several of you have mentioned. My MIL obviously prefers SS7 over my bios who are just her steps. She takes him places, goes to all events, buys him things etc. She is pretty good about buying all 3 of them gifts for holidays, but definitely spends more money and time with SS.

It bothers me mainly because she shouts to everyone that she loves them all the same and there is no difference between them to her, but also says to everyone that I'm horrible because I do not love SS the same as my bios. She says she does, but her actions show otherwise and I know she does not love my girls like SS. It also hurts because my bios have no grandparents around, but I know it's just how it is and when my girls say anything about MIL I just have to say she isn't their grandma.

Anyway, if my children were her bio grandchildren and she treated them differently, I doubt I would let her have access to any of them other than family gatherings. And I don't know what I would do if my DH also allowed that treatment of our bios. Glad we don't and won't have any "ours" babies, the stress and drama is enough as things are now.

I've had to walk this road with my MIL. She used to spend more money on gifts for my SD on my DSs birthdays. One year she even forgot the boys birthdays completely, then a month before SD's birthday she calls and wants to spend $300 for a present on Sd's birthday. That's when ww3 broke out. When we visit, she sneaks out without the boys to go on spending sprees with SD. When the boys call, she immediately wants to know where Sd is, how she is, can she talk to her. She's SD crazy.

We've talked to her, but because she's a crazy narcissist that thinks she poops rainbows, and it only helped a tad. What helped was discovering I can't change her, nothing short of divine intervention will change her, and that I needed to set boundaries so she can't hurt my feelings. DH loves her, our kids love her, and they refuse to cut her out. Since she is a happy person with all her delusions, I can be nice. I can also respect that she raised my wonderful DH. However, I really can't stand her, she has my mother bear instincts working overdrive, so for my sanity, I've just made it so my contact with her is very limited. So, we visit once a year, and that is more than enough.

I'm just happy my kids, even SD, have been raised with good, generous hearts, plenty of loving family, and but for once or twice they really aren't jealous, Sd tries not to rub it in (it's hard they are siblings). But if they are jealous, I just explain that grandma is just insane, but we love her anyway. However they really aren't exposed to MIL very often, and aren't too bothered by it.